


Catch Me If I Fall

by MysteriousMidnight



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: All The Usual Warnings for Dear Evan Hansen, Angst, Anxiety, Coming Out, Everybody Lives, Explicit Language, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Pining, Ratings may change, References to Depression, References to Drugs, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tags May Change, Treebros, dear evan hansen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 49
Words: 135,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24087652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysteriousMidnight/pseuds/MysteriousMidnight
Summary: Evan Hansen has decided to end his life. He's made his decision, he's made his plan, and he intends to follow through with it. That is, until Connor Murphy happens upon him just before he has the chance to.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 957
Kudos: 852





	1. Solid Ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy, I'm BACK with a new fic (yes, I'm still working on Part 3 of A Little Uphill Climb, I just got distracted by this shiny new idea). Basically, I'm writing ANOTHER fic about Connor and Evan first meeting. Except it's different. They meet under different circumstances, and things unfold differently.
> 
> I first wrote These Broken Stars back in March, when I wasn't really a part of the fandom. I'd seen the OBC bootleg, listened to the cast recording and read the book. And that was about it. Since then, I've joined the fandom more, made friends who I discuss the show with, and have read a LOT of fanfics. My understanding of these characters has changed a LOT. I've formed new opinions, and I've come up with new ideas for how they first meet, etc. So, this fic is the result of that. TL;DR: I wanted to explore different sides of these characters.
> 
> I'm also doing something else different: I'm going to post this one chapter at a time. This gives you guys a chance to read, comment, offer feedback, etc. No idea what my posting schedule will be like. Maybe once or twice a week? No clue. But, yeah.. Hope you guys enjoy! Also, hope you don't think I'm a weirdo for posting ANOTHER "When TreeBros First Meet" fic, hehe :)

From up high, the world looked so small. Yet it all felt big and overwhelming. _He_ felt small - small and insignificant, and like he didn’t matter. No one would miss him if he just...

His grip on the branch slackened. He stepped a little further away from the trunk, where the branch was thinner and less likely to hold his weight. It shook below him. Or maybe _he_ was shaking, not the branch.

He closed his eyes, heart thudding in his chest.

This was it.

“Um, what the fuck are you doing?”

Evan startled, eyes widening in shock. He lost his balance, flailing wildly.

“Shit!”

At the last second, he caught himself, falling back against the trunk. He sank down, his legs shaking too hard to hold him up any longer.

“Fuck! Are you okay?”

That voice again. He couldn’t understand why they were talking to him, couldn’t understand why anyone was out there at all. He’d purposely picked a tree deep in the forest where not many people ventured. Why was someone interrupting his well-thought out plan? One that would look like an accident, and hurt his mom less?

He looked down, searching for the owner of the voice.

Holy shit.

Connor Murphy stood below, peering up at him with an annoyed look on his face.

“I....” Evan swallowed hard, clearing his throat. He wasn’t sure when he’d started crying - when he’d made the decision to let go? Or in that moment when he thought he was going to fall and die?

“Can you, like, get down okay?” Connor asked him, frowning. “Or should I get someone?”

“No... I’m, um, I’m fine.” He resigned himself to living another day, slowly climbing back down until his feet hit solid ground.

“What the fuck, dude?”

Evan frowned at Connor. He didn’t know much about him, just what the rumors said. But based on the rumors, Evan felt like he should be afraid of the boy who stood before him. But... he wasn’t.

Maybe it was because Evan was so depressed, it overwhelmed his fight or flight instincts. Maybe it was because Connor looked... relaxed. More relaxed than usual. Not that Evan saw him that often. But the few times he’d passed him in the halls, Connor had looked tense and angry. Right now he looked... calm, but also concerned. Which was even more weird...

“I was just... I like to, um, climb trees?” Evan cringed. It sounded SO pathetic. “Sorry. Um, so... I guess I just... I mean... I wasn’t paying attention, I guess. I just... walked too far out and lost my grip.”

Connor blinked at him. “You weren’t paying attention...? You were climbing a fucking tree and just decided to not pay attention to what you were doing?”

Evan shrugged, staring down at his feet. His fingers played with the fraying edges of his shirt. “I guess.”

“I... am too high for this,” Connor admitted, shaking his head. “Well, glad you’re safely back on the ground, I guess.” He flopped down under the tree, resting his back against it and pulling out a joint from his pocket.

Evan stood there awkwardly. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do now. Connor Murphy had just interrupted his suicide attempt... What did one do after a failed attempt? It’s not like he’d done this before. Did he just go about his day as usual? Did he go home?

“Did you... need something?” Connor asked. He took a drag from the joint, holding the smoke in for a minute before blowing it out.

Evan shook his head. “No, sorry..” He looked down at his sneakers.

He didn’t know if he should thank Connor for the interruption, or curse him for it. So, he said nothing. He turned on his heel and walked away.

~*~*~

Two hours later, Connor finally felt ready to go home. Or, as ready as he could. It had been a shitty day. Going home to face Larry didn’t sound appealing at all.

The perfect excuse to stay gone longer presented itself in the form of a backpack.

He almost left it. What did he care? But then he hesitated. It occurred to him that he knew the tree climbing kid from school. Evan, maybe? He was an anxious, nervous person, and he always seemed like he was trying to melt into the background. Of course, that wasn’t possible, since he was friends with that dumbass, Kleinman, who always liked to crack disgusting jokes – usually at Connor’s expense. Evan, however, never chimed in or laughed. If anything, he looked embarrassed on Jared’s behalf. Connor couldn’t figure out why someone who seemed so nice would hang-out with someone who was such an asshole.

Not that he was one to judge. He didn’t have any friends, had pushed away the only person who had cared about him.

Connor shook the thought away. He stared at the backpack again. He liked having a reason to not go home, so he reached for the bag’s zipper and yanked it open, searching for something with an address. He found a wallet and, inside, a learner’s permit. Connor studied it. He’d been right, the kid’s name was Evan. And he didn’t live far from the park.

Connor stood, brushing grass and dirt off his pants. He hooked the backpack over his shoulder and walked. The cool evening breeze helped clear his head. By the time he got to Evan’s house, he felt sober again. Which kind of sucked, actually. He wasn’t good at this kind of thing, and he’d rather still be high.

He hesitated before ringing the bell. Minutes passed with no answer. He was starting to think no one was home. There weren’t any cars in the driveway. He sighed, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Finally, he put the bag down in front of the door and turned to leave.

He’d barely taken a few steps when sounds behind him made him pause.

“Thanks,” a voice mumbled.

Connor turned, just as Evan ducked his head.

“No prob- hey, wait, you okay?”

Evan nodded without looking up. He wasn’t okay. He was crying. And he didn’t want Connor Murphy to see him crying _again_.

“You sure? I can... do you want me to...?”

Connor wasn’t sure what he was trying to ask.

Evan, apparently, wasn’t sure either, because he looked up at Connor with a furrowed brow before quickly looking back down again. But it was enough; Connor had seen the tears.

“Wanna order pizza?” Connor blurted. Which... He realized too late how weird it was that he’d just invited himself over for dinner with someone he didn’t even really know. “Sorry..” Connor said quickly. “Just... I get the munchies after I smoke, and I smoked two joints so I’m hungrier than I normally am.” Not exactly a lie, but also it was mostly just an excuse for him to stay. He didn’t want to leave Evan alone when he was crying like this. He didn’t know the kid and didn’t owe him anything, but there was a sadness in Evan’s eyes - beyond just the fact that he was crying - that mirrored the sadness Connor felt on any given day.

“Oh... I, um...” Evan picked at the hem of his shirt, glancing nervously up at Connor. “You don’t have to, like...” He shrugged, fumbling for the right words to say. “I’m- it’s fine. I’m fine. You don’t have to... stay because you pity the pathetic crying kid, or whatever.”

Connor frowned. “I’m.. not? Actually, I really just don’t feel like going home yet, to be honest. And... well, if we hang out, we can both pretend we have friends.”

“How do you know I... I mean, I have one frie- family friend.” Connor’s face seemed to fall at his words. “B-but it, um.. yeah, pizza would be cool,” Evan quickly added. He wasn’t very hungry, but he didn’t really feel like being alone. Not after what he’d almost done at the park.. Being alone right now felt dangerous.

Connor nodded. They stood there awkwardly for a few minutes.

“Oh! Uh, sorry... Come in?” Evan asked hesitantly, moving aside so Connor could walk by him into the house. He’d never had anyone but Jared over, so this was... weird. He flushed in mild embarrassment before closing the door.

“It’s... not much. Compared to, you know..”

“It’s great,” Connor remarked, staring around. The place actually looked lived in, unlike his house, where god forbid one thing was out of place, his mom would go crazy.

“Oh,” Evan mumbled, sounding surprised. “Um, you can go... the living room is there. I’ll just...”

Evan shuffled off to the kitchen, grabbing the pizza menu. When he got back to the living room, Connor had taken a seat on the couch.

“Any preference?”

“Nope. As long as it doesn’t have fruit on it, I could care less.”

Evan nodded. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, staring at the menu, fingers poised over the keypad of his phone. He tried to take steadying breaths; he didn’t want to look any more pathetic in front of Connor than he probably already had, but he just couldn’t bring himself to dial. The day’s events were catching up to him, and his anxiety was hitting hard and fast.

Great. Connor Murphy had foiled his suicide attempt and seen him cry twice, and now he was going to have a panic attack in front of him, too.

Connor stared at Evan for several minutes before plucking the menu and Evan’s phone from his shaking hands. He ordered two pepperoni pies, then hung up and put everything down on the coffee table.

“Thanks,” Evan mumbled, sitting on the other side of the couch and putting his face in his hands, trying to steady his breathing.

“No problem,” Connor shrugged. “I get it, anxiety sucks.

Evan looked up at him sharply. “How did you...?”

“We go to school together? I might be the resident stoner, but I’m still observant. When everyone around you is too scared to make eye contact with you, it’s easy to watch them without being noticed. Plus, I have anxiety, too. I know what it looks and feels like.”

“Oh,” Evan replied softly, torn between feeling embarrassed that someone had noticed his anxiety when he tried so hard to hide it, or relieved that someone understood what he was going through. “Sorry.”

Connor shrugged, grabbing the remote off the coffee table and flipping the TV on. He realized he was making himself at home, not even bothering to ask Evan if it was okay. But considering he’d only just met Evan for the first time, technically, he felt oddly relaxed in his presence.

They didn’t talk after that, just stared straight ahead at the random sci-fi movie Connor had settled on. Connor answered the door when the pizza guy arrived, without Evan having to ask or say anything. When he settled back down, they ate in silence.

It was weird, though. Evan found that it was a comfortable silence. Usually silence freaked him out – it would make his mind wander, and he would say the first dumb thing that he could think of to fill the silence. But for whatever reason, he didn’t feel the need to do that with Connor.

They’d finished almost an entire pizza when the front door clicked open.

“Hey, sweetie, how was- oh.” Heidi smiled, glancing from Evan to the other boy.

Evan sat straight up. “Mom! I didn’t.. Sorry, you just... you don’t usually... Don’t you go straight to class from work? Usually?”

Heidi nodded, quirking a brow at her son. “I had a short shift today, thought it would be nice to come home and change before class.” She glanced at the other boy. “Hi, I’m Heidi.”

“Connor,” he replied, shifting on the couch like he was going to stand and shake her hand, but wasn’t sure if he should.

Heidi smiled. “Well, I’ll be out of your hair shortly.” She disappeared into the kitchen, grabbed her books, then poked her head into the living room on her way out. “I’m glad to see you’re eating dinner for once. Don’t stay up too late, it’s a school night. Nice meeting you, Connor!” With that, she left.

Both Evan and Connor relaxed back into the couch as soon as the lock on the front door clicked.

“Sorry,” Evan mumbled.

“For.. what?” Connor asked, frowning. “You apologize for weird shit.”

“I know,” Evan sighed. “Sorry for... you feeling like... like you need to stay? Sorry that my mom came home? I... yeah.. just, sorry.”

“I mean, I didn’t _have_ to stay. I wanted to.” The words coming out of his mouth shocked Connor. Because he found that he actually meant them. “And, I mean, it _is_ your house. Makes sense that your mom would come home at some point, right?

“Actually... no,” Evan admitted. “She’s usually not home that- um, she just has class and works a lot so... I’m usually just here alone.”

“Well that fucking sucks,” Connor frowned. “But also, it doesn’t? I feel like my parents are always home. And if they aren’t, my sister is. It would be nice to have some time alone once in awhile. Although I don’t think they really trust me alone, so maybe that’s why it doesn’t happen often.” He huffed out a bitter chuckle, picking at his black nail polish.

Evan frowned. “Why don’t they trust you alone?” 

Connor looked up sharply at him, frowning. Evan gulped. “No, never mind, I’m so sorry, that was so rude of me to ask!”

Connor snorted. “Chill. It’s fine. Uh... I mean, I’m sure you’ve heard the rumors?”

“Rumors...?” Evan asked, his voice lilting up into a question. 

Connor rolled his eyes. Clearly Evan _had_ heard the rumors. “Yeah, I’m Crazy Connor Murphy, right? Threw a printer at Mrs. G. in the second grade. Tried to kill myself in the tenth grade.”

Evan paled. He actually hadn’t heard that last one... Connor had tried to kill himself? Just like Evan had planned to that afternoon..? 

“So maybe you hadn’t heard all the rumors,” Connor said flatly, twisting his rings around his fingers. Great. If the boy wasn’t anxious before, he had to be terrified in that moment. “I can leave, if you want.”

Evan opened and closed his mouth, but words wouldn’t come. Connor rolled his eyes again and stood.

“Well, yeah.. No problem,” Connor said quickly, waving Evan off. “Not like I expected us to... I just wanted to return your bag to you. Which I’ve done. So..” He quickly made his way to the front door, letting it slam behind him. 

He’d heard Evan’s small “wait.” He’d just... pretended he hadn’t.


	2. Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I'm back with another chapter! Hope you enjoy! :) Chapter three should be up in a day or two :)

When Connor got home, he let the door slam behind him, announcing his presence. No point delaying the inevitable. He’d get screamed at sooner or later, and if he got it over with now, he could escape upstairs and they’d leave him alone for the rest of the night.

“CONNOR! Get in here, NOW!”

Connor smirked bitterly, nodding to himself. This was already going exactly as he knew it would.

He turned on his heel to gracefully make his entrance. But he wasn’t graceful. Not at all. He lost his balance and fell into the doorframe as he made his turn. His arm slammed painfully into the wood, but instead of hissing in pain, he snickered.

Yes, he was high again. It was the best way to deal with his parents. And it made things entertaining.

“Do you want to explain why you skipped your last three classes? Or where you’ve been all day?” Larry demanded, arms crossed.

“Nope,” Connor shrugged.

“Connor, we were worried when you didn’t come home,” Cynthia chimed in, voice wobbly, like she’d been crying. “When we didn’t hear from you, we thought...” she sniffled.

“Well, you’re the ones who took my phone away, so I couldn’t exactly call and tell you, hey mom and dad, I’m going to go get high in the park, now could I?”

“High again, huh?” Larry asked, shaking his head. “Why doesn’t that surprise me?”

Connor shrugged, a giant, dramatic gesture. “Cause you’ve learned to accept that I’m a stoner who won’t amount to anything? Oh, wait, you came to that conclusion _years_ ago, when it wasn’t even true.”

Larry gritted his teeth. “You’re grounded for three more weeks. No phone. Straight home from school.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Sure, okay. Not like I have anywhere else to go anyway.”

He stomped loudly up the stairs. Zoe’s door was closed. He paused outside it, frowning for a second. Her music was loud, probably to drown out the argument she knew would happen when Connor got home. A small part of him wanted to knock, to flop onto her bed and complain about how unfair everything was and how much life sucked. But he’d ruined any hope that they could have that kind of relationship a _long_ time ago. So instead, he slumped down the hall to his room - only to discover his door was gone.

Again.

Connor huffed in frustration. His father loved the “take your door” bit. He thought it a fitting punishment, a way of saying without words that Connor didn’t have their trust in that moment. Joke was on them, though, because he didn’t give a shit about their trust. That was something he knew he’d never have, no matter how hard he tried.

He stomped to his bed and sat, staring up at the ceiling. Today had started out really weird. At least it had ended on a more normal note - getting yelled at and grounded. Something familiar.

He couldn’t help but reflect on the day’s events, though. On Evan. On his interactions with Evan. Something about the anxious boy tugged at him, made him want to... Well, he wasn’t really sure what he wanted. But it didn’t matter anyway. As soon as he’d found out Connor had tried to kill himself – had found out just how fucked up Connor was – he’d shut down. Connor had seen it in his eyes. 

So it didn’t matter what Connor wanted. As usual, the universe didn’t give a fuck what Connor wanted.

~*~*~

Evan sat cross-legged on his bed, staring at his computer. Jared was sending him dumb shit, as usual. But he couldn’t really focus on anything. His mind kept wandering back to the park. To the feeling of being up in that tree, standing precariously on a thin branch.

**Jared: Hey, asshole, are you even paying attention to what I’m sending you?**

Evan rolled his eyes at the message, shutting his laptop. He didn’t have the mental energy to deal with Jared today. He sighed, shifting so he was sprawled on his back, staring up at the old glow in the dark stars on his ceiling.

If Connor hadn’t interrupted him, would he be up among the stars right now? Or would he be in hell? Wasn’t suicide a sin? Sins got you sent to hell, right? He wasn’t sure if he even believed in that, though. Maybe he would have just ceased to exist.

And... now what? What happened next? Should he try again? Or had he lost his nerve? He picked at his cuticles until they bled and throbbed. He didn’t know what came next, or what tomorrow would bring; he hadn’t thought to worry about it, since he wasn’t supposed to be alive to see tomorrow.

But now he would be. Thanks - or not? - to Connor Murphy.

~*~*~

“Hey, asshole, what the hell happened to you yesterday?”

Evan looked up sharply, heart thudding in his chest. Jared stood before him, arms crossed in annoyance.

“I- uh, what do you mean? Nothing. Nothing happened yesterday. What?”

Jared made a face at him. “You didn’t answer _any_ of my messages. I had to switch to playing against a computer-generated character since you couldn’t be bothered. Going against the computer is so not as fun as beating your ass three times in a row.”

“Well, gee, thanks?” Evan mumbled, closing his locker. He was highly aware of how many people were in the hallway right now. What would they say if they knew the anxious, awkward nerd had tried to off himself by jumping from a tree? Would they laugh? Would they be disappointed he hadn’t done it successfully?

They couldn’t possibly know, though. Right? Unless Connor had told someone. But who would he tell? He’d basically told Evan that he had no friends. So he wouldn’t tell anyone, right? And besides, Evan hadn’t even seen Connor yet. Which wasn’t unusual, actually, because they only had one class together, and Connor often skipped. So, if he’d skipped class, he probably hadn’t even had a chance to tell anyone. Right..? 

“Earth to Evan,” Jared said, snapping his fingers in Evan’s face.

“I... what?”

Jared rolled his eyes. “I have that meeting at lunch today. You’re on your own.”

Evan’s throat went dry. Jared might not always be the best friend, but he was better than nothing. And Evan _hated_ eating alone. Eating alone made his panic spike every time, without fail. Eating alone in high school was like shouting to the masses that you had no friends; that you were a loner, or worse, a loser who no one wanted to associate with.

Jared rolled his eyes at Evan’s silence, then walked away without another word, leaving Evan alone at his locker, having a mini panic attack. He grabbed his lunch with shaky hands, slammed his locker shut, and walked numbly to the cafeteria.

He’d barely stepped foot inside when he froze, overwhelmed by the number of people, the noise, the onslaught of smells. There weren’t many empty tables, and they were all near tables that were packed with students, which would just emphasis how alone and pathetic he was to anyone walking by.

His heart sped up. His hands grew sweaty and shaky. He closed his eyes, trying to steady his breathing. This was bad. This was going to be _so_ bad. He couldn’t do this. He had to get out of there.

A hand clamped down on his shoulder.

Evan’s eyes flew open, but he kept his gaze straight ahead, trembling from head to toe. He knew it wasn’t Jared, and he didn’t know anyone else who would give him a friendly pat on the shoulder. So whoever it was, whatever was about to happen, it couldn’t possibly end well.

“Evan.”

Evan spun around, eyes comically wide. He hadn’t expected _that_. Especially after how things had ended yesterday...

“You okay?” Connor asked, frowning. His eyes darted around. People were staring, probably because they were waiting for him to beat the shit out of Evan. Because what other reason would he have for talking to someone? He usually kept to himself, and was only seen talking to other people when he was getting into a physical fight with someone, or being verbally confrontational with them.

What people didn’t realize, though, was that the _other_ person was always the one who started it, not Connor. In almost every case, Connor had just been minding his business when someone decided it would be fun to mess with him. No one believed him when he tried to explain that, though – not his teachers, not the principal, and certainly not his parents.

He tried his best to ignore the expectant stares - what the fuck was wrong with people that they _enjoyed_ watching two people beat the shit out of each other? - and focused on Evan. Who seemed a second away from melting down completely.

“Do you need to go somewhere quiet?” Connor asked softly, so the people walking by wouldn’t hear him. When Evan nodded, Connor steered him back out of the cafeteria. Evan seemed incapable of moving on his own, so Connor gave him gentle little shoves until they had turned a few corners. When they reached an empty hallway, Connor grabbed Evan’s arm and pulled him to the ground, so they were both sitting with their backs against a bank of lockers.

Connor opened his lunch and began eating. He shot Evan small glances, making sure he was okay, but didn’t speak. He figured Evan would speak when he felt ready.

Finally, Evan sucked in some air and let it out in a giant puff. “Thank you.”

Connor shrugged. “Not a big deal,” he said, his voice muffled around a bite of his sandwich.

“It actually is, but okay,” Evan mumbled, looking down.

Connor stared at him.

“What?” Evan asked, wondering what he’d done now. It couldn’t get much worse than it already was - he was starting to lose track of how many times he’d cried or had a panic attack in front of Connor at this point.

“Nothing,” Connor finally replied, looking away.

“Okay, but, see, you said you have anxiety, too,” Evan said quickly. “So you know... I mean, you can’t just... Now I’m going to worry it’s something bad. That I did. Because that’s not, like, unusual for me. To do something dumb, I mean.”

Connor snickered. Evan was so surprised, his eyes widened in shock. He’d never seen Connor Murphy smile, or heard him laugh.

“W-what?” Evan demanded - as much as anxious Evan Hansen could demand anything, of course.

“You’re cu-,” Connor cleared his throat. “Funny when you ramble.”

Evan flushed, looking away. “Oh... Okay?”

Connor sighed, letting his head fall back against the lockers. “No, just... I’ve never had anyone thank me, or appreciate something I did for them. Not in a long time, at least.”

Evan didn’t know what to say to that, so he looked down at his hands, picking at his cuticles.

Connor grabbed his hands, pulling them apart. Evan looked up at him, startled. Connor let go quickly, like he’d been electrocuted.

“You’re bleeding, don’t do that,” he scolded.

Evan frowned at his hands. He hadn’t even noticed. “Oh.”

The bell rang. Evan stood reluctantly. He wasn’t ready to go to class. Neither was Connor, apparently, because he remained on the ground, staring up at Evan with an unreadable expression.

“Aren’t you... don’t you have... that was the bell.” Evan shifted his bag and picked at the hem of his shirt, just so he’d have something to do with his hands.

Connor shrugged. “I’ll probably skip.”

Evan nodded. “Oh, okay. Um.. thanks again..”

He turned and left. Connor just sat there on the floor and watched him go.


	3. Caught

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii, I'm back again. That was faster than I expected, honestly. But the next chapter kind of just.. flowed? Not much happens but what DOES happen is important. So.. enjoy!! :) And as usual, I love hearing from you guys! Thoughts, comments, feedback, senseless rambling? I'm here for it all! :) :)

When Evan got home, the house was empty. His mom had left him a note and a $20. He read the note over, his eyes focusing on the part where it said she hoped he’d had a good day.

Had he? He wasn’t even sure. He’d had several small panic attacks throughout the day, plus that big one before lunch. So that hadn’t been so great. But lunch with Connor had been nice, even if it had been on the floor of an empty hallway, and even if Evan hadn’t actually eaten any food.

So, had it been a good day? Maybe not the _greatest_ day, he concluded, but it hadn’t been the worst, either.

He ignored the $20 - no way was he up to interacting with any delivery drivers right now - and grabbed a soda and some string cheese from the fridge instead.

He made his way upstairs, pulling his laptop to his bed and settling in. He had a couple social media accounts that he rarely posted on – what was the point? He barely had any friends, and his anxiety always made him second-guess the things he posted - but he still liked to check it every day, to make sure he wasn’t missing anything important. After that, he checked his email and started his homework.

~*~*~

Two hours later, stomach growling and homework nearly done, Evan made his way downstairs again, hoping to find something – anything – to eat that didn’t involve interacting with a delivery person. He was halfway to the kitchen when there was a knock at the front door. He paused, frowning. He really didn’t have the energy to deal with anyone tonight, especially Jared. He had a bad habit of coming over unannounced. The last thing he wanted to do was watch some weird porno, pretending to be interested while Jared whooped and made inappropriate jokes.

He stood still, praying whoever it was would go away. But they knocked again. He sighed, slumped his shoulders, and shuffled to the door. When he pulled it open, it _wasn't_ Jared.

“Hey,” Connor said shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “Sorry to, uh, come over unannounced. I just... Can I come in? I brought Chinese food.” He held two brown bags up.

Evan’s mouth watered at the delicious smells coming from the bags. He couldn’t believe the turn his night was taking. He nodded, moving so Connor could step inside. Evan shut the door, turning to stare at the taller boy.

“I don’t know if you like Chinese or not.. Or, you know, what you _do_ like if you do.. I just kind of got a little of everything.” Connor shrugged, looking everywhere but directly at Evan. 

“I like Chinese,” Evan replied. “Have a... Um, you can...” He pointed at the living room. “I’ll get plates and... stuff.” 

When Evan returned, plates in hand, Connor was on the couch, pulling take-out boxes and containers from the bag and sorting them on the coffee table.

Evan handed him the plates and silverware, then went back for sodas. 

“Sorry, all we have is Coke.”

Connor looked up at him, his hair falling over one eye. He brushed it back. “Sure, I’ll take a snort of coke, please.”

Evan’s eyes widened. “That’s not.. It’s not.. I meant..COCA-COLA, not..” He frowned. Connor was staring at him, a shit-eating grin on his face. “Jerk,” he mumbled, but he couldn’t help a small laugh.

And then he realized he’d just called Connor Murphy a jerk.

“Ohmygod,” he said in a rush, hand flying to his mouth. “I’m.. I’m so sorry, that was _so_ rude.”

But Connor was snickering. “I mean, you didn’t mean it, right?” he asked, quirking a brow. Evan quickly shook his head. Connor shrugged. “So no need to apologize.”

Evan frowned. He _always_ had something to apologize for.. But he somehow managed to _not_ say that out loud. Instead, he and Connor took turns plating their food. The TV stayed off this time.

“So... Um, how.. Are you okay?”

Connor glanced at Evan, then back down at his plate. He shrugged. 

“Do you want to... talk about it?”

“I, uh... I just kind of needed to get out of my house,” Connor shrugged. “I can only take so much of Larry telling me what a huge disappointment I am before I snap.” His eyes widened a little bit and he blushed. He couldn’t believe he’d said that out loud. Thankfully, he was looking down at his plate, his hair falling to curtain his face, so Evan couldn’t see him blush.

“Larry?” Evan questioned.

“My dad.” Connor stuffed a giant forkful of food into his mouth. 

Evan frowned. “We don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to. We can talk about something else. Or we don’t have to talk at all. We can just.. turn the TV on and not talk. I’m good at not talking. Less chance I’ll say something stupid if I’m not talking.”

Connor gave him a sharp, unreadable look. “You really like talking shit about yourself, don’t you?”

Evan shrugged, looking down.

They lapsed into silence again. 

“What’s your dad like?” 

Evan looked up, startled. “M-my dad?”

Connor nodded. “Yeah... I just told you that mine is an asshole. So what’s yours like? Is he cool or is he an asshole, too?”

“Oh... I mean.. I don’t know,” Evan admitted. “He left when I was seven. Moved to, um, to Colorado. He has a wife and kids there now. So I don’t know.. I mean, I haven’t seen him since he left. He never.. I mean, I’m sure he’s busy with.. Life and, um, stuff..”

“Uh, so he’s an asshole,” Connor concluded.

“I mean, I don’t know-“ Evan began, but Connor shook his head, “Nope, he’s an asshole. If he can’t be bothered to at least stay in touch with his son, he’s an asshole. Like, I get it if he doesn’t wanna stay in touch with your mom – that’s the point of divorce; you don’t talk to your ex-husband or ex-wife or whatever. But you divorce your partner, not your kid. He’s a straight-up asshole.”

Evan stared at Connor with wide eyes, fork halfway to his mouth.

“What?” Connor asked, shifting uncomfortably. 

“Nothing, you just have.. um.. Are your parents divorced?”

Connor laughed bitterly. “No, but I don’t know why they’re still together. They fight all the time, and they can’t agree on anything – especially when it comes to me.”

“You just.. It seems like you have a really solid, um, opinion on divorce, for someone who hasn’t ever experienced it.” Evan paused, putting his fork down. “Not that you have to experience something to have an opinion on it. I mean, you totally can. Sorry.”

Connor made a face at him. “I mean, honestly, the whole concept of marriage and divorce makes no sense to me. Why would you tie yourself to one person for the rest of your life? Why bother, if there’s a chance it could end in divorce? How can you just.. fall out of love with someone?” 

“I don’t know,” Evan said softly, his thoughts going to his parents. Had they ever truly been happy? They’d loved each other enough to have a kid together.. Didn’t that count for something? 

“I guess my parents fight so much, I just wonder how they’re still together,” Connor finally explained. “So that makes me think about divorce a lot, because I’m always expecting them to. Divorce, I mean.” 

Evan nodded. “What about your mom? What’s she like?”

Connor shrugged. “I mean.. she tries. Sometimes I feel like a real dick for how I treat her. I know she’s trying. But I... I don’t know.” He sighed. “Sometimes, my dad is just such an ass when he talks to me... But I know if I yell back at him, it’ll just make it worse. So I take it out on my mom – and my sister, honestly - instead. I don’t mean to, just...” 

“It’s okay, I get it,” Evan said quickly. He could see how uncomfortable Connor was. 

Connor nodded, grateful. “What about your mom?”

Now Evan was the one looking uncomfortable. “She’s.. I guess she’s actually great, considering. She has to work a lot and she’s taking classes, and she’s a single parent, so I don’t _blame_ her for not being home a lot. I guess most teenagers would love it, but sometimes it’s lonely... Sometimes it feels like she tries too hard to get me, but then I feel bad for feeling that way because, I mean, how horrible is it to think she’s trying _too_ hard when some parents don’t try at all? And I just feel, I don’t know, ungrateful, I guess? And I could probably tell her anything and she’d be understanding and be on my side and I’m such an ungrateful brat for not.. for not...”

“Hey,” Connor said firmly. “Evan, it’s okay. You’re not a brat. Your feelings are valid.”

Evan’s lip trembled, but he nodded, grateful. 

He also couldn’t believe he’d blurted all that out. To Connor Murphy. 

“I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I said all that,” Evan said after a minute. “You didn’t need to know all that. Sorry.”

“I mean, it’s cool,” Connor shrugged. “Sometimes you just need to talk to someone.”

Evan nodded. “Yeah, I... This has been... I’m.. I’m sorry I got weird the other day.”

Connor grinned at him. “You’re gonna have to be more specific. You’re weird all the time.” Evan’s face fell at his words, so Connor rushed to add, “I mean, so am I. So it’s fine.”

“When you... When we were talking and... That first day...” Evan swallowed. “About.. When you tried to...”

Connor quirked a brow at him. “You can say it. When I talked about trying to kill myself.”

Evan flushed, but nodded. “I’m sorry I got so weird. I didn’t mean to make you feel... judged. I really didn’t. Life sucks sometimes and... and I get it. And you’re not a freak or whatever for that. Sometimes it’s just... Life is just... too much?”

Connor furrowed his brow. “You say that like you know from personal experience. Have you.. have you ever tried...?”

“No,” Evan said quickly - too quickly. “No, not, um... no, I haven’t. I just... I... life is, I mean, I get _why_ someone would...” He huffed out a breath. “I’m sorry, I’m digging myself deeper into a hole here. I’m really not judging, and I get it. That’s all I’m trying to say.”

“Okay,” Connor shrugged. Shockingly, he actually did believe Evan. “It’s cool. Sorry I overreacted and didn’t give you a chance to say that the first time. I’ve had enough people stare at me and call me a freak. I didn’t need it from you, too, so I just bailed. But you’re clearly too nice to be like that.”

Guilt ate at Evan immediately. He wasn’t sure why he felt so bad lying to Connor; they hardly knew each other. He didn’t owe Connor anything. Right?

But... didn’t he? Connor had stopped him from jumping that day, even if he was completely unaware of that fact. He’d brought Evan’s bag back to him, and stayed with him even though Evan had insisted he was fine. He’d bailed him out in the cafeteria, when he’d been thisclose to a public panic attack. He’d spent lunch with him, on a dirty floor, just to make sure he was okay.

He kind of owed Connor a _lot_.

But.. he just wasn’t ready to admit to anyone what he’d tried to do. He could barely admit it to himself.

Connor frowned at Evan. He seemed... _really_ uncomfortable and upset. Time to change the subject.

“What time does your mom get home?”

Evan swallowed a bite of food and glanced at the clock. It was already 7:30. Wow. He and Connor had been talking for almost two hours. 

“Probably another hour or so. Maybe two, if they get busy and she has to help cover someone.”

“Did you want... I can leave before she gets home?” 

Evan glanced up at Connor, trying to read his expression. Did he _want_ to leave before Heidi got home? Or was he hoping Evan would let him stay? But Connor was really good at putting on a poker face, and Evan couldn’t read the look on his face.

“I mean...” Evan paused, licking sauce off his lip. “You can stay as long as you want. Or not, if you don’t want to stay. Don’t feel obligated to stay. But I wouldn’t mind the... If you don’t want to go home yet...” 

Connor quirked a brow. Had Evan almost said he wouldn’t mind the company? As in, he wouldn’t mind _Connor's_ company? 

“I can stay. I don’t mind staying,” Connor said quickly. 

Evan nodded. “Yeah.. Cool.”

Without asking, Connor picked up the remote and turned the TV on.

~*~*~

When Heidi arrived home, the house smelled like Chinese food, and the living room TV was on. She smiled, proud that Evan had finally plucked up the courage to order take-out for himself. She turned the corner into the living room, mouth opening to tell him how proud she was of him, when she stopped short.

Evan and Connor were on the couch, asleep. Evan had slumped over into Connor, his head against Connor’s arm. 

Heidi smiled at them. She stood there for a minute before backing slowly out of the room. She opened the front door, then let it slam shut. 

“I’m home, Evan!” She called loudly.

She gave it a minute, loudly dropping her keys on the table. This time, when she stepped into the living room, both boys were awake - though both looked groggy - and sitting up, an entire couch cushion between them. 

“Oh, hi Connor! How are you?”

“Good, thanks,” he said through a yawn. 

“Evan?” Heidi asked, grinning at him. 

Evan blushed. Thankfully, he’d woken before Connor, startled by the front door slamming shut. It had taken him a minute to fully wake up, then another to realize what had happened. But he’d quickly pulled away from Connor, just before the other boy had opened his eyes. 

“Sorry, we um... Must’ve fallen asleep, I guess.” Evan wouldn’t look her in the eye.

“Mhm,” Heidi replied, nodding. “Glad to see you boys ate dinner.”

“Oh,” Connor said, eyes wide. “There’s plenty left, if you’re hungry, Ms. Hansen.”

“Please, it’s Heidi. And thank you,” she said, smiling warmly at him. “There are extra blankets in the hall closet if you want to make the couch up, Connor. Or we have an air mattress we can put on Evan’s floor.”

Connor blinked, glancing at the clock. His eyes widened. It was after 10:30pm.

“Shit,” he hissed, jumping to his feet. “I- Sorry... I gotta head home. I’ll, uh... see ya, Evan. Bye, Ms- Heidi.”

They watched him as he scrambled to leave, avoiding eye contact with them. When the door shut behind him, Heidi turned to look at her son, eyebrow quirked in question.

“What?” Evan asked. “What’s that... why are you looking at me like that?”

“No reason,” Heidi shrugged. “You should get some sleep, you have school tomorrow. I’ll clean this up.”

Evan nodded, mumbling a goodnight and escaping up to his room.

~*~*~

Connor made it all the way home and back up to his room without running into his parents. He sank down onto his bed, sighing in relief. He really wasn’t up for another fight with his dad.

“Caught you.”

Connor jumped. He’d been lost in his thoughts - thoughts about Evan - and hadn’t heard Zoe tiptoe into his room.

“What do you want?” He snapped, but with less bite than usual. 

“Wait.. are you _blushing_?” Zoe asked, stepping closer, eyes narrowed.

Connor scooted back on his bed, further away from his sister, looking down so his hair curtained his face

“What? No! What do you want? If you’re gonna rat me out to mom and dad, just do it. I don’t give a shit.”

Zoe frowned at him. “You’re... something is weird about you.”

“Well, duh,” Connor sneered. “I’m the freak that tried to kill himself, of course I’m weird.”

“No...” Zoe looked thoughtful. “You don’t smell like weed.”

Connor scowled at her. “So? I don’t get high _all_ the time. Can you please just go the fuck away?”

Zoe blinked. He never said please. Ever. And even though he was saying it in a snappy, mean way right now, he’d still said it. It shocked her so much, she actually did as he asked and left him alone.

He laid back down, staring at his ceiling, lost in thought again.

He’d woken up a few minutes before Heidi had come home. He’d been startled to find Evan asleep with his head on his arm. He’d almost pulled away, but it had felt.. nice. Really nice. So he’d closed his eyes again, trying to fall back to sleep, Evan warm against his side. 

Then Heidi had come home, and Evan had pulled away, and Connor had pretended to wake up after Evan.

Connor shrugged the whole incident away. It couldn’t have meant anything. They’d just fallen asleep. Evan couldn’t control the direction his body fell while he was asleep. It didn’t mean anything. 

Right?


	4. No Questions Asked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy. Sorry for the slowish update. I love this chapter, and I hope you guys do, too! <3

Connor was waiting at Evan’s locker the next day. 

“Sorry I bailed last night,” Connor said the moment Evan approached him. “I’m technically still grounded, I needed to get back before anyone realized I was gone.”

“And did you?” Evan asked. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, trying not to act weird. Connor didn’t know Evan had fallen asleep on his shoulder. And it had been an accident. No reason to act weird and draw attention to something that wasn’t a big deal and didn’t need to be made into a big deal. Right? 

“My sister caught me, but I don’t think she’s going to say anything.”

“Oh.. okay, good.”

Connor nodded, trying hard not to think about last night, and how comfortable it had felt with Evan asleep beside him. He was staring, though, which made Evan blush. He liked having that effect on this cute, anxious boy. 

“Lunch?” Connor asked quickly, before he lost his nerve. He hated the cafeteria just as much as Evan did, but maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if he had someone to eat with this time. Usually people avoided his table like the plague. He’d never admit it out loud, but sometimes, it got lonely.

Evan’s eyes widened. He nodded, just as the bell rang. 

Evan grabbed his lunch from his locker, and they walked to the cafeteria together. People stared as they walked in, and whispers followed them as they sat at Connor’s usual corner table. Evan glanced around anxiously. He wasn’t used to being the center of attention, and literally everyone was glancing their way - or, that’s how it felt, at least. 

“Hey,” Connor said. “Focus on me, and forget those losers. Or we can go somewhere else.”

Evan glanced around again. People were staring. And whispering. He felt his pulse quicken.

“Can we go somewhere else?” Evan asked, glancing back at Connor, who nodded and stood. He pushed Evan in didn’t of him so he’d be at Evan’s back, and able to keep an eye out for anyone trying to approach them. 

They cleared the cafeteria without incident, but ran into Jared when they turned the corner into another hallway. 

“What the fuck,” Jared said, voice filled with shock. “You haven’t responded to my messages in, like.. days. I was starting to think you’d died or some shit. And you’re here with Connor fucking Murphy? What the fuck, Evan?”

Evan gulped, opening and closing his mouth to speak, looking like a fish out of water. 

“Fuck off, Kleinman,” Connor growled, grabbing Evan by his sleeve and yanking him around Jared. 

They turned another corner, Connor still dragging Evan along. The anxious boy looked like he was two seconds away from a nervous breakdown. Connor pulled him to a set of doors, pushing them open. He didn’t stop moving until they had reached the field and were safely under the bleachers.

The second Connor let his arm go, Evan collapsed to the ground. Connor sat beside him, not saying anything, just waiting and watching.

“I’m sorry,” Evan finally said, once he’d calmed down. 

“Don’t apologize for having anxiety,” Connor said firmly. 

“I can’t help it... I mean, I apologize for breathing,” Evan said, a soft, breathy laugh escaping him. He swiped away the tears that had fallen, blushing bright red. What was it about Connor Murphy? Evan always let his defenses down around him, always found himself crying or blurting out his life story. Why? 

Evan had finally calmed down enough to see where they were - under the bleachers behind the gym.

“Isn’t this where kids come to, um.. to smoke weed and-and.. uh.. you know, make-out?” He asked nervously, looking around. 

“It sure is,” Connor said cheerfully, pulling a joint and lighter from his pocket. He held them out to Evan.

“Oh... I don’t.. I mean, you can, but I..”

Connor shrugged. “It’s cool,” was all he said out loud. In his head, he thought: _we could always make out instead..._... But he kept the thought to himself.

“Won’t we get in trouble?” Evan asked nervously. He’d never skipped class or left the building without permission. Sure, it was only lunch but...

“I can always say I bullied you into coming out here,” Connor said, puffing out some smoke. “Everyone would believe it in a heartbeat.”

Evan frowned at him. The defeat in his voice was... heartbreaking. “No. I won’t let you get in trouble for me. I’ll tell them I was having a panic attack and you helped me. I mean.. it’s the least I can do.”

Connor stared blankly at him. Evan wasn’t sure if it was because he was high or... 

“Did... um, did I say something..? I mean... I’m sorry if I...”

“No,” Connor said quietly, staring down at his lap. “No, you didn’t say anything wrong.”

“Then why...?”

“Well, well, well, what have we got here?”

Connor quickly stubbed the joint out, scrambling to his feet, as Evan did the same beside him. 

Coach Richards, the gym teacher, stood before them, arms crossed. 

“I expect this from you, Mr. Murphy,” he said sharply. “But I’m disappointed, Mr. Hansen. This isn’t like you. Let’s go, both of you.”

Evan glanced anxiously at Connor, who was avoiding his gaze. His heart was pounding, and the tightness in his chest was back. What had Connor been about to say? What was going to happen next?

In the principal’s office, Evan nervously asked to go in first. Connor slumped into a chair in the main office, frowning after him. He picked anxiously at his nail polish.

Ten minutes passed. Then fifteen. Then twenty. Connor was starting to panic, when the principal, Mr. Briggs, emerged and beckoned him in. Connor frowned, but followed. Evan was staring at his lap and wouldn’t look at Connor when he sat down.

“Evan explained why you were both outside without permission,” Mr. Briggs said immediately, folding his hands together and frowning at them. “While I commend you for helping a fellow student, you both still know that leaving the building without permission during school hours is prohibited.”

“Mr. Hansen, you have a procedure you’re supposed to follow when you have your panic attacks. You know you’re supposed to go to the nurse. I understand Mr. Murphy didn’t know about that procedure, and I understand you weren’t capable of telling him in that moment. But a school rule was still broken, and can’t go without consequence.”

He paused, letting his words sink in. Evan nodded, still staring at his lap.

“Mr. Murphy, while again, I commend you for helping a student in need, we can’t overlook the fact that you were also caught doing drugs.” He paused, staring from one boy to the other. “Mr. Hansen, I think you should take the rest of today off to both recover from your episode, and to consider a better way to handle this next time. While I understand things like this are.. unpredictable.. you still can’t just leave school without permission. I’m also giving you a two-day suspension, starting tomorrow.”

Evan hung his head. Connor wanted to argue on Evan’s behalf. How was that fair at all? But he knew arguing could potentially make this situation worse for Evan, so he kept his mouth shut.

“Mr. Murphy, you’re suspended for a week for use of drugs on campus, and be glad it isn’t more.” Mr. Briggs pressed his lips together. “I’ll be calling both your parents to inform them of today’s incident, and they’ll need to pick you up immediately.”

“My parents are away for the next few days,” Connor shrugged. “Some Lame-ass Larry Murphy Law Firm Camping trip. No cell service.” 

“M-my mom... She’s in a big mandatory training session at work today. If she leaves, they could fire her.. Please...” Evan looked ready to cry again. Connor fought the urge to grab his hand.

Mr. Briggs sighed. “Do either of you have a family member over the age of 18 who can come get you?”

Connor bit the inside of his cheek so hard, he tasted blood. He was going to regret this... “I do. I have a cousin. He’ll get us both, no problem.”

“Fine. We’ll be sending you both home with letters, then, that detail what happened today. And we’ll be mailing them as well, in case you accidentally lose them,” Mr. Briggs said with a firm look. “Please go out to the desk. My secretary will get your letters ready, and you can call your cousin to come get you.” With that, he waved them out of the office and went back to typing something on his computer.

The principal’s secretary beckoned them over when she saw them. She pointed at the phone on her desk. “Let your cousin know that he has to come inside to get you and sign you out. I’ll get your letters ready while you wait for him.”

Connor hesitated before picking the phone up. He dialed the only number he had memorized. It rang six times before someone picked up. 

“Hey, it’s your cousin, Connor. I.. need a favor.”

~*~*~

“I’m here for my cousin, Connor Murphy, and his friend.”

Connor never thought he’d hear that voice again. But such was life. 

“Wait here,” Connor mumbled to Evan, standing and walking to the desk, flushing at the sight before him.

Miguel smirked at him. “Hey, CUZ, long time no see.”

Connor motioned to the empty conference room off to the side of the main office. Miguel frowned at him, then glanced over at Evan, who looked confused. But he followed Connor into the conference room.

“Thanks for, uh, for coming,” Connor said quickly. “I wouldn’t have bothered you if it weren’t.. If I didn’t really... Just don’t take this the wrong way, we’re not getting back together.

Amusement danced in Miguel’s eyes. “You wound me, _principito_. I’m hot, I’m not stupid.”

Connor rolled his eyes, though he blushed at the use of his old nickname. “Look, I just need you to drop Evan at his house and me at mine, okay? And please don’t say anything in front of him about us or that kind of stuff, okay?”

“Still living in the closet?” Miguel asked. His eyes flicked over Connor’s long-sleeved sweatshirt, catching a glimpse of his black bracelets poking out from under the sleeves. “Amongst other things?”

Connor scowled. “Please, M.”

Miguel frowned, but nodded. Connor turned away without another word and walked back to the secretary’s desk. Miguel was right behind him. He signed both boys out of school, took the letters the secretary held out to him, then glanced at Connor.

“Evan,” Connor called, gesturing for him to follow. They stepped out into the hallway. “Need anything from your locker?”

Evan shook his head no, and they all proceeded out to the parking lot and to Miguel’s car. As soon as Miguel cleared the parking lot, Connor grabbed his phone right out of his pants pocket and punched in the code to unlock it. He couldn’t help a small smile – Miguel had always been bad at remembering to change his passwords. Not to mention he used the same ones over and over. So predictable.

“Don’t you have _any_ respect?” Miguel demanded, but his voice was warm and held a laugh.

“For you? Pssh,” Connor snickered. He picked a song, which started playing through the car speakers, then punched Evan’s address into the GPS.

“Oh, I know you don’t respect me. I meant respect for privacy,” Miguel replied.

“I totally do,” Connor said, “Just not when it comes to _your_ privacy.” He gave Miguel the side-eye, forcing back a smile. It was like they’d never stopped hanging out.

Evan sank down into his seat, frowning at the back of their heads. He let out a little sigh, then stared out the window. The drive to his house was quick. He mumbled a thank you to Miguel before getting out and making for the front door.

Connor frowned, quickly going after him. “Hey, wait.”

Evan paused, turning to face him.

“So... thanks,” Connor said after a moment’s hesitation. “For, you know, telling Mr. Briggs I was helping you. It... you didn’t have to, and I appreciate it.”

“Well, it actually was the truth, so.. I wasn’t going to let you get in trouble for it,” Evan said. He felt himself blushing and quickly looked to the ground.

“Still, you didn’t have to.” Connor frowned at the house, which looked dark. “Are you.. Is your mom really in a conference today?” Evan nodded. “Well.. if she’s getting home late, I can always stay.. If you want the company..?”

“Oh, um.. I actually don’t know how late she’ll be today, and I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be there when I tell her what happened.”

Connor nodded. “Well, if you change your mind..” He pulled his phone from his pocket – his parents had finally, reluctantly, agreed to give it back to him so they could keep better tabs on his whereabouts - and handed it over to Evan. “Put your number in and I’ll text you so you have mine.”

Evan punched his number in, mumbled another thanks for the ride home, then slipped inside the house. Connor stood there for a minute before going back to Miguel’s car and climbing in. 

“So how have you been, _principito_?” Miguel said, after he’d started the drive to Connor’s house. “Still getting yourself into trouble, I guess.”

“Always” Connor said with a chuckle, frowning at him. “Um.. I really do appreciate you coming to get us, no questions asked. I know.. I mean, the way we left things..”

Miguel shrugged. “It’s cool. I didn’t really like how we ended things, anyway, so maybe we can.. talk?”

Connor gulped. “I mean.. Clearly I’m not the sharing type.”

Miguel smirked. “Oh, I know. But I wanted to apologize for pushing you that day.” He glanced at Connor before focusing back on the road. “I mean, I shouldn’t have pushed you to talk about something you clearly weren’t ready to talk about.”

“I still could have reacted better,” Connor admitted, staring straight ahead. 

“I suppose,” Miguel agreed, shrugging. “Anyway, what happened today?”

Connor hesitated. “Um.. Well, Evan – that guy I was with – he was, uh, having a panic attack, so I helped get him outside and away from everyone. I was smoking a joint when the gym teacher caught us out there and we got in trouble for leaving the building during school hours.”

“Why is it weed is always your downfall?” Miguel chuckled.

“I don’t know,” Connor scowled. “I mean, it was _your_ weed the first time, so.. Maybe _weed_ isn’t my downfall. Maybe _other people_ are my downfall, since both times, I got in trouble because of someone else.”

Miguel winced. “I deserved that.”

Connor crossed his arms, staring out his window.

“So.. That guy? Evan? Friends, or..?”

“Well, considering we’ve only known each other for about three days, yeah, I’d say we’re just friends.”

“But...?” Miguel asked, just as they reached Connor’s house. 

“But nothing,” Connor mumbled. “Thanks again. Sorry I had to bother you, but I appreciate it.” He quickly got out of the car before Miguel could say anything else, stalking into the house and slamming the front door closed.


	5. A Caged Tiger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy, hope everyone's well! So... I LOVE the content of this chapter. Like, so much. And I REALLY wanted to get it up tonight. But I have a massive migraine right now, so I'm sorry if it's not edited as well as usual. Hopefully there's nothing super glaringly obvious or obnoxious. Lemme know if there is! Hope you enjoy! Leave comments if you can - I love reading them! <3

Evan was sitting on his bed, staring at his computer, when Heidi walked into his room. He quickly shut his laptop, even though he had nothing to hide but the fact that he had an essay that was still due tomorrow, despite being suspended, and he hadn’t even started it.

“Hey, kiddo,” Heidi said cheerfully.

“Mom,” he said, eyes wide. “I didn’t.. when did you..? I didn’t even hear the front door.” 

Heidi made a face at him. “Everything okay? You seem jumpier than usual.” She tried to smile affectionately at him, to soften the blow of her words, but she knew they sounded harsh, nonetheless.

Evan gulped. “Have you, um... Did you – did you listen to your voicemail yet?”

She crossed her arms, narrowing her eyes at him. “No. Evan, what’s going on?”

Shit.

“Um. I...” He felt tears in his eyes, and he wanted to scream. Why was he crying so much lately? Real men didn’t cry. At least, that’s what his dad used to say - one of the last things he ever said to Evan. The thought made the tears come harder and faster.

“Oh, sweetie...” Heidi moved his laptop aside so she could sit beside him, crushing him in a signature Heidi Hug. She rubbed his back and kissed the side of his head before pulling back and looking him in the eye. “Talk to me.”

“I was... I’m so- I’m so sorry...” He wasn’t quite hyperventilating, but he was close. He shook his head, staring at his lap. He couldn’t look her in the eye. “I was suspended for two days.”

It was silent for so long, he finally looked up, trembling. Heidi was frowning at him, her expression blank.

“For what?”

Evan sniffled, picking at a loose thread in his blanket. “I had a-a bad panic attack at lunch. Connor helped me get somewhere quiet while it passed. But he took me outside to the bleachers. Which breaks the whole ‘no leaving the building during school hours’ rule. So.”

Heidi sighed. “Evan, you _know_ you’re supposed to go to the nurse’s office when you have one of your panic attacks.”

“I know,” Evan said sharply. She gave him The Look, and he winced. “I’m s-sorry.. I just... It was bad, and I just... I couldn’t even speak to tell Connor that.”

“Why would he take you out of the building, instead of finding an empty hallway or getting a teacher or.. or _anything_ besides breaking such a big rule? A rule in place to keep you _safe_?” 

“He was just trying to help,” Evan shrugged. “I don’t think he was really thinking about what we were doing. And, just... I don’t.. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t know him that well yet, but I don’t think he really trusts adults all that much. Just from some things he’s said.”

Heidi sighed, nodding. “I understand your school has certain rules in place, but... I can’t believe they suspended you boys for this. It’s not like you were up to no good. You weren’t _trying_ to break a rule; you were just trying to get somewhere safe and quiet to calm down. It’s just... I get it, but it’s ridiculous.”

Evan opened and closed his mouth, his brain refusing to produce words. This wasn’t the reaction he had expected. He had fully been expecting her to yell at him and ground him.

“Poor Connor, too. He was trying to help you, and he got himself in trouble. But at least two days isn’t the worst thing in the world, right?” 

Oh, no... Evan was hoping she wouldn’t bring this up. He just nodded.

“I think I need to have a chat with your principal. I respect the rules, but he can’t suspend you boys for this, not when that school goes on and on about how important the well being of their students is, and then they do something like this. Punishing a student who struggles with their mental health - punishing a student who was trying to _help_ another student..”

Shit. He was going to have to tell her... If he didn’t and she went to the principal, he would. And it would be better if she found out from Evan than the principal.

“Mom,” Evan mumbled, staring at his lap again. “Connor was... He wasn’t just suspended for that..”

Heidi frowned, crossing her arms. “What was he suspended for, then?” Her voice was tight with worry.

“He was smoking pot, too,” Evan mumbled.

Silence. Silence that went on for so long, Evan looked up just to see how she was reacting. Her lips were pressed together in a thin line, but he couldn’t read the look in her eyes.

“Did you-“

“No,” he said quickly. “No, I didn’t. He offered and I said no, and he was fine with it. He didn’t try to pressure me or anything, I swear. He’s cool.”

Heidi nodded, raking a hand through her hair in frustration. She opened her mouth to speak. Evan had no idea what she was going to say, but his mind was coming up with worst case scenarios, and he blurted out the first one – the worst one – that came to mind.

“Please... please don’t- Connor has been such- I mean... he’s been a great friend. Please don’t... I-I just...” Evan was shaking so hard now, he couldn’t get his words out. If Heidi told him he couldn’t hang out with Connor anymore, he was pretty sure he’d completely lose it. “Please don’t tell me I can’t hang out with him anymore,” he finally managed, voice breaking. He felt fresh tears streaming down his face.

“Evan, calm down, it’s okay,” she said gently, rubbing his arm. “I’m not..” she sighed. “You can still hang out with him. It’s.. There are worse things than pot, I guess.”

Evan visibly relaxed, eyes closing. He took in a deep breath, then let it out. “Thank you.”

“I’m not exactly sure I like you having a friend who does something like that. But I’m really happy you boys get along so well, and as long as he never pressures you into trying it...”

Evan nodded quickly. “No, of course. He wouldn’t do that.”

Heidi sighed, rubbing her temples. “Okay, well... I still want to speak to your principal about this. But, for now, just... try to relax, okay?”

Evan nodded. “Can... Can Connor come over for dinner?” At the look his mom gave him, he rushed to add: “His parents are away on a business thing and he and his sister don’t get along, and I feel like it’s my fault he got in trouble. The least I can do is let him come over for a home-cooked meal... Right?”

Heidi hesitated, but nodded. “Fine. I’d like to meet him anyway. PROPERLY meet him, not just in passing.”

“Thanks, mom,” Evan said, finally letting his body relax. She nodded, giving him one last kiss on the head before walking out of his room. The second she’d gone, he sent a text to Connor.

**Evan: Come over for dinner?**

The answer was immediate.

**Connor: Be there in 20.**

~*~*~

Heidi opened the door when Connor knocked. He hadn’t realized she’d be home, and he froze, looking like a deer in headlights.

“Hi, Connor. How’s it going?” She asked calmly, motioning for him to come inside.

“Uh... it’s, uh, good... you know, just the usual... I guess..?” What had Evan told her? What should he say? Or _not_ say?

“I heard you boys had an... interesting afternoon?”

“Oh,” Connor mumbled, shifting uncomfortably. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I appreciate that you were there for Evan. You’ve been a good friend.”

Connor ducked his head, rubbing the back of his neck. “Oh.. I... thanks. He’s cool.”

From the way Connor blushed when he said it, it was obvious he thought Evan was more than just cool. Heidi couldn’t help the smile that crossed her face. She cleared her throat, trying to slip back into Mom Mode.

“Your parents are okay with you coming over tonight?” She asked. “I mean.. they aren’t upset, right? I feel terrible you got in trouble while helping Evan. I can talk to them, if it helps.”

“No,” Connor said sharply. He looked up at her, eyes wide. “Sorry.. I didn’t mean... it’s fine. They’re fine.”

Heidi frowned. She didn’t believe him for a second, but she let it go. “Evan’s up in his room. Lasagna will be done soon.”

Connor mumbled a thank you, then ran upstairs. Evan looked up from his spot on his bed when Connor came barreling in.

“Why didn’t you warn me your mom would be home?”

“What-? I... I’m sorry, I didn’t think-“ Evan trembled at the anger in Connor’s voice. He yelped, curling into himself when Connor kicked Evan’s garbage can across the room. It slammed into the wall, spilling trash all over the floor. “Connor!”

Connor huffed, pacing the room. Evan stood slowly, approaching him like one would a caged tiger. 

“Connor,” he said firmly, putting a hand out to stop him from pacing. Connor jumped, blinking at Evan like he’d forgotten Evan was in the room. “It’s okay. I’m sorry, okay? I just figured.. You’ve basically met my mom twice and never cared. I didn’t think it was a big deal. I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t stutter.”

“I- what?” Evan asked, frowning.

“You usually talk like your brain is going a million miles an hour, but you just said that whole thing without pausing or breaking up your sentences or – well, whatever.”

Evan frowned. “I... guess I did?”

Connor looked away from Evan, ashamed at the way he had behaved. His eyes fell to the garbage can. He sighed, slumping over to it and cleaning up the mess. “Sorry.”

Evan nodded. He sat on his bed, back against his pillows. “Wanna watch something on Netflix? Until dinner’s ready?” Connor needed a distraction. Hopefully this helped calm him down.

Connor hesitated, but nodded. He kicked his shoes off and sat beside Evan, legs crossed under him.

“I usually.. Um.. When I need to relax, well.. You might not-“

“Stuttering’s back,” Connor said, frowning at him. 

Evan chewed his lip for a second. “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Connor assured him. “Wasn’t trying to judge or be mean. It’s cute.” 

Evan’s eyes widened. Connor’s mouth dropped open. What the fuck had he said that for?

“I mean.. funny,” he said quickly. “It’s just funny how you went from being so calm to being so anxious. Anxiety is weird, am I right?”

“Oh, yeah,” Evan said, laughing softly. He cleared his throat. “Um.. So, I was trying to say that- that I usually watch documentaries to calm down. Like, documentaries about nature or animals. Or sometimes I..” He looked down, blushing. “Sometimes I watch old cartoons. That’s weird, sorry. It’s just.. calming? I guess? To pretend I’m seven again. Before life went to hell.”

Connor frowned. Seven.. When Evan’s dad had left. He gave Evan’s arm a squeeze. The other boy seemed to sink into Connor’s side – just a little bit. 

“Whatever you want to watch is cool with me.”

Evan nodded, finding something he hoped Connor would enjoy, too.

~*~*~

“Boys, dinner!” Heidi called up the stairs an hour later. 

Evan reluctantly paused the cartoon they’d been watching, and even more reluctantly stood up, immediately missing Connor’s closeness. Which was so weird. Why would he miss that? He shook his head, setting his laptop down on the bed. He glanced at Connor, who seemed a lot calmer now, and they went downstairs to eat.

“This is delicious, Ms. Hansen,” Connor said after a few minutes, his voice stilted and awkward; he wasn’t exactly used to complimenting adults for doing things. Usually, he just yelled at his parents or ignored them.

“Call me Heidi, please. And it’s store-bought, but thank you,” Heidi said, smiling. 

“Oh,” Connor blushed, looking down at his plate.

“So, Connor, tell me about yourself.”

Connor looked up, eyes wide. “I...”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to put you on the spot. I just wanted to get to know you,” she said gently. “No pressure.”

Get to know him? Why? What was there to say? Connor pushed his food around his plate, shrugging. He was saved from answering when his phone beeped with a text message.

“Sorry.” He pulled his phone from his pocket and frowned. His mom, asking where he was.

**Connor: Home.. Why?**

She didn’t answer with a text. Instead, she called him.

“Uh.. Sorry, it’s my mom..” He stood and made his way to the living room. “Hello?”

“Where are you?” Cynthia demanded.

“Home.. What.. Why?”

“I’m home,” Cynthia said shortly. “And you’re not.”

Connor flinched at the anger in her voice, sinking onto the couch. He was used to anger from Larry, not Cynthia. “Oh.. But.. What about dad’s trip?”

She huffed out an annoyed breath. “We were at a nice restaurant for a company dinner. I was able to check my voicemail. Your father stayed; he had no choice. I came right home. Suspended again, Connor? Tell me where you are, right now!”

“I’ll... I’m coming home. I’ll be home soon,” he finally said. 

“No,” Cynthia said firmly. “Tell me where you are, and I’ll come and get you.”

Nope. Not happening. No way was he letting Cynthia come get him from Evan’s. She’d be happy he had a friend, but he also had a sinking feeling that she and Larry would ruin it, scare Evan off somehow. He couldn’t let that happen.

“I’m coming home, I promise.” He hung up on her. He sat on the couch for a long time, working up the courage to go back to Evan and Heidi. They looked up at him when he entered the kitchen. “I.. have to go home. Thanks for dinner. Bye, Evan. Have a good night, Ms. Han- I mean, Heidi.”

They watched him go. Evan flinched when the front door slammed shut. Heidi frowned at Evan. It wasn’t lost on her, the way Evan seemed to sink into himself without Connor beside him. She did her best to keep the conversation going, but Evan barely responded. He barely ate the rest of his food, and very quickly asked to be excused. The second she gave her permission, he was up and gone, his bedroom door slamming shut – a very clear signal that he didn’t want her bothering him for the rest of the night.


	6. Go Big or Go Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy. So, I've always wanted to explore a certain friendship. That's basically all this chapter is. Hope you enjoy :)

Connor inhaled on his joint, holding it in for a long time, before letting it out. He was almost home, and he wanted to be high as fuck when he got there. It was the only way he could deal with his mom. 

He thought back to dinner with Evan and Heidi. Anxiety aside, he’d had a... Well, he’d had a nice time, actually. Coming to that realization was incredibly weird, but he really liked Evan. He didn’t feel like Evan was judging him or pitying him. If anything, Evan seemed to _get it_. Even when he’d had his outburst... Instead of getting mad or scared, Evan had helped calm him down. Maybe he’d been a little scared, too, but he hadn’t cowered in fear or run away. He’d helped.

Connor stared at the ground, frowning in confusion. No one had ever tried to help him. Truly help him. Everyone always treated him like he was a child having a temper tantrum, or a drama queen who needed to calm down. If only it were so simple...

His thoughts lingered on Evan. Nervous, anxious, tree-loving Evan. Cute Evan. He blushed, remembering the way he’d called Evan ‘cute’ out loud. Why the fuck had he said that? Evan had been polite; when Connor corrected himself, he’d moved on without a word. But he probably thought Connor was a creeper now. He seemed too nice to say something like that, but Connor was positive he was thinking it.

“Fucking stupid,” Connor grumbled, smacking the side of his head in frustration. Leave it to him to fuck up the first potential friendship he’d had in a long time.

He finished the joint just as he reached his driveway. He sighed, staring up at his house. He wanted to run – to just turn around and take off. But he knew he’d have to face the firing squad eventually. At least his dad wasn’t home.. Maybe it would be easier. Maybe his mom would actually listen to him..

He braced himself, then entered the house. He didn’t slam the door, but he let it close loud enough that his mom would hear it and know he was home.

“Connor, living room, now.”

He flinched. Her voice was filled with barely-controlled anger. That was... rare. She usually coddled him, gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now he was _really_ glad he’d opted to get high for this. He was shaking just a little bit as he finally entered the living room to face her.

She stood when she saw him, walking closer. Her arms were crossed, and her eyes were filled with fury.

“Getting high on school grounds?” She demanded, “Why? Why would you do that?”

Oh. He’d gotten high in public. He’d been caught. She was probably more worried about their reputation than anything else. Fine. He shook his head, mentally detaching himself from the situation. It would be easier that way.

“Care to explain yourself?” Cynthia asked.

“Nope,” Connor shrugged.

“Connor, I demand an explanation! Why would you leave school during school hours? Why would you smoke on school property??”

“I’m a fuck up, that’s why,” Connor snapped. 

“Watch your tone,” Cynthia said firmly. “Explain yourself now, or we’ll be having this conversation again with your father.”

“No matter what I say, you guys have made up your minds that I did something wrong and that’s it. Nothing I say will change your mind, so the ‘why’ doesn’t matter, ” Connor shrugged. 

“It _does_ matter,” Cynthia insisted, softening her tone. She rubbed her forehead. Trying to be the ‘bad cop’ parent was Larry’s thing, not hers. She couldn’t do it anymore. “Connor, please,” she begged. “Just talk to me.”

“Funny thing is, I actually have a _really_ good reason for why I did what I did. I think you’d be proud-“ he paused, shaking his head. “Never mind, nothing I ever do will make you proud. It’ll never be good enough.” 

Cynthia’s eyes widened in shock, tears threatening to fall. “Connor.. Talk to me, please, sweetie." 

He felt so defeated in that moment, so exhausted, he just shook his head and walked away, letting the front door slam behind him, cutting off his mother as she begged him to come back. He didn’t stop until he’d reached the park. He sat under a tree, staring into space for a long time. Finally, he pulled his phone out and sent a text. 

**Connor: SOS. Park.**

A part of him regretted it the second he sent it. But when his phone chimed with a new message, he relaxed immediately, closing his eyes in relief. He pulled out another joint and lit up while he waited. 

__

~*~*~

He stood when he spotted a car pulling into the park twenty minutes later, shivering even though it wasn’t cold. When he opened the car door, a familiar grin greeted him. He got in, relaxing into the beat-up leather seat.

“Where to?” Miguel asked.

Connor glanced at him, blinking back the frustrated tears. “Wherever we can get high as fuck.” He already _was_ high as fuck, after two joints in an hour, but he left that part out. 

Miguel frowned, but nodded. They drove in silence. Connor had his eyes closed, his head back against the headrest. 

“Wanna talk about it, _principito_?”

“I’m not high enough to talk about it yet,” Connor grumbled.

“Fair enough.” Miguel pulled into his driveway, shutting the car off. “We’re here.” Connor followed him out of the car, into the house, and up to his room. Miguel closed the door and opened his window. Connor grabbed the stash from Miguel’s hiding place – it hadn’t changed – and sat on the floor by the window with him. 

They sat for several minutes in silence. After awhile, Miguel glanced at Connor.

“High enough to talk about it now?” he asked, taking another puff of his joint.

“Considering this is my third in ... a bundle of minutes... what’s that word...?” Connor frowned, bloodshot eyes blinking in confusion. He stared into space.

“Dude, your third?” Miguel asked, eyes wide. “You’re gonna be so fucked up later, _principito_. You know your limit is two.”

Connor scowled at him. “Okay, _mom_.”

Miguel shook his head, snatching the baggie off Connor’s lap and shoving it behind him. “That’s your last one,” he said firmly, pointing at the joint Connor was holding.

“But it’s almost gone,” Connor whined, putting it down in the ashtray and leaning towards Miguel to reach behind him for another.

“Nope,” Miguel said, putting a hand out to stop him. “No more. You’re gonna have the worst hangover later as it is.”

“Oh, come _on_ ,” Connor growled, taking a weird little leap forward and falling into Miguel. Miguel fell backwards onto his back. Connor crawled onto his lap, straddling him. He leaned down, nuzzling his nose against Miguel’s. “Please?”

Miguel shook his head. “You’re too high for this.” He pushed Connor back, so he was sitting up, but Connor stayed in his lap. 

“You’re no fun,” Connor pouted.

“And you’re in no form to consent to anything that you’d consider fun right now,” Miguel reminded him, patting Connor’s leg. “Come on, off.”

Connor sighed, but obeyed. Miguel sat up, hands behind him to prop himself up.

“Talk to me, _principito_. What’s got you so upset?”

Connor frowned, shaking his head. He stood, the room spinning a bit. He walked to Miguel’s bed and laid down, his back to Miguel. He buried his nose in Miguel’s pillows, inhaling the familiar spicy scent.

Miguel rolled his eyes. He went downstairs to grab some bottled water and aspirin, then made his way back to his room. He was gone maybe five minutes, but Connor was snoring.

“Pouty bitch,” he grumbled, placing the aspirin and one of the waters on his nightstand so Connor would see them when he rolled over. Then he sat back down by his window, stubbing out what was left of the joints. He sipped his water and kept an eye on the boy in his bed, vigilant in case he had any kind of weird trip from smoking so many joints.

~*~*~

A pillow to the face had Miguel startling awake, cursing very creatively. Connor was sitting up in bed, staring at him. His hair was all over the place, his eyes were red, and he was holding a hand to his head.

“Sleeping beauty you are not,” Miguel grumbled, rubbing his face. 

“Shut up,” Connor said, but his words lacked their usual bite. He swung his legs over the bed, groaning. He shook some aspirin into his hand, downed it with water, then scooted back onto Miguel’s bed so the wall was supporting him. Without it, he’d fall over. He brought his knees to his chest and rested his forehead on them. The bed shook as Miguel settled beside him.

“What time is it?” Connor asked, his voice muffled against his legs.

“Three in the morning,” Miguel replied, yawning. “How do you feel?”

“Fucking great,” Connor snapped.

Miguel harrumphed. “Your own fault.” He rubbed Connor’s arm. “Drink some more water and get some sleep. I’ll take the floor. My parents won’t be home until tomorrow night, so we’re good.”

But when Miguel tried to move, Connor grabbed his arm in a vice grip. He glanced at Connor, who was staring at him, lip trembling.

“Stay?”

Miguel nodded, changing positions so he could lie down. Connor did the same, curling close and burying his face in Miguel’s chest. Miguel wrapped an arm around him, letting Connor cry. Eventually, he fell asleep. Miguel followed soon after.

~*~*~

Sunlight streamed into the room. Connor blinked, slowly sitting up. He was alone in Miguel’s room, but he could smell coffee and bacon wafting up from downstairs. The smell made his stomach flip a little bit, but he had the post-high munchies, so he carefully stood, grabbing his water off the nightstand and shuffling downstairs.

“Morning, _principito_ ,” Miguel said, giving him a small smile. “There’s a cup in the fridge so you can have iced coffee, if you want. Otherwise the coffee pot is full.” He turned back to the stove, plating the scrambled eggs he’d made. He added a few pieces of bacon to each plate, then finished it off with some hash browns. He sat, putting one plate in front of Connor, who was sipping his iced coffee.

Connor wasn’t sure what was worse – how hung over he felt, or how embarrassed he was by his behavior from last night. Because, sadly, he remembered everything. He blushed, nibbling his eggs, eyes fixed on his plate.

“So,” Miguel said, once they’d both eaten at least half their food.

“So,” Connor mumbled, sipping his iced coffee. “I’m sorry about last night.”

“You remember,” Miguel stated, munching on his bacon. “You don’t need to apologize, though. It’s cool.”

“Not really, but okay.” Connor sighed, rubbing his temples. His head was pounding, though the coffee was helping. 

“So.. I don’t want to push and I won’t if you don’t want me to,” Miguel said carefully, putting his fork down. “But I feel like talking about whatever happened would be good for you. Instead of, you know, letting it all fester inside.”

Connor sighed, shoving his eggs around his plate. “Evan invited me over for dinner last night. His mom was there. It just.. threw me off, even though I’ve met her before, so I don’t know why it set me off. I had an... anger thing.. But he was really cool about it. And then I called him cute by accident.” He blushed bright red.

“Ah,” Miguel smirked.

Connor rolled his eyes. “I don’t even know if he likes guys. So don’t, okay? I corrected myself and we moved on. But then my mom called me because she heard about the suspension and the pot. So I went home, we fought, and I left. And then I called you. There, you’re all caught up.”

“So what’s _actually_ bothering you then? Cause none of that sounds super awful – or, not awful enough for you to smoke three joints and fuck yourself up.”

“I don’t know,” Connor huffed. “All of it?” I don’t fucking know.. It all just hit me weird, I guess.”

Miguel nodded. “I get it.” He didn’t really. Connor always kept him at a distance when it came to the things happening in his head, but he tried to get it. He really tried.

“I just.. I JUST fucking met Evan. Like, we’ve known each other a few days. How can I be so... Already?” Connor asked, frustrated. He wasn’t sure what word he was looking for.

“Cause you feel things more than most people,” Miguel replied, shrugging. “You feel everything and you go big or go home when you feel.”

“You know, if I wanted to be psycho-analyzed, I could go to therapy for that,” Connor grumbled, glaring at him.

Miguel shrugged. “Except I don’t charge by the hour.”

Connor snickered. “True. My parents wouldn’t spend money to send me to therapy if their lives depended on it.”

Miguel frowned. “Tell me more about Evan.” He was mildly curious about this boy who seemed to have so easily captured Connor’s heart, but he also wanted to distract Connor and steer the subject away from his parents; talking about them would only anger him again.

“He’s...” Connor frowned, looking thoughtful. “He’s nice. He doesn’t judge me at all. Like, he didn’t care when I smoked. He didn’t run when I started throwing shit. He actually seems to LIKE hanging out with me, unless he’s good at faking it. He gets it, I guess. He seems like a bit of a loner, too, and he has pretty bad anxiety. He just.. gets it. And it feels nice to have someone get it, without having to try to explain what I’m thinking or feeling. It’s comfortable.” He paused, glancing at Miguel. “Sorry.”

Miguel shrugged. “It’s cool, I’m over you, _principito_.” At the look on Connor’s face, he added, “You know I’m kidding. Don’t let your brain go there, dude.”

Connor sighed. “I know.. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Seriously. So, what are you gonna do about Evan?”

“What do you mean?” Connor asked sharply.

“You clearly like him,” Miguel replied, like it should be obvious.

“But I don’t think he likes me. Maybe as a friend..” Connor sighed.

Miguel made a face at him. “So ask? Just walk up to him and be like, ‘Hey dude, you like guys?’ and if he says yes, sweep him off his feet.”

“Oh, sure, totally,” Connor nodded, rolling his eyes. He winced, pain spiking through his head. “Exactly what I’ll do.”

Miguel snickered. Connor shot him a death glare. They fell into a comfortable silence as they finished their food.

“Do you mind if I crash here for awhile? I’m not ready to...” Connor trailed off.

Miguel nodded. “Of course. Go shower or nap or both. I’ll give you your space, but I’m here, _principito_. You know that, right?”

Connor stood, nodding at him. “Yeah. Um.. Thanks. For everything.” He turned and trailed back upstairs.

Miguel stared after him, frowning in worry.


	7. Black Heart Emoji

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you so much to everyone who has left kudos and comments - I'm so glad you've been enjoying this fic! I've already started writing the next chapter, so hopefully it'll go live tomorrow night or the next night - and I promise it'll focus more on Evan and Connor :)

Evan didn’t hear from Connor for the rest of the weekend. They’d spoken almost every day since they’d met in the park, so going just a few days without talking to him was weird. After two whole days back at school, Evan broke down and texted him.

**Evan: So weird not seeing you at school. Hope you’re doing okay.**

No answer. Evan sighed. It was his fault Connor had been suspended. Maybe he didn’t want to speak to Evan right now because of it. Or maybe he’d never speak to him ever again. A strange feeling settled in his stomach, but he wasn’t sure what, exactly, it was.

On the last night of Connor’s suspension, Evan was curled up on his bed, reading a comic book, when he heard a noise outside his window. He frowned, listening, but the noise had stopped. He shrugged and went back to reading. 

He heard it again.

This time, when he looked up, his eyes widened. Connor’s face was staring at him through his window.

His second story window.

Evan jumped out of bed, nearly tripping on his pajama pants in his hurry to open the window. He grabbed Connor’s arm to help him crawl through. Connor’s foot caught the windowsill, and the sudden resistance made Evan lose his balance. He fell backward, Connor landing on top of him.

“Hi,” Connor grinned at him.

Evan blushed furiously. “H-hi?”

Connor stared down at him. Evan shifted uncomfortably. Connor’s eyes went wide, and he quickly got off Evan, holding a hand out to help him stand. 

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your message,” Connor said quickly. “My parents confiscated my phone again. I just stole it back a few hours ago.”

“Oh,” Evan nodded, trying to hide his relief; Connor hadn’t been mad at him, he just hadn’t been able to reply. “Um.. Do I even want to know, like, how you managed to climb up the side of my house and through my window? You could have just, you know, used the front door.”

“It’s late, isn’t it?”

Evan nodded, glancing at the clock. “It’s almost 11:30pm.”

Connor shrugged. “I didn’t know if your mom was home. Wasn’t sure if she’d let me in this late.” He glanced down at his feet. “I had another fight with my parents, so I just...”

“I’m sorry.” Evan chewed his lip. “They weren’t... Did I get you in trouble? I’m so sorry, I really-”

“Ev, chill, it’s fine.”

Evan blinked. Ev? Where had that come from?

“You didn’t get me in trouble,” Connor assured him. “I got myself in trouble when I smoked pot at school. I don’t know what I was thinking. Oh, wait, I wasn’t. Not according to my parents.” He snickered, turning in a circle and collapsing on Evan’s bed, staring up at the glow-in-the-dark stars Evan had stuck up there when he was a kid.

Evan shuffled over, sitting on the edge of his bed. “You’re high, aren’t you?”

“How can you tell?” Connor asked dryly.

Evan sighed. “Well, my mom is working an overnight. You can stay, and we can walk to school together tomorrow.”

“People would see us together,” Connor reminded him.

Evan frowned. “I mean.. I don’t care. Unless- unless you care. If you don’t want to, I mean.. I know I’m a loser, so, you totally don’t have to-“

“Hey,” Connor said, sitting up, frowning at him. Evan glanced at him, looking like a kicked puppy. “You’re not a loser. I just figured you wouldn’t want to be seen with ME. I’m the resident school shooter, after all, right?”

“No,” Evan said firmly, shaking his head. “No, you’re my friend.”

Connor stared at him for a long time. Evan fidgeted under his stare. 

“What?” Evan finally asked, when he couldn’t take the silence any longer.

“Nothing,” Connor said softly. At the look Evan gave him, he added, “I just... You said we’re friends.”

Evan blinked. “Oh.. I mean.. If you want to- you know, if you want to be...?”

Connor stared at him, trying to process what Evan was saying. No one had wanted to be his friend in a really long time. Miguel, sure, but no one else. It was... weird.

“Or not,” Evan said quickly, blinking back tears, staring down at his blankets and picking at a lose thread. “We totally don’t have to be if you don’t want to be, I get it-“

“I do,” Connor said quickly. “Yeah.. That’s.. That’s cool..”

Evan nodded, smiling. “Cool.” He grabbed the sleeping bag from his closet and set it down for Connor. ”Sorry, I’m not good at blowing up the air mattress without my mom’s help.” He disappeared into the hall and came back a few minutes later with pillows and extra blankets.

Connor shrugged. “I’ve slept on park benches and on the ground under the trees. I’m sure I can manage a sleeping bag.”

Evan settled into his bed, and Connor settled into the sleeping bag.

“Well.. goodnight.” Evan said after a few minutes, turning his light off.

“G’night,” Connor murmured, but he couldn’t sleep. He stared at the ceiling, his mind going in a million different directions. It was going to be a long night...

~*~*~

The next month seemed to fly by. Evan and Connor fell into a routine at school. They ate lunch together every day, and Connor walked home with Evan every afternoon. Most days, Connor stayed and they watched movies and talked until Heidi came home. Heidi had grown so used to Connor coming over that on the nights she got out of work in time for dinner, she brought home enough take-out for all three of them. And the nights she was able to cook, she made enough for three people.

Connor often spent the night, too. The Hansen house was so peaceful compared to his, without his parents yelling at him every five minutes for one thing or another. He’d even started relaxing around Heidi – the only adult in his life who didn’t seem to think he was a perpetual fuck up.

Connor had slowly eased up on skipping classes. School was a lot more tolerable with a friend to help get him through the day, but it still bored him – the classes didn’t challenge him and his classmates still stared at him like he was a freak. 

Evan was glad Connor didn’t skip class as often as he used to, because the days without him were nearly impossible to get through. He felt so alone, walking the halls without Connor by his side, eating in the cafeteria alone. It felt like he was right back where he started before he and Connor became friends, even if it was only temporary.

“Hey, asshole.”

Evan looked up, startled, as Jared approached him.

“Long time, no speak,” Jared said. “Too busy holding hands with Murphy to remember I exist, huh?”

“I don’t- We don’t-“ Evan argued, flustered. “Shut up.”

Jared cackled. “I don’t see emo boy around today, guess he got suspended again?”

Evan shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess.” It was a lie; Connor had texted him that morning to say he wouldn’t be at school, and that his parents were forcing him to have a family dinner that night. 

“Well, my parents won’t be home tonight. If you want, I guess I could be generous and invite you over for video games and a liquor cabinet raid. If you’re not too busy jerking off to Murphy’s picture, that is.”

“What are you- Of course I’m not-” Evan sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Sure, yeah, video games sound good,” he finally said, sighing in defeat.

They walked home together, Jared doing most of the talking – a lot of smack talk, about how he was going to kick Evan’s ass at the new video game he’d bought because he’d already clocked several hours playing it, and he had almost perfected his technique.

When they got to Jared’s, Evan sat on the couch while Jared grabbed them drinks. Evan had learned long ago not to ask what was in them; they were usually a mix of two or three different things, and they always tasted gross. He didn’t think he’d ever like the taste of alcohol. He wasn’t even sure why he still drank it.

Jared handed him a glass. He laid out the rules of the drinking game that would go along with tonight’s video game, and then they got to it.

Evan wasn’t exactly a lightweight when it came to alcohol; he’d had champagne at family events, Manischewitz at Bar Mitzvahs, and whatever Jared threw together for them whenever they raided his parents’ liquor cabinet. But tonight, for whatever reason, the alcohol was hitting him harder than usual. He made a face after he’d gotten part way through his second drink of the night. “Is it just me or is this stronger than usual?” He wasn’t drunk, but he was definitely feeling tipsy.

Jared shrugged, looking flushed from the couple of drinks he’d had. “I dunno, I just grabbed whatever we had and mixed a few different things.” He stood, stretched, and staggered to the kitchen. When he came back, he had two bottled waters and a couple bags of chips and popcorn. He tossed it all down on the coffee table.

“Thanks,” Evan said, sipping the water gratefully. Once in awhile, Jared was a good friend. He didn’t like showing his softer side, but Evan knew it was there. He grabbed a handful of popcorn and ate it, hoping to absorb some of the alcohol before he got sick. He’d only gotten sick a few times from drinking with Jared, but it wasn’t something he wanted to deal with tonight.

“You can sleep over, if you want,” Jared informed him. “You know, if you don’t want Heidi to see you like that. So long as it won’t make emo boy jealous.”

Evan rolled his eyes. He took his phone out and texted his mom to let her know he was spending the night at Jared’s. There were more spelling mistakes than usual. He wanted to blame autocorrect, but he was sure the alcohol wasn’t helping.

As he was pocketing his phone, a text popped through from Connor. He stared at it, bleary eyed. It was a picture of Connor with his hair braided. He was sticking his tongue out at the camera.

**Connor: Got stuck Playing Nice for one of dad’s lawyer friends. He brought his wife and kids to dinner at our house. Guess who somehow got stuck entertaining the kids?**

Evan blushed. Connor looked really cute with his hair braided and his tongue out. He tried to send a laugh/cry emoji in response, but his tipsy fingers slipped and he sent a heart-eye emoji instead. His eyes widened. He shook his head, frantically sending a second message as fast as he could type.

**Evan: sry funger sdlipped mesnt *insert laugh/cry emoji***

**Connor: Huh? You okay?**

Evan blushed harder. He tried again, typing slower.

**Evan: Sry. Tispy. Ment *insert laugh/cry emoji* not *insert heart-eye emoji***

**Connor: You’re drunk? I’d pay to see that haha**

**Evan: Tipsy nott drnk**

“What the fuck are you blushing at?”

Evan jumped, fumbling his phone and dropping it in his lap. He grabbed it and tucked it into his pocket. “Nothing. What? I mean.. Nothing.”

“Are you drunk texting Murphy?” Jared cackled. “Oh, dude, let me see.” He held his hand out, making grabby fingers at Evan.

Evan blushed harder. “N-no... I’m.. No. What? No. Why would I be-“

“Oh my god,” he cackled. “You _are_. You’ve got it _bad_.” Evan went bright red. “I’m right, aren’t I? You caught feelings for emo boy. Nothing to be ashamed about, my dude. It happens. Although I do kind of question your taste in men.”

“I-I’m not.. I don’t like, I mean-” Evan pressed his lips together, staring at his lap. The more he tried to deny it, the more he fumbled over his words. He sighed, dropping his head into his hands.

“Evan,” Jared said firmly. Evan glanced up at him. Jared looked very serious now. And very sober. “I’ve known you since we were eight. I know the look you get when you like someone.”

“I do... I do like him,” he finally admitted. His voice was trembling and he hated it. “I don’t know what to do.” He dropped his head into his hands again.

“Tell him.”

Jared sounded so nonchalant about the whole thing. Evan glanced up, a horrified look on his face. “I can’t just.. I can’t just come out and-“

“Dude, you’ve been out a long time,” Jared said sarcastically. “Well, to me, at least. But still.”

“Not funny,” Evan scolded him. “He’s my friend. I can’t just, like, admit I have a crush on him. I don’t even know if he likes guys. We haven’t exactly talked about that kind of thing.”

“Uh, he definitely does.”

“How do you know?” Evan asked, eyes wide with hope.

“Gaydar,” Jared shrugged. “There’s no way he’s straight. Just look at him.”

Evan rolled his eyes. “That’s what you said about that waiter last summer, remember? And you were very, very wrong.”

“Hey, I’m right more times than I’m wrong,” Jared defended himself. “But fine, whatever, don’t tell him. Just pine from afar, see what I care.” He grabbed their glasses and went to refill them.

Evan sighed, checking his phone again. Connor had sent him several messages.

**Connor: You seem more than tipsy**

**Connor: Are you somewhere safe?**

**Connor: Do you need me to come get you?**

**Connor: You don’t seem like the type to go to parties, so I’m guessing you’re safe but...**

**Connor: Evan?**

**Connor: if you don’t respond in the next ten minutes, I’m calling your mom**

Evan glanced at the time stamp. Eight minutes had gone by. He quickly typed out a message, keeping it short.

**Evan: Safe. Dn’t need too call mom. Sry.**

**Connor: Cutting it close. Was seriously ready to call her. Gotta go back to dinner. Stay safe.**

Evan blinked hard, making sure he wasn’t imagining the black heart emoji Connor had added at the end of his last message. He wasn’t imagining it - it was there.


	8. Drown Your Sorrows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii. I had.. a lot of fun writing this chapter *evil grin.* So I hope you enjoy! I've actually written a chapter or two ahead this time, so yay! :)

When Evan woke up on Jared’s couch the next morning, it hit him immediately that he may have had more to drink than he’d first realized. His head was pounding and his mouth tasted like shit. He sat up and the whole room spun.

“Fuck,” he grumbled, putting his hand on the arm of the couch to steady himself.

“Yes, you can fuck Murphy, but only if you tell him you like him first because it’s all about consent.”

Evan jumped, turning to stare at Jared as he walked back in from the kitchen. He handed Evan a bottle of water, then sat on the couch, crushing Evan’s feet. Evan kicked his foot up and Jared jumped up long enough for Evan to pull his feet out of the way. Jared cackled as he sat back down.

“You’re so not funny,” Evan grumbled, rubbing his temples. He sipped his water, his stomach rebelling a little bit.

“Actually, I’m hilarious,” Jared shrugged. “And also right. You know I’m right.”

“See, but, no,” Evan argued. “Because if you’re wrong and he doesn’t like guys, I run the risk of him being creeped out and me ruining our friendship. We’ve only been friends for, like, a little over a month and a half. I’m not messing that up.”

Jared sighed, shaking his head. “Well, you’ll never know if you don’t ask. So.” He shrugged, chugging half his water in one go.

“I can’t,” Evan mumbled, pulling at a lose thread on the blanket. “Please just drop it, okay?”

Jared shrugged. “Consider it dropped. Time to get ready for school, anyway.”

“I think I’m skipping,” Evan groaned. “My head is pounding. I’ll just tell my mom I had a panic attack or a psychotic break, whatever works.”

Jared’s cackle followed Evan all the way to the front door, cutting off only once the door had slammed behind him. The slam hurt his head, but it felt damn good to do it.

~*~*~

The last thing Connor wanted to do was approach Jared Kleinman. But he hadn’t seen Evan all day, and he wasn’t answering his phone. Connor was starting to get really worried. So, he braced himself before walking over.

“Emo boy! To what do I owe this honor?”

Connor gritted his teeth. “Have you seen Evan?”

“Yes.”

Connor waited, but Jared didn’t elaborate. “Today?”

“Yes.”

“Kleinman,” Connor warned. 

Jared cackled. “He’s home nursing a hangover.”

Connor quirked a brow. “A hangover? He drank that much?” He narrowed his eyes. “Was he drinking with you..?”

“Yep,” Jared shrugged. An evil smile crossed his face. “You know, he only drinks that much when he’s upset about something. He likes to drown his sorrows, you know. Doesn’t usually get _that_ drunk, though, so he must be Really Worried about something.”

Connor frowned. “Upset? Do you know what about?”

Jared shrugged, giving him this weirdly suggestive look, before walking away.

“Dick,” Connor grumbled. He glanced around, making sure no teachers were in sight, then quickly exited the building. 

It took ten minutes of knocking before Evan finally came to the door. He was in pajamas, his hair rumpled and his face pale. But his eyes widened when he saw Connor.

“Oh, h-hi..” He moved aside so Connor could come in. Standing took too much effort, though, so he made his way to the living room, collapsing onto the couch. 

Connor followed and sat beside him. “Jared said you were hungover.”

“You spoke to Jared?” Evan asked, panic hitting him hard and fast. What had Jared said? Evan had already thrown up once today; now he felt ready to throw up again.

Connor nodded. “He said you only drank that much when you were upset. Everything okay?”

Evan stared at his lap. “Um, yeah.. fine. Jared’s a li- um, he was exaggerating. I just underestimated how much crap he put into the drinks he mixed, that’s all.”

“Oh,” Connor nodded. “Yeah, I think a good rule of thumb is to never allow Jared Kleinman to mix your drinks.”

Evan chuckled, then let out a small “ow” and rubbed his forehead.

“You need to drink more water, take some aspirin, and sleep that off,” Connor said firmly. 

“I know,” Evan grumbled. “Already took aspirin, forced myself to eat some toast, and drank some water.”

“Oh- Okay, well.. go lay down, then,” Connor insisted. 

“But.. the stairs are so far away,” Evan whined.

Connor snickered. “Okay.. so sleep here. I’ll move,” he said, standing.

Evan grabbed his arm. Connor glanced at him, quirking a brow. Evan blushed and let go, staring down at the floor and mumbling a “sorry.”

“Or... I won’t go?” Connor asked, sitting again. Evan didn’t respond. “You can... you can use me as a pillow?”

Evan’s eyes widened. He could _what_? He glanced at Connor. He wasn’t teasing him or being mean. He meant it. What exactly was he supposed to do though..? Put his head on Connor’s lap? The thought made him go bright red. He could rest his feet there instead, put his head on the armrest. But what if his feet were smelly?

Connor could see his hesitation. He glanced around, grabbing a pillow from the armchair and handing it to Evan. “Or I could sit on the floor right next to the couch, and you could use the actual pillow as a pillow. Whatever’s comfortable.”

Evan bit his lip and put the pillow on Connor’s lap. He shifted positions, sprawling out and putting his head on the pillow. He curled his legs up, his whole body tense.

 _Don’t be weird_ , he mentally scolded himself. _Friends can cuddle. You don’t feel well. He’s being nice. He doesn’t know you like him. It’s just platonic. Don’t make this weird._

Slowly, he let his body relax, breathing in Connor’s scent. And after awhile, his eyes drifted closed

Connor listened as Evan’s breathing evened out and he started letting out little snores. He smiled softly down at his- his friend. Just his friend. Right? Connor shook his head. Without thinking, he rested his hand on Evan’s hip. He blinked. That... was definitely probably not okay. He quickly put it on Evan’s arm. Was that okay? He wasn’t sure... He crossed his arms, tucking his hands under his armpits to keep them to himself.

Maybe this hadn’t been a good idea... But damn if it wasn’t nice having Evan fall asleep on him...

~*~*~

When Evan woke up two hours later, His head felt a hell of a lot better. He sighed, grateful that he didn’t feel like he was going to throw up again. He also felt really, really comfortable. He didn’t want to move.

And then he remembered.

He was sleeping on Connor. His head was in Connor’s lap.

He sat up quickly. Connor glanced at him. “Feel better?”

Evan nodded. This time, the movement didn’t make him feel like someone was smacking him across the side of the head.

“I’m starving, want pizza? Or, I guess I should ask if your stomach can handle food first, huh?” 

Evan squinted. Was Connor blushing..? Nah, couldn’t be. Must just be hot from having a pillow, Evan, and a blanket over him, on top of still wearing his hoodie.

“Pizza sounds good. Plain, though?”

Connor nodded, pulling his phone out and placing the order. 

Evan couldn’t meet Connor’s eyes as the other boy stood and disappeared into the kitchen. And he still couldn’t look at Connor when he came back and handed him a bottle of water. 

“Thanks,” he said, grateful. He drank half before taking a break.

Connor shrugged. “I don’t really like alcohol, but I’ve had a weed hangover. Recently, too, actually..” He blushed. This time, Evan was positive it was a blush. “It sucks, so I get it.”

Evan nodded. “Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “I’m gonna.. Since we’re waiting for the... I’ll.. Um, be right back.”

Connor stared after him as he made his way upstairs. Maybe Jared was right and Evan was upset about something. He was jumpier than usual.. 

The pizza arrived a half hour later, and Evan still hadn’t come back downstairs. Connor frowned. He stood and stretched; it felt good after sitting for so long in the same position. He made his way upstairs, coming to the top of the staircase just as Evan emerged from the bathroom.

Naked.

Completely naked.

Evan froze. Connor gripped the railing, eyes wide. He knew he should look away. He was being a creeper, just standing there, staring. But...

All Evan had to do was take a few steps back into the bathroom and grab a towel. But his feet were frozen to the ground. Connor was blushing furiously; Evan was sure he was, too.

“I...um... Pizza’s here,” Connor said, before turning and quickly heading back downstairs.

Connor was sitting on the couch, staring at a slice of pizza on his plate (but not eating it), when Evan came back downstairs fifteen minutes later – fully dressed. Evan hesitated before sitting as far from Connor as he could get, still bright red. He carefully reached for a slice of pizza, nibbling at it. He wasn’t really hungry, but he needed to do _something_.

Connor Murphy had seen him naked. The guy he had a crush on had seen him naked. 

Evan didn’t exactly hate his body, but it was just so... so pale and gangly and hairy, and he was always too sweaty, and his stomach jiggled and.. And Connor had seen all of that. Like, ALL of it. Everything. 

“I’m, um.. Sorry,” Connor mumbled, still refusing to look at Evan. “For before.”

Evan was blushing so hard, his entire face felt hot. “It’s fine. Just.. I’m usually alone? So, um, I just... don’t really think about... I mean, I just shower and then, you know, dry off in the bathroom and then walk to my room, so... Yeah... It’s cool. I mean, the last time someone saw me naked, it was my seventh grade gym class because someone thought it, um, they thought it would be funny to pants me? So..” Evan knew he was rambling, but he couldn’t stop. “So at least you weren’t, like, trying to make fun of me. It was... it’s fine.”

Connor finally looked at him, frowning. “People suck, I’m... That sucks..”

Evan shrugged, picking at the cheese on his pizza. When he looked up, Connor had moved closer. Evan’s breath caught in his chest. 

“I would never make fun of you for something embarrassing like that,” Connor said, his voice shaking a little bit. “Not in a mean way, I mean.”

Evan gulped, nodding. “I.. Yeah, that’s... Um, that’s.. Thanks?”

Connor shrugged. “I’ve had a lot of embarrassing shit happen to me, so.. I get how it feels. I wouldn’t ever intentionally embarrass a friend.”

Evan blinked up at him. It was still weird to have a friend. Still weird that Connor Murphy was his friend. But he was so, so grateful. “Tell me about it.”

“I... What?” Connor asked, eyes widening. “Tell you what?”

“Tell me something embarrassing that happened to you,” Evan clarified, trying to fight off an evil grin. “I mean.. It would make me feel better if, you know, you were embarrassed, too.”

Connor’s mouth dropped open. “What? Seriously?”

Evan nodded. “Seriously.”

“You’re mean,” Connor huffed, picking at his nail polish. “Um... Well.” He looked thoughtful for a minute. “Okay, so.. When I was in first grade, I had anxiety over using the classroom bathrooms. Because they didn’t have locks, and a lot of kids would walk in on each other. Because kids are fucking dumb and don’t know how to knock, apparently. Or they just didn’t care. So... So.. This one time, I really had to pee, so I, um, I decided to sing, so people would know someone was in there..” He went bright red. “When I came out of the bathroom, everyone stared at me and then laughed. I guess it wasn’t as embarrassing as someone walking in on me while I was in there, but..”

Evan tried hard not to grin at him. Connor hadn’t laughed at him, so he couldn’t laugh at Connor. But the mental image of a tiny, six-year-old Connor singing in the bathroom was just.. adorable.

“Do you still sing?” Evan asked, relaxing back against the couch, his embarrassment subsiding.

“Oh.. Not very well, not as good as Zoe.” Connor admitted.

“Zoe sings?” Evan asked. “I mean, I know she’s in jazz band, so I guess that shouldn’t surprise me, but..”

Connor nodded. “She sings really well, actually. She used to let me sit in her room while she wrote new songs, and I’d give her feedback on the lyrics, since I’m better at writing than her.”

“You write?” The surprises kept coming. The more Evan learned about Connor, the more he fell for him. Which was still a weird thing to admit to himself.

Connor nodded again. “Yeah, I like to read and write. Zoe’s the musical one. So, she would have me help her with lyrics and stuff. But... Once my bullshit started,” he waved a hand in the general direction of his head, “she and I grew apart and she stopped letting me hang out in her room.”

Evan frowned, reaching out to rest a hand on Connor’s leg. Connor jumped, staring down at Evan’s hand, then up at Evan. Evan flushed, quickly pulling his hand back. “I think you and Zoe can, you know, make up and get back to... I mean, I think you guys could be close again.”

Connor chuckled. “Yeah, you think?” His voice dripped with doubt. “Cause I don’t think that’ll happen.”

“It could,” Evan insisted. “If- If you tried. If you reached out. Somehow.”

“Maybe..” Connor shrugged, but with less doubt in his voice this time. “Anyway, can we change the subject, please? Now that we’re both thoroughly embarrassed? Can we just, like, eat pizza and watch a movie or something? I need to not think for a little while.”

Evan nodded. “Yeah, sure.” He handed Connor the remote, and they settled into a comfortable silence.


	9. Always Gonna Be Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy. Sorry for the slightly longer than usual delay between posting. I wrote chapters 9 and 10 and LOVED them, but then realized that the things in those chapters were happening Too Soon, so I had to table them and write a NEW chapter 9. So here we are. Enjoy!
> 
> PS: any spelling/grammar mistakes in text messages are intentional.

Connor took a giant hit off the joint in his hand as he walked home that night. He couldn’t get the mental image of Evan naked out of his head. He blushed, feeling like a creep. At least Evan didn’t know he was crushing on him; that would have made it _so_ awkward...

He’d desperately wanted to stay the night at Evan’s. He knew his mom was going to confront him about skipping class, especially since he hadn’t skipped in awhile. But he couldn’t stay at Evan’s _all_ the time and get away with it. So far, he’d been pretty lucky with sneaking in and out, not counting the day Zoe had tattled on him. But he wouldn’t always be that lucky.

The frustrating part was, he’d skipped class to go help a friend. If Connor was closer to his parents and could actually talk to them, he was positive they’d understand that and be proud of him for having a friend, and for helping him in his time of need. He kicked a rock in frustration, scowling at the stupidity of his situation.

At least his dad was on a business trip, so he wouldn’t have to face him for a few more days. Maybe that would make it a little easier. Maybe. He’d thought that the last time, and it hadn’t been.

His thoughts drifted to Zoe. Maybe Evan was right. Maybe he could try to fix things with his sister. It wouldn’t be easy, he knew. He’d treated her like shit. But maybe he could try. Maybe, deep down, she still loved him, despite how badly he’d fucked up.

He snorted, taking another hit off his joint. Who was he kidding? She’d never forgive him. But maybe it wouldn’t kill him to try to be nicer. He always tried, honestly; he just always failed.

He was almost home when his phone buzzed with a text message.

**Miguel: Haven’t heard from you in awhile. Wanted to make sure you were okay. I’m here if you need me, _principito_.**

Connor flinched, shoving the phone in his pocket. He’d basically been ghosting Miguel for the last month, and he felt awful about it. He’d been the one to reach out – _twice_ \- when he’d needed help, and then he’d just stopped talking to him. But his feelings for Miguel were complicated, and he wasn’t sure he could handle seeing him again just yet. 

Connor stopped when he reached his front door, flicking his joint out and trying to compose himself. His head was filled with too many thoughts, an endless stream of Evan, Zoe, Miguel, his parents. He fisted his hands in his hair, sighing, before shoving the door open and letting it slam shut behind him.

“Connor?” His mom appeared before him, concern in her voice. She wasn’t yelling at him this time; it hadn’t helped the last time, clearly. She slowly approached him. “Connor, the school called..”

Connor wasn’t sure what came over him. Maybe it was being high. Maybe it was all the thoughts swirling through his head, the voices that wouldn’t shut up. Maybe it was just the concern in her voice, the way her voice was shaking, like she was ready to cry. 

Maybe it was everything. 

But he suddenly found himself moving forward and throwing himself into her arms, burying his face in her hair. He didn’t want to cry, but he couldn’t help it. He wasn’t having a complete breakdown, just crying quietly into her shoulder.

Cynthia blinked, frozen for a second. She couldn’t remember the last time Connor had hugged her; he barely ever let her touch him. She wrapped her arms around him, hugging him back as tightly as she could. She choked a little on the smell of weed wafting off him, but she didn’t say anything. She could tell Connor was crying, so she tentatively rubbed circles into his back, and he seemed to melt into her embrace.

Connor refused to let go for a good ten minutes. When he finally did, he turned and, without saying a word, went upstairs, leaving his mother staring after him in shock. Zoe came up beside her.

“What was _that_?” she asked, frowning.

Cynthia shook her head. “I... I don’t know.”

“You didn’t yell at him for skipping class, or for smoking. I could smell the weed all the way across the room.” Zoe crossed her arms, staring at her mother.

Cynthia glanced at her, shaking her head. “I... I know. I just...” She shrugged helplessly.

Zoe wanted to roll her eyes, wanted to scold her mother for being too easy on Connor. She almost made a joke about Connor being high – that he’d only done what he’d done because he was stoned out of his mind. But Cynthia looked so.. confused, so hopeful... Zoe couldn’t break her heart by saying something so mean.

“Maybe.. Maybe he’s coming back to us...?” was all she could manage instead. 

More tears glistened in Cynthia’s eyes. “Oh, Zoe..” Zoe leaned forward and hugged her mom.

~*~*~

“You’re quiet,” Heidi remarked at dinner that night.

Evan jumped, staring at her with wide eyes. “What?”

“Do you feel okay?” she questioned.

Evan gulped, nodding. “Yeah, um.. I’m fine..”

“You’ve barely touched your dinner,” Heidi pointed out. “It’s one of your favorites. Are you sure you’re okay? Is this because of your panic attack this morning?”

Evan latched onto the excuse, nodding. “It, um... it made me throw up this morning, so I’m not really- I just don’t have much of an appetite.” He stared down at his plate, pushing his food around, to avoid the pitying look Heidi was giving him.

“I was a little surprised Connor wasn’t here when I got home. I’ve gotten so used to him being here,” she remarked off-handedly, casually forking more food into her mouth. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye; he was blushing so hard, even his ears were red.

“Oh.. He just, um.. Since I had that.. Uh.. Well, you know, panic attacks are-“ He cleared his throat. “Just wasn’t up to company.”

“Mhm,” was all Heidi said.

Evan kept his gaze on his plate. Connor had reluctantly decided to go home for dinner tonight, and Evan hadn’t fought him on it. He knew Connor was dreading going home because he’d get lectured again about skipping class, but the truth was, Evan needed some space from him. His growing feelings for Connor were confusing the hell out of him, especially after the incident earlier. He’d played it off and assured Connor it was No Big Deal. 

But... Connor had seen him naked. His friend. His crush. Had seen him naked.

“Evan? Hey, Evan, snap out of it.”

Evan jumped, eyes wide. Heidi was snapping her fingers in his face.

“Are you okay? You were just staring into space...” Heidi frowned.

“Oh, uh.. Yeah, sorry. Tired, I guess. You know those, uh.. The panic attacks make me really, um, really tired. I-I think I’m gonna go lay down..”

“Okay... I’m gonna get you an appointment with Dr. Sherman for this week, okay?”

Evan paused, frowning. “But I already have an appointment for next week.”

Heidi nodded. “Yeah, I know. But I think you could benefit from one this week, too.”

Evan’s shoulders slumped. Great. Stupid fake panic attack. Stupid extra session with Dr. Sherman. Maybe he _should_ just tell his mom the truth – tell her about drinking with Jared, and Connor seeing him naked, and him crushing on Connor and – 

No. 

No, he couldn’t do it. He’d suffer through the extra session if he had to. It was easier than telling the truth.

~*~*~

Dinner in the Murphy household was awkward. Connor had come down from his high, and he was trying to stay sober for it, but Zoe kept giving him looks, and Cynthia kept trying to engage them both in conversation, and all Connor could do was stare at his phone, hidden under the table.

Evan hadn’t answered his last few messages.

“Connor?”

Why hadn’t Evan answered him? Was he mad about something? 

“Connor?”

Was he upset that Connor had seen him naked? It had been an accident...

“Connor?”

What if Evan never spoke to him again? What if he was too upset or angry or-

“Connor?”

Connor snapped his head up, glaring at his mother. “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?” he snapped.

Cynthia’s eyes widened in shock. Connor was breathing hard, his heart pounding in his chest. Dammit, why was he yelling at his mother? She hadn’t done anything.. And Zoe was shoving her chair away from him, fear in her eyes. 

He’d gone from hugging his mother earlier, to screaming at her now. What the fuck was wrong with him? He growled in frustration, grabbed his glass off the table and threw it across the room. It shattered against the fridge. He stood so quickly, his chair fell over. When he turned to walk away, his feet got tangled in it and he fell, slamming down painfully on his hands and knees.

“FUCK,” he snapped, scrambling up and kicking the chair across the kitchen. It crashed into the cabinets. He could see Cynthia and Zoe flinching away from him and his temper tantrum. He scowled and stomped out, letting the front door slam behind him.

Cynthia and Zoe stared after him, eyes wide with shock.

~*~*~

**Connor: u home aone?**

He stared at his phone, breathing hard, trying to control the anger coursing through his veins – anger at himself for his outburst. When the “yes” came, he immediately started walking. When he arrived, he found the hide-a-key in the same spot it had always been and let himself in. He climbed the stairs, his body feeling heavy from exhaustion. He was always exhausted after an outburst like that. 

He stopped in the bedroom doorway, eyes locking on Miguel, who was already seated by the window, a joint ready in his hands. He collapsed on the floor beside him, hand out for the joint, and took a deep pull. He handed it back, then laid down and put his head in Miguel’s lap. 

Miguel frowned down at Connor, but he knew better than to ask questions. Instead, he stroked Connor’s hair, letting his fingernails scratch his scalp gently. Connor purred, closing his eyes.

~*~*~

Connor woke up an hour later, bleary eyed. His head was till in Miguel’s lap. He didn’t have the energy to sit up, though.

“Hey, _principito_. Feeling better?”

Connor shrugged. He sighed in contentment when Miguel started running his fingers through Connor’s hair again. 

“I’m starting to feel used,” Miguel said. “You come when you need me, then leave me again.”

Connor’s eyes flew up. He frowned, finally sitting up. “Sorry... I won’t bother you again.” But when he went to stand, Miguel grabbed his hand and tugged him back down. Connor stared at him for a minute, then lost his nerve and stared down at his lap instead. He picked at a loose thread on his hoodie sleeve.

“I was joking, _principito_ ,” Miguel said firmly. “Sorry, I should be more careful with my jokes when you’re in this state.” He frowned. “Connor, look at me.”

Connor hesitated, but did as he was told.

“I don’t give a shit about the way we ended things. If you need me, you know I’m here. I know we’re not getting back together – you like Evan, first of all. And we wouldn’t have worked out anyway; you know we wouldn’t have. But.. I’m still your friend and I still care about you. I don’t care if we go two weeks or two years without talking. I’m always gonna be here.”

Connor’s lip trembled. Damn it, he was tired of crying. He pulled his hood up so it and his hair partially obscured his face, shifting so he could pull his knees to his chest and rest his forehead on them.

“I won’t push. You can stay here as long as you need to, no questions asked. But I’m here if and when you wanna talk, okay?”

Connor nodded, grateful. “I don’t deserve you, you know. I’ve been so shitty to you.”

“Connor, I let you take the fall for _my_ weed. If anyone doesn’t deserve anyone, I don’t deserve you. If I were you, I’d have a dartboard with my picture or a voodoo doll or some shit.”

Connor chuckled. “I mean, I _did_ contemplate those things..”

Miguel rolled his eyes. “Doesn’t surprise me.”

~*~*~

Miguel insisted that Connor take the bed that night. He slept on the floor, snoring away. But Connor couldn’t sleep. He stared up at the ceiling, restless. Too much had happened in just a few days, and his brain wouldn’t shut up.

He opened his phone to check the time (Miguel was weird and didn’t have an alarm clock), only to discover a ton of messages from Cynthia. He frowned as he read through them, then froze when he saw the last message notification.

**Evan: Sorry I didn’t reply earlier. Had to lie and tell mom I had a panic attack and that’s why I missed school. She kept an annoyingly close watch on me the rest of the night and decided to schedule an extra therapy appointment for me this week. Sigh. Anyway, hopefully you’re good and we can talk tomorrow.**

The time stamp was from three hours ago. Connor glanced at the clock on his phone. It was 2am. He doubted Evan would still be awake.. Maybe he should wait to reply until the morning. 

He sighed in frustration. If Evan wasn’t mad at him, then he’d panicked for nothing. He’d yelled at his mom for nothing, had scared Zoe for nothing, and had thrown shit for nothing. 

He climbed out of bed, quietly getting dressed. He scribbled a quick note for Miguel, then snuck out and made the long walk home.


	10. Friends Can Cuddle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So sorry for not posting sooner. I hit some writers block. The next chapter might take a little longer, too. I love this fic more than anything I've ever written and I want to do it justice. I know what I want to have happen AT SOME POINT, but I need to figure out what happens between here and there. I need to do some serious plotting/make some timeline decisions - that's part of why I've been vague on the timeline, and haven't really discussed what month it is or even what grade they're in - I'm honestly just not sure about all those details yet (If it helps, it's been roughly 6-7 weeks from chapter 1 to this chapter).
> 
> This chapter has some Soft Connor because I'm a sucker for Soft Connor. Also because I'm trying to write him and Evan more In Character than I did in my other fics, and that's been a bit mentally and emotionally draining - especially with Connor and his temper/outbursts - so writing soft Connor helped balance that. I discussed this on tumblr, if anyone is interested: 
> 
> https://mysteriousxmidnight.tumblr.com/post/618769589936029696/with-my-current-deh-fanfic-im-trying-really-hard
> 
> With that all being said, I REALLY loved writing this chapter, and I really hope you enjoy reading it! :)

Cynthia and Zoe were frozen in the kitchen doorway. They couldn’t believe what they were seeing. 

Connor stood by the stove, shuffling something around in a pan. The smell of bacon wafted out to them. 

They exchanged looks. Connor - their Connor - had gotten up earlier than was necessary to make them breakfast before school. Connor never willingly woke up earlier than he had to. If it were up to him, he’d sleep until noon or later.

“Is he high?” Zoe whispered to Cynthia. 

Cynthia opened her mouth to argue that, no, he wasn’t high, but she honestly wasn’t sure. So she just shrugged helplessly. 

“We can’t just stand here...” Zoe whispered, side-eying her mom. She certainly wasn’t going to be the first one to go into the kitchen...

Cynthia gave her a look, then stepped tentatively towards Connor.

“Connor?” she asked gently, afraid to startle her son. He glanced up at her. She didn’t smell weed on him, and his eyes weren’t red. 

Connor plated some bacon and eggs and, without a word, held the plate out to her. She took it, eyes widening.

“I.. thank you..” She glanced back at Zoe, then took her plate and sat.

Connor picked up a second plate, filled it, then held it out to Zoe, who hesitated before slowly moving forward, hand held out to take the plate. Connor refused to let go for a second, and she glanced up at him, making eye contact. She wasn’t positive, but she could have sworn she saw tears in his eyes. But then he was letting go of the plate and turning away.

She sat at the table, exchanging a look of confusion with Cynthia. She didn’t have a chance to say anything, though, because Connor was suddenly there with his own plate. He sat and started to eat, avoiding eye contact with them. Cynthia tried to make conversation, but Connor wasn’t saying anything, and Zoe was only giving one-word answers. Her eyes kept darting to Connor, then back to her plate. 

They were all almost done eating when Zoe couldn’t take it anymore. She glanced at her mother, then her brother. She cleared her throat. “Um... Connor?” she asked tentatively.

Connor glanced up at her.

“Please don’t scream at me for asking, I just...” she paused, looking nervous. “I just don’t understand. Yesterday you hugged mom and willingly ate dinner with us. Then you threw shit at dinner and stormed out of the house. And now... now you’re making us breakfast..? I just... don’t understand..?”

Connor scowled at her. She flinched back a little, like she was positive he was about to bite her head off. Instead he sighed, shaking his head. He stared down at his plate. “Honestly, Zo, even I don’t understand what’s happening in my brain half the time. If I did, I probably wouldn’t be like this. So..” he shrugged, shoving the remainder of his food around on his plate. He refused to meet her gaze again.

Zoe glanced at Cynthia, eyes wide. She mouthed, “Zo?” at her mother. It had been _years_ since her brother had called her Zo.

“Connor..” Cynthia said softly. He glanced up at her, but she didn’t know what to say. She wanted to say something comforting or reassuring, something to make him feel better. But she feared anything she said would fall flat or anger him. So she just stared at him.

Connor huffed out a breath, shoving his chair back from the table. From the corner of his eye, he could see them both flinch. He knew he deserved that kind of reaction, but it still hurt.

“Connor, sweetie, where are you going?” Cynthia asked gently.

“Bathroom,” he grumbled, stomping upstairs. He closed and locked the bathroom door, then rooted around in the cabinet until he found what he was looking for. He pulled his hoodie sleeves up and undid his bracelets. He hesitated for only a moment before letting the blade bite home.

“Connor?” Cynthia called through the door, knocking. “Are you alright?”

Connor jumped, the blade sinking deeper into his arm than he’d intended. He hissed in pain, dropping the blade into the sink. 

“Connor, what was that?? Are you alright??” Cynthia asked, knocking frantically.

“Fine!” He snapped. He pressed a washcloth to his wrist, trying to slow the bleeding, his heart pounding in his chest. When the bleeding had slowed enough, he cleaned and bandaged it.

There was silence outside the door, but he heard the floor creak and knew Cynthia was still there. 

“You guys have to leave for school soon or you’ll be late,” she insisted, but her voice was gentle. “Are you sure you’re alright? Please, let me in.”

He hid his blade away, threw the washcloth into the laundry basket, rolled his bracelets back on, and shoved his sleeves back down in place. He splashed cold water on his face then, hands shaking, yanked the door open. 

“I’m walking to school today,” he snapped, shoving quickly passed her and running down the stairs.

Cynthia frowned, stepping into the bathroom. She glanced around quickly, but everything looked normal. 

“Connor!” She ran after him. She reached him just as he was pulling open the front door. “Connor!”

He paused to look up at her, his eyes wild like he was ready to flee.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Cynthia asked, her voice shaking with worry.

“Of course I’m sure,” Connor lied, an edge to his words. 

Cynthia frowned at him, not believing him. “I’m-I’m here if you... if you need to talk. And...” she paused, considering her next words. “And it can be just between us, if you want. Whatever it is. I won’t tell your father if you don’t want him to know. 

Connor’s eyes widened in surprise. He knew his parents didn’t always get along, but for her to suggest keeping something from Larry... She’d never done that, as far as he knew.

Cynthia stepped forward, nodding, eyes filled with hope. But the second she stepped too close, Connor’s walls went right back up. 

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he said flatly, turning to leave.

“Connor-“ Cynthia said gently, reaching out to grab her son’s arm. 

Connor pulled away so quickly, Cynthia stumbled back. His eyes widened. He hadn’t meant to, but Cynthia was looking at him with shock in her eyes. His lip trembled for just a second before he turned and slammed out the front door, putting as much distance between him and his mother as he could.

~*~*~

Connor had his fist raised to knock on Evan’s front door when it was pulled open. Evan jumped, eyes wide.

“Connor? Hey. Did I forget- were we supposed to walk to school together today, or..?”

Connor bit the inside of his cheek, shaking his head. 

“Oh, so- hey, are you okay?” Evan asked, frowning. “Are you.. Wait, are you crying?” Connor ducked his head, but not before Evan saw the tears in his eyes. “Okay, clearly you’re _not_ okay..” He stepped aside, motioning for Connor to come in. 

Connor sank down onto Evan’s couch, dragging his hands across his eyes to wipe away the tears. “Sorry,” he mumbled, as Evan sat beside him.

“Hey, I’ve cried in front of you enough times, don’t even worry about it,” Evan said with a shrug.

“My turn, I guess,” Connor said with a bitter chuckle.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Evan asked. He started to lean forward to put a hand on Connor’s shoulder, but pulled back at the last second. He hated being touched when he was upset; he wasn’t sure if Connor was the same way, but he didn’t want to upset him further. Plus, he didn’t want to be weird, especially after the other day. Connor _had_ let him use his lap as a pillow, though. He wouldn’t have let Evan do that if he wasn’t okay with it.. right? Still, what if it made him mad and he didn’t want to be friends anymore? He shook his head, trying to shut off his stupid brain. 

Connor glanced up at the sudden movement, his eyes landing on Evan just as he pulled back.

“Sorry,” Evan apologized. “I...”

Connor shook his head. Had Evan been leaning in to give him a hug or was he imaging that..? He _really_ wouldn’t mind a hug – especially from Evan – but he was too embarrassed to ask for one, especially after the other day. Evan probably hated him for the other day, probably thought he’d done it on purpose to be a creeper. Evan was being nice and hadn’t said anything, but... Connor chewed at the inside of his lip, hoping he was wrong. If Evan hated him.. he’d never forgive himself.

“Just having a bad day, I guess,” Connor finally admitted, staring down at his lap. “Wanna skip?”

“Oh- I- I would, but I just...”

“It’s fine,” Connor said, hearing the hesitation in Evan’s voice. He’d been right... Evan didn’t want to spend time alone with him anymore. He was probably terrified Connor would try to put the moves on him again. He, like everyone else, probably thought Connor was a freak...

He stood abruptly, waving Evan off. “I’m sorry I bothered you, this was stupid. I’ll just go.”

“Wait.” Evan grabbed onto Connor’s wrist. Connor hissed, yanking away. Evan’s eyes widened. “S-sorry, I didn’t mean to.. I just..” He stood, shifting so he was blocking Connor from leaving. “I’d stay if I could, but I have a test,” he said quickly. “But you, um.. I mean.. This might be weird, but you’re welcome to hang out here, if you.. if you want?”

Connor blinked at him. He... hadn’t expected that. “Oh...” He rubbed the wrist Evan had grabbed, the cuts beneath his bracelets throbbing. “I.. You really don’t mind?”

Evan shook his head. “My mom already left for work, and she’ll be gone all day. You can, you know, watch TV, or... or you can go up to my room and take a nap..” He paused, realizing that probably sounded like a weird suggestion. He quickly added, “Or... I mean, whatever you want. Fridge is kinda empty, but you can help yourself to anything in the kitchen.”

“Thanks,” Connor mumbled, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. He hated any situation that made him feel vulnerable, but he also felt oddly comfortable right now, like Evan’s presence was calming him. 

Evan nodded. “Yeah, no problem. I’ll be home right after school, okay?”

Connor nodded, watching him go. After he was gone, Connor stared around the living room awkwardly, unsure what he should do now.. He really hadn’t thought this through. So he did the thing he knew would be most comforting – he escaped upstairs to Evan’s room. He stood in the doorway for a long time, feeling like he was intruding on Evan’s privacy by being there, but he wasn’t - Evan had said he could go up to his room, so...

He stepped inside, glancing around. He slowly wandered over to Evan’s desk. He didn’t mean to snoop, but he couldn’t help it. There was a stack of college scholarship essays next to his computer. There was also a small stack of printed letters, all of which seemed to start off with the words “Dear Evan Hansen.” Connor frowned at them, but put them back down without reading them. Reading them would _definitely_ be invading his friend’s privacy. 

He moved on to the bookshelf beside Evan’s desk. He ran his fingers along the spines of the books, reading the titles as he went. Evan had pretty good taste in books. He even had a full set of Harry Potter books, so Connor was officially in love. He also had several books about trees. Connor smiled softly at that, shaking his head. The bottom shelf had three giant piles of comic books. He flipped through them, eyes widening in awe. Evan had some _great_ comic books - a few first editions and some really rare ones, too. He paused at the last stack, chuckling when he found a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle nightlight hidden between the comic books and the side of the bookshelf.

He glanced at the top of the bookshelf, where two pictures sat - one of Evan and both his parents when he was roughly two or three years old, and one of him and his mom from when he was maybe twelve. His eyes fell to a stuffed teddy bear to the right of the photographs. It looked old and well loved. 

He hesitated before reaching out and picking the teddy bear up and settling onto Evan’s bed. He pulled his phone from his pocket, checking it for the first time since he’d slammed the door in his mother’s face. He had several text messages, missed calls, and voicemails from her. The tone of the messages grew more frantic as they went unanswered. He couldn’t find the energy to answer her, though, so he pocketed his phone and settled back against the pillows, breathing in Evan’s scent. He held the teddy bear close and closed his eyes, taking deep, calming breaths. 

The last thought he had before drifting off to sleep was that he was a complete weirdo for sniffing his friend’s pillow.

~*~*~

Evan wasn’t sure what to make of the sight before him.

Connor was fast asleep on his bed, Ted the Teddy Bear pulled close against his chest. He looked so peaceful and content. Evan felt his heart melting as he stared down at the beautiful boy before him. His eyes widened at the thought, and he carefully crept out of the room and made his way back downstairs. He collapsed on the couch, sighing in frustration.

Fuck. He really did have a crush on Connor Murphy. The first friend he’d made in a _long_ time, and he was going to ruin it with his stupid feelings. He pulled his phone from his pocket.

**Evan: Shit, I have a crush on Connor.**

**Jared: Duh. We already established this, my dude.**

Evan dropped his head into his hands. He took a deep breath. 

**Evan: Okay, but like.. I _really_ like him. What the hell am I supposed to do?**

**Jared: You know my thoughts on this. But you refuse to tell him, so... idk what to tell you**

Evan shook his head. “Nope, can’t do it.”

“Can’t do what?”

Evan jumped, looking up. His eyes widened. Connor stood before him, hair rumpled, rubbing sleep from his eyes. He looked like he’d woken before he was ready, like he could fall back to sleep in seconds, if given the chance.

“Uh.. Nothing,” he said quickly. Connor frowned at him. “I just... Jared. He wanted to copy my history paper. I can’t let him do that.”

Connor nodded, seeming to accept that answer. He yawned, moving around the coffee table to sit beside Evan.

“Do okay on your test?” he asked through another yawn.

“I think so,” Evan shrugged. “I hope so... How was your... Did you have a good nap?”

Connor nodded. “Your bed is comfy,” he shifted closer to Evan, resting his head on Evan’s arm and closing his eyes. “You more comfy,” he mumbled.

Evan blinked, afraid to move. It wasn’t long before Connor was snoring. He was torn between panicking – What did this mean? Was Connor just _that_ tired that he’d fallen asleep so quickly? Was this just a ‘friends can cuddle’ thing? – and grinning like an idiot over the fact that this was happening. 

Connor was so warm next to him. His hair fell across his face and tickled Evan’s arm. He reached out hesitantly, fingers shaking, and gently tucked Connor’s hair behind his ear. Connor shifted in his sleep, snuggling closer. Evan just smiled down at him, settling in for however long he needed to. There was no way he was going to wake Connor and ruin this perfect, blissful moment.


	11. Your Obligation is Fulfilled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii, hope everyone is well. So sorry for the delay in posting (I feel like I REALLY need to come up with a posting schedule and stick to it...). But this chapter is longer than usual, to make up for the delay! It was.. A Lot to write. Also, I'm sorry in advance. Yikes. Enjoy!! :)

“Evan, what the fuck?”

Evan jumped, turning to look at Jared. “What?” he asked, exhaustion in his voice. 

Jared rolled his eyes. “Where the fuck is your head right now?” he asked, huffing in annoyance. “I mean, don’t get me wrong – I love kicking your ass when we play this game. But you’re not even trying.”

Evan mumbled an apology, looking away. 

Jared sighed, pausing the game and turning on the couch so he was facing Evan. “Dude, seriously, what’s up with you? More Connor Pining?” 

Evan blushed bright red. 

“You are,” Jared said flatly. “You’re pining after him again. When are you going to grow a pair of balls and tell him how you feel?”

“I _can't_ ,” Evan insisted. “I won’t risk ruining this friendship over stupid unrequited feelings.”

“You’re starting to sound like a broken record.”

Jared sounded so exasperated with him, so frustrated... He started to turn away, to stand, to leave... Evan knew logically that he was probably just going for food or maybe a bathroom break or something stupid, but his anxiety was screaming at him, telling him Jared was tired of him and didn’t want to hear him talk about Connor anymore, and if he couldn’t talk to Jared about it, who could he talk to? 

“He saw me naked,” he blurted.

Jared turned around, eyes wide. Evan immediately regretted the confession.

“What the fuck?” Jared asked, sinking back onto the couch, the look on his face caught somewhere between a laugh and shock. “I’m gonna need more details, please.”

Evan shook his head, looking down. “Forget I said anything, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, no,” Jared said quickly. “No, you can’t just drop that on me and _not_ give me details. I mean... Seriously. How did that even happen? Did you guys-“

“No!” Evan snapped, eyes going wide. “No, it was nothing like... I just..” He paused, trying to collect his thoughts. “It was that day after – When we drank that night and I was so hungover the next day? I guess.. I mean-“

“Wait, that was, like, two weeks ago. And you’re just telling me this _now_?”

“Um, because it was embarrassing and I knew you’d make fun of me for it?” Evan snapped. “Which is exactly what you’re doing.”

Jared frowned, nodding. “You’re right, sorry. Trying not to be an ass is harder than it seems. Okay, I’m good, continue.”

Evan stared at his lap. There was no way he could tell Jared this while looking him in the eye. He quickly recounted the events of that day, starting with Connor coming over, and how he’d fallen asleep on Connor’s lap. He hesitated before launching into the part where Connor had accidentally seen him naked. He completely skipped the part where Connor had shared an embarrassing story with him, though. 

Evan paused, feeling embarrassed all over again. Jared opened his mouth to speak. Evan quickly shook his head. “There’s more,” he said miserably.

He took a breath, then quickly rambled on, telling Jared about Connor coming to his house and wanting to skip school, and everything that came after. He skipped the part about Ted the Teddy Bear - Jared would _never_ let that go, and would tease both Connor and Evan mercilessly about it. But he reluctantly told Jared what happened _after_ that, with Connor coming downstairs and falling asleep against him.

When he was done, Evan sighed and slumped forward, face in his hands. “He’s been acting kind of weird since then. “

“Weird how?” Jared asked.

Evan shrugged. “He won’t really look me in the eye, which... I mean. He saw all this.” He gestured at himself. “I wouldn’t want to look at me, either, after that..” He let out a short, self-deprecating laugh. “And we haven’t talked about any of what happened _since_ it happened. Not the, um, him seeing me naked thing.. Or the thing where he fell asleep on me. Actually, we haven’t talked _at all_. He hasn’t answered any of my messages in the last few days. So.. I’m sure he regrets both things and he’s just trying to be polite or whatever. He’s probably so grossed out, I’m sure. Which, I mean, fair. But it just sucks, I _knew_ I’d ruin things somehow-“

“Evan,” Jared said loudly. Evan jumped, finally looking up at him. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe he feels bad about what happened and doesn’t want to make you feel worse by bringing it up again?”

Evan blinked, surprised. He’d fully expected Jared to start cackling with glee, to tease him about the whole situation, but Jared’s reaction surprised him.

“I.. No. I hadn’t.. No.” Evan frowned, plucking at a loose string on his shirt.

“And maybe he hasn’t mentioned falling asleep on your arm because _he's_ embarrassed. Maybe he’s worried _you_ hate _him_ for it.”

Evan’s eyes widened. “I could never hate him for that.”

“Okay,” Jared said slowly. “But he doesn’t know that because NEITHER OF YOU COMMUNICATES THIS SHIT TO THE OTHER. Dumbass.” He huffed, shaking his head. 

Evan scowled at him. The last few weeks had been hard and stressful, and had taken an emotional toll. He needed someone to talk to. He needed Jared to _listen_ , not _lecture_. And he certainly didn’t need to be told he was a dumbass when he was feeling so mentally and emotionally exhausted.

His anxiety was building, but not in the way it did before a panic attack. No, this was something else. He knew it was happening, could feel it coming. He tried to hold it back, tried to count to ten and relax his breathing.

He was almost there when Jared ruined it by speaking again.

“So if you really aren’t going to grow a pair and tell him the damn truth, then just at least _try_ to act normal and not bothered by any of this shit. Maybe then he’ll go back to acting normal, too.”

“Oh!” Evan said sarcastically, “Okay, _sure_ , great options. Thanks, Jared.”

Jared scowled at him “What the fuck?”

“Nothing, forget it,” Evan snapped, jumping to his feet. “Just... Stop trying to give me advice, like you even know what you’re talking about. Stop acting like you even care.”

Jared flinched. “What the fuck, dude? You know I care!”

“Yes,” Evan replied, drawing the word out. “You care about getting your car insurance paid. Well, good job, your obligation is fulfilled for this month. Happy fucking pay day.”

Jared was so shocked, he couldn’t even find the words to reply, just stared after Evan as he stormed out of the house, letting the front door slam behind him.

~*~*~

Evan was sitting with his back against his headboard, curled into himself, when Heidi came into his room later that night.

“Hey, honey,” she said with a tentative smile, sitting on his bed and patting his knee. He flinched at the physical contact. Heidi frowned at him.

“You’re home early,” he remarked, his voice monotone. He didn’t have the energy to fake being happy right now. He’d been an ass to Jared, and he hated himself for it. 

Heidi gave him a look. “Yeah.. Class was canceled, so I was able to leave work and come right home. You okay?”

Evan looked down, picking at a loose thread on his khakis. “Yeah, fine,” he replied. 

“You don’t seem fine, Evan,” Heidi insisted. “You know I’m here, right? If you ever want to talk? I know it must seem like I’m always gone, between work and class, but-“

“I’m fine,” Evan insisted, his tone more sharp than he meant it to be.

Heidi frowned. “You aren’t. I might be your mom, but I’m not an idiot. Something’s been bothering you for days now. I wish you’d talk to me.”

He felt his heart pick up speed, and he knew he was going to cave if she didn’t drop it. He was going to cave and tell her about Connor, tell her about his crush, tell her – everything. He felt himself growing warm with embarrassment. 

“Evan,” Heidi said softly, placing her hand gently on his, but he yanked it away from her, moving further away, backing into his pillows. He turned his body so he was partially facing the wall. 

“Just because you’re home for _one_ night doesn’t mean we’re suddenly going to have a weird bonding session,” he snapped at her.

Heidi flinched back. “Hey, you know I’m here for you, Evan. I’m always here.”

“No, you’re actually usually not,” he spit out. “And I’d really like it if you weren’t, actually.”

“Evan..” The hurt in Heidi’s voice was obvious to Evan, even though he wasn’t looking at her. 

When he refused to say anything else, refused to look at her, she stood and walked to his door. She turned once more, wiping a tear off her cheek. “Well, whether you believe it or not, I’m here for you. Whenever you’re ready to talk to me.”

Only once Evan heard his door click shut did he look up. His room was empty. He felt tears in his eyes, and he didn’t bother to hold them back. He buried his face in his pillows so Heidi wouldn’t hear him, and he let himself cry. 

He was such an asshole. He’d hurt Jared _and_ his mom. He’d hurt them for absolutely no reason. They’d _both_ been trying to help. He’d purposely pushed them away, though. He was.. He was just such an asshole. They’d both be better off without him... Everyone would...

Once he’d cried himself out, he sat up, head pounding. Sniffling, he stood on shaky legs, crossing his room and opening his door. He listened for sounds of his mom, catching the muffled sound of the television in the living room. He tensed; he’d have to go right by her.

He braced himself for it, walking downstairs as quietly as he could. But she still looked up as he passed the living room.

“Hey, bud,” she said tentatively. ‘Wanna come watch a movie?”

He stared at her for a second, then shook his head. “I’m going to Jared’s,” he said, shocking himself with how easily the lie escaped his lips.

She frowned, but nodded, watching as he went. He didn’t slam the door, but Heidi flinched at the soft click, the noise just as loud as a slam.

~*~*~

Connor settled onto the beanbag chair by his open window, pulling out the joint he’d snagged from Miguel’s stash the last time he was over. He lit it and took a giant puff, then rested his head on his arm, holding the joint out the window to minimize the smell of it in his room.

He felt really guilty for not answering Evan’s last few text messages. He knew the anxious boy was probably freaking out, but he was also kind of freaking out. The last two weeks had been weird and awkward. Evan hadn’t said anything about Connor falling asleep on him; he was acting like it had never happened. And Connor didn’t know how to feel about that. Was Evan mad? Was that why he was pretending it hadn’t happened? Was that why they hadn’t really spoken a lot? 

He sighed, putting the joint to his lips again.

“CONNOR!”

Connor jumped, turning to look up. Larry stood before him, arms crossed, eyes burning with anger.

“Not today, please.” Connor’s voice cracked. “I’m actually begging you, please let’s not do this.”

Larry’s eyes widened in surprise. For a moment, Connor thought he would actually listen, give him a break. But then something shifted in his expression, and he shook his head.

“You’re smoking _pot_ in _my_ house, and you think you can speak to me like that?”

Connor stared at him. He really didn’t want to get into a screaming match with his father today. He really didn’t. 

“You’re grounded until further notice. Until you learn some respect.”

“Fuck this,” Connor said, hauling himself up. He stalked past his father, trying to escape before he lost it. But Larry grabbed his arm to stop him. Connor recoiled at the touch, the fresh cuts he’d made a few hours ago still throbbing. He shoved angrily against his father’s arm, making him stumble back.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” Connor snarled, eyes wild. “And don’t talk to me about respect when you don’t respect me, either. Respect goes both ways.” His voice was getting louder and louder. 

“Respect you?” Larry asked incredulously. “I’m your _father_.”

Connor chuckled. “Right, so that means you can’t respect me? But of course you don’t. Why would you? You can’t even bother getting to know me.” He clenched and unclenched his hands, the desire to hit something strong. Instead, he grabbed for the closest thing he could reach and threw it. He wasn’t sure what it was, but it narrowly missed his father’s head, shattering against the wall behind him.

“Why would I respect you when you behave like that?” Larry demanded. “Like a child throwing a tantrum?”

Connor went still, eyes blazing. “Sure, that’s all this is,” he said flatly. “Just a tantrum.” He grabbed his keys and phone off his desk and walked out of his room, down the stairs, and out the front door before his dad could stop him – and, more importantly, before he said or did anything he couldn’t take back.

~*~*~

Evan stopped short, eyes going wide.

“Oh.. Hi.” Connor shifted, sitting up more against the tree. “I... Are you okay?”

Evan was wringing the hem of his shirt into a twisted mess. He nodded quickly, letting his shirt go. But then he started picking at his cuticles instead.

“I, uh, sorry to... I didn’t know you’d...”

Connor frowned. “Evan, what’s up with you?”

Damn it. Damn Connor Murphy for doing this to him a _second_ time. Why this tree? Why tonight?

“I’m- Nothing. Is up. I mean.. I'm fine,” Evan stammered.

“You know you’re a terrible liar, right?” Connor started picked at the grass, pulling it up one blade at a time. “I’m sorry about.. The other day. Or, well, both the other days.”

“What?” Evan asked, frowning. He fidgeted. He didn’t want to be here right now. He’d treated Jared and his mom like shit, and his emotions still felt fragile and volatile; he didn’t want to snap at Connor, too. But he felt like he was standing on a ledge, barely keeping his balance. He didn’t know how much longer he could hold on.

“When.. You know, when I saw... And then when I, um..” He stared down at his lap. “Seeing you... And then, um, that day I wanted to skip and, you know..” He sighed. He was starting to sound like Evan. He bit his lip and shrugged. “When I fell asleep on you. I’m sorry.”

Connor looked up at him finally. Evan looked genuinely confused. There was something else there, too. But Connor wasn’t sure what.

“You don’t have to apologize for that.” Evan hesitantly sat on the grass across from him, but he kept as much distance between them as he could. He couldn’t handle being too close to anyone right now. Especially Connor. “You were having a bad day and you were tired. So. Did you want to talk about it?”

Connor shrugged. “Not really.. I was- It was just a couple shitty days and me being an ass to everyone, and I just needed to chill somewhere that wasn’t home.”

Evan nodded. He understood, more than Connor would ever realize. But he was too much of a coward to admit what he’d done.

“I’m here if you need me,” Evan said softly. He felt like an ass saying it, though, since it was pretty much exactly what his mom had said to him, and he’d thrown it in her face.

Connor huffed out a breath, shaking his head. “I just.. I’m trying really hard to make things better with my mom and Zoe. But.. I keep fucking up. Like, I’ll do something nice and then I’ll be an ass. I hugged my mom when I got home a few weeks ago, then screamed at her and Zoe at dinner and stormed out. And then I cooked them breakfast the next day, but Zoe started questioning me about my behavior, so I snapped and stomped upstairs like a toddler. And my mom tried to come check on me, but she caught me right after I’d cu-“ He choked on his words. “I mean, she just caught me in a bad mood and she tried to keep me from leaving and I just.. I kind of shoved her away and she stumbled and I just...” He dropped his head into his hands.

Evan wanted to hug him so badly, to comfort him. “You’re trying, Connor. It’s not going to happen overnight or whatever. You have to give yourself a break.”

Connor shrugged. “I guess...” He angrily shoved his hair back. “But then I had a fight with my dad tonight, too. And it was just.. too much on top of everything else. So I just.. Came here to relax.”

“I get that,” Evan nodded. “Trees are relaxing.” The second the words left his mouth, he blushed with embarrassment. He waited for Connor to laugh, or tell him off for always bringing up trees. It’s what Jared would do. But Connor didn’t laugh. He just nodded in agreement.

They sat in silence for a while. The sun was setting, bathing the sky in a breath-taking array of pink, orange and red.

“Can we just, um.. Can we pretend all those embarrassing things that happened just... didn’t? Can we go back to normal?” Evan finally asked.

Connor flinched. So.. him falling asleep on Evan had been embarrassing? It shouldn’t have surprised him, but it still hurt.

“Yeah, sure, whatever,” he shrugged, standing. “I’m gonna.. It’s getting late, and my dad will kill me if I’m not home soon. Did you.. Did you want a ride home?”

Evan frowned up at him. “You have a car?”

Connor shrugged. “Yeah. I prefer walking most of the time – the fresh air is relaxing - but I needed to make a quick getaway earlier, so my dad couldn’t stop me. If I’d walked, he would have caught up with me.”

Evan took in Connor’s red eyes, and the faint smell of weed. “Are you, um... Are you _okay_ to drive?”

“Yes,” Connor said flatly. “I’m not a dumbass, I’m not _that_ high.”

Evan flinched. So Connor thought he was a dumbass, too? But it must be true if both he _and_ Jared thought it. Evan looked away, staring at the tree before them. If he stayed... If Connor left, and Evan was finally alone...

But the moment was gone. He’d lost his nerve. So he sighed, nodding. He stood, trailing after Connor. They got into an old, beat-up Honda Civic. It was messy and chaotic and smelled of weed. Evan sank dejectedly into the seat, staring out the window as Connor drove.

Neither boy spoke the whole drive home. But when Connor pulled into Evan’s driveway, he put the car into park and turned to look at Evan.

“You sure you’re okay? I just...”

“Yes,” Evan snapped. “I really wish people would stop asking me that.”

Connor held his outs up in a placating gesture. “Okay, okay, sorry.”

Evan sighed. Great. Now he could add Connor to the list of people he’d hurt for no reason. He mumbled a “thanks for the ride” and got out. But before he slammed the door, he turned to look at Connor.

“You should really keep trying with your mom and Zoe,” he said hesitantly. “You’ll regret it if you don’t.” He waited, but Connor just stared at him, at a loss for words. Evan took that to mean his opinion was unwanted, and he shrugged and walked away.

Connor sat there until Evan had disappeared into his house. Only then did he make the drive home.

The house was quiet when he walked in. His parents must already be in bed.. That was surprising; he’d been bracing for another confrontation with his dad. He sighed, slumping up the stairs. He suddenly felt exhausted. 

When he reached the landing, though, he was surprised to see Zoe’s door open. He hesitated, then stepped forward, pausing in her doorway. 

Zoe was sitting cross-legged on her bed, guitar in hand. She was scribbling in a notebook, then playing the guitar, then repeating the process. A noise startled her into looking up. Connor stood in her doorway, looking defeated. Her eyes widened. When she didn’t tell him to go away, he carefully edged into her room. He approached her cautiously. She inclined her head slightly, the tiniest of gestures. Connor hoped he was right in thinking it meant she wasn’t going to kick him out. He sat down on her floor, resting his back against her bed. Zoe frowned at him, but his back was to her, so he thankfully didn’t see it. He smelled faintly of weed. Normally, she’d call him on it, but he’d looked so... so sad. And she’d heard his argument with their father earlier. So she let it go, and they sat there in silence, neither one wanting to admit how much they missed the other.


	12. Fry Thief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiii. I'm back!! A couple quick things:
> 
> 1) The timeline for this fic is finally basically set. So chapter 1 was the first week in March. This chapter takes place in mid May. Connor and Evan are in their junior year of high school.
> 
> 2) Zoe is, therefore, a sophomore and only has a learner's permit. So Connor drives them to school, and it's his car. In this AU, he hasn't crashed any cars or lost driving privileges.
> 
> 3) This chapter is slightly longer than usual, so enjoy! And, as usual, I love hearing from you and reading your comments! :)

Evan hesitantly approached Jared at his locker the next day. He glanced at Evan, then looked away.

“I-I’m sorry about, um, about yesterday.”

“Whatever,” Jared mumbled.

“Jared, please,” Evan said, sniffling like he was about to cry. “I’m really.. I really am sorry. I was just having a-“

“A bitch attack? Yeah, save it,” Jared snapped, still refusing to look at Evan. Evan’s sniffling grew louder, then stopped altogether, like he was too shocked by Jared’s words to even cry. Jared sighed, relenting. He turned to face him - except Evan was gone. Jared looked around, spotting him just as he turned a corner down the hall and disappeared. Jared’s shoulders slumped. “Shit.”

“What the fuck?”

Jared jumped, glancing behind him. He rolled his eyes, turning back to his locker. “Go the fuck away, Murphy, I don’t need this today.”

“What happened to Evan?” He demanded, scowling at Jared.

“He was an ass, he deserves the cold shoulder.” Jared’s voice was defensive. But he also didn’t really believe what he was saying, and his voice shook a little.

Connor blinked at him. “Evan? An ass? I don’t believe it. What the fuck did you do?”

Jared slammed his locker shut, turning to face Connor. “So you think I started this?”

“Evan wouldn’t, so yeah.” Connor crossed his arms. “What did you say to him?”

For a moment, an odd look crossed Jared’s face. He could be a dick... He could tell Connor that all he’d done was try to convince Evan to man up and tell Connor he liked him.

But he couldn’t do it. He wouldn’t out his best friend. Plus, Connor could be so paranoid sometimes that, coming from Jared, saying Evan liked him might seem to Connor like a trick to humiliate him. And that would fuck everything up if Evan ever DID grow a pair and finally decide to his admit his feelings.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” Connor demanded. “What the fuck did you say to upset Evan so much?”

“Nothing, dude,” Jared said flatly. “Just my usual douchebag shit, right?” He shook his head and walked away, Connor stared after him, mouth open. The look Jared had given him before walking away had almost been... Sad? 

Connor was still pondering Jared’s reaction when he got to English class a few minutes later, sliding into the seat next to Evan. 

“Ev, you okay?”

Evan startled, glancing at Connor. There it was again. Ev. Evan couldn’t believe the way he melted when Connor called him that. He shook his head in exasperation.

“You’re not okay?” Connor asked, furrowing his brow.

“No.. I mean yes.. I mean..”

Just then, the final bell rang, and their teacher called for silence. Evan slumped in his seat as he turned to face the front of the classroom.

Connor’s multiple attempts to catch Evan’s attention went unnoticed throughout class. Evan was making himself as small as possible, avoiding eye contact with the teacher in the hope that he wouldn’t get called on. 

And then the second the bell rang, Evan bolted before Connor could even open his mouth to try asking – again – if he was okay. Connor huffed in annoyance, gathering his things and stalking out. Now he wouldn’t see Evan until lunch. 

Paying attention in his next two classes was basically impossible. Connor was too worried about Evan to focus. Evan was his friend, and he was clearly upset and hurting. Connor needed to do _something_ to cheer him up. But what?

And then he got a brilliant idea. 

“Zoe.”

Zoe jumped, eyes going wide as Connor approached her at her locker. They rarely spoke in school. She knew he’d been trying harder lately than he had in a long time, and it had been nice reconnecting with him, but that didn’t mean all was forgiven, or that she wasn’t suspicious of his motives. Why now? What had prompted him to stop skipping class, and start being nicer to her?

“Can you find a ride home?” Connor asked, once he’d reached her.

Zoe narrowed her eyes. “Why?”

Connor scowled. “It doesn’t matter. Can you?”

“It _does_ matter,” Zoe insisted.

Connor rolled his eyes. “I need to go somewhere. Can you get a ride or not?”

“Where?” she demanded, frowning suspiciously.

“None of your business.”

Zoe returned his scowl. “Well if you won’t tell me, then no.”

“Zoe, come _on_ ,” Connor said. His tone surprised Zoe, because it _almost_ sounded like he was pleading with her. And that... That was weird.

She crossed her arms. “If I go home without you, mom and dad will give me the third degree. So I’m not agreeing to anything until I know what I’m getting myself into.”

“You know it’s _my_ car,” Connor reminded her. “I could just leave you here and say fuck it. But I’m _trying_ to be nice.”

She frowned at him. “Fine, yes. I can get a ride home.”

Connor’s eyes widened. He hadn’t expected her to relent. He flashed her a tentative smile. “Thanks.”

She nodded. “Seriously though, you better have a good reason for this. They’re gonna kill you.”

“They don’t need a reason to ground me. I could breathe too loud and they’d ground me. So.” He shrugged. 

Zoe opened her mouth to argue, but the warning bell rang. Connor nodded his thanks before walking away, pulling his phone out of his pocket as he went. Zoe frowned after him – she was almost positive he was texting someone, but she was too far away to be sure.

Connor hit send on his message as he slid into his seat in math.

**Connor: Meet me in the junior parking lot at lunch.**

He hid his phone under his desk, sneaking glances all throughout class, but there was no reply. It wasn’t until he was walking to his next class that his phone vibrated. He glanced around, making sure none of the teachers were paying attention to him.

**Evan: Why?**

**Evan: We can’t leave the building during the school day.**

**Evan: I don’t want to get you in trouble again.**

Connor rolled his eyes. The more anxious Evan was, the more messages he sent. 

**Connor: I promise it’ll be worth it. Just use the side entrance by the auditorium. No one will be down that hall that time of day.**

**Evan: Ok**

Connor smiled, pocketing his phone.

~*~*~

Connor was leaning against the side of his car when Evan power-walked over to him, looking over his shoulder every two seconds. When he reached Connor, he made a shooing gesture at him..

“Paranoid much?” Connor asked, quirking a brow. But he pushed off the side of the car and got in, Evan right behind him.

Connor started the car the second Evan closed his door. He glanced around the parking lot once more, then started driving.

“Wait.. Where are we going?” Evan asked, glancing back at the school to make sure there wasn’t a teacher running after them. Then, frantically, he buckled his seatbelt.

“It’s a surprise,” Connor smirked.

“B-but.. We’re skipping class?”

Connor glanced at him long enough to frown, then turned back to the road. “Yeah? What did you think we were doing?”

“I-I don’t know,” Evan admitted. “I thought.. Maybe we were just eating in your car. Or maybe you had something you wanted to say. Or.. or.. I don’t know...”

Connor shrugged. “Nope.”

Evan slumped in his seat. “My mom is going to kill me for skipping..”

“Just tell her you had a panic attack and left early,” Connor suggested.

“No, see, I can’t keep doing that,” Evan said frantically. “Because every time I lie about having a panic attack, she schedules me an extra therapy appointment, and-“ He cut off, eyes going wide. He hadn’t meant to let that slip.. Like, sure, he’d let it slip in that one text message a while ago. But Connor had never acknowledged it, and Evan secretly hoped he had somehow missed that part of the message.

Connor was quiet for a while. “You see a therapist?” he finally asked, after what felt like forever. 

Evan shifted uncomfortably. “Y-yeah?” 

Connor nodded. “Huh.”

Evan frowned at him. Huh? That was his answer... Just huh? What was he supposed to make of that? 

“I wish I could go to therapy,” Connor mumbled.

“You.. What?”

“Well.” Connor tapped the steering wheel. “I mean, I don’t because I hate talking about my feelings and shit. But..” He shrugged, face turning a faint shade of red. “I’ve always wondered... I mean, a therapist could tell me what...” He tapped a finger against the side of his head. Then immediately felt stupid, and went back to gripping the wheel with both hands. “You know?”

And despite his stilted speech, Evan DID know what he meant. “Yeah, I get it,” he said quietly.

They drove in silence until Connor merged onto the highway. Then Evan sat up, glancing around anxiously. 

“Okay, seriously, where are we going?”

Connor grinned at him – a rare, genuine smile that made Evan’s heart flutter. He pulled his phone from his pocket and held it out towards Evan. 

“There’s an aux cord in the glove box. You can put on whatever music you want. We have a two-hour drive ahead of us, so you might as well enjoy the music. Passcode is 0916.”

Evan carefully took Connor’s phone from him. He wasn’t sure if he was imagining it or not, but this felt ... bigger than it really was. It felt like a major step in their friendship. It felt like.. trust. Connor wasn’t one to share, or open up easily, even in small ways. And he was basically giving Evan unrestricted access to his phone. 

“You okay over there?” Connor asked, frowning.

Evan nodded, quickly typing Connor’s code in and going right to his music app; he didn’t know if he was imaging or exaggerating this trust Connor was putting in him, but he didn’t want to abuse it.

“Wow, you have a LOT of music,” Evan remarked, flipping through. “And.. a LOT of different playlists.”

Connor smirked. “Yeah, music is.. relaxing for me. Kind of likes trees are relaxing for you. I have different playlists for every different mood I could possibly experience.”

“Well, how are you feeling right now?”

Connor tensed up. He was feeling.. happy. But it was more than that. He felt relaxed and content with Evan beside him. Like he wasn’t being judged. He didn’t have to keep his guard up, or watch what he said because Evan wouldn’t use anything he said against him, or use it to make him look bad to other people. He felt like he could actually be himself. 

But he obviously couldn’t say _any_ of that.

“Well, since I’m _not_ in school, and I can’t wait to get where we’re going, I’d say..” He paused, searching for the right word. “Excited?” 

Evan scrolled through Connor’s playlists, finding just the right one, and hit play. Connor tapped his fingers against the wheel to the beat of the music, which Evan took as good sign.

“So, your passcode.. Is that your birthday? September 16?” Evan asked after a couple songs had played.

Connor stiffened, but nodded. 

“How old are you going to be?”

Connor glanced at him briefly, looking puzzled, before turning back to the road. “Why does it matter? I hate my birthday, so...”

“Oh, sorry,” Evan said quickly. “I was just... I get that, I hate mine, too. I was just trying to make conversation.”

“When’s yours?” Connor asked.

Evan pressed his lips together, looking out the window.

Connor made a vague noise in the back of his throat. “I’m gonna be eighteen, by the way.”

Evan glanced at him quickly, then looked back out the window, nodding. “Cool, a big one.”

Connor couldn’t help the bark of laughter that escaped him.

“What?” Evan asked, eyes wide. “What did I say?”

“Nothing,” Connor said, blushing. “My mind was just... Ah... Just in the...” _in the gutter_ , he wanted to say. But he couldn’t. Evan had clearly friend-zoned him, so he didn’t want to steer the conversation in even the _slightest_ way towards _anything_ naughty. And honestly, he wasn’t sure why he’d laughed. What Evan had said wasn’t _that_ dirty. And definitely not intentionally dirty. But thinking about a “big one” had sent his mind spiraling.

It was hard _not_ to let is mind spiral in _that_ direction when Evan was sitting so close to him. But he reeled his thoughts back in, fumbling for a more appropriate response, before Evan’s anxiety took his laugh and refusal to speak as something worse than it was.

“I’ve just never been a big fan of birthdays, so thinking of certain ones as being big and important just...” He shrugged.

Evan nodded, then realized Connor had his eyes trained on the road and couldn’t see him nod. “Yeah, I get that. I don’t even know why I said it because I’m the same. The idea of a whole day meant to celebrate... _me_?” He let out one of his self-deprecating laughs. “Who would want to celebrate me?”

“I would,” Connor shrugged.

And then he realized how that sounded...

Evan was staring at him. Connor glanced quickly in his direction, then glanced back at the road.

“I mean.. We’re friends, right? So.. So of _course_ I’d want to celebrate with you. And, you know, Jared would probably want to celebrate with you. And your mom.”

Evan frowned. “I mean.. I guess. My mom tries to celebrate with me. I know she tries. But..” He stared down at his lap, picking at a loose thread on his jeans. “But I mean, her schedule is weird and, you know, we usually don’t get to celebrate the _day of_. But always as soon as we can. I get it, it’s hard for her, but... It just doesn’t have the exact same feeling when it’s the day after, or a few days after.”

“I get that,” Connor said quietly. “I think the only person who’s cared about my birthday the last few years is my mom. But.. I mean, she’s my _mom_. She kind of _has_ to care, right?”

Evan frowned. “She kind of does but also.. I’m sure she really does care. She’s your mom. She loves you.”

Connor snorted.

Evan frowned. He felt like this conversation was about to go bad, and he didn’t want that. He struggled to find something else they could discuss. He was saved by his stomach growling loudly - so loudly, even Connor heard it.

Connor snickered. “Hungry?”

“Oh.. no, I’m fine,” Evan insisted.

“Really?” Connor rolled his eyes. “There’s a McDonald’s coming up. We can do the drive-thru and eat as we drive so we don’t lose time.”

“I’m fine,” Evan insisted. Because he didn’t have money, and he didn’t want to make Connor stop unless he was hungry, too. He was already the biggest douche for how he’d treated his mom and Jared, and even for the way he’d snapped at Connor last night. He didn’t want to make things worse by being a nuisance on a long road trip.

Connor rolled his eyes when Evan’s stomach growled again. And when McDonald’s came into view, he pulled into the lot and up to the drive-thru.

“Connor,” Evan said firmly, fingers pulling at the hem of his shirt.

“Tell me what you want or I’ll just order whatever.”

Evan opened his mouth to protest, but Connor shot him a look. So Evan mumbled, “Big Mac, Coke and fries, please.”

Connor ordered, then pulled up to the pick-up window. After paying, he passed Evan the sodas, then plopped the bags of food onto his lap. He nodded to the drive-thru worker, then eased the car back into traffic

They ate their food, Connor’s music the only sound other than their chewing. Connor had ordered chicken nuggets and it was... ridiculously adorable. Evan was glad Connor had his eyes trained on the road, because he was grinning like an idiot. 

Evan’s eyes caught on the clock, and he nearly choked on a fry. “Shit.”

“What’s wrong?” Connor asked, glancing briefly at him, then back at the road.

“I just realized the time.. I better ask Jared to cover for me with mom.. if he’s willing..”

**Evan: I know you’re mad at me, and I deserve that. But please cover for me? Telling my mom I’m spending the night at your place.**

**Jared: Where are you really? You weren’t at lunch or any afternoon classes.**

**Evan: Long story. Please? I’m really sorry.**

**Jared: Fine but you owe me**

**Evan: I know.**

Evan sighed, then he sent a quick message to his mom about staying at Jared’s.

**Heidi: Have fun, sweetie!**

Clearly she hadn’t gotten a call from the school yet... He silenced his phone, then pocketed it.

“All good?” Connor asked.

Evan nodded. “For now...” He reached for more fries and realized he’d finished his. He glanced at Connor’s almost full fry container, then snuck a peak at Connor himself. He was busy popping another chicken nugget. So, Evan snuck his hand over and snagged a mouthful of fries.

“Hey,” Connor whined playfully. “You have your own fries.”

Busted

“I _did_... now they’re gone. So I’m eating yours.” He smirked.

Connor rolled his eyes, grabbing his cup of soda and sipping it. “Fry thief,” he grumbled under his breath.

Evan grinned, looking away to hide his blush. He wasn’t sure what, exactly, this friendly banter they were sharing was, or when it had started. But it felt like they’d reached a more relaxed point in their friendship - one where they could more openly tease each other and goof around without worrying that the other would get upset.

It was really, really nice.

And if a small part of Evan was convinced they were actually flirting with each other?

Well, it was wishful thinking. But it wasn’t hurting anything.

Right?


	13. Netflix and Chill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii. I LOVED writing this chapter. Sorry not sorry :) Enjoy!

Connor nudged Evan’s arm, startling him awake.

“Hm? Wassamatter?” Evan mumbled, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

“We’re here, sleepy head,” Connor said, a lilting tease to his voice.

“Here?” Evan sat up, yawning. They were parked on the street outside a bookstore. Evan tilted his head at it. “Oh!”

Connor fiddled with his rings. “It’s cool inside. It’s not just books. They have records and comic books, too. And a coffee shop.”

Evan frowned at the way Connor’s voice seemed to shake a little bit. He glanced at his friend in question.

“Do, uh... is this okay? That I brought you here? I just... I love this place so much. It’s, you know, calming to be here... So, since you were so upset, I just thought it might be, you know...”

He sounded so uncertain, so... maybe not _afraid_. But like he was worried Evan would judge him or be disappointed.

So Evan smiled. “Connor, it’s awesome.”

Connor smiled tentatively back.

When they got out of the car, Evan stretched, arching his back and groaning. He’d fallen asleep in a hunched position, and it felt _so good_ to stretch his muscles. The movement caused his shirt to ride up a little bit. Connor’s eyes fell to the exposed strip of Evan’s stomach. He looked away quickly, motioning Evan to follow him inside.

The place was bigger on the inside than it looked. It had two floors, and stretched back as far as the eye could see.

“They have the newer stuff up front,” Connor said, his voice hushed, as if they were in a library. “But they also have a used book section in the back on the right, plus the comic books have their own section in the back on the left. I’ve found some super rare and first editions here. And then the record shop is upstairs with the coffee shop.

“Wow,” Evan remarked, eyes wide. “This place is... _huge_. And amazing.”

Connor grinned, nodding. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath in. He looked so blissfully happy when he opened his eyes again, turning to look at Evan. “I love the smell of books.”

Evan couldn’t help the surprised chuckle he let out.

Connor blushed. “Sorry, that was stupid,” he mumbled, turning to walk deeper into the store.

Evan grabbed his arm to stop him. “I wasn’t laughing at you, and it wasn’t stupid. Just.. unexpected.” He breathed in, nodding. “It IS a comforting smell.”

Connor nodded, smiling nervously. He motioned for Evan to follow him. He pointed out all the different sections as they went, stopping every once in awhile to point out specific books and cute book-related merchandise - magnets, tote bags, bookmarks, etc. Evan couldn’t believe how incredibly in his element Connor was. It was... adorable.

Evan blushed at the thought. And then he and Connor reached the back of the store, and Evan’s mouth dropped open, just as Connor turned to gage his reaction. Connor grinned at him.

“Told you it was amazing, right?”

Evan nodded, staring around. To the left, it was Comic Book Heaven. Evan had never seen such a huge comic book section in a bookstore, ever. To the right, Evan stared in awe at the rows and rows of used books. And in the middle, right in front of them, stood several locked displays of super rare, super valuable comic books, first edition manuscripts, and signed editions.

They browsed for hours, until the smell of coffee and baked goods upstairs beckoned them. Connor purchased several books, including two books and one comic book that Evan had been eyeing, but reluctantly put back, stuttering out an excuse for why he didn’t _actually_ need them.

“I’m the one who dragged you here with no warning,” Connor explained, as they sat at a table in the coffee shop. “If you’d known, you could have been prepared with more money. So it’s my treat, seriously.”

He sipped his iced coffee, cutting the chocolate chip muffin they were sharing into bite-sized pieces. Evan sipped his hot chocolate, stealing some muffin as soon as Connor was done cutting it.

“Thank you, seriously. I... I needed this,” Evan admitted. 

Connor nodded. He swallowed a bite of muffin, then frowned at Evan. “Wanna talk about it?”

Evan shrugged, picking apart a napkin. “I just had a bad day yesterday,” he finally admitted. “And I took it out on Jared and my mom. I said some.. Well, I wasn’t very nice.” He nibbled a piece of muffin, staring down at the table.

“Hey, you’re talking to the _king_ of saying dumb shit to people while in a mood,” Connor reminded him. “They’ll get over it, don’t worry.”

“I guess,” Evan sighed. “I just feel awful. And... And you’re being so nice when I was a dick to you yesterday, too.” At Connor’s confused frown, Evan added, “in your car last night? When you asked if I was okay and I yelled at you?”

Connor blinked several times, tilting his head to the side a little bit. “That.. that was you _yelling_?” He couldn’t help but snicker. “Ev, trust me, that wasn’t yelling. You snapped a little, yeah, but you weren’t yelling. And you weren’t a dick. Trust me, I would know.” He shook his head, sipping his coffee. He chewed on his straw for a minute before setting it down and shrugging. “If that was the worst of it, then Jared and your mom will _definitely_ -“

His phone buzzed. Three times in a row. He frowned, pulling it from his pocket.

“Shit.”

“What’s wrong?” Evan asked anxiously.

Connor rubbed his face, sighing. “It’s Zoe. The school called my parents about my skipping, and then questioned her about where I was when she got home. My dad is on a rampage, apparently.”

Evan’s lip trembled. “That.. that’s my fault. You skipped because of me. I’m really- I’m sorry. I can explain to your parents what happened.. it’s not your fault.”

Connor shook his head “Nope, I’m not getting you involved with my dad’s bullshit drama. Trust me. I was going to skip today no matter what, it’s not on you.” He took another bite of muffin, looking thoughtful. “I just need to stay gone tonight, then he’ll calm down by tomorrow.”

“You can spend the night at my place,” Evan said quickly. “It’s the least I can do.”

Connor nodded, grateful. “Thanks.”

Evan nodded back at him. They finished their food and drinks, and made their way back downstairs and out to Connor’s car. It was only then that Evan decided to check his own phone - only to discover he had a _ton_ of missed messages from Jared and his mom. _Shit_. He’d forgotten he’d put his phone on silent...

He checked the ones from Jared first.

**Jared: Shit, I think I fucked up.**

**Jared: Where are you? I _definitely_ fucked up.**

**Jared: Dude, answer your damn phone. Your mom messaged me when she didn’t hear from you and I told her you were in the bathroom but she told me to tell you to go straight home when you were done because she wanted to talk to you.**

**Jared: I panicked and said you were out of the bathroom but had fallen asleep (Lame, I know, but I didn’t know what else to say). Guess she didn’t believe me (haha I wonder why) because she came to get you. And... uh... long story short, I think your mom might have just grounded you _and_ me? Like I dunno but... I’m pretty sure Heidi Hansen just grounded me for a week. So...????**

**Jared: No but seriously. You need to message her ASAP or it’s gonna be worse, buddy.**

**Jared: Shit, Evan. For real, answer me??? Now you have me worried that I lied for you and you’re, like, dead in a ditch or something.**

“Shit,” Evan mumbled, sinking into his seat.

“What?” Connor asked, frowning.

“Jared...” He sighed. “The school called my mom, too. And Jared tried to cover for me but she actually went to his house to get me..” He groaned. “This is so not good..”

Connor frowned, tapping the steering wheel. “We could both stay gone tonight, get a hotel room or something. Maybe she’ll cool off if she has a night to sleep on it, too.”

“I can’t aff- I mean, I don’t know. She... I doubt she’ll calm down..” He chewed on his lip.

“I mean, it’s no big deal. I have an emergency credit card. The charge won’t hit till tomorrow or the next day, so my parents won’t be able to figure out where we are,” Connor insisted. “And trust me, I have more experience pissing off parents than you do. A night to sleep on it might calm her down, especially if you send her a text saying you’re fine. Tell her you have a good reason for what you did, and you’ll explain in person tomorrow.”

Evan hesitated, but nodded. “Yeah, okay, if you don’t... If you’re sure. I can’t pay you back..” He was bright red with embarrassment.

Connor waved his worries away. “It’s cool. I know a place that’s cheap but safe.” When Evan made a face at him, he shrugged. “I used to do this a lot, just disappear. My parents never cared as long as I was back within a few days. They started caring after my suicide attempt, though – it was harder to sneak out and stay gone. They only recently started easing up on checking that I was in my bed every night.”

Evan frowned at him. “I’m... I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Connor said lightly. “It’s whatever. You better text Jared back before he has a meltdown and tells your mom the truth, and then you better message her, too.”

Evan nodded. He glanced back at Jared’s text thread. Sure enough, the three little dots had appeared, indicating he was sending _another_ message.

**Evan: I’m sorry, I’m safe. I accidentally put my phone on silent. JUST seeing your messages. Not your fault, my fault. I’ll message my mom right now. Thanks for trying.**

Jared’s only response was a thumbs-up emoji. Evan rolled his eyes, then braced himself for his mom’s messages.

**Heidi: The school called. You skipped class _again_?**

**Heidi: We need to have a talk, Evan.**

**Heidi: Are you still at Jared’s? Come home right now. We need to talk.**

**Heidi: So now you’re _lying_ to me about where you are? What is going on with you?? Where are you??**

**Heidi: Evan, sweetie.. I need you to at least let me know you’re safe. I’m mad, yes, but I’m also worried. Please tell me you’re safe.**

Evan cringed. He hadn’t meant to make everyone worry so much...

**Evan: I’m safe, mom. I’m so sorry for not replying sooner. I promise I had a good reason for skipping class.**

**Heidi: Thank god you’re safe!! Where are you? I’ll come get you.**

Evan frowned. He realized he actually didn’t know what town they were in. Not that it mattered – he wasn’t going to tell her, anyway.

**Evan: I’m.. safe. I’ll be home tomorrow. I promise I’ll explain.**

Evan’s phone immediately started ringing, **MOM** flashing on the screen.

“Shit.. Shit, she’s calling me.. I’m a terrible liar,” Evan said, panicking. “What do I do?”

“Answer it,” Connor said firmly. “It’ll be worse if you don’t.”

Evan’s fingers shook as he hit the accept button and put the phone to his ear. “H-hi, mom.”

“Don’t _hi mom_ me,” Heidi snapped. “What do you _mean_ you’ll be home tomorrow? Evan, I want you home _right now_. Where are you??”

Evan flinched. “I, um.. It’s a ... I mean, it’s a long s-story..” He paused, trying to compose himself. “I promise I’m safe and I promise I’ll explain tomorrow.”

There was a long pause – so long, Evan checked to make sure the call hadn’t dropped. Finally, Heidi spoke.

“Evan, if you aren’t home in the next twenty minutes, I swear, I’m grounding you until you turn 30.”

Evan gulped. “See, that’s kind of... Not possible? Because, um... because I’m.. I’m... two hours away from home?”

“TWO HOURS???”

Connor cringed; Heidi had yelled so loudly, he could hear it all the way over in the drivers seat.

Evan trembled in his seat. 

“Evan, I swear, if you don’t get yourself home...”

Evan took a deep, steadying breath. “Look, I had a _really_ bad panic attack today, okay? And I was a jerk to Jared yesterday and then to you and I just.. I just need some space? Okay? Please? I swear I’m safe right now, and I _promise_ I’ll be home tomorrow. Okay? Please?”

Heidi huffed in frustration, but she relented.

“Fine. But I’m skipping work tomorrow so we can talk, and I want you home _as soon as possible_. Do you hear me?”

“Yeah.. um, I mean, yes, of course.”

Heidi huffed again, like she was trying really hard to calm down and breathe. “I love you, Evan.”

“I love you, too, mom.”

With that, Heidi hung up. Evan pocketed his phone, wincing in frustration and worry. 

“Are you sure you wanna do this whole staying gone thing?” Connor asked, chewing on his lip. “She sounded pretty mad... we could just go home..?”

Evan sighed, shaking his head. “No, you’re right. She needs to cool off, and so do I.”

Connor nodded. “So.. We could either go straight to the hotel and chill, _or_.. Since it’s still early, we could keep exploring? This town is really cool. And then we could, like, get dinner somewhere, or get something to bring back to the hotel. This is a college town, so there’s a _lot_ of great places to eat for cheap.”

“Let’s explore the town,” Evan said eagerly. He wasn’t sure why he was so eager, considering his stomach was in knots over the situation with his mom. But it meant spending more time with Connor, so... “And then we can take food back to the hotel and chill. I have Netflix on my phone if the cable at the hotel sucks.”

“Cool, so exploring the town, then Netflix and chill?” Connor asked, only realizing the implication of his words after it was too late to take them back. “Uh.. I mean, you know, we’ll eat and watch Netflix and, like.. yeah. Chill out. I think we’re both, uh, stressed after... everything..”

Evan blushed, avoiding eye contact with Connor. “Y-yeah.. sure.”

Connor mentally punched himself. He eased the car into traffic and avoided eye contact with Evan entirely. Which Evan appreciated, since his face was bright red at the thought of “Netflix and chill” with Connor.

~*~*~

Connor parked the car closer to downtown. They explored for hours, Connor dragging Evan into every record shop and bookstore – new, used, comic books only, etc – they happened across. They also wandered the little park down by the water. They walked until their legs ached and their stomachs growled, and it was starting to get dark out. 

As they made their way back to the car, Evan’s mind wandered back to Connor mentioning ‘Netflix and Chill’. And he wondered if... Had Connor _meant_ to say it? Or had it been an accident? Maybe he had been _thinking_ it, but hadn’t meant to say it out loud. Or maybe he had.. The more his thoughts wandered, the more Evan drifted closer to Connor’s side. And his hand accidentally (??) brushed against Connor’s. 

And for one second, Connor’s fingers brushed his back. And then, for, like, _half_ a second, he gripped Evan’s hand. Like, _fully_ gripped his hand. 

They were holding hands.

And then Connor let go.

He glanced frantically at Connor, who said nothing, just stared straight ahead. He doubled his walking speed, though, when he his car came in to view. Evan struggled to keep up, but they eventually climbed into the car and drove off.

And, still, Connor said nothing. Not out loud, anyway. His thoughts were racing, though. He’d wanted so badly to know what it would feel like to hold Evan’s hand for a while now, and it had seemed like the perfect opportunity. But now he was wondering if he’d crossed a line. Evan hadn’t said anything, but that was pretty typical of Evan. He might be mad, he might be excited – there really wasn’t any way of knowing. 

Connor tried to push it from his mind. It hadn’t been a big deal, right? Friends could hold hands... Right..? Just a friendly, reassuring squeeze for a friend who was anxious and upset, right?

They picked up food from a Chinese restaurant that got awesome reviews, then headed to the hotel Connor knew about. Evan waited in the car while Connor went to the main office to inquire about rooms. He was back quickly.

“Only one room left. I forgot, the college here is doing their graduation next week, so a lot of the underclassmen are leaving this week. The hotels are all booked up with parents getting their kids packed up to head home.” He rolled his eyes. “At least we managed to snag a room, though. Otherwise we’d be sleeping in my car, and that’s _not_ comfortable, trust me.”

They pulled up in front of the room and got out of the car, Evan grabbing the bag of food. Connor pushed the door open, and they both froze in the doorway.

It was clean enough, that wasn’t a problem. But... the single bed was.

“Shit,” Connor mumbled. “I didn’t even think to ask.. We could find somewhere else?”

Evan felt a quick burst of panic shove its way up, before he shrugged. “It’s, um.. We’ll make it work. I can always take the floor.” 

Connor rolled his eyes. “I’m _not_ making you sleep on the floor. If anything, I’ll sleep on the floor.”

Evan figured there was no sense arguing right now. First, they had to eat because they were both starving. They sat side by side on the bed. Connor unloaded their food from the bag, plopping it all on the bed in front of them. Evan pulled his phone out and held it between them so they could eat and watch at the same time.

A couple times, Connor’s arm brushed Evan’s as he leaned forward to grab food. Evan shivered at the touch. It would be so easy to just... reach out and grab Connor’s hand, like Connor had grabbed his earlier... Evan tightened his grip on his phone instead, pushing the thought away.

After watching two movies and eating almost all the Chinese food, neither boy could hold back their yawns. So they cleared the food off the bed to make room to actually sleep.

“I can take the floor,” Connor offered immediately. “Like I said, I’ve slept on park benches and shit, I don’t mind the floor.”

Evan frowned at the bed for several minutes. What if... Would it be crazy to...? Would Connor freak out on him if he..?? His thoughts were going a mile a minute, and he couldn’t even _think_ in complete sentences.

“Evan?” Connor asked. By his tone of voice, it wasn’t the first time he’d tried to catch Evan’s attention.

“Or we could share the bed,” Evan blurted, before he lost his nerve. He couldn’t read the look Connor gave him – was he upset? Excited (no way, right?)? Mad?

Finally, he spoke.

“Sure, yeah, it’s.. uh, it’s big enough,” Connor agreed. 

They got back on the bed, each as far from the other as they could get, laying on their backs and staring at the ceiling.

It took awhile before either of them could relax enough to fall asleep.

But Evan noticed that Connor was snoring at least twenty minutes before he finally managed to close his eyes.

For some reason, Connor falling asleep first made him... Really excited.


	14. Perfect Opportunity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii everyone. Thanks so much for all your lovely, amazing comments!!!! I'm so glad everyone is enjoying this story - I'm having SO MUCH FUN writing it!!! I hope you enjoy the next chapter... *Grins innocently.*

Evan groaned softly as sunlight filtered through the window. But his bed was _so_ comfy.. It was warm and soft and somehow firm all at the same time. He snuggled deeper into his covers and pillows - and then froze.

That.. wasn’t a pillow. 

This wasn’t his bed...

He slowly opened his eyes, and gulped - he was curled into Connor’s side, resting his head on Connor’s chest. 

And Connor had an arm wrapped around him.

Shit.

He tried to shuffle away slowly, carefully. But it was hard with Connor’s arm around him. He inched away a little bit at a time - and froze when Connor opened his eyes. He smiled at Evan, yawning.

“Morning.”

Evan quickly pulled himself away - so quickly, he rolled off the bed and onto the floor. He yelped in shock, quickly scrambling up.

Connor sat up, frowning at him. “You okay?”

“Mhm, yeah.. yep. Totally. S-Sorry about, uh...” he gestured toward the bed, blushing bright red. “I-... yeah, sorry..”

“Ev,” Connor said slowly, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Chill.”

Evan nodded before quickly looking down and playing with the hem of his shirt. He couldn’t chill. He wouldn’t be able to ever chill. He’d rolled into Connor’s arms at some point in the middle of the night. He’d _woken_ in Connor’s arms. He.. he had practically been _spooning_ him.

Shit.

Connor was being nice, but Evan was sure he was upset. He had to be. 

He finally glanced back up at Connor, who was making a face at him. Evan couldn’t tell what the face meant, though. He probably thought Evan was a freak for last night, and for being so lost in his own thoughts now that he probably looked like he was staring into space like an idiot. 

Shit shit shit.

There was an awkward silence. Connor fidgeted with his rings. It had been so nice waking up with Evan in his arms. He’d felt warm and safe and content.

And now? Now things were just.. Weird and uncertain. He couldn’t tell if Evan was embarrassed or angry or.. Or maybe Evan wasn’t mad or upset... A small, hopeful part of Connor wondered if maybe – just maybe – Evan felt the same way he did. Maybe this was it.. Maybe he just needed to say fuck it, and tell Evan how he felt. Hopefully their friendship was strong enough that if he _didn't_ feel the same way, he at least wouldn’t stop being Connor’s friend...

Connor took in a deep breath, then let it out. “Evan.” He stood, stepping closer to the other boy. “I-“

“Bathroom,” Evan said quickly, running and slamming the door.

Connor sighed, running a hand through his hair in frustration. He grabbed his phone to distract himself from the aching disappointment in his chest. More messages from Zoe, asking where he was and warning him mom and dad were pissed. And a couple from Larry and Cynthia directly, saying he was in a LOT of trouble. He rolled his eyes, shooting a quick message to Zoe that said he’d be home in a few hours.

He was fully dressed, since they hadn’t exactly thought to pack overnight bags and had slept in their clothes. All he had to do was pull on his boots. He stared at the bathroom door for several minutes before knocking.

“Ev, I gotta get in there, too, you know.” 

Evan finally emerged, avoiding eye contact as he scuttled to the bed and started getting his shoes on. Connor stared at him for a minute before going into the bathroom. When he emerged, Evan was standing by the door, the bag of books in his hand. A clear signal he didn’t want to spend any more time in the same room as Connor than he had to. 

Connor slumped, fighting back his frustration. He grabbed his phone and keys and they walked out. Connor unlocked the car so Evan could get in, then went to the office to check out. 

Ten minutes later, they were on the road home.

Evan stared out the window, angry and frustrated with himself. Today had been the _perfect_ opportunity to finally tell Connor how he felt. And he’d chickened out. He’d let his thoughts spiral, he’d convinced himself Connor would hate him. 

He hoped they were good enough friends at this point that Connor at least wouldn’t hate him and would brush it off, say it was no big deal. But that small, anxious (okay, _giant_ anxious) part of him still feared Connor would stop being his friend. And he just couldn’t risk that. He couldn’t lose Connor’s friendship. He couldn’t.

Connor kept shooting Evan anxious looks, but Evan was oblivious. Connor sighed softly. He dug his phone out of his pocket and nudged Evan’s arm. Evan startled, glancing at him, then the phone. He took it tentatively, like he wasn’t sure if Connor was serious about giving it to him or not. 

“Put on whatever music you want,” Connor shrugged. “We have a long drive and I don’t think either of us is looking forward to getting home..”

Evan bit his lip. “Not at all..”

Connor shot him a sympathetic smile. Evan returned it, then turned back to Connor’s phone, shuffling through his music until he found something good and hit play.

He was just about to lock the phone when a text message came through. 

**M: Haven’t heard from u in awhile, principito. Hope ur doing okay after the last time <3**

Evan blushed, quickly locking Connor’s phone and putting it in the cup holder. M? Who was M? What did that message mean? 

He sank deeper into his seat, facing the window again.

“You okay?” Connor asked, frowning. He’d hoped putting on music would break the awkward tension, but Evan looked even more miserable than ever.

“Y-yeah.. I’m fine.”

“You don’t sound fine,” Connor argued.

“Just...” he swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. “Worried about talking to my mom later.”

Connor nodded. “I can... Do you want me to be there? To help you explain?”

Evan glanced at him. For a moment, he considered it. Having Connor by his side made him feel just a little bit more confident, a little more sure of himself. Like he was drawing strength from the other boy. 

But then he remembered Connor was the reason he’d skipped class and gone on an overnight road trip. And he was going to have to be _very_ careful how he explained all that so his mom didn’t get mad at Connor, or tell him he couldn’t hang out with Connor anymore. 

“With how mad she is... Probably not a good idea, but thanks.” Evan ran a band through his hair. “Besides, you have your own parents to deal with. Not fair to ask you to deal with my mom on top of that.”

Connor shrugged. “My parents would ground me if I _blinked_ funny, so I’m not worried about whatever their punishment is going to be, trust me.”

“Still,” Evan insisted. “I think we need to let this blow over before we, like-“ Like what? Evan had no idea where he was going with that thought.

Connor just nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

They fell back into silence, Evan still puzzling over that text message. Who was M? Connor’s... girlfriend? Boyfriend? Drug dealer? Connor hadn’t ever mentioned a girlfriend or boyfriend, though - hadn’t even mentioned any exes, which was frustrating in its own way, because it could have helped Evan solve the question of whether or not Connor liked guys. And as far as Evan knew, he didn’t have any other friends. Yet it sounded like whoever this M was, they’d hung out pretty recently. 

Connor’s phone vibrated again, sounding loud against the plastic cup holder. He grabbed it, scowled at it, then put it back down. Evan tried to discretely get a look at it, but all he saw before the screen went dark again was “...him how u....”

Evan huffed in frustration. Stupid phone. 

“You sure you’re okay over there?” Connor asked, quirking a brow.

“Fine,” Evan mumbled, resting his head on the window. “Just tired.” 

Connor nodded, tapping the steering wheel in time to the music. “Take a nap or something, then.”

Evan shrugged. “Maybe.”

Connor shifted in his seat, stealing more glances at Evan. But he was staring out the window. Connor’s heart sank. He was _definitely_ mad at Connor. He wouldn’t even _look_ at him. 

“Hey, Evan?” 

“Hm?”

Connor opened his mouth to say all the things he’d been bottling up, heart hammering in his chest. But the words wouldn’t come. 

“Can you put on a different playlist? Something... less cheerful?” He finally asked, mentally punching himself for being such a coward.

Evan picked Connor’s phone up, eager for an excuse to read that last text message - which he knew was a shitty thing for him to do. But he needed to know what it said. 

Except when he went to unlock the phone, the message preview had disappeared. And he wasn’t dumb enough to actually go into Connor’s text messages – he knew Connor would be suspicious if messages he hadn’t seen were already read. 

He cursed Connor’s stupid phone, then picked the most depressing playlist he could find, and they both lapsed into silence for the rest of the trip, both stewing in their own frustration.

~*~*~

When they pulled up to Evan’s house, it was just after 1pm. Heidi’s car was in the driveway. Evan steeled himself for the shit storm coming his way..

“Connor.”

Connor glanced at him, looking just as miserable as Evan felt.

“Thanks again. For yesterday. I.. I really needed that. And it was really fun. And I’m sorry you’re going to get in trouble with your parents _again_ because of me.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Connor said dismissively. “Like I said, _nothing_ I do is good enough for them. Being able to say I screwed up and deserve to be grounded is, like, my dad’s favorite part of the day. So.. It’s cool. Just... message me after you finish talking to your mom? Let me know if you’re okay?”

Evan nodded. “Thanks again.” He twisted around to grab his backpack from the backseat, accidentally brushing against Connor’s arm in the process. He pulled back quickly, avoiding eye contact as he shoved the books from the bookstore into it, then climbed out. He waited until he couldn’t see Connor’s car anymore, then turned to walk into the house. He froze when he saw Heidi standing on the front porch.

Evan hesitated before deciding it was better to just get this over with. He slumped into the house, Heidi slamming the door behind them. She stalked into the living room, and he followed behind miserably, circling around until he was at the edge of the living room – close to the stairs - in case this didn’t end well, and he needed to escape to his room.

“Who was that?” Heidi asked, trying to keep her voice calm, but Evan could hear her voice shaking.

“It, um...” Evan bit his lip. ”It-it was Connor.”

Heidi nodded, a strange look on her face. “Explain yourself.”

Evan fidgeted, picking at his cuticles.

“Where did you go?”

“Um. We just... I had a panic attack and, um.. the day before was really stressful, too, so... so... I just, um... We just decided to go on a road trip.” Evan knew it sounded pathetic.

“You... just _decided_ to go on a road trip? You just decided, hey, let’s leave school without telling anyone and drive two hours away and not let anyone know where we are? _And_ you decided to _stay gone overnight_??”

Evan winced. Yeah... hearing it explained _that_ way made it sound even worse.

“Was this your idea? Or Connor’s?”

Evan’s silence must have been answer enough, because Heidi started pacing, rubbing her temples.

“I know he’s your friend, Evan. I’m glad you have a friend, but he’s been nothing but a bad influence on you since you started hanging out. You’ve been skipping class more, not acting like yourself, and I just... I don’t know if I want you two-“

“It’s not Connor’s fault,” Evan cut her off, shaking his head. “I could have... I could have said no. I didn’t have to go with him. I’m responsible for my actions, not him. He’s been... You can’t tell me who I can and can’t be friends with. You’re always telling me you want me to make friends, and then when you don’t like the friend I make, you do this?” He knew he was starting to hyperventilate, but he couldn’t stop it from happening.

“Evan, calm down,” Heidi said cautiously, stepping closer to try to pull him in for a hug, to calm him, but he pulled away. “I- It’s okay, okay?”

He tried to calm his breathing, tried to push his panic down. He didn’t want to have another panic attack. He didn’t want his mom to make him _another_ appointment with Dr. Sherman. He was getting tired of being psycho-analyzed all the time.

“Evan, look at me,” Heidi said firmly. She could see him flinch, but he did as he was told. “You know you can tell me anything, right? I’m here for you, honey. Just talk to me.”

Evan stepped back, glancing behind him at the stairs. He really wanted this conversation to be done.

“Just talk to me, Evan,” Heidi begged. “What’s been going on with you, huh? Tell me how I can help.”

“I’m fine,” Evan snapped. “Just.. drop it, okay?”

Heidi shook her head. “This isn’t like you, Evan. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but this isn’t like you.” She paused, frowning at him. “You’re grounded. Unless you decide to talk to me and explain yourself, you’re grounded for a week.”

Evan tried to blink back the tears in his eyes. “How is that fair? You’re always telling me you care about my wellbeing. You were mad the school for suspending me for doing what I had to after that panic attack, but you’re grounding me now for doing what I had to for this one?”

“This is different,” Heidi argued. “You skipped school and went on a _road trip_ without telling me, with a boy I still hardly know. I didn’t even know he had a car. You were in a car with someone I barely know. I don’t know what kind of driver he is. Anything could have happened!”

“Sure, sure,” Evan said bitterly. “Because _that's_ what this is about. His driving. Not the fact that he smokes weed or that we cut class a few times, even though I’ve _told_ you I haven’t smoked anything, and even though I _didn't_ have to go with him, I _chose to_. I needed a mental health day. Sorry I can’t be a perfect attendance kind of kid.”

“Evan, where is this attitude coming from?” Heidi asked, eyes wide with hurt. “I _love_ you, I’m just trying to look out for you.”

“Yeah,” he said bitterly. “I’m just such a burden on you, right? You always have to look out for me and it’s just _such_ an- an-“ Evan cut himself off, shaking his head. “Forget it. Fine. I’m grounded for a week.”

“You’re _not_ A burden, Evan, are you kidding me?” Heidi demanded. “You’re my son! I _love_ you! And that means I get to worry about you. So, yes. You’re grounded for a week, unless you change your mind and decide to have a _calm_ , mature conversation with me about this.”

Evan glared at her, turning and stomping off to his room. He slammed his door, flopping dramatically onto his bed.

The tears fell immediately.


	15. The Unedited Version

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!! Thanks so much for all the comments and kudos - they mean the world to me! Hope you enjoy this chapter - I'm VERY excited for you to read it :)

By the time Connor pulled into his driveway, it was evening. He’d taken a detour to the park to get high and process everything that had happened in the last few days. He’d stayed there so long that he was sober again. Mostly. 

Wanting to delay the inevitable just a little longer, he sat in the driveway for a few minutes, picking at his nail polish, which was almost completely off now. He sighed in frustration, grabbing his phone to see if he had any messages. He didn’t have any alerts on his lock screen, but he knew he had one message from Miguel from earlier. He figured he could check that, maybe text Ev-

He frowned. He had _two_ text messages? Why hadn’t he seen a notification on his lock screen for it earlier? He opened his texts up and found two from Miguel:

**M: Haven’t heard from u in awhile, _principito_. Hope ur doing okay after the last time <3**

**Miguel: How r things going with Evan?? Have u told him how u feel about him yet?? ;)**

Connor frowned. Why hadn’t he gotten an alert for- Oh shit. He checked the time stamps. The first message had come through on the drive home, around the same time that Evan had been using his phone to put music on.

And Evan had gotten weird in the car..

Shit. Had he seen this? Was that why?? Fuck...

He quickly went into his phone settings and changed them so when a text alert popped up on his lock screen, it showed the name of the person it was from and just said “Text Message” under it. No message preview.

Not that changing it now was going to help if Evan _had_ seen those messages. But it helped going forward.

He glanced up when the outside light clicked on. Larry stood in the doorway, staring out at him, scowling. Connor sighed. Guess this was it...

He reluctantly got out of the car and made his way inside, following Larry to the living room. He stood as close to the doorway as he could, hoping for a quick and easy getaway.

Larry turned and stared at him, arms crossed. Cynthia sat behind him on the couch, lips pressed together. But she didn’t look angry; she looked sad, like she’d been crying. And she kept shooting annoyed looks at Larry. Connor frowned; this was... weird.

Larry opened and closed his mouth several times. “You’re grounded for a week,” he finally said, waving Connor away.

Connor threw him a confused look. Where was the lecture? The questions about where he’d been? Weren’t they going to demand his cell phone and put it in lockdown for the week he was grounded? He glanced at his mom, who nodded and made a shooing gesture. Well, he wasn’t going to question it.. He turned and fled up the stairs.

When he reached the landing, Zoe was in her room... with the door open. Again. She was doing that more and more lately. Connor paused in her doorway, staring at her. He stood there for several minutes before she noticed him. She stared back, frowning.

Connor opened his mouth, then shut it. He shook his head and quickly hurried away, but escaping to his room wasn’t much of an escape without a door. He scowled in frustration, dropping his keys and phone on his desk. He turned to lay on his bed but paused when he saw Zoe standing there. She hadn’t come into his room in _years_.

“What-what did you want?”

Connor swallowed, shrugging. “It’s.. never mind. Seriously.”

“Tell me,” she said softly, stepping closer. “Please?”

“I, um..” he looked down, staring at his nearly naked nails. He chewed on the inside of his cheek, holding his hands up to show her. “Can you, um, can you paint my nails for me?”

Zoe was silent. Connor hadn’t asked her to paint his nails in years...

“It’s cool, whatever, I can do it myself,” he shrugged, when she had been silent for too long. He lay down on his bed, staring at the ceiling. “I have no right to ask after- well, everything. Forget it.”

He felt his bed dip a little bit and he sat up quickly, surprised to find Zoe sitting there.

“Where’s your stuff to-“

Connor stood, walking back to his desk. He opened the middle drawer and pulled out his black polish. Zoe walked over to him and sat on the floor, motioning him to do the same. She prepped the bottle, then held her hand out to him. He hesitated before resting his hand in hers.

She glanced at him, making eye contact, before looking down and getting started. They didn’t speak until she’d finished one whole hand.

“Why?”

Connor looked up, frowning. “Why what?”

“Why did you want my help with this? You can do it yourself, you’ve been doing it for years.” She kept her eyes trained on his other hand, focusing harder than she really needed to.

The truth was, it had been because of Evan. Evan encouraging him to try to fix things. But he couldn’t tell Zoe that, so he just stared down at his lap.

“Are you blushing?” Zoe asked, eyes going wide.

“What? No!” Connor said quickly, shaking his hair into his face to hide it.

“You’re being weird. Weirder than normal,” Zoe said accusingly.

He shrugged. “I, um... I just wanted...” He huffed out a frustrated breath. “We just haven’t... talked in awhile, so..”

“And whose fault is that?” Zoe demanded.

Connor flinched. “I know. I’m.. I’m... a piece of shit, I know.”

“You really are,” Zoe snapped.

“Shit, Zoe, I’m trying,” he snapped back, temper flaring. His eyes darted around, his need to throw something or hit something growing by the second. He was shaking with anger - but at himself, not at Zoe. She had every right to be angry with him. He didn’t want to take it out on her. He closed his eyes, trying to take deep breaths. When he opened them, she was staring at him, a weird look on her face.

“What?” He growled.

“I... You didn’t... You got that look on your face like you were going to throw something or punch something.. But you didn’t..”

Connor shrugged, staring down at his lap again. “I told you.. I’m trying.”

She nodded, going back to working on his nail polish. She was almost done when his phone buzzed with a text. He glanced up to where he’d set it on his desk, but ignored it. It buzzed again.

“Do you want me to...?,” Zoe asked.

“It can wait,” Connor shrugged. “Wouldn’t wanna mess up all your hard work,” he added, nodding at his hands. Zoe nodded, finishing Connor’s nails and closing up the polish.

His phone buzzed twice more. Zoe snatched it off his desk to look at it.

“Zoe, don’t-“ Connor snapped.

“Who’s ‘E’?” She asked, frowning at him. “Is that a drug reference? Is this your drug dealer?”

“What? No!” Connor said firmly, holding his hand out. “Give it back.” He was relieved she at least couldn’t see what the messages said.

“What’s your password?” Zoe demanded.

“Why would I tell you that? Give it back, now!” Another message came through. Connor glanced frantically from the phone to his sister.

“Maybe you should check it, seems like they’re getting kind of frantic. Maybe something’s wrong,” she said, side-eying him, then glancing back at the phone. She tried to keep her voice nonchalant, but her curiosity was getting the best of her. Who could possibly be trying so hard to reach her brother, of all people?

“It’s fine, that’s just how he texts. Now give it back!”

Zoe quirked her brows at him. He froze, suddenly realizing what he’d said. Shit.

“He?” Zoe asked

Connor stared at the ground. “Lab partner,” he mumbled. “We, um, have a project.. thing...”

“You always sucked at lying.” Zoe rolled her eyes. “Wait...”

Connor glanced at her, heart in his throat.

“Those rumors at school..”

“There are rumors?” Connor asked, voice cracking.

“That you’ve been having lunch with someone.”

Connor chuckled, relief filling him that it wasn’t worse than that. Zoe flinched back; she hadn’t heard her brother laugh in so long, it almost startled her more than if he had yelled.

“Oh, is that all? That I’m having lunch with someone? Oooohhh, scandalous,” he snickered. Zoe was staring at him like he was insane. He cleared his throat. “Sorry?”

“Is this guy,” she pointed at his phone, “the same guy you’re eating lunch with? Are you guys friends?”

Connor tried to keep a poker face, but his eyes widened just slightly and he quickly stared down at his hands.

“Wait... are you _more_ than friends?” Zoe asked, eyes widening. “Connor, are you-“

“Sh!” Connor hushed her, glancing at his door-less doorframe. When he looked back at his sister, she had a barely-contained grin on her face. “We’re... we’re just friends, okay?”

“But you want it to be more than that, don’t you?” She asked excitedly.

He blinked at her, unsure how to answer. This wasn’t exactly how he’d imagined coming out to his sister – in fact, with how strained his relationship with his family was, he hadn’t planned on coming out to them at all - but she wasn’t staring at him in disgust or running away from him, so...

“Y-yeah, I think so...” he finally admitted.

“Connor!!!” She squealed, hands flailing a bit.

Connor rolled his eyes. “Would you quit it? I don’t even know if he likes guys. But.. you don’t seem surprised that I do..?”

Zoe shrugged. “I know we haven’t been close in awhile, but I’m not blind.”

“Huh,” was all Connor said. “Just.. don’t tell mom and dad, okay? I’m _not_ ready for them to know, and I don’t even want them to know I’m hanging out with someone. They’d want to meet him, and I’m sure they’d find some way to ruin it and scare him off.”

“Like I’d do that to you?” Zoe asked, rolling her eyes. A weird look crossed her face, and she opened her mouth like she was going to say something, then _she_ blushed and looked away. 

Connor narrowed his eyes at her. “What?”

“Nothing,” she said quickly, shaking her head before looking back up at him. “Wait... is this why you haven’t been home as much? Why you’ve been _blushing_ at your phone so much? Is that where you were the last couple of days – were you with Mystery Guy??”

“You really are more observant than I gave you credit for,” Connor mumbled, dropping his head into his hands, careful of his still-wet nails.

“I’m your little sister, I’m supposed to be all up in your business,” she said with a shrug.

“He’s, um.. he’s actually the reason I-“ he pressed his lips together, shaking his head.

“What?” Zoe pressed. “The reason you what?”

“He’s the reason I, um... this,” he said, gesturing between them. “Why I’m.. trying to.. to fix things with us. He’s the one who told me to try...”

“You guys talk about me?” She asked, frowning.

Connor shrugged. “Not all the time or anything, just..” he huffed. “We were just talking one day about embarrassing shit that’s happened and one thing led to another and I was telling him how I used to help you with song lyrics and how we... didn’t do that anymore. And he said I should try to fix things, and so... here we are.”

“Why do I feel like that’s a heavily edited story?” Zoe asked, narrowing her eyes.

Connor blushed. “Because it is. Now drop it, okay?”

“Why were you talking about embarrassing shit? How did that even lead to a conversation about me? Wait, you didn’t tell him something embarrassing about _me_ , right?”

“No! No, it was-“ He dropped his head in his hands. “Please, don’t make me tell you what happened, Zo,” he groaned, a mental image of Evan naked flashing into his brain. The memory hit harder now that they’d held hands and shared a bed – platonically, but still.

She chewed on her lip, quiet for several minutes. “You know, this doesn’t change what’s happened in the last few years. Like, this is nice but.. I’m not going to forgive and forget overnight. But.. it’s nice talking to you instead of screaming at you – or being screamed at _by_ you - for once.”

Connor nodded. “I know... I don’t expect to be forgiven overnight. I know it’ll take time to gain your trust again. But.. I really am sorry.”

Zoe nodded. “You know what would help?”

“What?” He asked quickly, eager to do whatever was necessary to get his sister back.

“If you gave me the unedited version of that story,” she said with an evil grin.

Connor’s mouth dropped open, and Zoe laughed at the look on his face. He was about to tell her off when a noise startled them both into looking up. Cynthia was in the doorway, staring at them with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face.

“Oh,” she jumped, embarrassed to have been caught. “I’m sorry, I just... I heard laughing and...”

Connor stared hard at his lap, avoiding his mother’s gaze.

“I just... wanted to say goodnight. I love you both.” She gave them a small smile before continuing on down the hallway.

Connor glanced back up at Zoe.

“You owe me that story.” Zoe reminded him, standing up. He scrambled after her. “For now, can I at least get his name?”

“Nope,” Connor responded, using an overly cheerful voice. 

“Seriously? You’re not gonna give me anything??”

“Nope, Connor repeated, grinning this time.

“I wouldn’t embarrass you or anything,” she assured him, rolling her eyes. “Whatever, I’ll figure it out. I have my ways.” She gave Connor an innocent smirk before sauntering out of his room.

“Wait, how? Zoe, what are you going to do??” He called after her, but she didn’t reply. He heard her door close. He sighed, picking his phone back up and swiping open his messages. Evan had sent five messages.

**Evan: I’m grounded for a week. Guess I should have seen that coming, huh?**

**Evan: Guess we won’t be having any sleepovers for a while.**

**Evan: Wait that probably makes me sound like a creeper.. Just meant we won’t be able to hang out much since I’m grounded, so you’ll have to sleep in your own bed.**

**Evan: Wait that still sounds weird. Okay I’ll shut up now.**

**Evan: Sorry for all the messages. Hope your parents weren’t too hard on you.**

Connor snickered.

**Connor: You’re totally not a creeper. I guess we can at least hang out at school, right?**

**Evan: Of course**

**Connor: Cool. G’nite, Ev.**

**Evan: G’night, Connor.**


	16. Maybe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiii. I hadn't planned on posting this yet but I'm impatient and I really enjoyed writing this chapter. So, yeah. Enjoy!!! :)

Connor usually loved Sundays. He didn’t have to be at school. And he could spend the day at the Hansen house, away from his family. Things were slowly getting better with Zoe, and maybe his mom. But he had no desire to deal with his father today.

Except he had no choice. Because he was grounded and everyone was home, making it impossible to sneak out. And even if he could, Evan was grounded, too. As awesome as Heidi was, he doubted she’d let him come over today when he was part of the reason Evan was grounded.

He sighed, slumping back against his pillows. He’d have to settle for hiding in his room (as much as one _could_ hide without a door) and texting Evan.

**Evan: So weird not having you over today.**

**Connor: So weird not being there**

**Evan: My mom is home. I think she took a few days off work to “spend time” with me. Or try to “talk” to me. Not interested, either way.**

**Connor: Don’t be like that. Your mom is awesome and she’s just trying to help and do the right thing.**

Several minutes went by without a response.

**Connor: Sorry, wasn’t trying to, like, scold you. Just don’t want you to end up with a shitty relationship with your mom. I know what that’s like and it sucks.**

“Connor.”

Connor quickly locked his phone and hid it under his blankets, glancing up. It was like Cynthia had been summoned by some Mom Bat Signal, like she knew what he had just said to Evan.

“You’re supposed to be grounded. I convinced your father not to take your phone away in case you had an emergency at school, but you can’t sit in bed and use it all day.” She stepped up to his side and held her hand out.

Connor hesitated. If he didn’t send Evan a message explaining why he couldn’t respond the rest of the day, he’d probably panic and think Connor was mad at him. But if he tried to send a message with his mom _right there_ , she’d ask who he was messaging.

She must have seen something on his face because she dropped her hand and sighed. “I won’t tell him, but you better not let him see you using it or he’ll take it and he won’t give it back until the week is up. If _I_ see you using it again, _I'll_ take it. Got it?”

Connor frowned down at his lap, picking at a hole in his hoodie sleeve. He was trying _not_ to pick at his nails, since Zoe had done such a nice job painting them.

He flinched when he felt his bed shift. Why wouldn’t she just leave him alone? He was feeling tired and frustrated today and he _didn't_ want to take it out on his mother, but if she didn’t leave soon...

“Connor, you know I love you right?” She asked softly. “I know sometimes things aren’t.... Well, we try. I just want you to know that. Your father and I try. And we love you. And-And I’m always here for you, okay? Maybe it’s a cheesy mom thing to say, but I’m on your side.”

Connor blinked back tears, bringing his knees up so he could rest his forehead on them. He didn’t want to have a heartfelt conversation with her. Not today, when his brain was a tangled mess of thoughts.

And then his phone buzzed.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

Dammit, Evan. Such bad timing. Again.

“Is... is someone texting you?” Cynthia asked in surprise.

Connor rolled his eyes, head still on his knees. “Yeah, my drug dealer. Probably pissed I have to cancel our meet-up today.”

“Connor,” Cynthia scolded him. “That’s not funny.”

“Wasn’t trying to be,” he mumbled.

He heard Cynthia sigh, then his bed shifted again as she stood.

“Well, I’ll be downstairs. If you... if you need me.”

He gave it thirty seconds before he looked up. She was gone. He sighed, slumping against his pillows. He pulled his phone back out to check his messages.

**Evan: I know you weren’t. And I know you’re right.**

**Evan: Sorry, just don’t feel like talking to her today. Or ever.**

**Evan: Sorry, I sound like a whiny brat. I just don’t want to talk to her about certain things and I know they’ll come up if I try to explain myself. Just.. too much happening in my brain today.**

**Connor: I get that. You can talk to me, you know**

There was a _really_ long pause before Evan started texting again. Connor stared at the three little dots, chewing his lip.

**Evan: I know, thanks. Sorry I got you grounded. I better go before she sees me texting and takes my phone away.**

**Connor: Same. Already got warned. See you in school tomorrow.**

Connor frowned at his phone. He couldn’t believe he was actually excited to go to school tomorrow.

Although it didn’t escape his notice that Evan hadn’t brought up the hotel bed incident...

~*~*~

Evan sighed, shoving his phone under his pillow.

“Evan, breakfast,” Heidi called from downstairs

“Not hungry,” he yelled back.

“Not asking,” Heidi retorted.

Evan groaned, running his hands through his hair.

“Don’t make me say it again, Evan.”

He huffed in frustration, getting out of bed and throwing on pajama pants. He tried to steel his nerves at the top of the stairs, then slumped down to the kitchen.

Heidi placed a plate of food in front of Evan, then herself. She went back for a cup of coffee, bringing Evan the orange juice container. He poured half a glass and sipped it, staring down at his plate, shoving his food around with his fork.

“You need to eat,” Heidi scolded.

Evan shrugged. “Not hungry.”

“Evan, come on,” Heidi said after watching him play with his food for another ten minutes. She set her fork down. “You’re really starting to worry me. Talk to me.”

Evan shrugged again. But he felt his chin tremble.

“I know it might not _seem_ like it, but I’m on your side, bud.” She frowned at him. “I just want to know what’s bothering you so I can help you.”

Evan gulped. Maybe.. Maybe he just needed to come clean. Maybe telling her would make things better. Maybe she’d have some suggestions for helping him buck up the courage to tell Connor how he felt...

Maybe.

He glanced up at her, picking anxiously at his cuticles. He opened his mouth to speak-

And then the doorbell rang.

Evan’s jumped, eyes wide as he stared in the direction of the front door, then at his mom. His walls were back up. The moment was gone. Heidi huffed in frustration, shoving her chair back to answer the door.

“Hi, Mrs. H!” 

Evan frowned towards the door. What was Jared doing there..?

“Evan’s grounded,” Heidi reminded him. “He can’t hang out.”

“I’m _so_ sorry, I know he is, but it’s just...” Jared shifted his weight from one foot to the other, making himself look as miserable and pathetic as possible. “We have a project for Spanish due tomorrow and I really need his help. I promise we’ll just get our project done and I’ll leave.”

Heidi frowned. “Fine. But keep the door open. I don’t want to hear you two talking about _anything_ but Spanish, got it?”

Jared nodded, grinning at something behind Heidi. “Hey, buddy!”

Heidi turned to Evan. “Project and done, got it? And we still need to talk.”

Evan nodded, then made his way upstairs, Jared following. Evan sat on his bed, while Jared claimed the desk chair. He rolled it closer so he wouldn’t have to speak as loud, pulling his Spanish books out of his bag so they could at least pretend to be working on a project.

“What are you doing?” Evan hissed. “You know I’m grounded.”

“Did you really think I was patient enough to wait until tomorrow to hear what happened the other day?”

Evan hesitated only a second. “Nope, true.”

Jared smirked and nodded. “Yeah, so, okay. What happened?”

Evan frowned at his door, wishing he could close it. He turned back to Jared.

“Wait.. you’re not mad at me anymore? I mean, I know you covered for me but I figured you’d still be mad.”

Jared waved him off. “You were a dick but I overreacted. Whatever. So what happened? Where were you?”

“I, um... I was with Connor.”

Jared cackled with glee. “Oh my god wait, you guys spent the _night_ together?? Gimme all the details. Leave _nothing_ out. Remember, you’re a terrible liar.”

“Shh! My mom will hear you. And it wasn’t like that!!” But Evan couldn’t help the blush that crept over him.

“Evan, seriously...” Jared pushed.

“Okay.. okay... We, um.. we stayed at this hotel and there was only one bed-“

“Oh my god,” Jared cackled. “Such a cliché rom com trope.”

“Okay... But so we had to share it-“

“Cause neither of you prima donnas could sleep on the floor, okay, cool.”

Evan blushed. “He offered but I suggested we share-“

“You whore!” Jared cackled.

“Jared, come on!” Evan begged. “It was platonic. We were fully clothed and on separate sides of the bed. Um, well... we were...”

Jared quirked a brow at him.

“Well...” Evan took a deep breath. “I sort of woke up, um... in his... in his arms..?”

Jared’s cackled. “Oh my god!! Did he kick your ass? Or did you two lovesick puppies fu-“

“I don’t hear any Spanish coming from in there,” Heidi scolded as she passed Evan’s room on the way to her own, arms full of clean laundry.

Evan’s eyes went wide. He stared at Jared with absolute panic in his eyes. “Ohmygoddoyouthinksheheardwhatweweresaying?” He asked in a rush.

It was a testament to how long they’d been friends that Jared actually understood Evan when he spoke that fast.

“Chill, bro. She probably didn’t hear _enough_ to get what we were saying. Besides, I’ve been telling you for _years_ to just tell her you’re bi. Heidi Hansen is The Best Mom Ever. She truly wouldn’t even care.”

“You’re sweet, Jared, but I still don’t hear any Spanish in there,” Heidi called as she passed by on her way back downstairs

Jared cackled, turning to stare at Evan, whose eyes were comically wide. “Well, shit. I told you that wouldn’t be that bad!”

“I think I’m gonna puke,” Evan mumbled, dropping his head into his hands.

“Okay, well, I’ll give you time to process all that,” Jared said after a few minutes, when it became clear Evan wasn’t going to start talking again. “But you owe me the rest of that story at some point.”

Evan watched as he packed his stuff up, spluttering helplessly. “Don’t leave.”

“Awww, dude, I know I’m awesome, but I have places to go, things to do, video games to play.”

Evan rolled his eyes. “Once you leave, my mom’s gonna wanna talk about... _everything_.”

Jared shrugged. “She clearly doesn’t care. So what’s the big deal?”

“It’s... not just that. It’s... She’s going to ask about the other day and where I was and what if she asks about Connor and-“

“Dude, there’s nothing to tell since you’re too chicken shit to tell the guy you like him. You’re just friends. That’s all you have to say.“  


Evan glared at him. “Gee, thanks, easy as that.”

Jared snorted, waving as he left the room.

Evan sucked in a breath, glancing at his doorway, fully expecting Heidi to be standing Right There. But she wasn’t. He burrowed into his pillows, deciding to hide in his room for as long as she would let him.

~*~*~

Connor frowned at his phone. Evan hadn’t answered any of his messages, and it has been hours since he’d sent them.

“Connor.”

He startled, dropping his phone into his lap. Cynthia stood before him, arms crossed.

“What did I say about your phone?”

He gritted his teeth, grabbing his phone and stuffing it under his blankets, tucked close to his body.

“Connor,” she said firmly, holding her hand out.

“No,” Connor said flatly, turning so his back was to her. He pulled the covers all the way up, gripping his phone tight against his body.

“Connor,” she said again, sounding frustrated now. “I warned you. Now give it to me.”

“Fucking. No.”

“ _Connor_!”

He ignored her. Maybe if he ignored her, she’d go away. Maybe if he ignored her, he wouldn’t say anything else he regretted. Maybe he wouldn’t hurt her any more than he already had.

Maybe.

He heard sniffling and the soft patter of footsteps on carpet, and he knew she’d left.

In tears.

Great.

He shifted forward, reaching up to rummage in his night table drawer, his hand curling around the blade he kept there.

“What the hell happened, Connor?

He dropped the razor back into his drawer and slammed it shut, looking up at Zoe. “What?”

“Why did mom run out of here in tears??”

Connor sighed, rolling so his back was to Zoe. “Leave me alone.”

“No,” Zoe snapped, sitting on the end of his bed. “You’ve been trying so hard. I’m not letting this happen. What did you say?”

Connor shrugged his shoulders, refusing to answer and refusing to look at her. She poked his shoulder. When he didn’t respond, she did it again. And again. And again.

“Zoe, fucking stop!” Connor snapped, rolling over to swat her away, eyes burning with tears.

For the first time in years, his yelling at her didn’t even make her flinch. She just crossed her arms and shook her head. “Nope, not until you tell me what happened,” she said stubbornly.

He huffed in annoyance, sitting up against his pillows. He glared at her. “She caught me using my phone earlier and told me if it happened again, she’d take it, since I’m grounded. And then she caught me again. But I refused to give it to her. And...” He swallowed, picking at his comforter. “I might have snapped at her pretty bad over it...”

Zoe sighed. “Were you texting Mystery Boy?”

“Oh my god, Zoe,” Connor groaned, dropping his face into his hands.

“You were, weren’t you?” She rolled her eyes. “Well, I get it. I get why you didn’t want to give your phone up. But you _are_ grounded.”

“I _know_. Okay? I’m a shitty person, I know. You don’t have to remind me.”

“Connor, come on,” Zoe said gently. “You.. Okay, yeah, you kind of are.”

Connor glared at her. “Gee, thanks?”

“But,” she said quickly, “I get it, okay? But you owe her an apology.”

“I know,” Connor grumbled. “I’m not... I’m bad at apologies.”

Zoe stood, shrugging. “Well, you’re working on it. And a crappy apology is better than no apology.”

Connor sighed, nodding. After she left, he pulled his phone from under the covers and frowned at it. Still nothing from Evan. He groaned in frustration, rolling over and pulling the covers over his head.


	17. Blue Heart Emoji

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiii. Umm... I have no idea what to say because I'm sleepy, but here's a new chapter! I love reading your comments, they make me grin and giggle, so please leave more! And hope you enjoy this chapter! :)

When lunch came and went and Heidi still hadn’t checked on him, Evan decided it was time to grow a pair and go downstairs. His heart was pounding a mile a minute in his chest as he slowly made his way to the living room. He found his mom sitting cross-legged on the couch, laptop in hand. She glanced up as he approached. He shifted nervously, picking at his already raw cuticles. When it became obvious that he was kind of just frozen in the doorway, Heidi patted the couch.

He took a step back, like he was going to bolt back upstairs. 

“Evan,” she said gently, patting the couch again.

He stared at the floor for a long time, fighting the urge to run upstairs and hide. Heidi didn’t speak or push him, just waited patiently. Finally, he took a deep breath and stepped forward, sitting beside her on the couch. She turned so she was facing him, taking his hand in hers.

“I love you.”

Evan glanced up at her. “I know. I mean.. I love you, too.”

Heidi smiled. “I’m.. I’m sorry.”

“You’re... What?” He asked, startled. “What are _you_ sorry for? I’m the one who screwed up..”

“For earlier. I wasn’t eavesdropping, I promise. I was just walking by and Jared is-“

“A loudmouth?” Evan huffed. 

Heidi chuckled, but nodded. “He’s not exactly subtle. Or quiet.”

Evan sighed, dropping his head into his hands. 

She rubbed his arm. “We don’t have to talk about it until you’re ready. But we _do_ have to talk about you skipping class and going on a road trip without permission.”

Evan chewed the inside of his cheek, staring at his lap. “I-I know.. I’m sorry. I just... I can’t, um.. I just can’t explain... everything... without, um... Without talking about what you overheard.”

Heidi nodded. “I had a feeling it was all connected.”

“You... knew? That I was.. Um..” Evan paused, chewing harder on his cheek.

She shrugged. “Evan, you’re my son. I know you better than you think I do. I’ve wondered for awhile, but I didn’t know for sure.”

Evan’s mouth dropped open. “But... why didn’t you say something?”

“Why didn’t you?” She shot back, but with an amused chuckle in her voice. “Sweetie, it wasn’t my truth to tell. It was yours. I wanted to let you come to me when you were ready.”

“Oh,” he mumbled, looking down at his lap again. 

“Which is also why I’m sorry I overheard Jared. And responded like I did, instead of just pretending I hadn’t heard anything. I didn’t mean to take that from you.”

Evan shrugged. “Honestly, it took the pressure off. So..”

Heidi squeezed his hand. “Well, then I’m glad.”

“I, uh...” Evan cleared his throat. “The thing is.. I was, um.. My mood the other day? It was because...” He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. This was it. He could tell her about Connor now. 

Only he couldn’t. 

He just wasn’t ready. Especially when Connor didn’t like him back – what was the point in bringing it up?

“Because.. I’d just had a bad few days and I took it out on Jared and then you and I just.. I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “I’m so sorry for how I spoke to you.” He shook his head. “Connor realized how upset I was, I guess, and he wanted to cheer me up, so we just... left. And I know I should have told you and I’m sorry. And then his parents were really mad he skipped, so he wanted to stay gone to give them time to cool off, and I told him he could spend the night here. So-so we _did_ plan on coming home that night. But then I got your messages and I... I panicked.”

Heidi pursed her lips. She knew he was leaving something out, but she didn’t press him on it. 

“So then we decided to just.. stay gone. So-so we stayed at a hotel. So.. Yeah.. I’m just.. I’m sorry.”

Heidi sighed, shaking her head. “Okay, well... I’m still upset you skipped school and _left town_. But.. It sounds like you really had a bad few days.” She rubbed his back soothingly. “You’re still grounded, but we’ll make it three days instead of a week, okay? But promise me something?”

Evan glanced up at her, a question in his eyes.

“No more skipping school, okay? If you’re having a bad day and need to come home, just tell me.”

Evan nodded. “I promise.”

Heidi pulled him in for a hug. She could feel his shoulders relax, could feel the tension leave his body. When she pulled back, he had tears in his eyes.

“I’m gonna.. nap,” Evan said, standing. He was almost to the stairs when he paused and turned back around. “Thank you. For everything.”

Heidi smiled, nodding. He smiled tentatively back before escaping back upstairs to his room. He collapsed on his bed, legs shaking like he’d run a mile. He grabbed his phone, only to discover several messages from Connor. He quickly typed back a response.

**Evan: Sorry, I was talking to my mom. Went better than I thought. I’m still grounded, but she reduced my sentence to three days. Gonna try to nap, though. That conversation took a lot out of me. Hope you’re doing ok! Talk later :)**

~*~*~

Connor bit his lip, staring at Evan’s message for a long time. His brain was going in a million different directions, and he couldn’t form an actual response, so he just sent a black heart emoji. Then he panicked because it was only the second time he’d sent a heart emoji to Evan. And this time felt different than the last because of everything that had happened. 

Evan didn’t respond, which only made Connor panic more. What if Evan was mad now? They could have brushed off the hotel bed incident as just an accident – people couldn’t control what they did while asleep, right? But sending a heart emoji was intentional. What if he just wanted to forget the hotel thing, and Connor was reminding him of it, and now he was really done with Connor?

Connor shoved his phone under his pillow and stood, pacing his room. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a full-blown panic attack; usually, his depression was worse than his anxiety, and his anxiety presented as anger or paranoia. But he could feel the panic bubbling up in his chest. He was hyperventilating a little bit, and his chest felt tight. 

His feet pulled him from his room before his brain had fully decided on his next move. He just prayed she was alone...

And she was. His mom was sitting on the couch, reading a book. Larry was nowhere in sight. 

Connor stumbled on his way into the living room as he struggled to get to her before he completely broke down.

Cynthia looked up, eyes wide. “Connor? Is everything alright?” she asked, worry in her voice. 

Instead of answering, he laid down on the couch beside her, dropping his head onto her lap, fighting to control his breathing. Cynthia quickly put her book down, rubbing Connor’s back with one hand and running her fingers through his hair with the other. 

That was all it took. He started sobbing – big, wracking, uncontrollable sobs.

“Oh, Connor,” she said softly, “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay.”

Larry paused in the living room doorway, eyes widening as he took in the scene unfolding before him. Cynthia frowned at him, shooing him away. If Connor saw him, he’d shut down again. And this felt.. Like a major break-through. And she wasn’t going to lose this moment. When Larry didn’t move – seemingly frozen in the doorway at the sight of his son showing such emotion – Cynthia cleared her throat and shooed him away again. This time, he took the hint and quietly made his exit.

It took several minutes of rubbing his head and back, of soothing words, before Connor’s sobs finally turned to sniffles. After another couple of minutes, he sat up and threw himself into her arms. Cynthia sucked in a shocked breath, but held him tight. He buried his face in her shoulder, sniffling some more, before finally pulling away entirely. Without a word, he stood and walked back upstairs. 

Cynthia stared after him, her mind a mix of emotions .The last few months had been such a rollercoaster. She sighed, wishing Connor would just let her in and talk to her. But he’d had moments – like the one just now – that made her hopeful. She recalled Zoe’s words the last time Connor had done something like this; that night he’d come home smelling like weed and had hugged her. The first time he’d hugged her in years.

Maybe Zoe was right. Maybe Connor was slowly coming back to them.

~*~*~

Connor sank onto his bed, legs shaking. He had almost forgotten how draining a panic attack could be. _Almost_. He sat quietly on the edge of his bed, guilt wracking him. He felt like he was treating his mom like a yo-yo - yelling at her one second, then hugging her the next. It wasn’t fair to her.

On top of the hurt he was causing his mother, he’d also hurt Evan. Or made him mad. Or disgusted. He wasn’t really sure. All he knew was he was a complete asshole. And _he_ was the one who deserved to hurt - not his loved ones.

He reached into his night table, pulling out his blade. He glanced at his door before pulling his hoodie sleeve up and making a few choice cuts. He winced, pressing a rag to them until they stopped bleeding. He cleaned the blade, put everything away, then swung his legs around so he could lay on his back.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat like that - ten minutes, a half hour, an hour. But he was pulled from his thoughts by Zoe’s voice in his doorway.

“Connor, dinner,” she said.

He quickly shoved his hoodie sleeves back down. “Not hungry.”

“Con-“

“I fucking mean it, Zoe,” he snapped. “Please..” He huffed, shaking his head. “I-I don’t want to... I’m sorry, I don’t want to snap at you, I’m sorry. Please just leave me alone before I say something I can’t take back and ruin everything.”

She frowned, but nodded and left him alone.

He scrubbed his hands over his face, trying to wipe away the fresh tears. He was on a roll - Evan, his mom, Zoe. Next he’d be snapping at his dad (not that he really cared about that..) and Miguel (who he still hadn’t messaged back).

It felt like no matter how hard he tried, he always failed. He always hurt everyone. He was a shitty person, and nobody deserved his bullshit.

He was ready to curl into a ball and sleep. He was so mentally and emotionally exhausted, and no longer looking forward to school tomorrow.

~*~*~

Connor startled awake. The house was quiet. He glanced at his clock. It was after 8pm already. He was surprised he’d managed to sleep for so long. That panic attack must have taken more out of him than he’d thought.

He pulled his phone out from under his pillow, fighting a yawn as he pressed the home button. He swallowed hard, sitting up against his pillows.

He had a message from Evan.

He unlocked his phone, finger hovering over his text message app. He was afraid to read it.. But not reading it wouldn’t change what it said. He held his breath, clicking into the message.

**Evan: Sorry, I fell asleep. Guess that talk with my mom took a lot out of me. See you in school tomorrow!**

Connor stared at the message for a long time. He couldn’t believe his eyes. At the end of the message? A blue heart emoji.

He gripped his phone so tightly, he fingers went white. What did this mean? Was he just being nice? Was he humoring Connor? Making fun of him?

He scrambled off his bed and walked quickly down the hall to Zoe’s room. He knocked frantically on her door until she opened it.

“Connor, what-“

He shoved his phone in her face. “What does this mean??”

“I think it means he likes you,” she said with a smirk.

“But... but.. Did you see the messages before? What he said and what I sent? I sent him a heart before. What if... what if he’s just humoring me? Or making fun of me?”

Zoe frowned. “I highly doubt that, Con.”

“But how do you _know_??”

“Does he _seem_ like the kind of person to do something like that?”

“I... I don’t think so. No. He doesn’t have a mean bone in his body.”

“Then he likes you,” she shrugged.

“But.. But then...” Connor shook his head. “You’re wrong. I really think he’s just humoring me.”

“I mean, you know him better than I do,” Zoe admitted. “But I know _you_ better than you do.”

“What does that even mean?” Connor asked, frustration coating his voice.

“It means you’re an idiot.” She rolled her eyes, closing her door in his face.

He scowled, stomping back to his room.


	18. Goth Punk Mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiii. New chapter!!! Sorry this update took longer - I work retail and we JUST opened back up to the public so I've been working more and tired. Anyway, enjoy! :)

“You’re quiet this morning.”

Connor glanced at her, then back at the road, shrugging. He couldn’t shut his brain up. He was still thinking about Evan’s text message from the night before. What did it mean? Had Evan meant to send it? Was he just humoring Connor? Or was he getting a good laugh at Connor’s expense? He really didn’t think Evan would do that, but he WAS friend’s with Jared Kleinman, and that dude was an asshole. It wouldn’t surprise Connor if Jared had put Evan up to this whole thing; Evan wouldn’t on his own, but if Jared had bullied him into it, threatened to not be his friend anymore if he didn’t...

Connor shook the thought away as they pulled into the school parking lot and got out of the car.

“Wanna talk about it?” Zoe asked, struggling to keep up with Connor, who seemed determined to put as much distance between them as possible.

“Not really,” Connor said flatly. 

“Are you thinking about Mystery Boy?”

“What part of ‘not really’ did you not get?” Connor huffed.

Zoe shrugged. “I think you’re over-thinking this whole thing. Just tell him how you feel. It seems like he feels the same way.”

“How would you know? You don’t even know him,” Connor snapped.

“You’re right, I don’t know him, sorry,” she said quickly.

Connor stopped short, turning to glare at her.

“What?” she asked innocently.

“You gave up too easily.. What are you planning?”

“Nothing,” she shrugged. “Seriously, _nothing_ ,” she insisted, when he continued glaring at her. He scowled; he didn’t believe her _at all_ L. But they were going to be late, and he didn’t need the lecture his dad would give him if he made Perfect Zoe late to class. So he turned away and continued the walk across the parking lot in silence. 

When they entered the building, Connor grumbled that she’d better not be late getting to the car after school. He really didn’t want to hang around any longer than was necessary. Especially if this didn’t go well...

She nodded, taking a few steps in the direction of her locker. As soon as Connor’s back was turned, though, she trailed after him as stealthily as she could.

Connor paused when he reached the hallway where Evan’s locker was. Evan was there, bag clutched in his hands as he stuffed away the books he didn’t need, and grabbed the ones he did. Someone jostled him from behind and he jumped a mile, blushing and mumbling what looked like an apology. He seemed to shrink into himself as he turned back to his locker. Connor’s heart broke at the sight of Evan apologizing for something that wasn’t his fault. But it _did_ convince him that Evan wasn’t mean enough to try to trick him or set him up for public humiliation.

So he steeled his nerves and walked over to him.

“Hey,” Connor said, as softly as he could, so Evan wouldn’t jump. Evan jumped anyway, eyes going wide with fright until he realized it was just Connor, then he broke into a smile.

“Oh, hey,” Evan said. “How, um.. How are you? Your parents weren’t _too_ hard on you, were they? I’m so sorry if they were. You really shouldn’t keep getting yourself in trouble for ME. I’m not worth getting in trouble for.”

“I beg to differ,” Connor huffed. He paused. Evan was staring at him with wide, confused eyes. Connor cleared his throat. “I mean, it’s cool. Really. That’s what friends do, right? Help each other out when they need-“

“Hey, Connor!” 

Connor jumped as Zoe wrapped an arm around his middle. She grinned up at him. “How’s my favorite big brother?”

“I’m your _only_ big brother,” Connor snapped. “And you are _so_ dead.”

Zoe stuck her tongue out at him, then turned to a wide-eyed Evan. “Hi! I’m Zoe,” she said, sticking her hand out to shake his.

“I know,” he said quickly, his hand going out to meet hers, before he pulled it back and wiped it on his jeans. “I-I mean.. I’m Evan.”

Zoe nodded. “Hmmm.” She glanced at Connor, mouthing “E?” at him, before flashing another grin at Evan. “Nice to meet you.”

Evan nodded, but he seemed incapable of forming words anymore. So Zoe turned back to Connor.

“Sorry to interrupt. Forgot to mention that I have jazz band practice after school, so you don’t have to wait for me.” The look she gave him was filled with such mock innocence; Connor couldn’t help the growl of frustration he let out.

“You couldn’t have mentioned this on the drive over?” Connor demanded.

Zoe smirked. “I forgot,” she shrugged, before turning her grin on Evan. “Nice meeting you,” she said cheerfully. She gave Connor one more Look before turning and walking away. 

Connor glared after her, before turning back to Evan.

“What was _that_ all about?” Evan asked, eyes still wide with alarm.

“It...” Connor shook his head. “THAT was my sister being a nosy bitch.” 

Evan frowned, feeling like he was missing something. But the warning bell rang before he could say anything more. 

“See you in English,” he said, smiling at Connor before heading down the hall.

“See you,” Connor said softly, watching him go. He sighed, slamming his head into Evan’s locker.

~*~*~

“I hate pop quizzes,” Evan groaned as they exited their English classroom later that day. “I have enough anxiety without the anxiety that comes with a pop quiz.”

Connor snickered. “It wasn’t _that_ bad, though.”

“Did Connor Murphy just _laugh_? Has hell frozen over? Are pigs flying?”

Connor glared up at Jared. “I can make _you_ fly, Kleinman. All the way into those lockers over there.”

“Always so violent,” Jared said with a shake of his head. “Take some deep breaths and find your happy place, dude.”

“Or I could punch you repeatedly,” Connor said cheerfully. “That would make me happy.”

“Awwww, so sweet that I make you happy,” Jared shot back. 

“Guys,” Evan groaned, “Come on, stop fighting.”

Connor frowned at Evan, but immediately stopped insulting Jared.

“We’re not fighting,” Jared shrugged. “Just some.. friendly banter.”

Connor rolled his eyes, but kept his mouth shut, for Evan’s sake.

“So _anyway_ ,” Jared said, cracking his knuckles. “My parents are opening our pool this week, and it’ll be ready this weekend if you wanna come hang out on Saturday.”

“Sure,” Evan shrugged. “It’s been really hot the last few days, so that sounds fun.”

Connor shifted uncomfortably, edging away and disengaging from their conversation. He tried to set his face into a neutral expression, but it was hard to keep a poker face just then; he’d been hoping to spend some time with Evan that weekend, since both their groundings would officially end on Friday. But, as usual, the universe hated Connor, and he’d have to settle for being alone at home.

“You know,” Jared said, staring pointedly at Connor. “It’s rude not to respond to an invitation.” 

Connor glanced up at Jared, eyes weary. “What?”

“Are you coming Saturday or not?” Jared asked. “I’m not gonna ask again.”

“I... You’re inviting _me_?” Connor asked, glancing from him to Evan, then back.

“Uh... Ya?” Jared asked making a face. “Would I invite Evan and not you, when you were standing _right there_?”

“Oh, so it was a pity invite because I overheard it?” Connor demanded.

“No,” Jared said flatly. “I asked it while you were _both_ standing here because I wanted to invite you _both_.”

Connor hesitated. Why would Kleinman invite _him_? They weren’t even friends.. What if he had something planned? Some trick? And besides that... Connor scratched his forearm through his hoodie sleeve, then crossed his arms protectively. “I... can’t.” With that, he took off, ducking his head to avoid eye contact with anyone.

Evan frowned after him.

“What the fuck was that all about?” Jared asked, rolling his eyes.

“I don’t know.. I’ll talk to him at lunch, I guess.” He sighed and waved to Jared, heading off to his next class.

~*~*~

But Connor wasn’t at lunch. And Evan didn’t pass him in the halls at all the rest of the day. It wasn’t until the end of the day, when Evan was at his locker, that Connor appeared at his side. His eyes were slightly red, and he smelled faintly of weed.

“Need a ride home?” he asked Evan.

“Oh... Yeah, sure, thanks,” Evan replied. He closed his locker and trailed after Connor. 

Once they were in Connor’s car and driving, Evan broached the subject again.

“Are you sure you can’t come to Jared’s? He’s got a _giant_ pool, and his dad is great at barbecuing – as long as you don’t mind Kosher hotdogs,” he said with a grin. “And I don’t know if you like video games, but-“

“I can’t,” Connor said stiffly, gripping the steering wheel.

“If this is about Jared, I’ll make sure he doesn’t act like an ass,” Evan reassured him. 

Connor shook his head. “It’s.. it’s not..”

“Oh,” Evan mumbled, picking at his cuticles. Connor noticed; his hand darted out and grabbed one of Evan’s, pulling it away. 

“Stop hurting yourself,” Connor demanded. 

Evan stared at their joined hands, gripping a little tighter when Connor tried to pull away. Connor glanced at him, then their hands, then back at the road. He gave Evan’s hand a squeeze.

“I just think it would be great if you and Jared spent some more time together,” Evan said, voice shaking slightly. He was holding Connor’s hand. He was holding Connor’s hand, and Connor was letting him.

 _He probably just doesn't want you picking at your cuticles again_ , Evan thought to himself. Out loud, he said, “It would just be great if you guys got along. You’re my best friends.”

“We’re your _only_ friends,” Connor said dryly.

Evan flinched, pulling his hand away and turning to look out the window.

Connor frowned, missing the feeling of Evan’s hand in his. “Ev, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I just...” He fell silent. He couldn’t explain it. He couldn’t tell Evan the real reason he didn’t want to go swimming. “I’ll... I’ll be there,” he finally mumbled.

Evan glanced up at him. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Seriously. It’s.. I get it. It’s fine. I wouldn’t want to spend time with me, either, if I were you.” He tried to laugh it off, like he was joking, but the laugh was strained and self-deprecating.

Connor scowled at him. “It’s not you I don’t want to spend time with, it’ Kleinman. But I _do_ want to come, I promise.”

Evan nodded, still not sure he believed him. “Okay, cool. You can come over to my place any time that morning, and we can walk over whenever Jared wants us there. He’s only, like, two houses down from me.”

“Cool,” Connor said, tapping the wheel nervously. He pulled up to Evan’s house, glancing at Heidi’s car, then Evan. “Your mom won’t be mad I drove you home, right? I mean, with both of us being grounded and me being the reason you’re grounded?”

Evan shook his head. “No, we came straight home from school. Thanks again, though, for the ride. I hate taking the bus...” He opened the door and got out, leaning in to look at Connor. “Talk later?”

“Yeah,” Connor said quickly. “I’ll text as soon as I can. I just have to make sure my parents don’t catch me and take my phone away.”

Evan nodded. “Cool. Talk later, then.” He backed away and closed the door. Once Connor’s car had disappeared down the road, he slipped into the house, hoping to sneak upstairs.

“Not so fast.”

Evan winced, sighing. He turned around, slumping into the living room.

“Was that Connor?” Heidi asked, setting her laptop down.

“He just gave me a ride home,” Evan said quickly. “Straight from school to here.”

Heidi nodded, crossing her arms. “Okay. So how was school?”

“We had a pop quiz in English,” he sighed. “I think I did okay.”

“Anything else?”

Evan shook his head. “Nothing of interest.” He hesitated. “But.. Um, Jared invited me over to go swimming on Saturday. I was hoping.. I mean, I won’t be grounded anymore, so.. If it’s okay..?”

“Sure,” Heidi said with a smile. “That sounds fun!”

Evan forced himself to nod and smile. “Well.. homework,” he said, turning and running up to his room. He collapsed into his desk chair. He wasn’t sure why he’d left out the part where Connor was also invited to Jared’s house. He hadn’t exactly lied, he’d just... omitted a small part of the story. For no reason at all.

~*~*~

“So.”

Connor jumped, glancing at his doorway. Zoe stood there, smirking at him.

“Oh my god,” Connor groaned, laying back down and placing his hands over his eyes. “Go away.”

The bed shifted, and Zoe sprawled across his legs, pinning him to the bed. 

“So. Evan Hansen, huh?”

He sighed, finally looking at her. “I hate you.”

She snickered. “No, but.. Seriously?? Evan Hansen? I wouldn’t have pictured him as your type.”

“Why not?” Connor snapped, nerves on fire. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Zoe frowned at him. “Connor, stop. I know where your brain is going. I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that.. You’re Elphaba and he’s Glinda. You’re a goth punk mess, and he’s.. a fluffy puppy.”

“He’s not a Golden Retriever, Zoe.” He rolled his eyes. “Although I’ll take that Elphaba thing as a compliment – she’s a badass. So thanks for that, at least.”

Zoe snickered, smacking his leg. “You _wish_ you were a badass. I’ve seen you cry over spilled milk.”

“I was _high_ ,” Connor argued. 

“Mhm,” Zoe nodded. “Sure. Whatever excuse you wanna come up with.”

“Fuck you, Zoe,” he snapped, but he was grinning, shaking his head in mock frustration.

Larry paused in Connor’s doorway, ready to tell him off for cursing at his sister, but he froze upon hearing them laugh. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d heard his kids laugh together... They were so busy laughing, in fact, that they hadn’t even noticed him yet. So he quietly snuck back out of the doorway, making his way downstairs to Cynthia.

“My reading glasses?” Cynthia asked him.

“Yeah..” Larry nodded.

“Larry?” 

He glanced at her. She frowned at him.

“You went upstairs for my reading glasses..?”

“Shit,” Larry sighed. “I’m sorry, I... forgot.” When Cynthia quirked a brow at him, he shrugged helplessly. “I just... Zoe and Connor.. They were.. _laughing_. Together. They were in Connor’s room and they were... they were laughing instead of screaming at each other..”

Cynthia smiled softly, nodding. “Not the first time.”

“What do you think is going on?” Larry questioned. “Did he do something..? Is she blackmailing him into being nice to her?”

“Larry,” Cynthia scolded, rolling her eyes. “Is it that hard to believe your kids are bonding?”

“Yes.”

Cynthia chuckled. “Give them some credit. Connor’s trying. Zoe and I have seen him trying.”

“Huh,” Larry mumbled, nodding. But it was still hard to believe. He hadn’t seen Connor smile in so long...


	19. I Don't Trust Him At All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii guyyyssss. This chapter is the start of... a VERY wild ride. Sorry not sorry? ENJOY!!! :D

The week flew, and before Connor knew it, it was Saturday morning. He wasn’t exactly sure how he was going to get away with sneaking out when both his parents would be home, especially considering he was _just_ coming off a week-long grounding. He’d considered telling his mom the truth. He’d been on his best behavior - except for skipping some classes on Monday - and he was positive she’d let him go if she told him the truth - she’d be so happy he had a friend he was going to hang out with.

But he just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t tell her about Evan. He still didn’t even like that Zoe knew Evan’s identity, although she hadn’t said anything since Monday night, when she first teased him about it.

He could lie and say he had a group project meet-up, but he didn’t think they’d believe him. He hadn’t had a group project meet-up on a Saturday in at least three years.

He groaned, dropping his head in his hands. He was going to have to cancel on Evan. Not that he wanted to go anyway, but he still felt like he had a pit in his stomach at the idea of canceling.

“Connor, do you feel alright?”

Connor’s head snapped up. Cynthia stood before him, looking concerned. He opened and closed his mouth, fishing for something to say. But the words wouldn’t come.

“What is it?” Cynthia asked, frowning. “Talk to me, baby.”

“I.. I..” He pressed his lips together, staring at his lap.

“Connor, I’m on your side,” Cynthia insisted. “Talk to me, sweetie.”

“No,” Connor snapped. He winced, wishing he could take it back. He hated himself for snapping at her.

Cynthia flinched. “Every time I think you and I have taken a step forward...” She shook her head, turning away before Connor could see the tears in her eyes.

Connor stared after her. He wasn’t entirely sure why he couldn’t just _let_ himself open up to his mother. He punched his pillow, angry at himself and frustrated with everything.

Until his phone vibrated with a text. He perked up when he saw Evan’s name on the screen.

**Evan: Come on over. Jared said we should be there around 11 :)**

Connor chewed his lip, tasting blood. He still didn’t want to go swimming. But he wanted to see Evan. He glanced at his door, frowning. He had no alternative ideas; it was going to be the old “I’m leaving, fuck off,” routine. He huffed, jamming his feet into his boots, zipping his hoodie, and stalking downstairs.

“I’m going out,” Connor growled as he passed his parents in the living room. “Don’t wait up.”

“Connor!” Larry snapped, jumping up to chase after his son. But Cynthia grabbed his arm and held him tight until the front door had slammed shut. He sank back down. “What was _that_?” He demanded.

“I think he was trying to ask me if he could go... wherever he’s going,” she explained, shrugging. “It was like he wanted to, but he couldn’t. I... I can’t explain it, Larry. But I think he’s trying. And I think we need to trust him.”

“Trust him? Trust the boy who skips class, smokes weed, and has tried to kill himself? Cynthia, I don’t trust him at all.”

Cynthia frowned at her husband. “Well, you haven’t seen what Zoe and I have the last few months, Larry. He’s had these moments...” She threw her hands up in frustration. “I just... please trust me on this?”

Larry shook his head. “Fine. But if he does something stupid, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He paused, frowning. “I still think Zoe’s blackmailing him to be nice to her.. Can’t be any other explanation..”

Cynthia glared at her husband, setting back against the couch. But she couldn’t help but stare after Connor with concern.

~*~*~

Connor parked in Evan’s driveway and got out. It was only the first week of a June, but the heat was already oppressive.

He knocked on Evan’s door, and Evan opened it immediately. Connor was almost positive Evan had been watching for him. He grinned, stepping inside.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Evan said softly, smiling. “I just have to grab my stuff and we can walk over.”

Connor nodded, staring after Evan. He couldn’t help it when his eyes drifted lower, admiring Evan’s.... swim shorts. Connor cleared his throat, looking quickly away.

Evan came back, holding a pool bag. “Ready?”

Connor nodded, not trusting himself to speak. They stepped outside, locked up, and started walking.

“Aren’t you hot?” Evan asked, then blushed bright red. “I-I mean, um... it’s June and, like, 80 degrees and you’ve still got that hoodie on.”

Connor stiffened, staring straight ahead and pressing his lips together.

Evan frowned at the look on Connor’s face, but dropped it. They walked in silence until they got to Jared’s. Evan paused at the pool gate, frowning at the other boy.

“We can leave at any point if you aren’t having fun. Just let me know. Maybe we need a secret code, like.. um...”

Connor couldn’t help but grin. Did this anxious boy have to be adorable? It made it so much harder...

“Chill, Ev, it’s fine. Believe me, if I want to leave, I’ll let you know. And even if I do, it doesn’t mean you have to.”

Evan hesitated but nodded, and he led the way.

Jared was running towards the diving board, gaining speed, as they stepped up to the pool.

“Don’t fall on your face, Kleinman,” Connor called out as Jared’s feet hit the board.

Jared startled, twisting around to see who was yelling at him, just as his foot went over the edge of the board. He flailed his arms, but couldn’t regain his balance. He fell forward hard, doing a belly flop into the water. He came up spluttering, gasping in pain. Connor snickered. Evan smacked his arm, which just made him snort.

“You’re dead, Murphy,” Jared gasped, as he breached the surface, grabbing onto the ledge of the pool and glaring up at them.

Connor snickered down at him, shrugging, before traipsing over to the lounge chairs and collapsing into one.

Evan blinked down at Jared. “You, um... you okay?”

“Oh yeah, totally,” Jared grumbled, pulling himself out of the pool and shaking off.

“Hey!” Evan squealed, stepping back.

“You won’t melt.” Jared rolled his eyes.

“What the fuck, Kleinman?” Connor snapped upon hearing Evan cry out.

“Oh, he’s fine, Murphy,” Jared snapped back at him.

“Don’t fight with him, please,” Evan begged. Jared scowled but jumped back into the pool. Evan sighed, making his way over to Connor. He set his bag down on one of the lounge chairs, then kicked off his flip-flops and - after just a moment of hesitation, peeled off his shirt. He tried not to blush, or look in Connor’s direction, but he could definitely feel Connor staring at him. He fidgeted before finally turning to Connor.

“You coming?”

Connor shrugged. “Later.” Evan frowned, but nodded. He slathered on some sunscreen.

“Can you, um, can you do my back?” Evan asked, his voice cracking.

Connor gulped, but stood, squeezing sunscreen into his hands. He stared blankly at Evan’s back for a minute, willing his brain to stop malfunctioning, then reached his hands out and slathered it on. He wasn’t sure if he imagined Evan’s shiver or not as he rubbed up along his shoulders, then down his arms and across his lower back, his fingers dangerously close to the hem of Evan’s swim trunks.

Connor choked, quickly sitting back down and wiping his hands on a towel.

“T-thanks...” Evan whimpered, refusing to look at Connor. He quickly made his way to the pool. Connor watched him go, biting his lip to keep from making any inappropriate noises.

Jared gave Evan a very pointed look as he neared the pools edge.

“Shut up,” Evan grumbled. He knelt down, dipping his fingers in to test the water.

“Wimp,” Jared rolled his eyes, grabbing Evan’s arm and yanking him in. Evan yelped, going head first into the pool. He flipped head-over-heels under water before breaking the surface. He gasped and spluttered, coughing up water.

“You’re a dick,” he gasped, glaring at Jared, who was laughing so hard, he choked on some pool water.

Connor stood from his lounge chair, glaring over at Jared.

“Oh my _god_ , he’s _fine_ ,” Jared assured Connor, rolling his eyes. Connor glared at him again before sitting back down. “Your boyfriend is overly protective”

“He’s _not_ my-“ Evan coughed, gagging on more water. He glared at Jared, lowering his voice. “Stop it, I swear, Jared.”

Jared shrugged, grinning wickedly.

After that, they swam mindlessly, taking turns making impressive dives and jumps. At one point, Jared climbed up on top of the pool cabana roof. Evan begged him not to, but in true Jared Kleinman fashion, he simply cackled and jumped. The splash was bigger than a cannonball, rocking Evan into the wall and drenching Connor, who scowled but didn’t say anything.

Evan rolled his eyes at Jared, then swam along the length of the pool, stopping when he was across from where Connor sat. He rested his arms on the hot pool deck.

“You sure you don’t wanna come in? It’s, like, 90 degrees out now. You’ve gotta be hot in that hoodie.”

Connor frowned. “I’m fine.”

“But.. I mean, I know Jared’s a jerk, but it’s nice in the water. We can tag team him, too, and try to drown him,” he added jokingly, grinning.

“Really, I’m good.”

“Don’t know how to swim, Murphy?” Jared asked as he floated by on a pool float.

“Jared,” Evan huffed. He frowned at Connor, who was clenching his jaw tight.

“Don’t worry, Murph, we’ll save you if you drown,” Jared cackled.

“And if I don’t want to be saved?” Connor shot back, quirking a brow.

Evan wasn’t sure if he was kidding or not. “Come on, I promise I’ll punch Jared if he tries to drown you,” he laughed.

“I didn’t bring swim trunks.”

“How did you _not_ bring trunks when you _knew_ you were gonna be swimming?” Jared questioned. “Unless you wanna skinny dip,” he snickered.

Connor stood, towering over them. He looked ready to snap, but just shook his head and started to walk away.

“Jared, you ass,” Evan snapped, hauling himself out of the pool and running after Connor. “Hey, wait!”

Connor paused, but didn’t turn around. Evan tried to make eye contact with him, but Connor was staring down and letting his hair curtain his face.

“Sorry, this was a bad idea,” Connor mumbled, wincing at how robotic his apology sounded.

“No, it’s fine. Jared’s just an ass. Look, you could always borrow some of Jared’s swim trunks, if you want. Or I have extra. I promise neither of us has cooties,” he chuckled.

Connor shook his head, trying to walk around Evan. “I have to go.”

Evan stepped in his path, heart pounding. “Please, I’m so sorry. This is my fault. I’ll get Jared to shut up. Or we can leave, if you want - go back to my place and watch movies. I just-“

“No, just move,” Connor growled, trying again to get around him. Evan blocked him again.

“I’m sorry, don’t leave. You don’t even have to-“

“I fuckin’ said _move_ ,” Connor snarled making eye contact with Evan long enough for Evan to see the tears in his eyes. Evan was so startled, he moved aside just enough for Connor to stalk past him. He slammed out the gate and disappeared.

“Well, shit.” Jared jumped out of the pool and ran to his friend’s side. “Are you okay, dude?”

Evan nodded, lip trembling. “I-I don’t... what did I do?”

Jared shook his head, glaring after Connor. “The guy is psycho, I swear. Come on.” He led Evan to a lounge chair and made him sit. He grabbed them both waters from the cabana fridge, then sat on the chair beside him.

“He was crying...” Evan murmured, frowning.

“Crying over what a jerk he is? Cool.”

“No.. he was really upset about something. I- it’s my fault he snapped, I should have moved. He asked me to move. I should have.”

“Evan,” Jared snapped. “You didn’t deserve to get screamed at just because you wouldn’t move. All he had to do was step around you like a normal person.”

“He tried,” Evan admitted. “I kept moving into his path so he wouldn’t- I just didn’t want him to leave. I thought this would be fun.”

“You can’t blame yourself, Evan,” Jared said firmly. “The dude is a psycho. It’s in his nature.”

Evan sighed. “You don’t get it, Jared.”

Jared shrugged. “M’kay, fine, whatever. Defend him.”

Evan watched Jared as he made his way back to the pool. He sighed, leaning back in the chair and closing his eyes. This was supposed to be fun.. what the hell had happened?

~*~*~

Connor stomped into Miguel’s house, grateful his mom’s car wasn’t there, and went right up to Miguel’s room, his temper boiling just under the surface.

Miguel glanced up from where he was laying on his bed, comic book in hand, just as Connor kicked his garbage can over, and shoved his desk chair violently across the room. The chair hit his dresser and something shattered as it hit the floor.

“Cool, destroy my shit, you drama queen,” Miguel grumbled.

“I am _not_ a fuckin’ drama queen,” Connor snarled, kicking the dresser several times, then yelping in pain and hoping around on one foot.

“Oh, really? Huh.” He went back to reading his comic book. “Lemme know when you’re done. Weed stash is refilled, so have at it.”

Connor huffed, limping over to the window and dramatically dropping to the floor. His hands shook as he grabbed a blunt out and lit it. He glanced at Miguel every few puffs, but Miguel pointedly ignored him.

It wasn’t until he was almost done with his joint that Miguel finally sat up and stared at him.

“Done?” He asked, quirking a brow at Connor and surveying the damage.

Connor scowled at his lap, mumbling an apology.

Miguel shrugged. He stood, stretching, then made his way over to Connor and sat, lighting his own joint. “Wanna talk about it? Or the fact that you’ve been ignoring my messages for the last few weeks?”

Connor dropped his head into his hands. “Sorry, I’m not very good at this friend thing. Clearly. I treated you like shit and I treated Evan like shit.”

“Ah, there it is,” Miguel nodded. “What did you do this time?”

Connor hesitated.

“Can’t help you if you don’t tell me, _principito_.”

Connor reluctantly explained what had happened. When he was done, he groaned in frustration. “He’ll never forgive me. How do I keep fucking up so spectacularly?”

“Caged tiger,” Miguel shrugged. “But, like, he’ll forgive you.”

“No, he won’t,” Connor huffed. “If I had _any_ hope before, I’ve ruined it now.”

“Connor.”

Connor startled, glancing up. Miguel rarely used his first name, usually opting to use his nickname instead.

“You need to go talk to Evan. Actually talk to him. He knows you tried to kill yourself, yeah? And he didn’t run when you told him. So give him a little bit of credit and tell him about your scars. Better yet, show him. And if he still doesn’t run, then you know you can trust him.”

Connor frowned. “But if he runs... then I’ve lost a really good friend. And... and maybe more than just a friend? I don’t know.. I still don’t even know if he likes guys, so it’s pointless to pine over him. But.. I... I’m scared.”

Miguel sighed, shuffling closer and pulling Connor in for a hug. Connor sank gratefully into it.

“Let your walls down, _principito_. Be real with him. I think he’ll surprise you.”

Connor sniffled, breathing in Miguel’s familiar, comforting scent.

“Oh, one thing before you go, though,” Miguel added lightly.

“Yeah?”

“You’re cleaning up this mess you made.”


	20. You're Safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiii. Just gonna apologize now for the Angst Train you guys are about to board for the next few chapters. It's gonna be a wild ride. I promise a HEA. But for now, buckle up and ENJOY :D

Connor stared at Evan’s front door for ten whole minutes before finally knocking.

When Evan opened the door, his eyes widened in shock. “Oh... Hi?”

“Can I, uh... Come in?”

Evan nodded, stepping aside. He closed the door behind them, then made his way to the living room. He sat down on the couch, eyeing Connor nervously. Connor hesitated before sitting next to him, twisting so he could face Evan. They sat that way for a long time, neither speaking. 

“Shit, I’m bad at this... At apologies.. But..” Connor sighed. “I’m sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have... snapped at you.”

Evan nodded. “It’s fine... Do you wanna talk about it? You know, whatever ‘it’ is that’s bothering you..?” Connor stared at the floor. Evan hesitated, then rested a hand on Connor’s shoulder. Connor jumped, finally looking at him. “Connor, whatever it is.. You’re my best friend; I’m here for you. I promise.”

Connor shook his head. “See, that’s it, though... Once I tell you, you won’t _want_ to be my friend. Which, I’m a freak, so.. fair. But...” He dropped his face into his hands, huffing out a breath, trying not to cry.

“You’re not a freak,” Evan scolded. “Stop saying that about yourself.”

“It’s true, though,” Connor mumbled.

“Okay, well, fine. But I’m a freak, too, so...” Evan shrugged. “So I have no room to judge.”

Connor snickered. “No, you’re not. But thanks.”

“I am, too,” Evan argued.

“No, you’re perfect-“ Connor cut himself off, eyes widening. He continued staring at the ground, refusing to meet Evan’s eyes. 

“I’m far from perfect, but okay,” Evan rolled his eyes. “But seriously. You’re my best friend, Connor. I’m not going to make fun of you or judge you or walk away, just because of whatever you tell me.”

Connor sighed. “Okay.. But don’t say I didn’t warn you...” He bit his lip. “Um.. Do you remember how we talked about... Remember how I... I tried to kill myself?”

Evan frowned but nodded. He watched in confusion as Connor unzipped his hoodie, revealing a black t-shirt underneath. He stopped there, his hands shaking so hard, he had to grip his knees to steady them.

“Connor...” Evan verbally nudged.

Connor glanced up at him, looking terrified, then quickly shed his hoodie, crossing his arms in front of his body protectively.

Evan frowned. He’d never seen Connor without his hoodie. “It’s weird seeing you without that thing on,” he laughed softly, trying to break the weird tension. But he choked back the laugh when Connor looked up at him, tears in his eyes. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh, I was just... I was trying to lighten the... I’m sorry.”

Connor shook his head, took in a deep breath, let it out. He looked away from Evan so he wouldn’t have to see the disgust in his eyes, and then he held his arms out, palms up.

Evan sucked in a breath. Scars - some faded white, some a newer pink color - littered both arms, from wrist to elbow. He even had a few cuts that looked fresh, anywhere from a few days to a few weeks old. Evan reached out shaking fingers to trace some of the scars and cuts, but Connor flinched away.

“Hey,” Evan said softly, scooting closer. “Connor-“

Connor curled into himself, trying to hide, but Evan wasn’t having it. He nudged Connor until he looked up. And then he leaned in and wrapped Connor in a hug. He felt Connor trying to pull away, and held tight.

After a minute, Connor relaxed into Evan’s arms. It felt good. Damn good. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d hugged someone who wasn’t his mom or Miguel. Evan was warm and soft, and he smelled good. And he hadn’t looked away in disgust or kicked Connor out when he’d seen Connor’s arms.

After a few minutes, Evan pulled back. “So that’s why... you didn’t want to swim?”

Connor nodded. He chewed his lip for a minute. “There’s... more. On my, um.. my thighs? And I guess my swim trunks would hide them, mostly.. But there was no hiding the ones on my arms...” He still refused to make eye contact with Evan.

“Well, now you can go swimming with us next time,” Evan said lightly.

Connor finally looked up at him, tilting his head in confusion. Evan shrugged. “I’ve seen them, I don’t care. It doesn’t change my opinion of you. Life is shitty sometimes. And I have no room to judge-“

“What? You haven’t..?” Connor frowned. “Have you ever..? I mean.. I didn’t see any scars when-“ He blushed furiously, looking away.

“Uh.. no. No I’ve never done that,” he mumbled, blushing red at the memory of Connor seeing him naked. “Um... I...“ Evan shook his head. “My point is, I’ve seen them now, and I don’t care. I mean, I care that you hurt yourself. I’m so sorry you were hurting so much that you felt you had to do that. But they’re not ugly or gross and you don’t have to be ashamed.“

Connor shook his head. “Okay, you’ve seen them. You don’t care. But Kleinman-“

“I’ll make sure Jared doesn’t say anything, okay? I promise.”

Connor hesitated, but nodded.

“I can text Jared right now and we could head back over there. Or we could hang out here and just order pizza and watch movies,” Evan suggested.

“Uh... Can we just..?”

Evan nodded, handing Connor the pizza menu. “Whatever you want to order is fine.”

“Thanks, Ev.”

“Anytime. What are friends for?”

Connor nodded. “Right, sure.” He felt like he had a hollow pit in his stomach. It was the third time Evan had emphasized they were just friends. It hurt more each time he said it.

~*~*~

They were halfway through their pizza and their third movie when Heidi came home. Connor didn’t miss the look she gave them, but he couldn’t read what it was exactly. It was gone, replaced with a smile before he could really contemplate it.

“Hey, boys. Evan, I thought you were going swimming at Jared’s?”

“We did,” Evan said quickly. “Earlier. And then Jared had to help his parents with stuff, so Connor and I decided to come back here and hang out.”

Heidi nodded. She glanced at Connor, frowning, then away. “Okay, well, I’m gonna go upstairs and do some work. Have a good night, boys.” She smiled at them before disappearing upstairs.

“She hates me,” Connor mumbled miserably.

" _What_? Of course she doesn’t!” Evan insisted. “Why would you think that??”

“Didn’t you see the way she looked at me?”

“She’s not happy we skipped class and went on a road trip without telling her. But she’ll get over it.” He paused, frowning. “She _has_ been acting weird, though, ever since I-“

Evan choked on his words. He’d been about to say, “since I told her I was bi.” But not only was he _so_ not going to go there with Connor, but he also didn’t think him being bi was the reason his mom had been acting weird. Which was... strange. Because normally his anxiety would be screaming at him, telling him that’s _exactly_ why she was being weird. But for the first time in a long time, he shut his anxiety down; he was certain, without a doubt, that she wasn’t being weird because of that.

Except his anxiety still won in the end, because if she wasn’t being weird because of _that_ , then why _was_ she being weird..?

“Ev?”

Evan jumped, startled from his thoughts. He glanced up at Connor.

“O-oh... Um. Sorry.”

“What’s wrong?”

Evan opened and closed his mouth, then shook his head in shame.

“Come on, I just showed you my scars, you can tru- Oh shit.”

Evan frowned. “What?”

Connor grabbed his hoodie from where he’d dropped it, pulling it back on. “Shit shit shit. I wasn’t wearing it when your mom came in. Is that... do you think that’s why she was weird? Did she see my...?” He gulped, feeling his chest tighten with anxiety.

Evan shook his head, eyes wide. “I-I don’t know... I mean, I don’t know if she SAW. But I don’t think that’s why she was acting _weird_. She’s been weird this whole week.”

But Connor didn’t look convinced. He looked ready to panic. In fact, Evan was almost positive Connor _was_ having a panic attack; and though he’d had plenty of his own, he had _no_ idea how to calm Connor down. What helped him might not help Connor. And Connor was _definitely_ starting to hyperventilate. Frantic, Evan did the only thing he could think of.

“MOM!”

In a matter of seconds, he could hear Heidi’s running footsteps.

“Evan! What’s-“ She glanced at Connor, who was gasping for air, eyes squeezed shut, shaking. Heidi looked over at Evan, alarmed. But then her Maternal Instincts took over. She walked slowly up to Connor and knelt before him, careful not to touch him or startle him

“Connor, sweetie,” she said gently. “Connor, look at me, okay?” He slowly opened his eyes, his breathing jagged and gasping. She put her hands out, palms up. He hesitated before taking them. “Breathe with me, Connor, okay? In one, two, three. Out one, two, three. Okay?”

Connor nodded, chest tight. He tried to blink away the tears forming in his eyes, face red from humiliation. He couldn’t believe he was having a panic attack in front of a Evan and Heidi.

“Good, good. Again, okay? In one, two, three. Out one, two, three.” She let go of one of his hands so she could stroke his hair. He flinched away. She stopped, but kept his other hand held tight. “Okay, it’s okay. You’re safe, Connor, okay?”

That did it. His chin trembled, and tears blurred his vision. It was rare for him to feel safe, in every sense of the word. He was always tense, always on the defense, waiting for the next attack. But this was Evan and Heidi. They weren’t out to get him, they weren’t going to hurt him or make fun of him.

“You’re safe, Connor,” Heidi repeated gently. “It’s okay. Just breath, sweetie.”

Connor shook his head, collapsing forward into Heidi’s arms. Heidi held tight, rubbing his back. After several minutes, his sobs turned to sniffles.

“Why don’t you go up to Evan’s room and rest, okay?” Heidi asked gently. Connor nodded into her shoulder, and mumbled what sounded like a “thanks” before pulling away and shuffling upstairs, refusing to look at them as he went.

Heidi waited several minutes before taking Connor’s place on the couch and frowning at Evan. “What happened?”

“He was...” Evan hesitated, but decided telling the truth was the best course of action this time. “He didn’t have his hoodie on when you came home, and he was worried you saw...”

Heidi nodded. “I did, actually. I was going to ask you about that later, after he’d left.”

“I didn’t know...” Evan admitted. “Not until today. It’s why we left Jared’s early..”

“Yeah, we’ll discuss _why_ you didn’t tell me Connor was going to be there later,” Heidi sighed. “But what do you mean? Why did you leave Jared’s early?”

“Connor refused to go swimming. I couldn’t figure out why. He left, really upset. And-and then he came here a few hours after and he showed me... He said that was why. He didn’t want us seeing his scars because he thought we’d be disgusted. And then when he thought YOU had seen them, too... And he’s convinced you hate him, anyway-“

“ _What_? Why would he think that?”

Evan shrugged. “You seemed weird when you came home... He thought it was because of him.”

Heidi sighed, shaking her head. “I don’t hate him. Not at all. I’ll talk to him later, after he’s calmed down. He can spend the night, if he wants. Or I’ll take him home, if not. I don’t want him driving by himself after a panic attack that bad. Why don’t you go check on him?”

Evan nodded. He paused, throwing himself into Heidi’s arms. “Thanks, mom.” She hugged him back, kissing his head. 

He found Connor in his room. He was lying on top of the covers, and had Evan’s teddy bear clutched in his arms. 

“Hey, you okay?”

Connor shrugged.

“She doesn’t hate you.”

“Did she see...?” When Evan nodded, Connor sniffled, burying his face in the teddy bear.

“She’s not disgusted, either, Connor. In fact, she said you can stay over tonight if you want. Or she can drive you home-“

“No,” Connor snapped. Evan frowned at him. “I just... if she drives me home, my parents will ask way too many questions.”

Evan nodded. “She won’t let you drive alone after that panic attack, though. So spending the night it is.” He picked at his cuticles. “Well, I’ll let you rest, okay? I’ll just be downstairs-“ He turned to go.

“Ev..?” Connor mumbled, his voice shaking.

“Yeah?” He glanced back. Connor was staring at the teddy bear, refusing to look up at Evan.

“Can... can you... um.. stay?”

There was a beat of silence. Evan nodded, throat dry. “S-sure. I can sit at my desk and-“

“No...” Connor paused, rubbing the teddy bear’s soft paw between his fingers for comfort. “Um... with me..?”

Evan’s heart started pounding hard in his chest. But Connor needed him, and he wouldn’t abandon his friend just because his gay panic was telling him this was a _bad_ idea and Connor would hate him when he came to his senses. He lay down beside Connor, who rolled onto his side and curled into Evan, resting his head on Evan’s arm. Evan froze, scared to move.

“Thanks,” Connor mumbled, sounding sleepy. “You’re a good friend.” His hand snaked down and captured Evan’s.

Evan squeaked. “I’ll always- I’m here for you, Connor.” He gave Connor’s hand a squeeze. Before he knew it, Connor was snoring lightly.

~*~*~

Evan startled awake. He frowned at the buzzing near his hip. He glanced down and realized it was Connor’s phone, tucked into his front pocket. It was buzzing incessantly with text messages. Yet, somehow, Connor was still asleep.

Evan gulped. He didn’t want to invade Connor’s privacy, but he didn’t want the vibrating phone to wake him. And what if it was important?

Carefully, Evan reached for Connor’s pocket, inching the phone out. Connor groaned, flopping an arm across Evan’s chest and burying his face in Evan’s shoulder. Evan froze, eyes widening, but Connor didn’t wake up.

Evan quickly punched in the code and went to Connor’s text messages. Several from his mom and Zoe, all demanding to know where he was. Evan chewed his lip for a minute before finally opening the message thread from Zoe.

**This is Evan Hansen. We met at school. Connor is hanging out with me. He fell asleep though. I don’t think he wants your parents to know though?**

Evan hesitated before sending the message. There was a long pause. Finally, Zoe responded with “ok” and nothing else.

He closed the thread, then frowned. Connor was asleep... Evan could go into his message thread with “M” and find out who they were. He could check his photos for pictures he might have saved with exes. He could- 

No. No he couldn’t invade Connor’s privacy like that. He quickly locked the phone, reaching blinding behind him to drop it on the night table. Then he relaxed back onto the bed, frowning at Connor. He was curled so close to Evan, every part of their bodies was touching. Evan blushed. He knew how exhausting and draining a panic attack could be. It was probably just because of that. He wasn’t going to get too hopeful.

~*~*~

Evan must have fallen back to sleep, because the next thing he knew, someone was nudging him awake.

Heidi stood before them, arms crossed. She had a weird look on her face. Evan rubbed sleep from his eyes, his tired brain refusing to comprehend what she could possibly be making a face at.

“It’s time for dinner, Evan. I ordered Chinese for all of us, okay?”

Evan nodded, yawning. He shifted to move off the bed - then realized he couldn’t move. Because Connor was still curled into him, arm flopped across his stomach, legs tangled with his. Evan’s eyes widened in panic. He glanced sheepishly at Heidi, but she had already turned and was walking out of his room.

Evan poked Connor’s arm. It took a few tries, but Connor eventually groaned and rolled onto his back, blinking gritty eyes up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on Evan’s ceiling.

“My mom got Chinese for dinner.”

Connor sighed, sitting up. He ran his hands through his hair, wincing when his fingers caught in some tangles.

“Um... Connor?”

Connor glanced at him, visibly tensing.

“Don’t be mad...” He held Connor’s phone out to him. Connor furrowed his brow, but Evan spoke quickly, cutting off his potential questions. “I’m sorry, it was buzzing like crazy and-and I know what your parents are like, and I didn’t want anyone worrying, so-so I just messaged Zoe back. I know you guys are getting along better, and she knows we’re friends, and I figured she wouldn’t tell your parents if I asked her not to, and I was _really_ vague about what happened, so-so-“

“Ev,” Connor said firmly, taking his phone and pocketing it. “It’s fine. Thanks.”

Evan blinked, surprised Connor wasn’t mad. “O-oh.. You’re welcome.”

“I can’t believe I- I had a panic attack in front of you and your mom,” Connor mumbled, hiding his face in his hands.

“You _know_ I’m not going to judge you for that, Connor, come on,” Evan reminded him. “And neither will my mom. She’s seen me have enough panic attacks - hell, she’s calmed me down from most of them.”

Connor huffed. “I guess... still embarrassing.” He frowned, remembering what had actually set his panic attack off. “I can’t believe she saw...” He unconsciously scratched his scars through his hoodie sleeves, shaking his head. “Like she didn’t already think I was a bad influence on you... she’ll never let me over here again.”

“Not true,” Evan insisted. “She wouldn’t be letting you spend the night if she was going to ban you from hanging out with me. Come on, let’s go eat, you’ll see.”

Connor sighed, but nodded. He stood, following Evan down to the kitchen. Heidi had everything set up and was waiting patiently for them. They sat and plated their food, making small talk for the first few minutes.

“So, Connor, how are you feeling?”

Connor shrugged, anxiously glancing at her, then at his plate. “Better. T-thanks.”

Heidi nodded. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He didn’t answer, just glanced anxiously at Evan, then Heidi, then back at his plate.

“That’s fine, you don’t have to. But I just want you to know that you’re safe here, okay? No one in this house will _ever_ judge you for _anything_. This is a safe space, okay?”

Tears filled his eyes. He licked his lips, nodding.

Evan hesitated before standing. “Bathroom. Be right back.” He gave Heidi a subtle nod before disappearing.

Heidi watched him go, then reached for Connor’s hand. He jumped, but finally looked up at her.

“I’m a mom _and_ a nurse, Connor. I’m here, okay? There’s nothing you could tell me that would scare me or disgust me or make me think any differently of you.” She gave his hand a squeeze. “You’re a good person, Connor. And I’m here.”

“You saw,” he mumbled. It wasn’t a question, since Evan had already confirmed that she’d seen his scars and cuts.

She nodded, deciding it was best to just admit it. “I did.” She paused there, giving him a chance to speak.

Connor hesitated. “I, um... I’ve tried to... I...” he swallowed, shocked by how difficult this was. But he really respected Heidi, and admitting this was _hard_.

“It’s okay, Connor,” she assured him, gripping his hand a little tighter.

He couldn’t look at her when he said it, so he stared at the table. “I tried to kill myself. A few years ago..” He paused, finally meeting her eyes. He relaxed when she didn’t look disgusted or disappointed. “Evan knows. Not, uh.. not, like, the details. But he knows.”

Heidi nodded. “I get the impression you don’t get along with your parents very well. So I just want you to know you’re _always_ welcome here. And I’m always here, if you need to talk or need help. Okay?”

Connor nodded, picking at a loose thread on his hoodie.

“I’m guessing your parents know about the cutting?” Heidi asked, after a moment’s hesitation.

“They know,” he snapped. Then he blushed and licked his lips. “Sorry. I... they know I’ve done it in the past... They don’t know I started again.”

Heidi nodded. She had a feeling that would be his answer. She stood slowly, worried she’d startle him if she moved too fast. She knelt by his side. “I’m here, Connor. No matter what you need, I’m here.”

Connor’s chin trembled. “I’m sorry for being a bad influence on Evan.”

Heidi blinked, caught off guard by the sudden change in conversation. She stood, enveloping him in a side hug. He leaned into it, and she could feel he was shaking. She kissed the top of his head and pulled away, rubbing his arm. “You’re not. You’re a good friend. Evan’s lucky to have you in his life.”

She sat back down in her chair. “Want more?” She asked, holding a container of food out to him.

He couldn’t help the strained laugh he let out. “Sorry.. We went from a very serious conversation to you trying to force more food on me.”

Heidi shrugged. “It’s what I do,” she smiled.

Connor shook his head, but accepted more food.

It was another ten minutes before Evan reappeared.

“Sorry, Jared called and needed help with a homework assignment,” he said quickly, glancing at his mom - who gave him a small nod - before going back to eating. When they were done, Connor jumped to his feet to help Heidi clean.

“Oh, no, sweetie, sit and relax.” She shooed him back, taking the plates out of his hands and walking them to the sink.

“I should, um... I should probably get home, actually,” Connor sighed, standing.

“I can drive you,” Heidi offered, drying her hands on a dishtowel and walking back over to the table.

“No,” Connor snapped, taking a step back. “I-I mean.. I’m fine to drive.” When Heidi frowned at him, he quickly added, “Promise.”

“I really don’t think you should be driving after how bad that panic attack was,” Heidi said firmly. “I really think you should stay here tonight, or let me drive you.”

“Well,” Connor snapped, but then he stopped himself. He definitely _did not_ want to snap at Heidi after everything she’d done for him. He hunched his shoulders, spinning on his heel and stalking to the front door without a word. His hand was on the door handle when Evan caught up to it.

“Hey! You can _stay_ , Connor,” he insisted.

“I can’t,” Connor sighed. “I’ll see you at school tomorrow.” With that, he walked out.

~*~*~

Connor stomped his way up to his room. Miraculously, his parents left him alone. He wondered if that was thanks to Zoe. He flopped onto his bed just as she appeared in his doorway, as if summoned by his thoughts. She sat on the end of his bed and stared at him, waiting for an explanation. When he gave none, she poked his leg incessantly until he glared at her.

“I covered for you,” she reminded him. “You owe me an explanation.”

Connor sighed, sitting up and crossing his legs. “It’s a-a long story, Zo. But.. The short version is, I ended up having a, um.. A _really_ bad panic attack... And, um.. Evan and his mom helped calm me down.” He stared down at his lap, shaking his head. “It was... Really embarrassing, okay? And then..” He swallowed. “And then I went and laid down in Evan’s bed and he came upstairs and-and.. And I asked him to STAY. And we...”

“You _what_??” Zoe asked, eyes widening.

Connor made a face at her. “Zoe! Oh my god.. He laid down next to me and I _fell asleep_ , that’s _all_. Don’t be _gross_.” He huffed, face flaming red. “But.. I-I Sort of fell asleep _on_ him. Like, next to him, but.. _really_ close to him..”

Zoe squealed. “Connor!!! _Please_ tell me you guys have _finally_ declared your feelings for each other and _finally_ kissed.”

“I wish,” Connor mumbled, rolling his eyes. “I still don’t know if he likes guys, and he made sure to tell me _several_ times that I was his best _friend_. So...”

“Okay,” Zoe snapped. “We’re done with this pining bullshit. We’re finding out, once and for all, how Evan feels about you.”

“How?” Connor demanded. “I’m not asking him, Zoe. I’m not risking ruining our-“

“Oh, shut _up_. I’m sick of you pining and doubting yourself, Connor. Text him and tell him we’re all driving to school tomorrow.”

“What are you going to do?” Connor asked, in absolute, utter panic mode.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ve got this, okay?” She leaned forward and hugged him. He flinched away – partly because he’d had enough touch today, between Evan, Heidi, Miguel, and now Zoe. But also because it was the first time Zoe had hugged him in _years_ and he just.. was shocked she was doing it..

She stood. “Just text him, okay? Good night, Con.”

Connor frowned, watching her go. He was both hopeful and incredibly scared...


	21. Payback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Cracks knuckles. Evil laughs. Clears throat.* I... Hope you enjoy this chapter!!! :)

Evan was pacing the living room, biting his nails. He glanced anxiously out the window, then checked the time for the tenth time in six minutes. He was trying to keep himself calm, but Zoe seemed cool, and he was terrified he’d make a fool of himself in front of her. What if she told Connor she thought he was an idiot? Would Connor ditch him? Zoe was his sister; surely his desire to reconcile with her would outweigh his desire to spend time with Evan, right?

But he and Connor had shared so much... Evan couldn’t imagine life without him. Which was probably a really weird thing to think... And it would probably freak Connor out if he told him...

When Connor’s car finally pulled into his driveway, he waited a few minutes before going outside; he didn’t want to make it obvious that he’d been watching for them. He settled into the backseat, and both Murphy’s turned around to smile at him. He shrunk back, hating that everyone’s attention was on him.

“Hey, Evan,” Zoe said. “Nice to officially meet you! Thanks for convincing my idiot brother to talk to me. I never thought I’d see the day where we were civil to each other.”

Evan smiled back nervously, but couldn’t get his mouth to work to form a reply, so they fell silent after that. But Connor’s nerves were on fire, wondering what Zoe had planned, and he couldn’t deal with the deafening silence, so he flipped the radio on. He and Zoe bickered over the station and the volume for awhile.

“Hey,” Zoe said suddenly. “Check out that guy in the crosswalk. He’s cute. Isn’t he cute, Connor?”

“What?” Connor asked, frowning. “Um, not really?”

“What do you think, Evan? Isn’t he cute?”

Evan froze, eyes darting between the guy in the crosswalk, Zoe, and Connor.

“I... I don’t... I mean... N-no?” Evan started picking at his cuticles, making them bleed, but he didn’t care; he was feeling incredibly anxious over the weird turn the conversation was taking...

“Oh,” Zoe frowned. “Well, he’s too muscular, anyway. He looks kind of full of himself, too. So what’s your type, then?”

What was going on? Was Zoe making fun of him? Evan felt his heart rate speeding up. He was going to start hyperventilating if he didn’t find a way to calm down.

“Personally, I like edgier guys,” Zoe shrugged. “What about you?”

“Zoe..” Connor said softly, shaking his head.

“I...” Evan swallowed. “I don’t...? I just...”

What was this? What was Zoe trying to imply? He barely knew her, what could he have done to make her hate him already...? And why wasn’t Connor stopping her? Was he in on it? Was this some kind of weird payback for the other day? Connor had _willingly_ shown Evan his scars, right? Unless he’d felt backed into a corner because of the swimming incident. If he hadn’t _wanted_ to show Evan his scars, then maybe he was mad, and this was his way of showing he was mad. 

Had this been their plan all along? Why else would they give him a ride to school? They had _just_ reconciled and they were already plotting against him. Or maybe they’d never been fighting, maybe Connor had lied to trick Evan into thinking a ride to school was Zoe extending an olive branch, when it had really just been a trap to humiliate him. He’d really thought Connor was his friend. He should have known better.

“Oohh, what about him?” Zoe asked, pointing at another guy, this time walking by on the sidewalk. “He’s cute. What do you guys think?”

Evan gripped the door handle, chest tightening. He didn’t want to have a panic attack in front of them. He didn’t want to give them the satisfaction; it would only show them that they’d won, that they’d managed to humiliate him. They were already going to laugh about this later, why make it easier for them?

“P-pull over,” Evan demanded.

“What?” Connor asked, confused.

“Pull over,” Evan said again. His voice was shaky but firm this time.

Connor hesitated, but did as he was asked. As soon as the car had come to a full stop, Evan shoved the door open and took off. He wasn’t really sure where he was going, but he just had to get somewhere. Anywhere that was away from here. Away from Connor and Zoe. And fast.

“What the fuck, Zoe?” Connor snapped, glaring at his sister.

Zoe’s mouth fell open. “I-I’m sorry. I was just trying to help. I didn’t know he’d freak out like that.”

Connor looked around, but he didn’t see Evan anywhere. “Shit, he’s fast... We have to find him. We can’t just leave him out there by himself when I’m almost positive he’s about to have a panic attack.”

“He could be anywhere,” Zoe argued. “How are we even supposed to find him?”

“I don’t know, but we have to try. Unless you want to explain to Heidi Hansen that we lost her son on the way to school because you were trying to figure out if he was into guys. Cause I’d rather tell dad I’m bi than tell Heidi her son ran into traffic while trying to get away from us.”

Zoe’s eyes widened. “Is she _that_ scary?”

“When it comes to how much she cares for Evan? I think she’d do just about anything to protect him. He’s all she has.” He signaled, waiting for an opening, then eased back into traffic.

“Where do we even start?” Zoe asked, looking out the window for any sign of Evan.

Connor pulled his phone out of his pocket and handed it to her. “Type _exactly_ what I tell you to, and _nothing else_. Got it?” Zoe nodded, and he relayed the messages to her:

**Where are you? We’ll come get you.**

**I’m sorry Zoe upset you. We’ll take you home.**

**Just tell us where you are.**

Connor sighed in frustration when, after several minutes, there was still no answer.

“He went that way,” Connor said, waving in the direction Evan had run. “We’ll just go that way and see if we spot him.” He merged into the right-hand lane, trying his best to watch the road _and_ watch for Evan.

~*~*~

Evan had no clue where he was. He hadn’t been paying attention; he’d just needed to get away. The bowling alley he’d ended up outside of was closed - permanently, it seemed, based on the boarded up windows.

His phone had beeped with several messages, but he ignored them. He was pacing, trying to calm his breathing.

He couldn’t stay here. He had no idea if this part of town was safe. But who was he supposed to call? He couldn’t call his mom; she’d be worried and furious. He couldn’t call Connor for obvious reasons.

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He took a few deep breaths in and out, then pulled his phone from his pocket. He swiped away the text messages from Connor without reading them, then dialed the only other person who might help him.

“Hey, asshole, skipping class again? Homeroom’s about to start.”

“Jared.. I-I-“ his voice was shaking again. He was ready to cry. “Can you come get me?”

There was a moment of silence. And then, “where are you?”

“I-I don’t know.. I don’t think I’m far from the school, but... I don’t know.”

“What the fuck happened?”

“It’s a long story, just... I’m at some bowling alley. It’s abandoned. Lucky Strike 10 or something?”

“I know where that is. I’m on my way. Don’t move.”

“Thanks,” Evan mumbled, hanging up. He sat on the sidewalk, still damp from last night’s rain. He shivered, praying Jared hurried.

~*~*~

“Wait, that’s Kleinman’s car,” Connor said suddenly, watching as it drove through the intersection. He cut someone off in his hurry to follow Jared’s car – several someone’s, if the honking of horns was any indication.

“How do you know? How will following him help us?”

“He’s supposed to be in class,” Connor shrugged. “Maybe Evan called him.”

They followed the beat up Honda as it pulled into the parking lot of an abandoned bowling alley. It came to a stop by the curb, and Jared got out. Connor pulled up beside him.

“Stay in the car,” Connor snapped, as he jumped out and slowly approached Evan and Jared.

Evan’s eyes widened when he saw Connor. He backed up, tripping over the curb and falling backwards. He threw his arms out behind him, catching himself just before he hit his head, but he scraped skin off his palms in the process.

“Ev!” Connor cried, trying to run to him. But Jared stepped between them, pushing him back.

“He clearly doesn’t want to talk to you. Back off,” Jared snapped.

“Evan?” Connor’s eyes widened. “What.. I’m sorry, I just-“

“I said, back off, Murphy,” Jared snapped. He wasn’t sure what the hell had happened, but the look Evan was giving Connor made it very clear he was terrified. Or mortified. Jared wasn’t sure, but all he could think about was getting Evan home safe.

Connor scowled at Jared. “I’m just trying to make sure he’s okay.”

“I don’t give a fuck what you’re doing. Back. Up.” He pushed Connor back with each word he spoke, until Connor was back beside his car. He held a finger up, silently demanding he stay put, then went back and helped Evan up. Evan refused to make eye contact with anyone as Jared helped him into his car. Jared gave Connor one last death glare before getting into the drivers side and pulling away.

Connor stared after them, feeling defeated.

~*~*~

“Evan?” Jared asked again. They were almost back to their neighborhood, and he hadn’t said a word. He’d stared out the window, silent tears streaming down his face. His hands throbbed and he was pretty sure he had glass or rock in his right palm.

“My house?” Jared asked, glancing at him quickly, then back at the road. “My parents aren’t home.”

Evan just nodded. It occurred to him that Jared might not be looking in his direction, so he cleared his throat and mumbled a yes.

Evan numbly got out of the car when they parked in Jared’s driveway, letting Jared lead him inside and up to the bathroom. He instructed Evan to sit so he could clean and bandage his hands.

Once done, they went to Jared’s room, and he nudged Evan to lie on the bed. He rolled his desk chair over and sat. Evan curled into a ball on the bed, staring blankly at the floor.

“Wanna tell me what happened?”

Evan shook his head.

“Did Murphy... what did he do? Did he hurt you?”

“N-not, um... not physically,” Evan mumbled, avoiding eye contact. “I really don’t want to talk about it, Jared, please.”

Jared frowned but nodded. “Gimme your phone, I’ll text your mom and tell her you had a panic attack and I brought you here so you wouldn’t have to be alone.”

“Why... Can’t you do that from your phone?” Evan asked, staring at him with wide eyes.

“Is there a reason I can’t see your phone?” Jared asked, eyebrows raised. “You’ve never cared before.”

“I, um... my bag.. I left it on the curb at the bowling alley,” he admitted reluctantly.

Jared nodded. He pulled his phone out and texted Heidi. “Okay. Will you be okay alone while I run back and-“ He paused, glancing at his phone. He had a text from an unknown number.

**It’s Connor. Evan forgot his bag. His phone was in it. Tell him I’m sorry and Zoe is sorry. I’ll bring his bag to school tomorrow.**

Jared frowned, sending back an OK. “Murphy’s got your bag and phone. I’ll get them for you tomorrow at school, assuming you aren’t going tomorrow either, or don’t want to speak to him in person.”

Evan flinched, closing his eyes.

“Evan, seriously. I’m not trying to pry but you’re freaking me out.”

Evan blinked back tears. “Connor was never my friend. Or, I don’t know.. maybe he was at first. And then.. and then this, um.. something...” he swallowed. “It’s a long story, but... he and Zoe... they... I never thought Zoe Murphy was the type of person to be mean.. but.. I guess you can’t judge a person by just what you see, huh? Or maybe you can. I don’t know.”

“You aren’t making any sense,” Jared frowned.

“They humiliated me,” Evan mumbled. “I guess Connor wanted payback? I don’t.. I didn’t.. it wasn’t on purpose, but I guess he was mad..”

“Evan,” Jared said, snapping his fingers in Evan’s face. Evan blinked up at him. “You’re still not making any sense.”

Evan blinked away more tears. “The ride to school. It wasn’t them being nice. They did it so they could humiliate me.”

“What did they do?” Jared asked, barely controlling the anger in his voice.

“I don’t want to talk about it. Want to sleep,” Evan murmured, closing his eyes again. He was tired. So tired.

“Evan. Hey, Evan.” Jared sighed. Evan was already asleep. He stood, crossing his arms in frustration. He pulled his phone out and texted Connor.

**Bring Evan’s bag and meet me outside his house.**

There was no reply, but Jared knew he’d be there. He gave them ten minutes, then left Evan alone and went outside. Connor was leaning against his car. Jared could see Zoe in the passenger seat. Jared walked up to Connor, holding his hand out for Evan’s bag. Connor handed it over, eyes filled with sorrow.

“I don’t know what the fuck you did, but you better leave him alone from now on.”

Connor winced, guilt gnawing at him. “Did he say... anything?” He asked, voice cracking.

“That you and your bitch sister humiliated him. That you pretended to be his friend just to humiliate him. I swear to god, Murphy-“

“Wait, what?” Connor asked, eyes going wide. “I never... I wasn’t pretending.”

“Well, maybe not at first. But after.”

“After what?” Connor questioned, scrunching his face in confusion.

“How the fuck should I know? Evan just said you must have wanted payback for what happened, even though it was an accident. That the ride to school was just a ruse to humiliate him. I couldn’t get anything else out of him, he was so exhausted from his panic attack that he fell asleep after that.”

“I... no, Jared.. you _have_ to believe me-“

“I don’t have to do shit, Murphy. I don’t owe you anything.”

Connor shook his head. “The ride to school wasn’t a ruse. I swear we weren’t trying to humiliate him.”

Zoe got out of the car at that point, coming around to stand beside Connor.

“This is all my fault, I’m so sorry,” she said quickly. “I was just trying to figure out if he liked guys, to see if he liked Connor. I didn’t know he’d get so upset.”

“Zoe,” Connor snapped, making her shrink back.

“Wait.. what?” Jared asked, dumbstruck.

Connor groaned, closing his eyes and hanging his head. 

Zoe sighed, looking ashamed. “I’m sorry.” Her lip trembled. “Connor, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“Wait, hold the fuck up,” Jared snapped. “You like Evan?”

Connor blushed. He did _not_ want to be having this conversation with Jared Kleinman, of all people. But he had to clear this up, whatever it was. So he nodded.

“You... like Evan,” Jared said slowly. He turned to Zoe. “And you were trying to get Evan to admit he likes guys?”

Zoe nodded.

“What the fuck did you say to make him so upset?”

Zoe closed her eyes, replaying the conversation from earlier, word for word, as much as she could remember.

“And what was Evan going on about? You being mad at him for something that happened and wanting payback?”

“I don’t know,” Connor said miserably. “I don’t know what he’s talking about. I wish I did, because maybe then we could clear this up faster.” Connor sighed in frustration. “Why would he even think I wanted payback for something?” 

“Because he’s Evan Hansen and he has literally zero self-confidence. He questions everything he says and does, and he _doubts_ everything he says and does. There could be a _million_ dumb things he did that he thinks you’re mad about.”

“But.. But he’s my _friend_ ," Connor spluttered. “I don’t-“

“Oh, enough with the fucking friends thing, Murphy,” Jared snapped, rolling his eyes. “Clearly you like him as more than a friend. And he has the biggest fucking crush on you.” 

Connor’s eyes widened. “He.. What??”

“Jesus Christ...” Jared sighed, shaking his head. “You two are the biggest disaster gays I have ever in my life met. _Yes_ , he has a _huge_ crush on you, Murphy. But he was convinced you were straight and he was too scared to outright ask you and find out for sure. He was scared if he told you he liked you, you’d be disgusted and you wouldn’t want to be his friend anymore, and he was afraid of losing your friendship because it means so much to him.”

Connor couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Evan liked guys. Evan liked _him_. He wasn’t pining after someone he didn’t have a chance with - Or, he hoped he wasn’t. He hoped he hadn’t completely fucked it up.

“This is good, right?” Zoe asked eagerly. “They can talk and clear the air and it’ll all be good and they can date and-“

“Hold up, Mini Murphy,” Jared said, putting a hand up to cut her off. “It’s not going to be that easy. Now that he thinks you hate him and tried to humiliate him, it’s not going to be easy to convince him otherwise.”

Connor’s heart sank. “What.. what can I do?”

“You can give him space and you can let me talk to him.”

The look of mistrust Connor shot him was unmistakable

“Don’t give me that look. I’m not gonna fuck you over on this. I might be an asshole – and quite proud of it - but this is one thing I wouldn’t fuck around with. I might tease Evan about a lot of things, but I’d never fuck around and tease him over someone liking him. He doubts himself enough already. I even encouraged him to tell you he liked you.”

“You did?” Connor asked, surprised.

Jared shrugged. “Yup. Told him to just tell you he liked you, or just ask if you liked guys, instead of wondering and pining. Told him crushing on you was nothing to be ashamed of, although I _do_ question his taste in men a bit...”

Connor gave him the finger. Jared gave it right back to him.

“So, I can assure you, I’m not going to tell him mean things about you, you have my word,” Jared said, sounding very serious - one of the only times Connor could recall him being so serious, honestly.

Connor nodded. “Okay.. fine. You have my number now. Please just... tell me when I can try reaching out to him, okay? Or, if you think he should reach out to me, that’s fine too. Just, either way... text me tonight and update me? Please? I really do feel terrible..”

“Me, too,” Zoe sniffled. Connor hesitated before putting an arm around her shoulder. She almost pulled away, shocked by her brother’s show of affection after how badly she had fucked up. But then she sank into his side, sobbing. Connor wrapped his other arm around her, pulling her in for a hug.

Jared frowned. Maybe Connor Murphy wasn’t _all_ bad.. So he nodded. “Yeah, okay. I’ll message you later.”

Connor nodded his thanks, then watched Jared walk back towards his house until he’d disappeared from view.

Connor helped Zoe into the passenger seat, then went around and got in the drivers side. “Zoe, this isn’t your fault,” he said softly. “I don’t blame you and you shouldn’t blame yourself. We couldn’t have known he would react this way. Just... let’s give it time, like Jared said, okay?”

Zoe nodded, but she refused to meet Connor’s eyes. He started driving. He knew going home when school was in session was a bad idea, but he didn’t care. They’d already missed several classes, and he knew neither of them would be able to concentrate, anyway. So home it was.


	22. The Perfect Child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heh... Sorry? Enjoy!! :D
> 
> (Also, I feel like I've said this before, but I PROMISE there WILL be Larry redemption down the road.. I HATE writing Asshole Larry, but it's necessary for right now..)

When Connor and Zoe got home, neither Cynthia nor Larry was there, thankfully. It gave them both time to calm down and think.

They collapsed onto the couch, Connor throwing an arm around a still sniffling Zoe. She curled into him, sobbing into his shoulder.

“Zo, please,” Connor sighed. “Stop crying. This isn’t your fault.“

Zoe shook her head. “I can’t believe you don’t blame me. This is _all_ my fault. I never should have said anything.”

“You were trying to help me. You didn’t know he’d react _this_ badly. I didn’t even think it would be _that_ bad, and I’ve seen him have panic attacks.”

“What are we gonna tell mom and dad?” Zoe mumbled, shaking at the thought.

Connor frowned. His perfect sister was rarely on the receiving end of his parents’ anger. He could roll his eyes and tune them out while they yelled at him. He could handle whatever punishment they dolled out. But Zoe wasn’t used to _any_ of that.

“We’ll figure something out, okay? Maybe go take a nap, and let me worry about mom and dad.”

Zoe nodded reluctantly, giving Connor one last hug and mumbled “I’m sorry” before running upstairs.

Connor sighed, running a hand through his hair. It was only then that he realized his hands were shaking. He stood and made his way up to his room. He grabbed a joint, lit it, and sat on his bed, trying to make sense of the last few hours.

How had things gone to shit so quickly? A few hours ago, he’d been rubbing sunscreen into Evan’s back; now, he’d be lucky if Evan ever spoke to him again. He didn’t want to blame Zoe, she’d only been trying to help. But if she’d just kept her mouth shut-

Well, then he’d still be pining, and wondering if Evan could ever even _like_ him. But now they might never reconcile at all. So was he really better off?

He shook his head, taking another drag of the joint. He dropped his head back against his headboard, closing his eyes.

“So stupid,” he mumbled.

“Connor.”

Connor froze. He hadn’t even heard Cynthia come home.. He opened his eyes slowly, eying her warily. He REALLY didn’t have the energy to argue with her.

“Skipping class _and_ smoking?” She shook her head, sounding completely exasperated. “We’ll be having a conversation about this when your father gets home.”

“Great,” Connor grumbled. He inhaled on the joint, staring right at her as he did it, like he was challenging her.

She opened her mouth as if to scold him, then frowned. “Are... are you crying..?”

Connor quickly looked away from her, swiping at his eyes. “No. As you so observantly pointed out, I’m smoking - makes my eyes red, ya know?” He barely even had the energy to put bite into his words.

She stepped closer, reaching a hand out to brush a fresh tear off his cheek. He flinched, slapping her hand away. She jumped back, eyes widening. He glared at her, silently daring her to touch him again.

She backed off, though, and left him alone.

Great. Add another thing he’d fucked up today.

~*~*~

When Evan woke up hours later, he felt like he’d been hit by a Mack Truck. His whole body felt heavy and sore. His eyes were swollen and gritty from crying, and his head was throbbing from a massive headache. His hands throbbed, too, but it took him a minute to remember why.

And then it all came crashing back down on him.

He whimpered, curling into a ball.

“Evan?”

Evan startled, glancing up at Jared as he rolled his desk chair closer to the bed.

“You okay?”

“Not really,” Evan mumbled.

“Do you wanna talk about it yet?”

Evan winced, fresh tears filling his eyes. He sniffled, shaking his head. “Just wanna sleep,” he mumbled, closing his eyes again.

“I spoke to him,” Jared admitted.

Evan’s eyes flew open, going wide with shock. “You.. what? W-when?”

“After you fell asleep. He brought your bag over. He said-“

Evan shook his head. “I don’t want to hear it, Jared, please.”

“Stop being a stubborn asshole,” Jared snapped. “They _weren't_ trying to humiliate you, Evan. They-“

Evan rolled over and buried himself in the pillows and blankets. “Go away Jared. Thank you for bringing me home and staying with me but _go away_.”

“Umm, this is my house, douchebag.”

Evan frowned in confusion, then sat up abruptly. “Then I’ll go away.” He made his way to the door, stumbling into the doorframe; he was still exhausted from his panic attack earlier, and the room wouldn’t stop spinning for some reason.

“Evan, come on,” Jared huffed. He walked over and helped steady Evan. “I’ll take you home if you want, and we don’t have to talk about it tonight.”

Evan hesitated, but nodded. He just wanted to be in his own bed, alone with his misery.

Jared helped him to his house and up to his room, where he collapsed on the bed.

“Thanks,” Evan mumbled, rolling over so his back was to Jared. “Now go away.”

“I won’t talk about it, okay? But I’m not leaving you alone like this. I’ll watch TV downstairs or whatever until Heidi gets home.”

Evan didn’t answer him, so he took that as an okay and made his way downstairs, where he collapsed on the couch. He pulled his phone out and typed a message to Connor.

**Jared: Sorry, he’s being a stubborn brat and refusing to listen tonight. I’ll keep trying.**

He stuffed his phone away and, with a sigh, turned the TV on.

~*~*~

Connor stared blankly at his phone, stomach clenching. He didn’t bother responding, which he knew wasn’t fair; he should at least thank Jared for trying. But he couldn’t find the energy.

Connor glanced at the clock, then pulled out another joint. He wanted to be good and stoned when his dad came home and screamed at him.

When Cynthia called him down to dinner, he was high as a kite. He slumped into his seat and silently stared at the plate of food before him.

Zoe was quieter than usual, picking at her food. She knew she was in trouble this time, too. She didn’t know what to expect and she hated it.

Cynthia didn’t even bother trying to make conversation. She was livid with her children.

Larry came home twenty minutes later. He dropped his briefcase by the door and stalked into the kitchen, startling them all; they all looked up at him.

“Connor Murphy,” Larry roared. “Explain yourself.”

Connor frowned at him, shrugging.

“You skipped school _again_. You smoked weed _in my house_. _Again_. And this time, you dragged your sister into your mess?”

Welp. Once again, Zoe was the Perfect Child. She could Do No Wrong. And Connor was to blame for everything. Not surprising, though. He threw his hands up, chuckling. “Sure, all my fault. Yep.”

“No, Connor-“ Zoe mumbled weakly.

Connor waved her off. “Nah, Zo, it’s cool. I’m the Family Fuck Up, right Larry?” 

Larry glared at him. “Do you think this is a _joke_? If you keep skipping class, they’ll _hold you back_. You _won't_ graduate in time. You might not get into college. And now you’re pulling Zoe into all this, too? I won’t tolerate this anymore, Connor.

Connor smirked up at his father, nodding. “Maybe you won’t have to, then,” he said lightly.

The room went silent. A threat like that had once seemed empty, meant for dramatic tension. But since Connor _had_ actually tried to kill himself, his threats of suicide were more worrisome.

“Connor..” Zoe murmured, voice shaking. 

In response, Connor folded his arms on the table, and dropped his head onto them. He did _not_ want to cry in front of his father, but he was fighting a losing battle. He couldn’t do this tonight. 

“Connor, you’re grounded for two weeks! And I think it’s time to consider... Alternative methods of dealing with you.”

Connor raised his head, scowling at his father. “What the fuck does that mean?”

Larry shrugged. “Keep acting out – keep dragging your sister into _your_ messes – and you’ll find out.”

Connor sneered at him. “Yeah, whatever, I’m fucking done with this.” He stood so abruptly, he knocked his chair over. He kicked it into the fridge so hard, it dented the door handle. And then he stalked upstairs.

Larry tried to go after him, but Zoe had finally had it. 

“Leave him the _fuck_ alone,” she snapped. 

Larry rounded on her, eyes wide with shock.

“Connor didn’t _drag_ me into anything. It was _my_ fault we skipped, whether you believe me or not. I deserve to be grounded, not him. HE was cleaning up _my_ mess.”

“Zoe, you don’t have to protect him,” Larry said gently.

“I’m _not_ ,” Zoe insisted. “This is on me. I’m _so_ sick of you acting like I’m perfect, and Connor is the bad seed. We’re both _human_ , dad. We _both_ make mistakes. And if you send Connor away because of something I did, I’ll _never_ forgive you.”

She didn’t give him a chance to respond, just ran upstairs to check on Connor. He wasn’t in his room, though. She frowned, running to the bathroom and trying to push the door open – locked. She frowned, knocking. “Connor?” she called through the door. She heard a yelp, a small clatter, and then a whimpered “shit.”

“Connor! Let me in!” She knocked harder, jiggling the door handle uselessly.

“Go away, Zoe,” he snapped, but his voice sounded strained.

“Connor! Are you okay?”

After a minute, he wrenched the door open. “Fine. Leave me the fuck alone, please.” He stalked past her, wishing more than ever for a door so he could dramatically slam it shut.

~*~*~

When Heidi got home, she started immediately for the stairs.

“He’s asleep.”

Heidi paused, turning to Jared.

“Or he’s pretending, at least,” he added with a shrug. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s pretending.”

“Was his panic attack _that_ bad?” Heidi asked with concern.

“It was, but he’s also just pissed at me. So.” Jared threw his hands up in frustration.

“Why is he mad at _you_?” Heidi asked, baffled.

Jared hesitated. “It’s a long story.“

Heidi frowned, sitting beside Jared on the couch.

“What’s going on with him?” She questioned, trying hard to blink back tears. “He won’t talk to me. I’m worried...”

Jared shrugged. “You know I can’t tell you.”

Heidi sighed, nodding. “I know, it was wrong of me to even ask. I shouldn’t put you in that position. I’m sorry.” She chewed her lip. “Since he won’t talk to me... Is he at least talking to you?”

“Well, he _was_. I don’t know if he will now.”

“Does he have _anyone_ he can talk to..?” Heidi have him a pointed look. “Connor, maybe?”

Jared quirked a brow at her. “Smooth, Mrs. H.”

Heidi shrugged. “I’m not an idiot, I have eyes. I see the looks they give each other.”

“This is getting awkward,” Jared admitted, standing. “I should get home. Just... Not to sound like I’m trying to tell you how to, like, parent or whatever... Cause I clearly know nothing about parenting. But... just give him time on this one, okay? It was... bad.”

Heidi frowned at him. “Okay, you’re making me worry _more_ , Jared...”

“I’m sorry,” he shrugged. “Just trust me on this, okay?”

She hesitated before nodding. “Okay.. but I’m only giving it a few days. If he’s not back to normal in a few days, I’ll...” She cut herself off, because there really wasn’t much she could do.

“Just go easy on him for a few days. He’s really... not in a great place.” He turned to leave, but Heidi called him back.

“You’re a good friend.”

He shrugged. “I try.”

Heidi watched him leave, then slowly made her way upstairs to Evan’s room. She knocked gently, then let herself in. He was hiding under the covers, his back to the door. She crossed the room and sat at the end of his bed, resting a hand on his leg through the blankets.

“I’m home, honey,” she said gently. He didn’t move or respond. “I’m here when you’re ready to talk about it. But I won’t push. Just know that I’m here, okay? I’ll call the school in the morning and tell them you won’t be in for a few days.”

She rubbed his leg, then stood to leave. She was almost to the door when she heard a muffled, “thanks, mom.”

She paused, smiling back at him. “Welcome, bud. I love you.”

She could just make out a muffled “love you too” before she closed his door and made her way to her own room, heart heavy with worry.


	23. Dead Weight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiii... So I'm REALLY nervous to post this chapter, because it has one of my Top 3 Favorite Scenes Ever in it, and I'm REALLY hoping everyone likes it!
> 
> Also, um... I'm sorry in advance? Hehe.... :D 
> 
> Okay.. Enjoy!! *Runs away.*

Evan barely got out of bed for the next three days, except to go to the bathroom. He refused to speak to Heidi, wouldn’t answer Jared’s calls, and hardly even ate. 

“Evan, you’re starting to scare me,” Heidi admitted Friday morning, when Evan refused to get out of bed again. “Talk to me, honey.”

When he didn't respond, she sighed in frustration. “You’ve missed three days of school already, I can’t let you skip again this close to final exams.”

That got his attention. He sat up quickly, turning to look at her with wide, terrified eyes; he couldn’t face Connor yet. Or Zoe. Or even Jared.

“Please mom,” Evan begged. “I’ll go back Monday, okay? I just.. I can’t... Please.”

Heidi frowned. “I wish you’d talk to me. I’m really worried about you. You haven’t spoken to Jared or Connor in days. You won’t even let them come over. I know you took away the hide-a-key so Jared can’t let himself in..”

Evan winced, rolling back over and laying with his back to her. He heard her sigh and felt her sit beside him.

“Evan..” She paused, and when he didn’t reply, she stood. “Fine. You can skip today. But that’s it; you’re going back Monday. I’m calling out of work the next few days, too.”

“You don’t have to,” Evan said quickly, turning to glance at her. He really just wanted to be alone. Plus, he knew she couldn’t afford to miss more work - she’d already missed Wednesday and Thursday.

“If you won’t let Jared come over, then I do have to. I don’t want you home alone right now. I’m really worried about you.”

“I’m fine,” Evan mumbled.

“Well if you’re fine, then you can go to school,” Heidi reminded him.

He stared up at her with horror in his eyes - and tears. She sighed and ruffled his hair. “It’s okay, bud. Whatever it is, it’ll be okay.”

“It won’t,” he mumbled, curling back into a ball and closing his eyes.

She frowned, rubbing his back. “I’ll be downstairs if you need me, okay?” He barely inclined his head, but it was enough for her to know he‘d heard her.

~*~*~

When Connor got to school, Evan wasn’t by his locker. For the third day in a row. He bit his lip to keep from screaming in frustration, then hesitated before approaching Jared.

“No news, bro,” Jared said immediately, cutting off whatever Connor had been about to say. “He won’t talk to me at all. Won’t even let me go over there. He _hid_ the spare key so I couldn’t let myself in.”

“I-“ Connor sighed, shaking his head. “Will he _ever_ let me explain?”

Jared stared at him for a minute. He was tempted to crack a joke - his way of handling things like this. But he could see the hurt on Connor’s face, and he just couldn’t do it.

“Just give him time,” was all he said. Because he couldn’t tell Connor, with any certainty, if Evan would ever get over this. Jared has never seen him so upset before.

Connor hung his head. “I, uh...” He swallowed, licking his lips. “Thanks.”

Jared blinked in surprise, but nodded. “Yeah. Sorry.”

They stared awkwardly at each other for a minute, before turning and heading off in opposite directions - Jared to class and Connor to skip and get high; he just didn’t care about getting in trouble anymore. He’d never be able to sit through class and concentrate today.

~*~*~

By Saturday night, Heidi was at the end of her patience. She was still worried about Evan, but she was also frustrated.

“Evan, I ordered pizza. It’ll be here in 20 minutes.”

“I’m not hungry,” he mumbled into his pillow, pulling his blanket higher.

“I don’t care,” Heidi huffed. “You’re eating.”

“Not hungry,” Evan grumbled again.

Heidi crossed her arms. “You’ve been in bed since Tuesday. You’ve barely eaten. You won’t talk to me. I’m done with this, Evan. You need to eat. And shower. And if you don’t, I’m calling Dr. Sherman for an emergency appointment for tomorrow and I’m letting him do a full evaluation.”

Evan looked up at Heidi, startled. She really thought he was going to hurt himself? That was the only reason Dr. Sherman would see a patient on a Sunday - if he thought they were at risk for hurting themselves or others.

She frowned at him, and he stared defiantly back, before slumping in defeat.

“Fine,” he grumbled. “I’ll come eat.”

“Go shower. By the time you’re done, the pizza will be here.”

Evan scowled at her, but she refused to leave until he’d shuffled into the bathroom. He turned the shower water on, then stripped down. He usually avoided looking in the mirror when he was naked, but he caught a glimpse of himself and turned, scowling at his reflection.

Still just as pale and pudgy as when Connor had seen him naked. He flinched, looking away and stepping into the shower. No wonder Connor hated him...

He showered quickly, dressed, and made his way downstairs. As Heidi had predicted, the pizza was there. He nibbled at his food, hyperaware of Heidi’s watchful eyes. He forced himself to eat 2 slices before asking to be excused.

“Fine,” she sighed. “Go start catching up on your homework.”

He stood without a word and slumped upstairs.

~*~*~

Connor had become inconsolable. It broke Zoe’s heart to see his mental state deteriorate every day that went by without hearing from Evan. He’d skipped class every day that week since the incident. The only thing keeping him parents from going apoplectic on him was Zoe begging Cynthia to hold off.

“Zoe, what’s going on with him?” Cynthia begged on Sunday morning.

Connor had disappeared early Saturday morning and hadn’t been home, but every time Zoe messaged him, she got a quick “I’m fine” back. She wished she knew where he was, but at least she knew he was alive.

“Zoe,” Larry said firmly.

She glanced up at him, then Cynthia, and pressed her lips together.

Cynthia sighed, rubbing her temples. “He was doing so much _better_ , I just don’t understand.”

Zoe stared down at her plate, shrugging.

“If you know something, you need to tell us,” Larry demanded.

“I don’t know,” Zoe shrugged. She wasn’t really comfortable lying, but what choice did she have...? 

Larry scowled at her, opening his mouth to argue, but Cynthia held a hand up to stop him.

“Do you know where he is?” Cynthia asked. Zoe shook her head. “But you know he’s okay?”

Zoe hesitated. “He’s probably not okay. But he’s safe.”

Cynthia and Larry exchanged a concerned look.

“I don’t like this at all,” Cynthia sighed, shaking her head. “I’m worried.”

“Worried? He’s probably doing this just to piss us off,” Larry snapped.

Zoe rolled her eyes. “See, saying shit like that is why he doesn’t tell you anything.” She stood, throwing her napkin over her half-eaten breakfast. “I’m going upstairs,” she grumbled, stomping off.

When a few hours passed and she hadn’t heard from Connor, she messaged again. But this time, she got the strangest reply back from an unknown number.

**Unknown Number: Connor is safe. I promise. You can stop messaging him like crazy. I’ll drive him home as soon as I think he’s good to go.**

Zoe frowned. Evan didn’t drive... And if Connor was with Evan, he’d be messaging Zoe himself to say so. So who the hell was Connor with?

**Zoe: Who is this?**

**Unknown Number: A friend.**

**Zoe: I don’t know who you are so how do I now my brother is actually safe?**

There was no response for a really long time. And then a picture came through. Zoe’s eyes widened at the sight of Connor sitting on the floor beside a boy she had never seen before. Connor was leaning into his side, head on his shoulder. He had a smile on his face, but he was rolling his eyes. One hand was held up in a peace sign, the other was out of view of the camera. His eyes were red and watery, and Zoe wasn’t sure if he was crying or high. Or both.

**Unknown Number: He’s high as fuck and probably won’t remember me taking this pic. But he’s fine.**

Oh, okay. That answered that question.

**Zoe: Who are you tho??**

**Unknown Number: Miguel**

**Zoe: Yeah, okay, but that still doesn’t tell me how you know Connor.**

**Miguel: We’re friends. He’s safe.**

Zoe pressed her lips together in a frustrated scowl. This guy was just as vague and stubborn as Connor; no wonder they were friends.

Her heart hurt, though. Because this was yet more proof that Connor hadn’t trusted any of them enough to tell them he had a friend. Zoe had just assumed Evan was his first and only friend in years. But Connor also had this Miguel guy, too.

Zoe sighed, frustrated. But at least she knew Connor was safe. He wouldn’t smoke with someone he didn’t feel he could trust. Right?

~*~*~

Zoe startled awake, sitting up. It was just after 1am, and she was pretty sure she’d heard a car door slam. She got up and crossed to her window. It was dark, but the streetlights illuminated the driveway enough for her to watch as a guy got out and crossed to the passenger side. She gasped when Connor emerged from the car. She assumed, then, that the other guy was Miguel.

Connor stumbled into Miguel, and his giggle floated up to Zoe’s open window. She frowned, watching as he leaned in closer to Miguel. Miguel pushed him back and shook his head. He said something, but she couldn’t make out what. Connor shoved him, stomping away and towards the front door.

The door slammed hard and Zoe flinched, silently begging her parents to leave Connor alone. At least until he was sober; trying to reason with him when he was high was never a good idea.

She heard Connor stomp upstairs and past her door, then silence. She listened intently for fifteen minutes and, when she didn’t hear any screaming, she climbed back into bed, her brain buzzing with what she’d just seen.

~*~*~

The next time Zoe was startled awake, the clock glowed 3:34am

The noise from downstairs made her sit up, heart thumping. She frowned, getting up and making her way to her door. She opened it slowly, and the sounds from the kitchen got louder. She padded cautiously down the stairs, wincing when she heard a loud crash. But she kept going.

When she reached the kitchen, her eyes widened. Connor was there, stomping around. Pots and pans littered the counters. There was flour _everywhere_ – the counters, the floor, the fridge door, even the oven, which appeared to be on. Connor was standing in the middle of all the chaos, frantically stirring what looked like a brownie mix. He, too, was covered in flour.

“Connor?”

He didn’t respond, just stirred faster and faster, until batter flew out of the bowl, getting on both Connor and the floor.

“Connor,” Zoe said again, louder, taking a few cautious steps closer to him.

“Makin' brownies, Zo, leave me alone,” Connor snapped.

“It’s 3:30 in the morning,” she reminded him.

He shrugged, plopping the bowl down. “So? Want brownies. I’m hungry.”

“You’re high.”

He grinned. “Yep. Wanna have some brownies with me?”

“I- Connor,” she sighed, placing a hand on his arm. He slapped her hand away, glaring at her.

“Fine. I won’t share my brownies with you.” He picked the bowl up and poured the batter into a pan, then plopped them in the oven. Then he threw the bowl across the kitchen so it clattered into the sink. He sent the spoon flying next, but it missed and hit the floor, splattering the floor with more brownie mix. He snickered.

“Connor, come on,” Zoe urged, grabbing his arm and forcing him to face her.

“Leave me alone,” he snapped. “I just wanna eat my brownies.”

“I can’t leave you alone,” Zoe frowned. “You need to go sleep this off.”

“No,” Connor snarled, picking up a handful of flour and tossing it at her. She coughed and backed up. “Go away.”

Zoe shook her head. “I’m not leaving you alone. This is my fault. Let me help you.” She reached forward to pull him out of the kitchen and he slapped her hands away again.

“I said no! Go away! Let me be high and let me eat my brownies and leave me alone.”

“No,” she said, just as firmly. “I won’t let you do this alone.”

He growled in frustration, throwing a pan across the kitchen, tears pricking his eyes as it clattered into the dish drainer and knocked a glass to the floor, shattering it.

Zoe stood her ground, refusing to let his tantrum scare her. She wouldn’t abandon him. Not when this was all her fault.

He threw anything he could get his hands on, knocked the entire bag of flour to the floor and then kicked it across the kitchen.

Finally, his anger seemed to recede, and he deflated. His chin trembled and his legs gave way. Zoe tried to grab him, but he was too heavy for her to hold him up, so they both went down, right into the mess of flour.

She wrapped him in a hug, and this time he let her, his entire body shaking with the force of his sobs.

“I miss him, Zoe,” he sobbed. “I miss him so much. I just want him to talk to me. Why won’t he talk to me?”

Zoe rubbed his back, tears pricking her own eyes. She had to fix this. She just had to.

“I miss him,” Connor sobbed, burying his face in Zoe’s shoulder.

“I know, Con. I know,” she said soothingly. “It’ll be okay, I promise. I don’t know how or when, but-“

A noise startled her into looking up. Cynthia and Larry stood just inside the kitchen, eyes wide with shock and confusion.

Zoe tensed, wondering exactly what they had heard, before focusing on comforting Connor.

“Let’s get you to bed, yeah?”

“But brownies..” Connor mumbled, sounding sleepy.

“I’ll come back for them,” Zoe promised, trying to get Connor to his feet, but the flour made the floor slippery, and Connor was like dead weight. She looked up at her parents, and they ran forward to help, each grabbing one of Connor’s arms and hauling him up. Zoe stumbled a little, grabbing the counter.

“I’ll watch the brownies,” Cynthia assured them. “And clean up this mess.”

“Oh.. Mom..?” Connor mumbled. “Where did you come from?” He blinked blearily at her. She rubbed his arm and smiled gently at him. 

Connor let Larry and Zoe guide him upstairs. He flopped into bed, and Zoe covered him. He mumbled something about “miss him” again. Then his eyes fluttered closed, and Larry and Zoe snuck back downstairs to help Cynthia clean up.

Cynthia looked up when they came back into the kitchen.

“What just happened?” Larry asked, looking bewildered. He and Cynthia both turned to stare at Zoe, who shrugged and tried to busy herself with clean up.

“Zoe.”

She glanced up at them. “He’s high. I have no idea,” she lied.

Cynthia sighed. “Go to bed. You have school tomorrow. We’ll clean this up.”

Zoe nodded, bolting upstairs.

“Do you believe her?” Larry asked his wife, frowning.

“Nope,” Cynthia sighed, staring after Zoe. “She knows something.”


	24. Weirder Than Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii. Oof... All I can say is.. I'm sorry? :D Also, I SWEAR, there is a Method to my Madness. There are Reasons for Evan's behavior. Promise. Just bear with me a little longer! Hope you all enjoy!! :)

When Connor woke up the next morning, he felt hungover. His head was pounding, his mouth was dry, and his eyes were gritty from crying himself to sleep. He reluctantly pulled himself out of bed, though; he was hoping Evan would finally be at school, and would _finally_ talk to him.

He dressed, brushed the tangles from his hair, and slumped down to breakfast. He poured himself a cup of coffee and sat heavily at the table.

“Connor! You shouldn’t be drinking coffee,” Cynthia scolded.

Connor made a face at her, taking a long, slow sip, daring her to stop him, then dropped his head down onto his arms to avoid further conversation. Cynthia sighed, then glanced nervously at Larry and Zoe before looking back at Connor.

“Sweetie, about last night-“

Connor glared up at her. “What about it?”

“You... You said some things. I just-“

“I don’t remember,” Connor snapped. “I was high, how the fuck would I know what I was saying?

“It was just-“

Connor stood abruptly. “I’ll be in the car. Hurry up or I’m leaving without you, Zoe.” 

Zoe rolled her eyes, glaring at Cynthia.

“What? I just-“ Cynthia sighed. “I’m sorry, I just.. The things he said..”

“He clearly doesn’t want to talk about it and you’re pushing him,” Zoe scolded. She took one final bite of cereal, then hurried after Connor.

Connor was quiet the whole way to school. He didn’t argue when Zoe chose the music, and only answered in shrugs and grunts when she tried to make small talk.

“Con, come on,” Zoe finally said. “Talk to me.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he growled, gripping the wheel tighter.

“I know that’s what you told mom, but-“

“I was _high_ ,” Connor snapped. “I _don't_ remember what the fuck I said. Now leave me the fuck alone or I’ll leave you here and you can walk the rest of the way.”

Zoe scowled at him, but she left him alone for the rest of the ride to school.

~*~*~

Evan stood before his locker, trying to avoid eye contact with everyone as he loaded up the notebooks he’d need for the morning. 

“Hey, bro.”

Evan jumped, eyes widening as he looked up.

“Expecting someone else?” Jared asked pointedly, quirking a brow at him.

“I.. No,” Evan said quickly, turning back to his locker.

“Dude, just _talk_ to him. Seriously, he-“ He paused, glancing behind him. “Well, now’s your chance.”

“What?” Evan asked sharply, looking up. Connor stood a few feet away, arguing with Zoe. He couldn’t make out what they were saying, but Connor’s face was red and scrunched up, and Zoe looked ready to cry.

Suddenly, Zoe caught Evan’s eye. She tapped Connor’s arm and pointed. Connor turned, eyes widening when he saw Evan. He took an uncertain step forward.

Evan stumbled backwards into his locker.

“Evan-“ Jared reached a hand out to steady him, but Evan winced and pulled away, taking off down the hall. Jared sighed, turning to shrug at Connor, who seemed to deflate. 

Zoe gently tugged Connor over to Jared. 

“Is he _always_ like that?” Zoe asked, baffled.

“I mean.. He’s Evan. He has anxiety and he hates conflict,” Jared shrugged. “But I’m starting to think something else is bothering him..”

“What do you mean?” Connor asked, frowning. He hated to admit that Jared’s words had given him hope – if something else was bothering Evan and they figured out what, maybe he’d finally admit he _did_ like Connor. But he was also worried – what could be bothering him? How bad was it?

“I don’t know,” Jared admitted. “But he’s acting weirder than normal. And I don’t think it’s _just_ because he’s afraid to admit he likes you. Like, I do still think he’s hurting from that car ride stunt you pulled. But I think there’s something else. I just don’t know what.”

“I wish he’d let me explain,” Connor sighed. “If I could convince him to trust me again, maybe he’d tell me what’s really bothering him.” He slumped, shaking his head. “Zo.. Can you get a ride home? I just.. I can’t do this today.”

Because, the truth was, he _did_ remember what he’d said the night before. He missed Evan. He missed Evan so badly; it was like a physical ache. 

“Mom and dad will kill you if you skip again,” Zoe cautioned him.

“Don’t care. Can you get a ride?” When Zoe nodded, Connor slumped away, sneaking out the front doors when the teachers standing nearby weren’t looking.

Zoe frowned after him. She had to do something. She had to try to help fix the mess she’d made.

And she would. After school.

~*~*~

When the front door opened, Zoe took an uncertain step back.

“Can I help you?” Heidi asked, frowning.

“O-oh, sorry, I- you must be Evan’s mom.”

Heidi quirked a brow. “I am.. And you are?”

Zoe fidgeted. How much did Heidi know? Had Evan told her? Would she slam the door in her face when she gave her name?

“I’m, um.. I’m Zoe?” She winced at how pathetic she sounded, saying her name like it was a question.

“Are you a friend of Evan’s?” Heidi asked, crossing her arms a little impatiently. “I’m sorry, he’s never mentioned you. He’s not feeling well, so I don’t think he’s up for visitors tonight.”

“I know.” Zoe paused at the confused look Heidi have her. “I mean... I know he’s not feeling well. But I _really_ need to talk to him.”

Heidi shook her head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. But I’ll tell him you stopped by.”

“No, wait,” Zoe said frantically, putting her hand in the way so Heidi couldn’t close the door. “Please. I’m.. I’m Connor’s sister.”

“Oh, nice to meet you. I haven’t seen Connor in a few days...” Heidi glanced behind her to make sure Evan wasn’t there, then stepped outside, shutting the door behind her.

“Yeah... um...” Zoe stepped back, fidgeting again. “Look, I know Evan isn’t feeling well but I _really_ need to speak to him, Mrs. Hansen, please. It’s really important.”

“Does this have anything to do with _why_ Connor hasn’t been over?”

“Um..” Zoe stepped back again, chewing her lip.

Heidi sighed. “You don’t have to tell me, it’s okay. But he’s really not up to visitors. He won’t even see Jared.”

Zoe winced. “I know. But-“

“I know, you _really_ need to see him.” Heidi hesitated. “Okay. You can go in. But he’s... If he starts to get agitated, I’m going to need you to leave.”

“I... he probably _will_ get agitated. But I can’t agree to leave if he does - I can’t leave until he lets me say what I have to say,” Zoe said firmly. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude. But-“ She hesitated. Connor was going to kill her... “But I know what’s wrong with him and I know _why_. And if he’ll just _listen_ to me, I think I can help.”

Heidi narrowed her eyes, but she didn’t look upset. She looked.. hopeful.

“Well, he’s refusing to speak to Jared, and he’s refusing to speak to Connor..” Heidi paused, taking note of the way Zoe flinched guiltily at the mention of Connor. “And I can’t get him to speak to me. So..” She turned and opened the front door. “Top of the stairs to the left.”

Zoe nodded, carefully edging past Heidi and heading up the stairs, heart pounding.

Evan was sitting cross-legged on his bed when Zoe knocked on his open door. He hunched his shoulders at the sudden noise.

“I swear I’m doing my homework, mom,” he huffed, looking up. But when his eyes connected with Zoe’s, they widened in surprise - or maybe fear? - and he jumped up, knocking his notebook and math textbook onto the floor.

“Evan, please,” Zoe begged, standing completely still, worried she’d scare him if she stepped any closer. “Please, can we talk?”

Evan shook his head, stepping back into his night table. He stumbled, grabbing his bed to keep from falling on his ass; that was all he needed. Zoe would go home and laugh about it with Connor, he was sure.

“Please let me explain,” Zoe begged. “I wasn’t trying to-“

Evan shook his head again, “No, no. Please just leave. I really- I just- I get it okay? I’m an idiot and-and I just- It’s fine, okay? Connor got his revenge. I’m sure you both- it was probably- You can just _go_ now.”

“I’m not leaving until you let me explain,” Zoe said firmly. “I made a terrible mistake, and-“

“And, what? You didn’t humiliate me enough the first time? You came to humiliate me more?” Evan asked, trembling with a weird combination of anger and panic.

“No!” Zoe insisted. “Evan, we weren’t-“

“ _JUST LEAVE_ ,” Evan yelled. He could feel a panic attack coming on, and he didn’t want to have a panic attack in front of Zoe; he’d had enough panic attacks in front of Connor - enough for them to laugh about for a lifetime. He didn’t need to have another one now, too.

The sound of Evan yelling brought Heidi upstairs. She rushed into Evan’s room, running to his side, but he yanked away from her.

“I think you should leave now,” Heidi said firmly, giving Zoe a look. She tried again to pull Evan into a hug, but he slapped her away.

“No,” Zoe said angrily, crossing her arms. “No, this is ridiculous. I’m not leaving until you let me explain, Evan. And if I have to, I’ll say it in front of your mom. But I’m _not_ going anywhere.”

Evan froze, looking terrified.

“Maybe it’s best if she’s here, anyway.” Zoe frowned, glancing at Heidi. “Maybe you can convince him to listen to me, that I’m not lying.”

“No, please,” Evan begged, eyes wide.

“Evan, _breathe_ ,” Heidi said gently, rubbing his arms. She sighed, shaking her head. “Look, Evan... You’re _clearly_ upset about something. You’ve been in a bad place for days, and I don’t know how to help you. If what Zoe has to say will help, even a little bit, then you have two options. I can go back downstairs and you can _calmly_ let her explain. Or I can stay here and she can say it in front of me.”

Evan whimpered, pulling away from Heidi, lip trembling.

“I’m sorry, honey, I _hate_ doing this to you. I _hate_ making you feel cornered like this, but you’re _scaring_ me, Evan.” Heidi blinked back tears. “So I’m pulling the Mom Card this time.”

Evan sniffled, swallowing back his tears. He glanced from his mom to Zoe, then back to his mom.

“I’ll- I’m fine,” Evan insisted, nodding at Heidi. “I’ll be fine. You can... you can go back downstairs.”

“Are you sure?” Heidi asked. When he nodded, she took a step towards the door. “Okay. I’ll be downstairs if you need me,” she said, more to Zoe than Evan, before leaving them alone.

Evan shuffled anxiously, finally sitting on his bed. He glanced up at Zoe, unable to hold back his tears.

“Happy? You can tell me what an idiot I am now. And you can tell Connor that I had a panic attack, and needed my mom to intervene. I’m sure- I’m sure you guys will have a _great_ laugh at my expense - again.”

Zoe frowned at him. “You promised your mom you’d listen to me. I _need_ you to listen to me. Unless you want me to go get her?”

Evan pressed his lips together. Zoe took a small step closer to him. He tensed, and she immediately stopped.

“We _weren't_ trying to humiliate you,” Zoe insisted. “I _swear_. I-“ She sighed in frustration. “I’m breaking the Cardinal Rule here, but since you won’t talk to Connor yourself... And, I mean, he gave Jared permission, so...”

“Zoe,” Evan snapped, frowning. “What are you talking about?”

Zoe took a deep breath. “Connor likes you. And I was trying to help him find out if you liked him back.”

Evan stared at her, mouth open in shock.

“I’m _so_ sorry you thought we were trying to humiliate you,” Zoe continued, when it became obvious that Evan wasn’t going to say anything. “I was just so tired of seeing Connor so miserable. He was too scared to ask you outright, and-“

Evan snorted. “Connor? Scared? Now I _know_ you’re trying to trick me.”

“Look, I know Connor has a shitty reputation, but that doesn’t mean he’s not allowed to get scared,” Zoe snapped. “He has feelings, too, Evan. He values your friendship and he was scared that if you didn’t like him back, he’d scare off the one person who doesn’t treat him like the villain.”

Evan frowned at her, staring down at his lap. Suddenly, the bed shifted. He looked up, startled to find Zoe sitting across from him.

“Why are you so afraid to admit that Connor _actually_ likes you? Why is it easier to believe that we were trying to make fun of you?”

“Because,” Evan sighed, looking away from her. “Because why would anyone like me? What’s there to like?”

Zoe rolled her eyes. “I mean, I could list, like, ten things Connor has said off the top of my head. But you probably wouldn’t believe me, huh?”

Evan shrugged. “Probably.”

“Evan, come on,” Zoe groaned. “What can I say to convince you Connor really _does_ like you? I just... I made such a mess of things, and I feel so bad. I need to fix this.”

Evan felt his lip tremble. He didn’t want to cry again. “I just... I mean, even if he _does_ like me, he won’t the more he spends time with me. And then he’ll realize and he’ll leave. And I’ll be alone. Again.”

“He’ll realize what?” Zoe asked, frowning.

Evan flinched. “What?”

“You said he’d realize and leave - realize what?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Evan shook his head, standing suddenly and pacing the room. “Please leave, okay? I just.. I can’t.”

“Please tell me,” Zoe pressed. “He’d realize what?”

Evan huffed in frustration. “He’d realize he could do way better than dumb, anxious Evan Hansen and he’d leave, okay? Happy? Now, speaking of leaving. Please.”

Zoe frowned, but stood and made her way to his door.

“I hope you and Connor enjoy laughing about this,” Evan snapped. “I’ve given you more than enough to laugh at.”

Zoe turned and frowned at him. “You’re wrong, but I don’t know what else I can say to convince you otherwise.” She made her way downstairs, where Heidi stood waiting, arms crossed.

“I tried,” Zoe shrugged. “I really did. But he won’t listen to me. I’m sorry, Mrs. Hansen. I made a complete mess out of... everything.”

“Oh, sweetie, you can’t blame yourself, I’m sure this wasn’t your fault.”

“No, it was,” Zoe sighed. “But Evan is also incredibly stubborn. I’m sorry, I tried.

“Tell Connor I said we miss him, okay? It’s been strange not seeing him” When Zoe fidgeted uncomfortably, Heidi crossed her arms. “Everything okay?”

“Connor...” Zoe puffed out a breath. “He doesn’t know I’m, um, here?”

Heidi nodded. “Oh, I see...”

“I better go,” Zoe said quickly, wanting to leave before she said something she regretted. Connor was already going to kill her for coming here.

“Do you need a ride? I didn’t see a car outside.”

“I can walk,” Zoe insisted. “But thanks.”

Heidi frowned, but didn’t argue. She was starting to get a weird feeling; neither of the Murphy kids would let her drive them home.

“Well... bye,” Zoe said, quickly making her escape.

Heidi locked them door after her, then turned around, unsure if she should go check on Evan or not. With a frustrated sigh, she decided against it; she needed to give him space.

~*~*~

Evan curled up in bed, clutching Ted the Teddy Bear. His mind was replaying everything Zoe had said. 

Connor liked him.

Connor liked him, and was hoping Evan liked him back.

He chewed his lip, shaking his head. 

No. Connor couldn’t like him. Why would he? Why would someone like Connor like an anxious mess like Evan?

He wouldn’t. 

He didn’t. 

Evan wasn’t loveable. Or likable. He was a pale, pudgy, anxious mess. He couldn’t speak without stammering. He couldn’t get through a presentation at school without having a panic attack. 

Even now, he was sitting in bed, clutching a damn teddy bear. He was too old to be seeking comfort from a stupid stuffed animal. 

There was no way Connor liked him. He was pathetic. And a burden. 

He gritted his teeth, throwing Ted across the room. Ted hit his closet door and bounced to the floor. Evan blinked back tears of frustration, burrowing into his pillow – he didn’t want his mom to hear him sobbing. If she did, she’d come comfort him. And that was the last thing he wanted when he felt this way.


	25. Nothing to Talk About

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii.... Enjoy! :D

Heidi was shocked when she peaked into Evan’s room and he wasn’t there. She’d been preparing another argument, had been expecting Evan to fight with her about going to school today, after how upset he was from last night’s visit from Zoe Murphy. 

She made her way down to the kitchen, where she found him fully dressed, backpack ready to go, nibbling a granola bar. He glanced up at her, the back down.

“Do you need a ride?” Heidi asked, deciding it was best not to question him about anything else. Not yet, anyway. 

Evan shook his head, clearing his throat. “Jared is picking me up in a few minutes.”

“Okay..” Heidi nodded.

A car horn honked. Evan picked his bag up and shuffled past her, silent.

“Love you, bud.”

“Love you, too,” he mumbled, letting the door slam behind him - his little act of defiance.

He slumped into Jared’s car, curling as close to the door as he could, staring out the window.

“You good, bro?” Jared asked, pulling out of Evan’s driveway.

“As long as you don’t ask me anything about the last week, yes,” Evan said stiffly, resting his forehead against the window and closing his eyes.

Jared frowned, but didn’t say a word after that; they drove the rest of the way to school in silence.

They stopped at their lockers to grab what they needed, then started walking to homeroom together. Halfway there, Evan stopped dead in the middle of the hallway. Jared frowned, glancing in the direction Evan was staring.

“Oh,” Jared sighed.

Connor was standing at his locker, looking tired and miserable.

“Do you need to..?” Jared asked, motioning back towards the exit.

“I’ll see you in class,” Evan said quickly, dismissively. Jared opened his mouth to protest when Evan walked right up to Connor.

“H-hey..”

Connor jumped, dropping his Spanish book on his foot. He hissed a curse, then glanced up, eyes widening when he realized who stood before him.

“Hi,” Connor croaked, wincing and clearing his throat.

“Do you, um.. Wanna hang out after - I mean, you can say no. But. My mom won’t be home until late, so- I mean, not that it matters, that has nothing to do with-“ Evan slumped his shoulders, shaking his head. “Never mind.” He turned to walk away, feeling like an idiot, but a hand on his arm stopped him. He glanced back at Connor, tensing, waiting for Connor to laugh at him or tease him for stuttering.

But Connor just nodded, licking his lips. “Yeah. That sounds.. cool.”

Evan frowned, thrown off. If Connor was going to make fun of him, now - in front of everyone - was the best time. So why wasn’t he..?

“Meet me here after class,” Connor finally said.

Evan nodded, shifting away from Connor. “Okay, sure. See you.” He turned and walked away, feeling confused but hopeful.

~*~*~

The day seemed to drag. Connor felt both excited and anxious; he’d missed Evan so much, but he also had no idea what the evening would hold. Truthfully, he half-expected Evan to ditch him, but he was waiting by Connor’s locker when the last bell of the day rang.

Evan didn’t say a word as Connor stepped beside him, putting away what he didn’t need and grabbing out what he did. They walked silently to his car, and neither spoke on the drive to Evan’s house. When they got there, Connor settled onto the couch, while Evan disappeared into the kitchen.

Evan seemed to relax a little bit when he came back and handed Connor the pizza menu, as if nothing had happened and no time had passed. He plopped beside Connor on the couch, though he kept as much space between them as he could and refused to make eye contact.

After Connor ordered the pizza, Evan handed him the remote. Connor frowned, but took it and turned on Netflix. When their food came, Connor answered the door and Evan went for plates, napkins and drinks. They settled in and ate in silence, watching a horror movie Connor had picked out.

They were onto their third movie when Connor suddenly grabbed the remote and hit pause. He shifted so he could face Evan, who was staring down at his hands.

“Okay, so... Are we just.. not gonna talk about what happened?”

Evan flinched, picking at his cuticles, but refusing to look up at Connor.

“Evan, come on,” Connor begged. “Talk to me.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Evan snapped.

Connor’s mouth dropped open; he wasn’t used to Evan snapping at him.

“We need to talk about what happened,” Connor insisted. “I need you to let me explain-“

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Evan repeated, louder this time.

“Why are you being like this?” Connor demanded. “Why invite me over and then refuse to let me explain?”

Evan shook his head stubbornly. “I invited you over to hang out.”

“But we need to talk about-“

“No,” Evan snapped, standing abruptly. “Bathroom,” he grumbled, stumbling up the stairs. Connor sighed, frowning after Evan. 

When 20 minutes passed and Evan still hadn’t come back, worry started to sink in. Connor stood and quickly made his way upstairs.

“Evan?” He called. The bathroom was empty. He paused outside Evan’s room. The door was partially closed, and he could hear what sounded like sobbing coming from inside. “Evan?” He called again, more frantically this time. But Evan wouldn’t answer him. “I’m coming in, whether you want me to or not,” he finally said, pushing the door open.

Evan was curled on his floor, gasping for breath, tears streaming down his face.

“Shit,” Connor sighed. “Ev!” He quickly crossed the room and collapsed beside Evan. He gently pulled Evan into a sitting position and wrapped his arms around him tightly, hoping the pressure of a hug would ground him.

At first, Evan resisted, trying to pull away, smacking at Connor’s arms, hands, back - anywhere he could reach. But Connor refused to let go.

“It’s okay, Ev, it’s okay,” Connor assured him gently. What had Heidi done for him? “Breathe with me, in one two three, out one two three. Okay? Come on, Ev.” Connor took deep, steadying breaths, rubbing Evan’s back.

After what seemed like forever, Evan’s sobs finally turned into sniffles, and his breathing slowly returned to normal.

When Evan finally calmed down enough to take in what was happening, he pulled away from Connor, mortified, and sat with his back against his bed. He pulled his knees up and rested his head on them.

Connor fidgeted. He desperately wanted to sit beside Evan and pull him in for another hug, but he could tell Evan wasn’t going to let him. So he stood.

“We weren’t making fun of you, Evan. And I’m sorry you thought we were. Hopefully one day, soon, you’ll let me explain.”

When Evan didn’t respond, Connor reluctantly made his way back downstairs. He grabbed his stuff and, after one last look upstairs, left.

~*~*~

“Evan?”

Evan flinched, looking up at Jared.

“Hey, dude, you okay?” Jared asked cautiously.

“J-Jar? How...”

“Connor texted me.” He sat across from Evan on the floor, frowning. “You okay?”

Evan shrugged, looking everywhere but at Jared.

“What happened?”

Evan huffed out a breath, shrugging again. “He wanted to... talk about it. About the other day. And I just...”

“Panicked,” Jared finished for him. When Evan nodded, he sighed in frustration. “Evan, the dude _likes_ you. And you like him. Why is it so hard to believe that?”

Evan chuckled bitterly. “That’s exactly what Zoe asked me.”

“Wait, what? Zoe? When did you talk to Zoe?”

Evan tensed, picking at his cuticles again. Several were already bleeding. “She came over yesterday after school. Said the same things you and Connor said.”

“Okay. So what’s it gonna take for you to, ya know, believe us?”

Evan shrugged - his go-to response, it seemed.

“Okay, well.” Jared stood. “You’re acting like a fucking child, so I guess it’s time to call mommy.” He pulled his phone out and dialed Heidi’s cell.

“ _What_?!? No, Jared, what are you doing?” Evan cried, jumping to his feet and lunging for Jared’s phone.

Jared danced away from him, shoving him back. “Hey, Mrs. H. I’m sorry to bug you at work - no, he’s safe but - yeah, mhm-“

“Jared!” Evan hissed, lunging at him again.

“Yeah, you need to come home, sorry- _Fuck_ , Evan, get off,” Jared snapped, shoving Evan back. He rubbed at his cheek, where Evan had accidentally (he hoped) punched him right under the glasses.

“Yeah, I’ll stay until you get here,” Jared grumbled. He ended the call, glaring at Evan.

“I-I- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit you,” Evan stammered, eyes wide.

“Yeah, well, you did. Your mom is on her way.”

“Why would you do that?” Evan asked, chin trembling.

“Because I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours but I’ve known you long enough to know that something’s bothering you, and it’s not just the Connor thing. And I can’t babysit you all night, and you clearly can’t be left alone.”

Evan glared at him, feeling humiliated and betrayed. “I can’t believe you called my mom.”

“Well, you’re acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum. So.”

Evan scowled at him, stomping over to his bed and curling in a ball.

“My point exactly. This is getting old, Evan.” Jared huffed a sigh, crossing to Evan’s door. “Try not to have any more tantrums until your mom gets here, okay? I’m done trying to reason with you.”

Evan glared after him as he walked out, angry tears filling his eyes.

~*~*~

“Jared?” Heidi called, as she ran into the house, making a beeline for the living room. 

Jared looked up from where he sat on the couch, ice pack on his face. 

“Oh my god, Jared!” Heidi cried, hurrying to sit beside him. She tugged his hand away so she could examine his cheek. It was red, and Jared winced when she gently touched it. “You’re going to be black and blue tomorrow, but I don’t think anything is broken. What happened? Evan _hit_ you?”

Jared made a face, then winced, putting the ice back on the bruise. “Yeah. I _think_ it was an accident – he was trying to stop me from calling you.”

“Jared,” Heidi said firmly. “I need you to tell me what’s going on. The _truth_. All of it. I don’t care if you’re breaking some kind of ‘friend code’ by telling me. He’s my son and I’m worried about him. I’ve never seen him this bad.”

Jared hesitated. “He’ll kill me.”

“Well, tell him I forced you to tell me. Make me the bad guy.” She deflated, softening her voice. “I can’t help him if I don’t know what’s bothering him, Jared.”

Jared took a deep breath, glancing anxiously up the stairs, then back at Heidi. “He has a massive crush on Connor-“

Heidi rolled her eyes. “Yeah, tell me something I _don't_ know.”

Jared blinked, nodding. “Yeah, it’s pretty obvious. Well, Connor likes him back, like, a _lot_.”

“Again, tell me something I _don't_ know,” Heidi huffed. 

“Okay,” Jared said with a nod. “Well, here’s what you don’t know: Evan doesn’t believe _any_ of us. Because he and Connor are pathetic, pining wimps and wouldn’t admit their feelings to each other. So Zoe plotted to help Connor find out if Evan liked him back, and it back-fired.”

“I- is that why Zoe came over last night?”

Jared nodding, launching into the story from the beginning. When he was done, Heidi was staring at him with an open mouth and wide eyes.

“Mhm,” Jared said. “Yeah. But now that Evan has it in his head that they were trying to humiliate him, he won’t let it go. Except-“

“Except what?” Heidi asked, disbelief in her voice.

“I think...” Jared hesitated. “I think there’s something else bothering Evan. I just don’t know what. He’s been acting weird for awhile.”

Heidi’s face darkened. “Weird how?”

Jared shrugged. “I don’t know. More panic attacks than usual. More anxiety and self-doubt than usual. I don’t know, Mrs. H. I just know that something is rattling around in that little head of his, and he won’t tell me what.”

Heidi nodded, rubbing Jared’s arm soothingly. “I’ll take it from here, okay? Just go home and keep icing that eye. I’m driving Evan to school tomorrow. We have an appointment with his guidance counselor, although he doesn’t know it yet.”

Jared’s eyes widened and he nodded.

After locking up behind Jared, Heidi took a steading breath and made her way up to Evan’s room. He was sitting on his bed, back against his pillows, looking miserable and like he’d been crying.

“Hey, bud,” she said gently, sitting by his feet and resting a hand on his knee. He flinched away, and she nodded, pulling her hand away. “Okay, you don’t want to be touched. It’s okay. But you _do_ need to talk to me, Evan.”

“Please just leave me alone,” Evan sighed, picking at his cuticles. 

“Nope, not unless you talk to me. Or you could talk to Dr. Sherman tomorrow..”

Evan glared up at her. “I’m _fine_ ,” he insisted. But when Heidi gave him a look, he huffed out an annoyed sigh, lying back against his pillows. “Connor and I had a fight. That’s all. No big deal.”

“Must have been one hell of a fight if you’re _this_ upset,” Heidi remarked.

“He’s my best friend,” Evan mumbled. “It hurt.”

Heidi nodded. “Well, bud, people fight. But I’m sure if you just talk to him, you can make up.”

“No,” Evan snapped. He pressed his lips together. “I mean.. It was.. He and his sister..” He sighed, shaking his head.

“Zoe? She was involved?” Heidi asked, playing dumb. “Well, she seemed genuinely sorry when she came over to explain last night.”

Evan shook his head again. “I- Just drop it, okay?”

Heidi frowned. She could tell Evan was at his limit for the night, so she stood. “Fine. For now. But I’m not done trying to talk to you about this. I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.” She paused at his door, turning back to him. “Oh, and I’m driving you to school tomorrow. We have to leave twenty minutes early. Don’t fight me or you’ll be grounded.”

Evan startled, eyes widening. “W-what? Why?”

“We have an appointment with your guidance counselor.”

“Am I... What- What’s going on? I didn’t-“ Evan swallowed down his panic. “I’m not in trouble am I?”

“You’ve missed a lot of school lately, and the school year is almost over. Your guidance counselor wants to discuss a way for you to make up for what you’ve missed.”

Evan opened and closed his mouth, but he knew there was no arguing.

“Get some sleep. Call me if you need anything,” she said softly, then left him to his thoughts.

~*~*~

When Zoe got home from jazz band practice, she immediately went upstairs to Connor’s room. He was slumped on his bed, headphones in, staring at the ceiling. She poked his leg and he jumped, yelping.

“Zo, don’t sneak up on me like that,” he scolded, sitting up and taking his headphones off.

“Sorry,” she said dismissively. “Okay, so spill. Why couldn’t you drive me home today? Was it an Evan thing? Did you guys make up?” Her heart was pounding; maybe she had gotten through to Evan. Maybe he’d forgiven them, and he and Connor were okay now. Maybe. Hopefully.

He scowled at her. “I thought we were going to. But...” He shook his head. “He refused to talk about it. And then he had a panic attack.”

Zoe sighed, shaking her head. “Con, I’m so sorry. But.. I think Jared’s right. I think something else is bothering him. And if that’s true and it’s not just this, then maybe things will still be okay. I think he’s just scared. He’s scared if you guys spend too much time together, you’ll realize what a mess he is and you’ll leave-“ She cut herself off, clapping a hand over her mouth.

“How do you know that?” Connor demanded, narrowing his eyes. “Zoe, what did you do?”

Tears immediately filled her eyes. “I’m sorry.. I was trying to help.”

“What the fuck did you do?” he growled, voice menacing. 

Zoe shook, fearful of her brother for the first time in months. “I just.. I wanted to talk to him. To explain. He wouldn’t talk to you, but I was hoping maybe he’d listen to me. So-so I went there yesterday. After school.”

Connor scowled at her. “What the _fuck_ did you say? And tell me _everything_.”

Zoe swallowed back her tears, quickly recounting everything that had been said. 

“I can’t believe you told him I _like_ him,” Connor groaned, dropping his head in his hands. 

“You told Jared he could, since Evan wouldn’t listed to you! So I just-“

“You just meddled where you shouldn’t. _Again_.” Connor shook his head, raking his hand hands through his hair. “Leave me alone, Zoe. Seriously.”

Zoe trembled, standing immediately. “I’m so sorry, Connor, I really thought-“

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM,” Connor snarled, jumping to his feet and taking a menacing step forward, hands fisted at his sides.

Zoe whimpered, running to her room and slamming the door closed.

Connor collapsed back onto his bed, breathing hard. He immediately regretted yelling at Zoe, but he knew an apology right now would be worthless. And he couldn’t help but still be angry with her, despite the fact that, rationally, he knew she was just trying to help. And Evan _had_ spoken to him today – maybe _because_ of Zoe.

Yet Evan had _still_ refused to talk about what had happened. And then he’d had a panic attack. So.. was it really progress? Or not? 

“Connor, dinner.”

Connor glared up at Cynthia. “Not hungry.”

“You need to eat,” Cynthia insisted. 

“Not hungry,” Connor snapped. “Why can’t everyone just fucking leave me _alone_?”

Cynthia’s eyes widened in shock. “Connor, I’m your _mother_. You can’t keep talking to me like this.”

Connor tried to stay angry. He tried to snap again, tried to think of something cruel to say to drive her away. But he couldn’t. He was tired. He was stressed out. And he was miserable. 

So he started sobbing. 

“Oh, sweetie,” Cynthia gasped, rushing to sit beside him, enveloping him in a hug. She was shocked when, instead of resisting, he collapsed into her arms, letting her hold him and pet his hair. She planted a kiss on the top of his head.

“Connor, baby, it’s okay, I’m here,” she assured him, rocking him and hushing him. “It’s okay, I promise.”

He wished he could believe her.


	26. A Perfect Fit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii. Thanks for riding this Epic Angst Train with me! Things are... Going to start Happening. So. Enjoy! :D

Evan sat beside Heidi, picking anxiously at his cuticles. He jumped when the door to the office opened, then closed, and his guidance counselor, Ms. Waverly, sat at her desk, a file and some pamphlets open before her.

“Okay, Evan,” she said, her voice cheerful but serious. “You’ve missed a LOT of class lately. We understand why, and we do take our students’ mental health seriously, so-”

Heidi scoffed – likely thinking about that suspension he had received. Ms. Waverly gave her a look, but continued on as if she hadn’t interrupted.

“So, I have a proposition for you to make up for it. We know you like trees and nature, and we’ve just been informed that Ellison State Park is seeking an apprentice park ranger for the summer. We thought it would be a perfect fit for you.”

Evan stared at her, trying to process what she suggesting. A summer internship? The summer before his senior year? 

“Your grades are pretty good, but your attendance the last few months.. Well. And that suspension could really hurt you when you apply to colleges. But we’re willing to remove the suspension from your record, if you agree to this program to make up for the class you’ve missed.”

“What about Connor?” Evan blurted.

“Connor Murphy? What about him?” Ms. Waverly asked, looking confused.

“He was suspended, too. And all he did was help me. His suspension should be waived, too. Are you going to give _him_ an offer like this?”

“Evan,” she said gently. “Connor was also smoking an illegal substance on school property. It wasn’t just about leaving the premises during school hours.”

Evan scowled at her. “Not interested, then,” he shrugged, standing to leave, but Heidi grabbed his arm and yanked him back down. 

“Evan,” Heidi said firmly. “Don’t be rude. Think about this offer. Connor can af-“ She blushed. “His parents can handle college for him just fine. You need all the scholarships you can get, and they won’t look kindly on a suspension.”

Evan huffed, shaking his head. “Give Connor a break, or I’m not agreeing to anything.”

Ms. Waverly narrowed her eyes at him. “You know it only hurts you if you say no? But I _do_ respect your loyalty.” She pursed her lips. “I can’t make any promises, but I’ll talk to the principal and see what we can do.”

Evan reluctantly nodded. It was better than nothing.

“This program starts the Monday after finale exams and runs through mid-August. It’s three days a week, 9am until 3pm. You’ll be learning about the park, its history, and also handling tours and upkeep, and making sure guests comply with park rules. You’ll have a supervisor who will check in with you each day for your assignments, and you’ll be writing a weekly essay about your experiences. I just need you to sign a few things, and you’re good to go.”

When they were done, Evan reluctantly followed Heidi into the hallway.

“I’m picking you up after school. I made you an appointment with Dr. Sherman,” Heidi explained, rummaging in her bag for her car keys.

“What? I wasn’t scheduled to see him until Friday,” Evan complained.

“Well, I thought you could use something sooner. Especially with everything that’s happened.”

“Nothing’s happened,” Evan said quickly. “I had a fight with Connor, that’s all. It’s done. Please stop making it a big deal.”

“I’ll stop making it a big deal when I actually feel like it _isn't_ a big deal,” Heidi argued. She frowned at him. “I’ll see you outside after class, got it?”

Evan scowled at her, but nodded. He watched her walk away, disappearing into the crowd. He sighed, slumping off to his locker.

“Hey.” Jared was leaning against his locker, waiting for him. “So what happened?”

“I missed too much class,” Evan sighed heavily. “They want me to do this apprentice park ranger thing at Ellison to make up for it.”

“Like, an internship?” Jared asked, wrinkling his nose. “Sounds awesome. And boring. And takes away from one of our last summers to chill.”

Evan shrugged helplessly. “I know, but I don’t have a choice.”

“Well, shit,” Jared shrugged. “Real fun. Anyway, wanna hang out after school? I just got this new game I’ve been dying to play.”

Evan frowned. “I gave you a black eye, and you still want to hang out after school?”

“Well, it was an accident, and you’re still my friend, so yeah,” Jared admitted. “Actually, the black eye makes me kinda punk. Everyone keeps asking who I fought,” he said with a grin.

Evan rolled his eyes. “Well, I can’t. I have an appointment after school. My mom’s picking me up. But maybe tomorrow.”

“Cool. What about studying for finals next week? Alana’s been kind of bugging me to join her study group. Would you want in?”

“I guess, yeah. I can’t afford to fail any of my exams right now. Who else is in her group?”

Jared shrugged. “Fuck if I know. I’ll tell her we’re in. She wants to meet during lunch in the library every day this week.”

“Great,” Evan said weakly. “Okay, fine.”

Jared nodded, then waved and took off when the bell rang for class.

~*~*~

When Evan got to the library, Alana and Jared were already there.

And so was Connor. 

Evan froze, making frantic eye contact with Jared. He jerked his head in Connor’s direction, eyes going wide and pleading. Jared just shrugged, smirking at him. Evan gritted his teeth, trying to tiptoe backwards, when Alana looked up.

“Hey, Evan! Come sit so we can get started.”

Connor glanced up, meeting Evan’s eyes for a brief second before looking away.

And, of course, the only seat left at the table was _right next to Connor_. 

Evan gritted his teeth, shooting Jared a glare. He slid carefully into his seat, avoiding eye contact with Connor.

“Okay,” Alana said, immediately taking charge. “We have a _lot_ of ground to cover in a week. So, let’s get started.”

Twenty minutes later, Connor, Evan and Jared were all exhausted from the amount of work Alana had thrown at them.

“Okay, we have ten minutes left. Anyone want to add anything?” Alana asked cheerfully.

Thankfully, they were spared when Zoe ran up to Connor’s side.

“Hey, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! I don’t need a ride home today, I-“ She froze, glancing at Alana, eyes widening.

Alana smiled at her. “Hey.”

“I..” She blushed. “So, uh.. don’t wait for me, okay?” she finished quickly, before turning and walking away.

Connor frowned after her, then turned to Alana. “What was _that_ about?”

“Nothing?” Alana shrugged, gathering her books. “Okay, same time tomorrow?”

Connor frowned at her, but let it go.

~*~*~

When Connor got home, he ignored his mom asking how his day was and made a beeline for Zoe’s room. He stood in her doorway, arms crossed, waiting until she noticed him. When she did, she jumped a mile.

“Shit, Connor. Wear a bell or something.”

He quirked a brow. “Uh-huh. So.” He waited until she was looking at him again. “You and Alana..?”

Zoe blushed bright red. “What are you talking about? I barely know her.”

“Oh?” Connor questioned. “Because she-“

“What?” Zoe snapped, eyes widening. “She told you? I thought we weren’t telling anyone yet. I can’t believe she-“

“She didn’t,” Connor said evenly. “You just did.”

Zoe’s mouth fell open. “I’m an idiot.” She dropped her head into her hands.

Connor closed her door, then sat beside her. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to trick you into saying that. But in my defense, you did cut me off.”

Zoe sighed, shaking her head. “Yeah, I’m a dumbass.”

“You’re not,” Connor said firmly. “But, Zo... why didn’t you tell me? I know we’re still kind working on things, but I’m still your big brother. You know you can trust me, right?”

Zoe nodded, finally looking up at him. “I know, I do trust you. I just... That night you told me you were bi, I was _going_ to tell you. But it felt wrong to, I don’t know, make it about me when it was your moment. And then it just never felt like the right time. And then everything happened with Evan and I didn’t want to rub your nose in my relationship when you and Evan were just...” She shrugged.

“But you wouldn’t be rubbing my nose in anything. I’m happy for you,” Connor said. “How long have you been-?”

“Six months,” Zoe said, blushing again. “We just made things official a few days ago, actually.”

Connor pulled her in for a hug. “I’m happy for you, Zo.”

Zoe held on a second longer than she normally would. “I’m sorry about going to Evan’s the other day. I really am. I just wanted to help.”

“I know,” Connor said, pulling back. “I mean, it sort of worked? He _did_ invite me over. But... “ He shrugged. “I’m sorry I yelled at you for it. If it makes you feel better, I snapped at mom, too, and then cried like a baby in her arms.”

“Oh, I’m sure she loved that, though,” Zoe said with a grin.

“I’m sure she did,” Connor grimaced. “It’s sad, though, that me crying in her arms is, like, a highlight in her day because it means I’m not snapping at her. I really am a piece of shit. No wonder Evan doesn’t want to admit that I like him - who would want the school freak to like them?”

“Oh, shut up. You _know_ he likes you back, despite whatever’s going through his head right now.”

Connor shrugged, standing. “I don’t know.”

“He sat next to you in that study group, didn’t he?”

“Yeah, only because Jared made sure it was the only seat available,” he said drily, rolling his eyes.

“Who knew Jared Kleinman would be trying to play matchmaker for you,” Zoe snickered.

“Don’t remind me,” Connor huffed. He stopped with his hand on Zoe’s door, turning to look at her again. “I really am happy for you and Alana.”

Zoe smiled at him.

~*~*~

The week seemed to fly by, especially with Alana’s study group taking up their lunch hour. Zoe had taken to joining them, sitting close to Alana and holding her hand under the table.

Evan had started to relax around Connor, even laughing and joking with him a few times.

By Friday, everyone felt as prepared as they could be for exams.

“Hey, everyone should come over to my place Sunday for a swim and barbecue. Take a break from studying and relax,” Jared suggested.

Everyone agreed, although Evan noticed Connor looked uncomfortable. He was rubbing unconsciously at his arms through his hoodie, and avoiding eye contact with everyone.

“Connor’s giving me some extra English help on Sunday, so I don’t know if we can make it,” Evan said quickly.

Connor looked up at Evan, eyes wide with shock. Zoe stared at Evan, then Connor. Even Jared looked surprised. Alana was the only one who didn’t understand the magnitude of what had just happened.

“Even I think we all deserve a break,” Alana said. “Study Saturday and come swimming Sunday. It sounds fun.”

Connor finally broke eye contact with Evan, glancing at Zoe, then Jared.

“Yeah, um..” Connor paused, licking his lips. “We can come Sunday. We’ll study... after?” He added uncertainly, glancing at Evan.

Evan hesitated before giving him a small nod.

“Great! See you all Sunday!” Alana said cheerfully, standing as the bell rang. She gave Zoe a quick kiss on the cheek, then headed off to class.

Zoe blushed, staring after her. She, Jared, Connor and Evan still hadn’t moved.

“Well,” Jared said. “I gotta get to class. Shouldn’t you get to class, Zoe?” He asked pointedly.

“Oh- right, yeah.” She grabbed her stuff and ran to catch up to Jared.

Connor watched them go, then glanced at Evan. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I just..” Evan shrugged. “I know how you feel about-“ He pointed at Connor’s arms. “Alana obviously doesn’t know, so. But.. I wasn’t sure if Zoe knew.”

Connor chewed at his lip. “Zoe... She knows I used to. You and your mom are the only ones who know about the recent, uh, episodes, though.”

Evan nodded. “I just figured it was an easy out for you if you didn’t want to. But- I mean, you don’t have to actually come over if you- if you don’t want. Swimming or studying or whatever. I don’t expect- I mean, after the last time-“

“I’d like to, though,” Connor said quickly. “If that’s.. okay? I- we can go swimming first. I mean... You know about my scars and you don’t care. And Zoe technically knows. And as long as I have you both on my side-“ He blushed, looking down. “I mean, you know what I mean... I just don’t care if Jared and Alana see. They don’t matter as much as, uh... yeah..”

Evan nodded, heart pounding. “Yeah.” He glanced away, eyes landing on the clock. “Oh, I’m late for class...” He sighed, gathering his books. He stood, glancing at Connor, who just stared at him. “I’ll see you Sunday,” he finally said, before taking off.

Connor watched him go, feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time.


	27. Deja Vu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi all :D I'm back! So, this chapter... Some Important Things happen, but it's also just a little bit of fun and fluff, and then some angst. I've been excited to write this chapter for awhile now, so I hope you enjoy it! Also, thank you for sticking around for 27 chapters of slow-burn! I promise, Things Are Going To Happen Soon ;) 
> 
> Enjoy!

“What are we telling mom and dad?” Connor asked nervously on Sunday, sitting cross-legged on Zoe’s bed while she filled a pool bag with everything she needed.

“What do you mean? Can’t we tell them the truth?” Zoe questioned, glancing up at him.

Connor shrugged. “I still don’t want them to know about Evan. Or that I have friends. So.”

Zoe frowned at him. “You know, they’d be _happy_ for you if they knew.”

Connor snorted. “Mom, maybe. Dad would just ask if they were my drug dealers.”

Zoe rolled her eyes, but didn’t push it. “I mean, we could say you’re dropping me at a friend’s house and then going to a study group meeting?”

“They wouldn’t believe I was going to a study group meeting any more than dad would believe I _don't_ know that many drug dealers.”

“But don’t you?” Zoe asked. When Connor shot her an annoyed look, she quickly added: “I mean, you do know _some_ , right? How do you get your weed?”

“What, d’you wanna contact my dealer and get in on the action?” Connor asked dryly. 

“No,” Zoe huffed. “But, um...”

“What?” Connor asked, frowning at her.

“I, uh... Don’t be mad. But I saw that guy bringing you home a couple Sunday’s ago, and I just...”

Connor pressed his lips together. “Oh.”

“I just... Is he your dealer? I just... I mean.. I was messaging you to make sure you were safe and he responded and said you were getting high together, and-“ She quickly showed Connor the picture Miguel had sent her.

“I’ll kill him,” Connor said flatly. “He shouldn’t have answered you at all.”

Zoe chewed on her lip, waiting. 

“He’s... not my dealer,” Connor finally said. “Although we do smoke together. He, uh...” Connor shrugged. “He’s my ex.”

“He- what?” Zoe asked, quirking a brow. She hadn’t expected that. 

“Yeah. He’s my ex-boyfriend. We still hang out.”

Zoe nodded. “Huh.”

“What?” Connor demanded.

Zoe shook her head. “Nothing. I just.. guess I shouldn’t be surprised.” She swung her bag over her shoulder. “He’s cute,” she added with a grin, making her way out of the room before Connor could respond. She padded down the stairs, her flip-flops flapping against her feet. 

Connor hurried after her, scowling. 

“Hey,” Cynthia called cheerfully as they tried to make their escape. “Where are you two going?” Beside her, Larry watched them, eyes narrowed with suspicion. 

“Connor’s dropping me at a pool party,” Zoe said smoothly. 

“Are you coming right home, Connor?” Cynthia questioned.

Connor shrugged. “Maybe. Might drop by my drug dealer’s house first.”

Zoe elbowed him in the stomach. He grunted out a laugh, making for the door before his parents could scold him.

“Not funny, Connor,” Zoe snapped as she followed him to his car. She got into the back seat, crossing her arms in annoyance. 

“I thought so,” Connor chuckled. “Why are you in the back?”

“So Evan can sit up front,” Zoe said cheerfully.

“We aren’t picking him up,” Connor reminded her. “He lives two houses down from Jared - he’s walking.”

“Oh,” Zoe said, disappointed. “Well, we have to pick up Alana. If I’m back here, we can sit together and make out.”

“Not in my car,” Connor warned jokingly. “I don’t need to see or hear my little sister making out with anyone.”

“Oh, but when you and Evan get together, you’ll probably do more than kiss back here, and that’s okay?” Zoe huffed.

“Okay, first of all, Evan can’t even be in the same room as me without having a panic attack right now, so I doubt we’ll be making out anytime soon. Second of all, what we might potentially do back there is none of your business,” Connor reminded her. “But if we _do_ get together, you just might want to be careful where you sit next time.”

“Gross,” Zoe groaned.

“Payback,” Connor shrugged, pulling up along the front of Alana’s house. “Text your girlfriend and tell her we’re here so we can get going.”

Zoe stuck her tongue out at Connor, but did as she was told. 

Alana was outside and in the car less than a minute later. She buckled up, greeting Zoe with a kiss.

Connor rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help smiling; Zoe deserved to be happy. He threw the car in drive and headed out.

~*~*~

When they arrived, Jared was already floating in the pool. It looked like Evan had just gotten there; he was setting his stuff down on a lounge chair and stripping down to his bathing suit. Zoe and Alana went over to say hi, dropping their stuff on the chair beside his. 

Connor hesitated, glancing at Jared, who threw him a thumbs-up. He rolled his eyes, making his way over to the others. 

Zoe and Alana took turns helping each other with sunscreen, then took running jumps into the pool.

“Hey,” Evan said uncertainty, feeling suddenly self-conscious, standing before Connor in nothing but his swim trunks - which was ridiculous, considering Connor had seen him in a _lot_ less.

Connor nodded. “Hi.”

“We can still make an excuse to go home, if you want,” Evan offered.

Connor shook his head, taking a deep breath. “Nah. It’s... I’ll be fine.” He glanced nervously at the others, who were too busy splashing each other and laughing to notice him. So he quickly stripped down to his swim trunks, folding his arms against his body self-consciously.

Evan couldn’t help but stare; he’d never seen Connor without a shirt and- He gulped, quickly looking away when Connor caught him staring. 

Connor had expected everyone to stare at his scars. He wasn’t prepared to catch Evan staring at his naked chest, eyes trailing down to his stomach. He was sure Evan’s gaze would have kept going down, had he not been caught staring. 

“Can you, uh...” Evan asked nervously, holding the sunscreen out to Connor. Connor took it. Evan turned around, shivering when Connor’s hands pressed against his back.

“Déjà vu,” Connor joked. 

“Only it won’t end like it did the last time,” Evan assured him. 

“Yeah. You’re good,” Connor added, letting his hands drop to his sides. “Would you mind.. um..” He handed the sunscreen back to Evan, then turned around.

Evan’s throat went dry. He squirted some sunscreen into his hands, hesitated, then pressed them against Connor’s back, rubbing it into his shoulders, then trailing down. His eyes followed the curve of Connor’s lower back, until they settled on his ass. He swallowed thickly, quickly moving his hands back up before they accidentally followed the same path as his eyes. Connor tensed, face bright red. 

“Okay, you’re, uh... you’re good.”

Connor turned back around, not bothering to cross his arms this time, giving Evan an unobstructed view of his chest and stomach. Evan blushed. “Uh- well, guess we should join the others.”

“Yeah,” Connor agreed, hiding his arms against himself again as he trailed after Evan. 

Evan jumped in, swimming immediately to the middle of the pool, needing to put some distance between him and Connor. 

Jared floated over to him, giving him a look. 

“Don’t,” Evan grumbled. 

“Sure,” Jared said innocently. He floated past Alana and Zoe, who grabbed the edge of the pool float and overturned him. They giggled hysterically at him as he came up for air, coughing and spluttering. 

Connor snorted a laugh, making eye contact with Evan, who was also grinning at Jared’s indignation.

Connor swam around for a while, keeping his arms under the water, avoiding the splashing fights and the occasional efforts to throw Jared off his pool float again. After awhile, he relaxed, splashing Evan as he swam past. 

“Hey!” Evan squeaked, splashing him back. Connor grinned, launching himself forward and tackling Evan into the water. Evan came up coughing and spluttering.

“I’m gonna get you for that,” Evan gasped, preparing to revenge-tackle Connor, when a yelp caught his attention. He glanced up. Alana had picked Zoe up and was spinning her around.

“Stop! You’re making me dizzy!” Zoe gasped, slipping out of Alana’s arms. Alana snickered, wrapping her arms around Zoe, pulling her close for a kiss. Zoe giggled into the kiss, wrapping her arms around Alana’s neck. 

Evan flushed, looking away. He mumbled something Connor couldn’t hear, then swam away as quickly as he could. He moved to the shallow end, sitting on the steps, staring off into the distance.

“What’s up with him?” Jared asked as he floated by Connor.

“I- I don’t know. He was fine, and then-“ He shrugged helplessly. He hesitated before swimming over to Evan and sitting on the steps beside him. Evan jumped when Connor splashed him lightly to get his attention. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Evan mumbled, looking away.

“What’s up?” 

Evan shrugged. “Nothing, I’m fine. Sorry. I shouldn’t- I’m gonna go before I-“ He sighed in frustration; he hated when he got so upset that he couldn’t even form words. He stood, mumbling a “see you later” to Connor. He grabbed his stuff off the chair he’d dumped it in, jammed his feet into his flip-flops, then took off before Jared, Alana and Zoe could even process he was leaving. 

Connor frowned after him.

~*~*~

“Hey, bud, didn’t expect you home so soon,” Heidi called. “You alright?”

Evan paused, swallowing his tears. “Yeah, fine. I was just starting to get a headache from being out in the sun, so I decided to come home early. Figured I could get a little more studying in before tomorrow.”

Heidi nodded. “Okay. Well, I can order Chinese food, if you want?”

Evan nodded, though he had no appetite. “Yeah, sure. Sounds great.”

“Go shower and drink some water. I’ll let you know when the food’s here.”

Evan nodded, escaping upstairs.

He stood under the hot shower water for a long time, thinking about Zoe and Alana. He tried to picture him and Connor that happy and carefree, but he couldn’t. 

Connor deserved more. He deserved better than broken Evan Hansen.

~*~*~

**Jared: Hey, what’s up? Why did you bail?**

**Evan: Wasn’t feeling well, sorry.**

**Jared: You sure that’s all it was?**

**Evan: Yeah, had a headache. Too much sun, I guess. Better now, gonna study for tomorrow. G’night.**

Evan sighed, silencing his phone and dropping it facedown on his bed. Jared should be worrying about his exams, not worrying about Evan.

Yet another thing Evan felt guilty for.

~*~*~

“He told Jared he was sick.” Connor sighed as they approached the front door. 

“So maybe he really was,” Zoe shrugged. “Maybe you’re reading into it.”

“I don’t know. He’s just been so weird lately..” Connor shook his head, unlocking the front door. Zoe trailed after him.

“Hey, guys!” Cynthia called from the living room.

Connor tensed; he’d assumed his parents would be in bed by now.

“Hey,” Zoe said cheerfully, planting herself in the living room doorway to try to keep the attention off Connor.

It didn’t work.

“Connor? Did you stay at the pool party?” Cynthia asked, eyeing Connor’s wet hair. She smiled tentatively at him, hope in her eyes.

Connor opened his mouth to argue, to snap, to deny it. But he was drained, so he just shrugged and ran upstairs. Cynthia frowned after him, then glanced at Zoe. Zoe shrugged and ran after Connor. She found him sitting on his bed, frowning at his phone. When she approached, he turned it so she could see it.

**Evan: I’m fine. Just a headache. Too much sun, I guess. See you tomorrow. G’nite!**

“I don’t believe him,” Connor said flatly.

“Well, there isn’t much you can do about it unless you plan on calling him out for it,” Zoe reminded him, shrugging. “Try to sleep, okay? Or study. Something.”

Connor waved her away. She huffed in annoyance, but left. He sat back against his pillows, staring at his phone. He frowned, typing a response. He read and re-read it, then shook his head and deleted it. He tried again, but it was worse than his first attempt at a response. He deleted it again. He huffed in annoyance, typed out a quick response, then sent it:

**Connor: Hope you feel better. G’nite.**

This time, he left out the black heart emoji.


	28. A Complete Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helllooo. So sorry for the long delay in getting this chapter up. I know exactly where I'm going with this, but I'm struggling a little with the chapters leading up to The Big Event. Sorry this is a little short, too. Again, struggling a bit. But We're Almost There. So, enjoy!! :D

When Evan woke up the next morning, his lie had become reality - he had a pounding headache. He groaned, pressing his face into his pillow, wishing it was Connor.

His eyes flew open. Where had _that_ thought come from? He sat up, pressing a palm to his forehead and wincing. He sighed; he had his first final exam today, so there would be no staying home sick to nurse this headache.

He dressed slowly, then slumped downstairs and sat at the kitchen table, dropping his head into his hands.

“Hey, bud, what’s wrong?” Heidi asked, concern in her voice. It felt like every day was a new adventure in the “what’s wrong with Evan?” game.

“Headache. Bad.”

“Still?” Heidi questioned, frowning. She got him some aspirin and orange juice, barely making out his mumbled thanks.

“Is Jared driving you today?”

Evan hesitated. Jared was _supposed_ to drive him. His very real headache would help him cover the fact that yesterday’s headache had been a complete lie, but Jared would still question him about it, and Evan was a terrible liar; he didn’t want to play 20 Questions with how he felt.

“Can- um. Can you drive me?”

Heidi nodded. “Yeah, of course.” She rubbed his neck, then went to grab her keys.

The car ride was silent, which Evan was grateful for - especially since he’d told Jared his mom was driving him, and Jared had blown his phone up with texts asking if he was okay. Evan knew he’d get questioned at school. But at least he could enjoy the silence for now.

Heidi pulled up into the drop-off lane and Evan, trying to avoid awkward conversation, got out as quickly as he could.

“I have to head to work, but I can come get you if you need a ride home, too,” Heidi assured him.

Evan nodded, then winced.

“I packed you some snacks and water. Make sure you hydrate,” Heidi said firmly. “Good luck on your exam!”

Evan watched her leave before making his way into the school.

His first exam was English, so it shouldn’t have surprised him when he saw Connor, Jared and Alana all standing together. He hesitated before walking over.

He wasn’t sure if it was his headache or his random thought from that morning making him act so reckless, but he moved right to Connor, dropping his head against his chest. He sighed, closing his eyes and breathing in his aftershave.

Jared quirked a brow at Connor, who shrugged helplessly, wrapping an arm around Evan’s back and rubbing gently. The movement seemed to startle Evan from his stupor, because he jumped back, eyes wide.

“S-sorry. My head is killing me and, um, your hoodie just looked.. really soft?” He finished lamely.

“So you really _weren't_ feeling well yesterday,” Jared said. “Huh. Okay. Thought maybe you were lying.”

Evan shot him a look, glaring. Jared just shrugged, giving him a strange look.

“We better get moving, it’s almost time for our exam,” Alana said quickly, sensing the tension but not really understanding it; she’d have to ask Zoe what she was missing.

They all trudged silently to their assigned exam room, settling in and waiting.

Evan glanced nervously at Connor, then down at his desk, feeling like an idiot.

~*~*~

“That wasn’t so bad,” Alana said cheerfully as they filed out of the room two hours later.

“Speak for yourself,” Evan groaned, rubbing his temples. “I think I spelled my own name wrong, my head hurts so much.”

Connor frowned at him in concern. “Have you eaten?” When Evan shook his head no, Connor sighed. “Why don’t we do get breakfast?”

“I’m meeting Zoe,” Alana said, waving at them and calling a “later!” as she headed towards the exit.

“I have a date with my new video game,” Jared shrugged, throwing Evan another look before trailing after Alana.

“Okay. Guess it’s just us?” Connor asked, uncertainly. He fully expected Evan to make an excuse and bail.

Evan hesitated. The idea of spending time alone with Connor again, after what had happened the last time.. But food sounded good. And.. so did spending time with Connor.

“Yeah, okay. Sounds good,” Evan said, smiling tentatively.

~*~*~

Connor picked a little diner 15 minutes from the school. They didn’t talk until they’d ordered their food and gotten their drinks.

“So,” Connor started. He paused, sipping his iced coffee. He had no idea what to say to Evan, which was weird. At one point, they’d been so comfortable talking to each other; it was like they’d know each other for years, not months.

But now? Now everything felt precarious, like one wrong move would send them nose-diving off a cliff.

“So..” Evan echoed, searching for something - anything - to say to break the awkward tension. “I’m starting an internship at Ellison next week, as an apprentice park ranger.” He immediately regretted mentioning it. If he wasn’t careful, he’d say the wrong thing, and Connor would _know_.

“Really? That sounds fun!” Connor said, as enthusiastically as he could. “It’s such a _you_ job, surrounded by nature and all those trees.”

Evan nodded, heart pounding at the mention of trees. “Yeah, for sure.”

Their food came quickly, and they ate in silence for a bit.

“So..” Connor finally said, shoving his food around his plate. “I know you’re going to hate me for asking-“

Evan tensed, staring stubbornly down at his food.

“Are we really not going to talk about-“

“Connor, please,” Evan begged. “Please don’t. I can’t. Not yet.” He winced. _Not yet_. Like there would be a future in which they _would_ discuss it. A future in which Evan- He shook his head.

“Fine,” Connor said quickly. “I won’t ask again. But I- I miss you. We barely hang out anymore, and when we do, it’s always awkward and weird now and - and I’m sorry, okay? Can we please just...” He shook his head, dropping his fork. “Nevermind, it’s stupid. Forget it.”

“I-“ Evan swallowed back tears. He missed Connor, too. But he couldn’t let Connor get close again; it would only hurt more when- “I miss you, too,” he blurted.

Connor looked up, making eye contact with Evan.

“I can’t-“ Evan winced, clearing his throat. “I want to hang out again. Like we used to. But I just can’t.. I can’t..” He sighed, trying to convey with his eyes what he couldn’t put into words.

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Connor promised. “I swear I won’t push. But...”

Evan nodded. “Come over for pizza and Netflix tonight?”

“Yeah,” Connor said, smiling. “Yeah, that sounds fun.”

~*~*~

Exam week flew by. Heidi was working late all week, so Connor came over almost every night for pizza and Netflix. There was still an awkward tension between them, but every day that went by, they became more comfortable around each other again.

Evan knew he was being stupid; letting Connor get close would only hurt him more. But he didn’t care. He’d missed Connor: his quiet laugh, his familiar scent, his comforting presence. Evan knew he was being selfish. But he couldn’t help it; he _needed_ Connor.

On the last day of exams, Jared invited everyone over to swim again. The weather was gorgeous, and his dad barbecued burgers and Kosher hot dogs for them.

They all sat around the pool as the sun set, eating desert. Zoe was kicking her feet in the water; Alana sprawled beside her with her head on Zoe’s lap. Jared had pulled up a lounge chair and was lying on his stomach, eyes closed. Evan and Connor sat side-by-side; Evan with his feet in the water, and Connor crossed-legged.

“Can’t believe exams are over and summer is officially here,” Alana sighed. “Senior year, guys...” She glanced up at Zoe, smirking. “Well, not you. You’re still a baby.”

“Hey,” Zoe grumbled, playfully slapping her arm, Alana snickered, capturing Zoe’s hand and lacing their fingers.

Evan pressed his lips together, looking away. Connor was sitting so close beside him; the desire to grab his hand was almost overwhelming. He stuck his hands under his legs so he wouldn’t succumb to the temptation.

“What’re everyone’s summer plans?” Zoe asked suddenly, glancing very pointedly at Connor and Evan.

“Being a lazy bastard,” Jared said with a grin.

Connor snorted. “Isn’t that what you do everyday?”

“Hey,” Jared snapped, glaring at Connor.

“Well, I’ll be here most of July,” Alana said, changing the subject before Connor and Jared could argue anymore. “But my family always goes on vacation in August, so I’ll be gone for a week.”

Zoe pouted. “At least you’ll be here for my birthday.”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” Alana assured her.

“Oh, when’s your birthday?” Evan asked. He was trying hard to make polite conversation, but Zoe still made him nervous; he could _almost_ believe Connor actually liked him, but he still felt weary about Zoe’s motives for doing what she’d done.

“July 23rd,” Zoe said, grinning. “So, what are your plans for the summer, Evan?”

Evan opened his mouth to reply, but Connor beat him to it. “He’s interning at Ellison this summer.”

Everyone stared at Connor. He frowned at them. “What? He is.”

“Uh, yeah,” Evan nodded. “Yeah, apprentice park ranger.”

“That sounds fun!” Zoe said. “What does an apprentice park ranger do?”

“O-oh.. I’m not totally sure,” Evan admitted. “Probably make sure visitors are following park rules, giving directions, stuff like that.”

“That definitely sounds like something you’ll enjoy. I know you love nature and trees - Connor’s told me,” Zoe said, smiling widely at him.

Evan couldn’t help but smile back; Zoe seemed to be genuinely excited for him. Maybe, just maybe, she truly hadn’t been making fun of him that day. Maybe she really had been trying to help Connor. Maybe Connor really _did_ like him.

Maybe.

Evan’s smile slowly fell away. He stared off into the distance, watching as the sun dipped below the horizon. He couldn’t let Connor like him. He couldn’t like Connor back. It was pointless, and too painful.


	29. I Believe You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .... Enjoy.
> 
> :)

When Evan woke up on Monday morning, he quickly became aware of three things:

1- He had fallen asleep on the couch, half on top of Connor.

2- Someone (most likely his mom) had covered them.

3- He was going to be late for the first day of his Park Ranger apprenticeship.

“ _Shit_ ,” Evan yelped, throwing the blanket back. He accidentally smacked Connor in the head in his hurry to jump off the couch and run upstairs.

“Ow! What the fuck?” Connor groaned, startling awake. He rubbed the side of his head, glancing around in confusion. “Evan?” He stood, stretching, then made his way to the kitchen. Evan wasn’t there. He headed upstairs. “Evan?”

He paused in Evan’s doorway, blinking. Evan was naked. Again.

“Shit, sorry,” Connor yelped, blushing bright red and slapping a hand over his eyes.

“I need a ride.”

“I- w-what?” Connor stammered, hand dropping to his side. He caught another glance of full-frontal Evan before he pulled boxers on.

“To work. A ride to work. I’m late! We fell asleep and forgot to set an alarm. I’m late!”

Evan was so frantic about getting to work on time, it hadn’t even registered that Connor had seen him naked again.

“Oh. Right, right.”

Evan yanked on pants and a shirt, hopping around his room as he tried frantically to tug his shoes on.

“Ev, you’re gonna get hurt, chill. I’ll go get the car started.” Connor stared at him for a minute before heading downstairs. He grabbed his car keys and made his way outside, checking his phone while he waited for Evan.

As usual, he had several missed calls, voicemails and text messages from his mom and Zoe, wondering where he was. He rolled his eyes, ready to drop his phone into the cup holder without replying, when a new message came through.

**Miguel: Haven’t heard from u in awhile. Hope ur doing okay, _principito_**

Connor winced. He’d been such a terrible friend to Miguel. He only went to him when he needed an escape, when things went wrong. It was shitty of him, and he knew it was shitty.

**Connor: I’m fine, sorry. A lot has happened.**

**Miguel: Come over?**

**Connor: Be there soon.**

Connor sighed, dropping his phone back into his pocket just as Evan pulled the door open and climbed in.

“I’m- um.. I’m sorry,” Evan said after a few minutes of silence.

“Why?” Connor asked, startled. He glanced at Evan, then back at the road.

“I didn’t even ask if you could- could drive me. I just, um, I just assumed you would and kinda, like, demanded it.”

Connor snorted a laugh. “I don’t think it’s physically possibly for you to demand anything. It was more like a desperate plea.”

“Hey,” Evan huffed, but he was also laughing.

Connor tapped his fingers against the steering wheel, wondering if Evan had even realized that Connor had seen him naked again. He felt like he owed Evan an apology, but he didn’t want to bring it up if he was blissfully unaware.

Or - a hopeful part of him whispered - maybe Evan _had_ realized and... Didn’t care.

They reached the park with only a few minutes to spare before Evan had to report to his advisor.

“I can drive you home, too, if you want,” Connor offered. “Just call me.”

“Oh,” Evan said, eyes widening. “Thanks. I just might.”

Connor smiled at him. Evan tentatively smiled back, throwing out another thank you before pushing the car door open and disappearing into a large building that had a “Park Ranger Station” sign on it.

Connor watched him go, then drove to Miguel’s. As usual, the front door was unlocked for him, and Miguel was sitting on the floor by his window, a joint already lit. Connor sat down beside him and took a hit.

“Hey, _principito_. Long time, no see,” Miguel teased.

Connor puffed out the smoke he’d been holding in. “Yeah, sorry. I’m really shitty at this friend thing.”

Miguel shrugged. “‘S’okay, I am, too. I could have messaged you sooner than I did. So talk to me, how’s life been?”

Connor let out a heavy, dramatic sigh.

“That good?” Miguel chuckled. Connor shot him a glare. “Kidding, kidding. Talk to me, _principito_.”

Connor shook his head, but proceeded to catch Miguel up on everything that had happened since they’d last spoken, including the incident with Zoe on the way to school.

Miguel frowned at him. “Damn. Are you sure this guy is worth it, _principito_? He sounds kinda-“

“Yes,” Connor snapped.

Miguel held his hands up, shaking his head. “Sorry, sorry. Just asking.”

Connor sighed. “Sorry, I won’t destroy your room again, promise.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Miguel joked.

Connor glared at him, lying down with his head in Miguel’s lap. Miguel ran his fingers through Connor’s hair, letting his nails graze Connor’s scalp. Connor sighed contentedly.

“I just... I really like him, M. But I don’t know what to do at this point.”

“I don’t think you _can_ do anything, _principito_. I think you just have to continue being his friend, and let him come to you. Whatever he’s dealing with, he has to come to terms with it on his own. Just be there for him, and let him know you’re his friend, first and foremost. That you’re not going to push him to do anything before he’s ready, and you’re not gonna just abandon him because he’s confused or going through something.”

Connor nodded, eyes fluttering closed. “Mmm. Thanks, M. You’re a good friend.”

“I try,” he said with a grin.

~*~*~

“ _Principito_ , hey. Wake up.”

“Wha-?” Connor yawned, sitting up and rubbing the grittiness from his eyes.

“Your phone hasn’t stopped buzzing.”

“Oh,” Connor sighed, reaching into his pocket. “Shit,” he grumbled, texting frantically. He jumped to his feet, grabbing for his keys, which he’d dropped on Miguel’s desk.

“What is it?” Miguel asked, standing and stretching.

“I promised Evan a ride home, and a movie night. I’m late.”

Miguel snickered. “You sure you guys aren’t dating already? He’s sure got you wrapped around his finger.”

Connor scowled at him. “Shut up.” He paused at Miguel’s door, turning back. “But also... thanks.”

“Anytime, _principito_. Now go get your man.”

Connor threw him a hesitant smile before leaving.

~*~*~

“I’m so sorry, Ev, I- fell asleep.”

“It’s fine, I didn’t wait long,” Evan shrugged, settling in to the car.

Once Evan was buckled in, Connor started driving. They were both silent for most of the trip back to Evan’s, mostly because Evan was exhausted from a long first day. But he also had a million thoughts racing through his head. Like the fact that he’d seen That Tree today. Multiple times.

And the one person he wanted to talk to about it, the one person who might understand... He glanced at Connor, then away, just as they were pulling into his driveway.

“Y’know, I’m really tired from... from today. Can we, um... can I rain check it? We’ll do this tomorrow instead?”

“Oh,” Connor frowned, trying to hide his disappointment. “Yeah, sure. No problem.”

“Thanks. G’nite, Connor.” Evan hesitated, looking as if he wanted to say more, but instead, he got out of the car and went in the house.

~*~*~

“Hey, bud.”

Evan looked up as Heidi entered his room.

“How was your first day at the park?” she asked, sitting on the end of his bed and patting his leg. 

Evan shrugged. “Fine, I guess. Mostly just learning what I’ll be doing and, um, all the rules and stuff.”

Heidi nodded. “I’m surprised Connor isn’t here. He’s been here a lot lately.” She gave him a knowing look.

“I was just.. Tired from today, didn’t wanna hang out with anyone,” Evan shrugged. “He’s coming over tomorrow.”

Heidi nodded. “Okay..” 

“What?” Evan snapped, frowning at her tone of voice.

She shrugged, sensing she was pushing him. She stood and gave him a kiss on the head. “Nothing. Get some sleep, okay? G’nite, bud. Love you.”

“Mom.”

Heidi paused in his doorway, glancing back at him.

“I really do love you,” Evan reminded her. “I know sometimes I’m a brat and a handful and-and a burden. But I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. And I love you.”

Heidi frowned at him. “Evan, you’re _not_ a burden. You’ve _never_ been a burden. And you never _will_ be. I promise you that.”

Evan shrugged. “Okay. But-but I do love you, mom. Really.”

“I love you, too,” Heidi said with a smile. “Really.”

Evan nodded. “G’nite, mom.”

“Good night, baby.” She blew him a kiss, then headed down the hall.

Evan slumped back against his pillows, blinking back tears.

~*~*~

The next few weeks seemed to fly by. Connor would drive Evan to and from work every day, and they’d hang out at Evan’s house each night.

“So, the usual?” Connor asked during Evan’s third week at the park. “I’ll pick you up later and we’ll do pizza and Netflix?”

“Actually.. My, um, my mom is picking me up later, so,” Evan said, fingers working nervously at the hem of his shirt.

“Oh, okay. Should I still come over later?”

Evan gripped his shirt so tightly, his knuckles turned white. “I have an appointment and, um, she wants to get dinner after, so not tonight.”

“Okay, no problem” Connor shrugged. “So, tomorrow then.”

Evan winced. He was silent for so long, Connor almost thought he’d fallen asleep.

“Ev-“

“Connor, I-“

They paused, each waiting for the other to speak.

“Connor, um... I just... you’ve been a-a really great friend to me. I just-“ Evan bit his lip, glancing at Connor, then away. “And I just need you to know that. And.. and I appreciate it.”

Connor furrowed his brow in confusion. “Yeah, of course. Is everything-“

“And-“ Evan said, cutting him off. “And I, um...” He swallowed back his fear, looking up at Connor again. “I believe you.”

“I-“ Connor’s eyes widened in shock. Did Evan mean what he think he meant..?

“I believe you, and-and I believe you weren’t making f-fun of me-“ Evan looked down at his lap again. “I believe you- you like me. And, um..” He licked his lips nervously. “And I like you, too.”

Connor’s mouth dropped open in shock. “Ev-“

Evan quickly unbuckled his seatbelt and grabbed his bag, pushing the door open. “I’m gonna be late. I just...”

“Evan, wait,” Connor said firmly, capturing Evan’s arm. Evan tried to tug away, but Connor wouldn’t let him. “Are you- Can we talk about this?“

“I’m late. I just... wanted you to know that.” Evan glanced at him long enough for Connor to see the tears in his eyes, and then he was out of the car and heading into the ranger station.

Connor stared after him, eyes wide with shock.

Had that really just happened..?


	30. Third Time's The Charm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ... Enjoy? Hehe... :D
> 
> TW: Suicide attempt, blood, broken bones, hospital scenes/medical talk, etc. Some of the medical talk/procedures might not be accurate. I did my best.

Evan loved climbing trees. He’d been climbing trees since he was eight. That was why he’d chosen this as his preferred method. No one would question it. No one would say, “why was Evan in a tree? Was this really an accident?”

No, they’d say, “Evan loved climbing trees. He was _good_ at it. What a tragic accident. But at least he died doing something he loved.”

He shook the thought away, staring at the tree he’d chosen. He had quite a history with this tree. It was the one he had fallen out of when he was 12 and trying to impress Jared. It was also the one Connor had found him in that first day they’d met.

It was tall, over 40 feet tall. It had just enough branches for him to climb high, but not enough to make it easy. When they examined the tree (would they even do that? Would it be considered a crime scene?), they’d say, “Oh, if only he’d chosen a different tree. One with more footholds, more branches. Maybe then he wouldn’t have fallen.”

He sucked in a deep breath. It was his lunch break. His supervisor wouldn’t be expecting him back for at least another twenty minutes. No one would miss him.

His mind went to a lot of different places while he climbed.

He thought about the way fate had brought him here. His guidance counselor thought this would be beneficial to his grades and social skills. Little did she know, it just made things easier; it provided an excuse for why he was at the park in the first place.

He thought about Jared. His “family” friend. He thought about the progress they’d made in their friendship, the things they’d been through. At least he was only Jared’s “family” friend. At least Jared had other friends – _real_ friends - to keep him occupied.

He thought about his mom. He knew his death would hurt her. But she’d be better off, in the long run. She’d learn to cope, and she’d be able to live her life without Evan weighing her down, burdening her with his anxiety and general existence.

And then he thought about Connor.

This was why he’d pushed Connor away. Why he’d refused to listen to him, refused to accept his apology and explanation. Why bother when he’d be dead soon? Why let Connor get close, develop feelings, just to lose him? It was better this way, better for Connor. 

He wondered, briefly, what their future would hold if he didn’t do this. Would they have epic dates and adventures? Would he eventually meet Connor’s parents? Would they kiss? What would happen when they went away to college?

But he shook the thoughts away; Connor would be better off without him. He’d meet someone nice. Someone who wasn’t broken.

His one regret was that he’d admitted he believed Connor liked him, and that he liked Connor back. It had been cruel to give Connor hope when they had no future together. Evan wasn’t sure what had possessed him to say that. It had felt right in the moment, but now it left a pit of guilt in his stomach.

He stopped climbing, panting. He was high. Not all the way at the top, but pretty high. High enough, he thought. He looked down, which made him instantly dizzy. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

All his thoughts swirled together as he loosened his grip.

The first fall hadn’t killed him. The second fall had been interrupted. Third time’s the charm, right?

He took a deep breath, let it out, and silently said goodbye to everyone he loved.

He let go.

~*~*~

He was aware of the blinding, white-hot pain before anything else.

He felt like someone had punched him hard in the sternum, and he felt a trickle of something warm dripping down his face.

And his arm. His arm was numb, yet it was also the source of that agonizing pain. And he could smell something metallic and coppery, so strong it made him gag.

He groaned, trying to sit up, but he collapsed back down onto his stomach. He licked his lips, then spit out the glob of blood in his mouth. He huffed and puffed, rolling himself over onto his back. The pain intensified, and he gasped, curling onto his side and pulling his injured arm close to his body.

His eyes widened in horror when he realized what he was seeing - bone poking through skin. He felt sick, and he barely managed to pull himself up before he vomited into the grass.

He collapsed onto his back again, shaking.

He was alive. He was pretty sure he was alive. The fall hadn’t killed him. 

He had only a moment to grieve this fact when another wave of pain shot through his body. He whimpered, trying to curl into himself, but he couldn’t move; he wasn’t paralyzed, he knew, since he’d been able to move a few minutes ago. But he was exhausted, and having only one working arm made every movement twice as exhausting. So he stayed on his back, blinking blearily up at the clear blue sky.

He hadn’t died.

Logically, he knew he needed to move. He needed to reach for his phone, if it hadn’t been crushed, and he needed to call for help. He also had a walkie-talkie strapped to his belt. But his body was tired. His brain was tired. He had a splitting headache, and he just wanted to close his eyes.

Maybe he would still die.

Maybe it was wishful thinking.

But he knew he was losing a lot of blood, and he potentially had a concussion.

So maybe it wasn’t just wishful thinking. Maybe it was still going to happen.

He wasn’t sure how long he lay there, but eventually he heard screaming and thumping. His eyes were half closed, and someone was telling him to open them, telling him an ambulance was on its way.

No. No. He didn’t want an ambulance. He wanted to die.

“No,” he mumbled, eyes fluttering closed again.

“Hang in there, Evan, you’re going to be okay,” a gruff voice assured him. A hand clasped his shoulder, gentle but firm.

He must have come in and out of consciousness, because he only remembered vague snippets of images - the sound of the sirens as the ambulance arrived, then two paramedics kneeling over him. He remembered a light shining in his eyes; for a minute, he wondered again if he _was_ dead and it was The Light.

They put a c-collar on him, and he groaned in agony when they transferred him to a stretcher and loaded him into the ambulance.

He was pretty sure death didn’t hurt this much.

He must be alive.

~*~*~

“Evan!”

Evan blinked his gritty eyes, too tired to react when Heidi came barreling into the room, shock on her face and fear in her voice.

She knew better than to touch him, so she stood before him, gripping the bed rails so tightly, her knuckles turned white.

“Evan, baby, I’m here. Mama’s here.”

“Mom,” Evan croaked, licking his lips and tasting blood. He winced.

“I’m here, bud, I’m here.”

Evan groaned, trying to sit up. “Gotta.. can’t... I’m-”

“Evan, stop,” Heidi said firmly, sniffling. “You need to sit still, okay, sweetie? The doctors need to examine you, alright?”

“Home,” Evan mumbled, trying again to sit up, but Heidi gently pushed him back down.

“Baby, you need to be examined first.” Heidi tried to keep her voice from shaking; she had to be brave for Evan. “Then you can go home, okay?”

Evan frowned, “Hurts.”

“I know, I know it does.” She lightly rested her hand on his uninjured arm, afraid to touch him anywhere else. “Evan, do you remember what happened?”

Evan blinked tired eyes at her, frowning. He shook his head. “Park..?”

Heidi nodded. “You were climbing a tree at work. It looks like you lost your balance and fell.”

Evan stared blankly at her. “Hurts,” he groaned.

“Can’t we give him something for the pain?” Heidi asked her coworker, Susan.

“Let me check with the doctor,” she said gently, giving Heidi a reassuring hug before bustling out to find the doctor in charge of Evan’s care.

She slumped into the chair at his bedside, tears filling her eyes. Evan was mumbling incoherently, gritting his teeth and holding his arm. She felt helpless.

Finally, a doctor and several nurses filed in, and Heidi was asked to move back so they could get to work. She watched them like a hawk, hating that she had a nurse’s perspective and she knew exactly what was happening and how bad it was.

A buzzing phone startled her. She pulled her phone from her pocket, frowning when she saw she had no notifications. Yet something was still buzzing. It took her a minute to realize it was Evan’s phone. She reached for the bag hanging off his bed, pulling his phone out and punching in his passcode.

**Jared: Hey, dude, where are you?**

**Jared: Thought we were playing video games after you got home today?**

Heidi blinked back tears, quickly typing out a response to Jared:

**Jared, it’s Heidi. Evan’s in the hospital. He fell out of a tree at work. He’s stable but pretty badly hurt.**

~*~*~

Jared stared blankly at his phone, trying to comprehend what he was reading.

Evan had _fallen_ out of a tree? Evan didn’t just fall out of trees. Hadn’t since he was 12. What the fuck had happened??

He quickly messaged Heidi back.

**Jared: !!!!!!! Hospital/rm #????**

**Heidi: Mercy Hospital, room 3406**

**Jared: OMW!**

He jumped to his feet, grabbed his keys and ran downstairs, shouting a quick “Evan hospital bye” to his parents.

It wasn’t until he was in his car that he realized he had to text someone.

**Jared: Evan hurt. Mercy Hospital, room 3406**

He sent the message, threw his phone in the cup holder, and started driving, not waiting for an answer.

~*~*~

Connor was frozen. He read the message over and over again.

Evan was in the hospital.

He had to go there. He had to make sure Evan was okay. Was Evan alive? Was he conscious? How badly was he hurt? Fuck Jared for not telling him anything else.

He scrambled off his bed, shoving his feet in his boots and throwing on his hoodie. He zipped it, then looked around frantically for his keys. He snatched them off his desk, pocketed his phone, then barreled down the steps.

“Connor, where are you going?” Cynthia asked, startled.

“Out,” he snapped, as he passed by her, the slamming of the door cutting off whatever she was trying to say to him.

~*~*~

Connor drove so fast, he beat Jared to the hospital by five minutes. Jared caught up to him just as he was running in the front doors.

“Dude!” Jared called, stopping beside him to catch his breath as Connor pounded on the elevator button.

“Fuck you, how could you send me that message and _not_ tell me how bad he is or what happened?” Connor snapped, voice cracking.

“Hey, I was rushing to get here, too. Sorry I didn’t provide a monologue for you,” Jared snapped back.

Connor seemed to deflate; Jared could see tears in his eyes.

The elevator pinged and they stepped inside. Connor pressed the button for the third floor - harder than was necessary.

“Heidi didn’t say how badly he was hurt,” Jared finally said. “He fell out of a tree at work. She said he’s stable, though.”

Connor’s eyes widened. “ _Fell_ out of a _tree_?”

Jared nodded, pursing his lips. “Yeah.”

Connor raked his fingers through his hair. “Fuck.”

Jared nodded, but didn’t say anything. The elevator doors opened onto the third floor and they stepped out, looking around frantically.

“That way,” Connor said, pointing down the hall. The practically ran, stumbling into Evan’s room.

Evan was asleep. He had a cut above his right eyebrow that had required stitches. He had a black eye forming under that same eye, and a cast on his left arm. Machines beeped and an IV was pumping him full of fluids and antibiotics and who knew what else.

Heidi looked up from where she sat in a chair by his bedside. She stood when she saw it was Jared and Connor.

“Mrs H.,” Jared greeted, choking back tears as she barreled into him and hugged him tight.

When Heidi pulled back, Jared saw she was crying.

“Thanks for coming - both of you.” She sniffled, running her fingers under her eyes to wipe away her tears.

“What happened?” Connor asked, stepping closer. “How bad is it?”

Heidi shook her head. “He was pretty out of it when they brought him in. All I know is he was climbing a tree at work and he fell. He has a mild concussion, a bruised rib and a broken arm. They’re waiting on a few more tests and then he can go home.”

She paused, fresh tears falling. This time, Connor stepped forward and wrapped her in a hug. She sobbed into his hoodie for several minutes before pulling back and trying to compose herself.

“I can’t leave work,” she said suddenly, eyes wide with guilt and panic. “I’ve missed so much work lately, I can’t leave again,” she dropped her head into her hands. “I’m a terrible mother. Someone needs to take him home and stay with him and I can’t. Oh god. I-“

“I’ll take him home,” Connor said quickly. “I don’t have any plans today. I can watch him.”

Heidi sniffled, nodding. “T-thank you, Connor. You’re a good friend.”

Connor flinched, remembering Evan’s confession that morning. Being called Evan’s friend, after that, made his heart ache.

“Mom?” A weak voice called.

Heidi spun around and ran to Evan’s side.

“Hi, baby,” Heidi said softly. “How do you feel?”

“Tired,” Evan mumbled. “Hurts.”

“I know, sweetie. The doctors are going to give you some pain medicine once they finish with a few more tests, and then you can go home, okay?”

Evan nodded. “Sorry.”

“Oh, sweetie, don’t be sorry,” Heidi whispered, gently kissing his forehead. “You’re okay, I promise. It’ll be okay.”

Evan tried to say something else, but the doctor and two nurses came in at that moment.

“Okay, Evan, you’re good to go,” Dr. Rand said cheerfully, giving Heidi a reassuring nod. “The rest of his tests are clear. The concussion is mild enough that he can sleep; just wake him every hour or so. We’re going to give him a dose of pain medicine, plus we’re giving him a prescription for more. It’s _very_ powerful, so don’t be surprised if he behaves oddly or just sleeps a lot - everyone reacts differently. We’ll want him back in a week to check on him, alright?”

“Thank you, Vivian, thank you,” Heidi choked out, hugging Dr. Rand, then the nurses.

“It’ll be okay, Heidi,” Nurse Susan reassured. “Do you need help getting him up and dressed?”

“We can help,” Jared assured her. Connor flushed.

Dr. Rand and the other nurses filed out. Nurse Susan stayed behind to give Evan a dose of the painkiller, then motioned for Heidi to follow her.

Heidi nodded, but paused at Evan’s side first.

“How do you feel?”

“Still hurts,” he grumbled.

“It will until the medicine takes effect. I’ll step out while you get dressed, okay? I’ll be back in just a few minutes, sweetie.” She kissed him gently on the forehead, nodding at Jared and Connor as she left the room.

Evan was so out of it, he didn’t even get flustered when Connor and Jared helped him dress. He barely acknowledged them at all, in fact. He seemed to have fallen into a zombie-like state and was just going though the motions.

Jared got Heidi when they were done.

“Okay, I’ve gone ahead and checked him out so you boys are good to go.” Heidi turned to Connor and handed him the bag with Evan’s things, his phone and his painkillers. “The painkillers are powerful; he shouldn’t need another dose until after dinner. Make sure he takes it with some food so he doesn’t feel sick. And remember, they might make him act loopy and strange. He’s not used to powerful painkillers. He might act almost like he’s drunk. Or he might just get really tired and sleep. Don’t be alarmed, but call me if you think you need to. I’ll keep my cell phone on, just in case. And I should be home by 8pm or so.”

Connor nodded. “I got it, he’ll be in good hands, I promise.”

“Okay,” Heidi nodded. “I’m gonna get back to work. Just check in with me once in awhile. Okay? And don’t forget to wake him every hour or so for a concussion check. And thank you,” she added, pulling Connor into a hug. “Thank you for staying with him. I feel awful but I just can’t leave today.” She moved to Jared and gave him a hug, as well. “I’ll see you boys later.” Heidi shot Evan one final look before leaving them alone.

The pain medicine seemed to finally be working, because Evan was giggling uncontrollably.

“Need help getting him to your car?” Jared asked.

Connor nodded, and Jared wrapped Evan’s good arm around his neck and trailed after Connor, down the elevator, and out to the parking garage. Connor opened the passenger side door, then closed it after Jared had gotten him loaded in and buckled up - Evan giggling the whole time and swatting at Jared, telling him it tickled.

“I’m home all night, so if you need a hand..” Jared shrugged.

“Thanks,” Connor nodded. He fidgeted for a second. “Thanks for texting me. I, um... I appreciate it.”

Jared nodded, then waved and headed off in the direction of his car.

Connor sighed, trying to still his shaking hands as he walked around the car and settled into the driver’s side.

“You doing okay, Ev?” he asked, frowning at the giggling boy.

“You look funny,” Evan snickered, resting his head against the window. “Like a giant puppy.”

Connor couldn’t help but let out a soft laugh. “Okay, I need to get you home to bed.”

He slipped the car into drive, and carefully pulled out of the parking lot, shooting Evan concerned looks every few minutes.


	31. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're welcome ;) Enjoy!

The drive home took longer than usual. As Heidi had warned, the pain medicine was making Evan _seriously_ loopy and giggly. He kept trying to play with Connor’s hair, and kept touching every button and dial he could reach. A few times, he scared the shit out of Connor by yelling at him to stop the car, just so he could point at a dog on the sidewalk and yell, “puppy!”

By the time they pulled into Evan’s driveway, Connor was exhausted - and so was Evan; the long day, pain and adrenaline were finally catching up to him, and he could barely walk from the car to the front door. Connor had to hold onto Evan the whole time to keep him upright.

And then there were the stairs.

Connor knew Evan would _never_ make it up the stairs on his own. So he swung Evan up bridal style into his arms and started walking.

“Ooohh, Connor, you strong,” Evan slurred, giggling. 

Connor chuckled. “And you’re heavy.”

“Hey,” Evan grumbled, resting his head against Connor’s chest. “Don’t be mean,” he yawned, closing his eyes.

“Okay, I won’t,” Connor said softly, gently placing Evan down on his bed. 

He backed away, but Evan pawed at him weakly. “Nooooo, come back,” he whined, patting the bed beside him.

Connor hesitated for only a second before giving in. Evan had almost _died_. If he wanted to snuggle, then Connor would snuggle. He plopped down beside Evan – careful not to jostle the mattress and Evan’s broken arm too much – and Evan immediately curled up as close as he could get to Connor. 

“Mmm, your hair smells good,” Evan mumbled, running his fingers through Connor’s hair. “And it’s soooooo soft.”

Connor snickered. “Uh-huh, yeah, it is, right?” 

“You laughin’ at me? Meanie,” Evan huffed, sticking his tongue out at Connor. “I fall, go boom, and you _still_ laugh at me?”

“What even...?” Connor asked, snickering again. “You’re _so_ far gone. Good thing Heidi warned me, or I’d be freaking out right now..”

“I’m not _sooooo_ far gone,” Evan huffed, pushing up on his good arm. “If I was _soooo_ far gone, would I do _this_?” He leaned in and pressed his lips to Connor’s.

Connor’s eyes widened in shock. He knew he should pull away – Evan was _not_ in a consenting state of mind right now, clearly – but his shock had him completely frozen. Before he could even process anything else, Evan had pulled away and was snuggling back into Connor’s side.

“See? I’m _soooo_ not far-far-far-“ He stuttered into another giant yawn, his brain completely shutting down. He let out a little yip at the end of his yawn, before scooting just a tiny bit closer to Connor, resting his head on Connor’s shoulder, and falling asleep.

Connor blinked several times, trying to figure out if that had _actually_ just happened.

~*~*~

Evan startled awake a few hours later, feeling hung-over. His mouth was dry and his head was pounding. And, oh yeah, there was a sharp, painful throb in his arm. He sat up carefully, the room spinning just a little.

Connor sat up, too, staring at him with the weirdest look on his face.

“Wow,” Evan groaned, rubbing his eyes. “My mom was right, those pain meds were _strong_. I don’t remember _anything_ from before the hospital, and everything from after is... Really fuzzy? And, like, I had the _weirdest_ dream that-“ He cut himself off, blushing.

“That what?” Connor asked, still giving him a funny look. 

“N-nothing... It’s stupid...” Evan was blushing so hard, his face felt warm and flushed.

Connor hesitated, questioning whether he should say something or not. But... Damn, was he tired of doing this Friend Dance. “A dream that... you kissed me?”

Evan’s eyes widened in shock and fear. “I- I... What? W-why would you- I mean, you’re my _best friend_. Why would I even- How did you even _know_ that..??”

“Because,” Connor said slowly. “it wasn’t a dream.”

Evan paled. Oh no. Oh shit. Shit, shit, _shit_. He’d been _so_ careful all these months, walking on eggshells so he wouldn’t act on impulse and _ruin_ the best friendship he’d ever had over stupid, dumb feelings. And in one drugged up moment of dumbfuckery, he’d ruined it all. Completely and totally ruined it all.

“You really don’t remember kissing me?” Connor asked carefully. “Or what you said to me in the car this morning..? 

“N-no..? What- what did I-? I don’t- Oh my god,” Evan groaned, trembling. “I’m so- I just- I’m _so_ sorry, Connor. I get it if you hate me now and never want to speak to me again.” 

“Actually,” Connor said slowly, waiting until Evan was looking up at him again. “I was wondering, since you don’t remember it at all... Maybe we could, uh, do it again? So you, you know, remember it... this time?” 

Evan gaped at him. “I... What?” That was _not_ what he’d been expecting Connor to say... 

“Well, I was kind of hoping... I mean, it’s stupid and it’s okay if you don’t want to... But.. I was kind of hoping our first kiss would be just a little bit more.. romantic.. than that..?” Connor asked hesitantly, turning red. “I mean... That’s cheesy...?” 

“Y-you’ve... You’ve thought about our first kiss before?” Evan squeaked. 

Connor blushed. “Uh.. I mean, _yeah_.. For a _long_ time, actually..” 

“I...” Evan just stared at him. “I just... didn’t think... I mean, I didn’t think you’d... Like me.. Like t-that...” 

Connor huffed a laugh. “Seriously, though? You still don’t think I like you after _everything_ that went down? Because this morning – This morning you said you _did_ believe me. And you said you liked me back.” 

“I- what?” Evan asked, eyes wide. “I-I don’t remember. But- But that day.. In the car.. And-and Zoe-“ 

“ _Wasn't_ making fun of you,” Connor insisted. “And neither was I. I swear. It was just.. a dumb misunderstanding. I’m not really great at this kind of thing,” he admitted with a shrug. “I was scared you didn’t like me back. Or, you know, didn’t like guys at all. So...” 

“I was worried about the same thing,” Evan admitted. “That-that you didn’t like guys, or me specifically.” 

“We’re both dumb,” Connor chuckled. 

Evan still looked completely panicked, like he wasn’t sure if this was actually happening. 

“Ev,” Connor said softly. He placed his hand, palm up, on his leg and waited. Evan stared at Connor’s hand, then up at his face. He hesitated for just another second before placing his good hand in Connor’s. Connor curled his fingers around Evan’s slowly, giving him enough time to pull away if he really wanted to. He glanced up at Evan. “This is for real. Promise.” 

Evan bit his cheek, but nodded, giving Connor’s hand a squeeze. 

“So.. Can I kiss you?” Connor asked. Evan stared blankly at him for a second before finally nodding. Connor leaned forward, maintaining eye contact with him the whole time. Evan’s heart was pounding as he scooted forward to meet Connor in the middle. 

Slowly, oh so slowly, their lips pressed together. 

Connor took his free hand and rested it on Evan’s cheek, deepening the kiss. When they finally pulled apart, Evan was blushing, eyes wide. 

Connor grinned at him. “Think you’ll remember it this time?” 

“Fuck yeah,” Evan said breathlessly. 

Connor snorted, rolling his eyes. “Dork.” 

“I just broke my arm and you’re gonna call me a _dork_?” Evan pouted. 

"Yes,” Connor said with a nod. “I am. But if it makes you feel better, we’re _both_ dorks.” 

Evan sighed, but shrugged. “I suppose.” He stared down at their still-entwined fingers. “So... Is this a thing now?” 

“If you want it to be,” Connor said carefully, hopeful. 

“Mhm... Can you lay back down for a sec?” 

Connor frowned at him, but did as he was told. Evan shifted, scooting down so he could lay his head on Connor’s chest, resting his broken arm across Connor’s stomach. 

"Is... that a yes?” Connor asked, wrapping an arm around Evan’s back and running his hand in soothing circles. Evan’s only response was to tangle his legs with Connor’s. “I guess that’s a yes,” he chuckled. 

Evan was shaking a little bit. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this vulnerable. After so many months of pining, so many months of worrying, of fearing his feelings weren’t shared, and now he was curled into Connor’s arms, surrounded by Connor’s warmth. 

If only this hadn’t come on the heels of him trying to kill himself... The thought pushed its way into his head. And he wanted it gone. He didn’t want to think about that. He didn’t want to be reminded of that. He was finally exactly where he wanted to be - where he felt at home. Nothing else mattered. 

~*~*~

Connor diligently woke Evan every hour, as instructed by the doctor. He whined and protested every time Connor woke him, then promptly fell back to sleep.

Around 7pm, he heard the slamming of the front door and the pounding of feet up the stairs. Connor tensed, staring down at Evan, still asleep on top of him. But he didn’t have a chance to move before Heidi was there.

“I’m home! They let me leave early because of what- Oh.” Heidi paused, taking in the sight before her. She grinned, making eye contact with Connor. “I see Evan’s been in good hands.”

Connor blushed, looking down at Evan. 

“Connor,” Heidi said gently. When he looked up at her again, she smiled at him and nodded. He hesitated before smiling back at her.

“I’ll be downstairs if you need anything,” she reminded him, before walking out, leaving them alone once again.

Connor watched her go, then glanced back down at Evan, rubbing his back again. “I guess this really IS real now, huh?” he chuckled, kissing the top of Evan’s head. He settled back against the pillows; Heidi was home, she’d check on them, he was sure. He could finally relax enough to sleep; he was so tired and Evan was so warm against his side.. His eyes fluttered closed, and he fell into the best sleep he’d had in a long time.

~*~*~

When Connor woke up, it was after 9pm. He sighed, afraid to check his phone; he was sure his parents were wondering where he was. But he didn’t care - let them ground him. All that mattered was Evan.

Speaking of..

Evan groaned, shifting closer to Connor and burying his face in Connor’s side. The movement made him whimper.

“Hey,” Connor said. “You okay?”

“Arm hurts,” Evan grumbled, sounding tired and cranky.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” He rubbed Evan’s back. “We should go eat something. Then you can take more pain medicine and go back to sleep.”

“Not hungry,” Evan huffed.

“You need to eat. You can’t take medicine without eating,” Connor said firmly.

“No,” Evan insisted.

“Evan,” Connor warned.

Evan sighed, trying to sit up, but he was dizzy and his arm hurt. Connor grabbed him before he fell back down, helping him to his feet. 

“I can walk on feet,” Evan grumbled, pulling away stubbornly.

Connor couldn’t help but snicker. “You can, huh?”

Evan glared at him, then stalked out of the room, tripping into things and walking sideways into the wall a couple times. Connor followed close behind, hands out and ready to grab him, just in case.

When they reached the living room, Heidi smiled up at them, but Connor could see the worry in her eyes.

“Hey, sweetie,” she said gently to Evan. “How are you feeling?”

Evan grumbled something that sounded like “arm hurts” under his breath, collapsing onto the couch.

Heidi nodded at the pizza box on the coffee table. “I’m sure you boys haven’t eaten?”

Connor shook his head, sitting beside Evan, who grumbled again about not being hungry. Connor just rolled his eyes and handed him a plate, then reached for his own slice. He leaned back, munching on his pizza; it hit him just how hungry he was as he swallowed the first delicious bite.

Evan huffed, taking small nibbles. He shifted positions so he could lean against Connor. Connor paused mid-bite, glancing from Evan to Heidi and back, but all Heidi did was grin at them as she witnessed the one good thing that had happened today. 

Evan glanced up when he felt Connor shift beside him, catching the look on his mom’s face. His fuzzy brain couldn’t process what was happening; so, he finished his slice of pizza and hid his face against Connor’s arm. Connor blushed, glancing at Heidi again.

“Why don’t you take him back up to bed? He’s cranky,” Heidi snickered, shaking her head.

“Not cranky,” Evan huffed. “Arm hurts.”

“I’m sure it does, bud. You can have another painkiller, okay?” Heidi glanced at Connor. “Take him upstairs, I’ll bring the medicine up.”

Connor nodded. He stood, holding a hand out to help Evan up. 

“I can stand on my own,” he insisted, but he took Connor’s hand, gripping tighter when, after helping him to his feet, Connor tried to pull away. Connor grinned at him, tugging him in the direction of the stairs. Evan grunted, resting a hand over his bruised ribs.

“Oh-“ Connor winced, pausing at the bottom of the stairs. “Sorry, I forgot you had bruised ribs, too.”

“Yeah,” Evan grumbled. “I forgot, too.”

Connor moved aside so Evan could head upstairs first, staying close behind so he could grab Evan if he lost his balance.

Evan pulled a worn t-shirt and a pair of long pants from his dresser, handing them to Connor. Connor hesitated for a second before leaving the room to get changed in the bathroom. He didn’t really care, but he wanted to give Evan some privacy; he still wasn’t completely sure where their relationship stood, and he didn’t want to assume.

When he got back, Evan was sitting on his bed, looking frustrated – and still dressed.

“What’s up?” Connor asked, tossing his clothes onto Evan’s desk chair.

Evan blushed. “I can’t-“

“Knock knock,” Heidi said, stepping into the room. She held a painkiller and a glass of water out to Evan.

Evan hesitated. His arm was killing him, and his bruised rib was starting to throb with every breath he took. But the last time he’d taken this painkiller, he’d _kissed_ Connor. What would happen if he took another? Would he try to-

“Evan?” 

Evan blinked up at Heidi. “I don’t want to take that. It makes me feel.. Weird.”

Heidi pursed her lips. “I know it’s strong, but it’ll help if you’re in pain.”

Evan shook his head. “No, really, I’m good.”

“Stubborn, more like,” Heidi sighed. She placed the pill and water on his nightstand. “In case you change your mind. Good night, boys.”

When she left, Connor turned to Evan, who was blushing again. Connor walked over and sat beside him. 

“I can’t get changed by myself,” Evan mumbled, staring at his lap. “My, um- my ribs hurt every time I try to move to get my shirt off, and the cast is making _everything_ difficult.”

Connor nodded, standing to close Evan’s door. When he came back, he motioned for Evan to stand; he did so, carefully raising his arms over his head. Connor licked his lips, heart pounding, before gently pulling Evan’s shirt off and tossing it onto the bed. He picked up the t-shirt Evan liked to sleep in, and helped him into it. Evan lowered his arms, wincing when the movement tugged his ribs.

Connor rested his fingers on the button of Evan’s pants. Sure, he’d seen Evan naked – twice. And he’d helped Evan get changed at the hospital, with Jared’s help. But it felt different now that they’d kissed.

“Are you good?” Connor asked hesitantly. Evan nodded, though his gaze was fixed on the floor. Connor carefully undid Evan’s button and zipper, tugging his pants down. Evan stepped carefully out of them, and Connor helped him step into his pajama pants, fingers brushing Evan’s leg as he pulled them up. Evan shivered at the contact.

“I can get the sleeping bag,” Connor offered, as Evan slid into bed. 

Evan threw him a look. “Really?”

Connor shrugged. “Just.. Didn’t want to assume.” He climbed into bed beside Evan, who immediately curled up alongside him. He rested his broken arm across Connor’s stomach and his head on Connor’s chest.

“You sure you don’t want another painkiller?” Connor asked. “You’re pretty entertaining when you’re high,” he added, chuckling. 

“Fuck you,” Evan huffed, but he couldn’t help but snicker.

“I mean...” Connor cut himself off, kissing the top of Evan’s head.

“What?” Evan questioned.

Connor bit his lip. “Nothing.”

“What??” Evan asked.

"Goodnight, Ev.”


	32. All the Things Left Unsaid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I'm currently freaking out because this fic just hit over 7,800+ hits and I'm CRYING. Thank you so, so much! I'm SO glad you're all enjoying it so much! This fic is my baby, and I'm shocked and humbled by the amazing response. You all are awesome. Your comments mean the world to me! <3
> 
> So, yeah. New chapter with some fluff and angst and some REALLY ... important ... conversations ;) Enjoy! <3

Sunlight filtered into Evan’s room. He groaned, pressing his face against Connor to block it out. It took him a minute to process everything that had happened the day before.

His “fall.”

Kissing Connor.

Kissing Connor again.

Cuddling with Connor on his bed all night. Feeling safe and warm beside him.

Heidi knew. He’d curled up next to Connor right in front of her. But she hadn’t seemed surprised.

He sighed, sitting up and rubbing his face with his good arm. He glanced at Connor, who was still asleep, lips slightly parted, hair spread out messily against the pillow. He reached an uncertain hand out, brushing away a lock of hair that had fallen across Connor’s face. Connor twitched his nose, eyes opening slowly.

“Hi,” he mumbled, yawning and sitting up.

“Hi,” Evan parroted.

Connor rubbed the sleep from his eyes, trying to stifle another yawn. “How do you feel?”

“Tired,” Evan admitted, staring down at his cast. “Sore.”

“I’m sure,” Connor sighed, running his hand lightly along Evan’s cast. Evan jumped away. “I’m sorry, did I hurt you?”

Evan swallowed, shaking his head. “No. Sorry. Just...” He licked his lips, finally glancing up at Connor. “Just, um... still getting used to the idea that we can.. do things like that.”

Connor frowned at him. “Like what?”

“Just.. casually touch each other.”

Connor smiled at him. “Yeah. We can.”

“It’s... weird,” Evan admitted. “After all this time of trying _not_ to do shit like that because I was scared I’d ruin our friendship- It’s just.. weird”

“Well, you’re not going to ruin our friendship. So try not to think like that,” Connor shrugged, holding his hand out to Evan. Evan hesitated before dropping his hand into Connor’s. Connor curled his fingers around Evan’s and squeezed.

“How can something so simple feel so good?” Evan wondered, staring at their entwined fingers.

Connor smiled at the awe in Evan’s voice. “Can I kiss you?”

Evan glanced up at him, eyes wide. He didn’t remember their first kiss, and the second one was fuzzy. This one he’d remember. He nodded.

Connor scooted closer, leaning in and pressing his lips to Evan’s. Evan leaned into it, deepening the kiss. Connor’s lips were soft, and when he wrapped an arm around Evan, Evan just melted into it, pressing closer. Connor yelped, falling backwards, Evan landing on top of him, letting out a small gasp when his bruised ribs protested the movement. They stared at each other for a second, eyes wide.

“Hi,” Evan finally said, grinning down at Connor.

“Hi,” Connor snickered. When Evan tried to sit up, Connor wrapped his arms tighter around him. “Stay.”

Evan hesitated, but relaxed into Connor’s arms, resting his head on his chest. He shivered when Connor kissed the top of his head.

“Can we just... do this all day?” Evan asked hesitantly.

“Hell fucking yeah,” Connor said with a grin. “You’re the one with a broken arm, we can do whatever you wanna do.” He kissed the top of Evan’s head again, and Evan blushed, hiding his face against Connor’s chest - his new favorite thing to do, now that he was allowed.

Laying there in silence, Evan couldn’t stop his mind from wandering to his broken arm, and the fall that wasn’t a fall. He wondered how long he’d be able to hide that from everyone. He hoped for forever.

“Evan?”

Evan jumped, glancing at Connor.

“You okay? That’s the third time I’ve said your name.”

“Yeah, just tired, still, I guess.”

“Understandable,” Connor murmured, rubbing Evan’s back. “After what you went through, I just-“

“Can we not?” Evan snapped, pulling away from Connor. He winced, resting a hand on his ribs as he sat up, back to Connor.

Connor frowned, sitting up. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Evan grumbled. “I don’t want to think about yesterday, okay?” 

“Oh.”

Evan closed his eyes, taking a deep breath – which hurt – before turning back around to Connor. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean- Just the.. The part where I fell. And all that. It was..” He licked his lips. “I don’t want to think about almost dying when I finally get to- to kiss you and be with you. Can we please not talk about _that_ part of it? I want to remember yesterday for the _good_ things, not the bad.”

“Yeah,” Connor said quickly. “Of course. I get that. Believe me, I get that.”

Evan grimaced, looking down. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to- I’m sorry.”

“Hey.” Connor nudged Evan until he looked up. “It’s okay. Stop apologizing, okay?”

Evan nodded. “Bathroom.” He stood slowly, wincing, before shuffling off.

Connor frowned after him. Truthfully, he was fine with not talking about Evan’s fall. He’d come _so_ close to losing Evan before they’d even had a chance to begin. He didn’t want to think about all the things that would have been left unsaid; it hurt too much.

~*~*~

Evan had fallen asleep again. Not that Connor blamed him; he was probably still exhausted from yesterday, and in a lot of pain. He was content to just lay there, Evan warm beside him, rubbing his arm and planting the occasional kiss on the top of his head. 

Around 4pm, the front door opened and slammed shut. Evan startled awake. 

“Must be mom,” he grumbled, stifling a yawn and settling back against Connor.

Connor frowned, listening as footsteps pounded up the stairs. They sounded too heavy to belong to Heidi.

“Would be nice if _someone_ messaged me to let me know- Oh.”

Evan’s eyes flew open. He stayed, frozen, in Connor’s arms for a second, before he pulled away and sat up, wincing. “Jared.”

“I’d normally make some kind of joke right now, but you almost died yesterday, so I won’t.”

Evan winced, chest tightening the way it would before a panic attack. “Could you not word it that way?”

“You pretended to be an acorn yesterday,” Jared corrected himself.

“Jared,” Evan growled. Connor reached out and took his hand, giving it a squeeze.

Jared nodded. “Anyway, fucking finally. Took you dumbasses long enough.” He shifted from one foot to the other, shrugging. “Anyway, I really just wanted an update on how you were doing. So.. I’m glad you’re okay. I mean... as okay as you can be, considering- I mean.. How are you feeling?”

“You couldn’t just _text_ that to me?” Evan grumbled. If one more person asked if he was okay, he was going to _lose_ it.

“Ouch. I mean, you _fell_ out of a _tree_ , Evan,” Jared huffed. “And you’re my best friend. Excuse me for wanting to check on you in person.”

Evan paled; it didn’t escape his notice that Jared had emphasized certain words, and was now giving him a curious look. “Well.. Well, you did. You checked on me and, um.. And I’m _fine_. So..”

Jared frowned. “Mhm. Well..” He glanced at Connor, trying to convey what he was thinking with his eyes, but Connor just frowned at him in confusion. Jared sighed, shaking his head. “Well, congrats again; you two make a _lovely_ couple.”

With that, Jared turned on his heel and left.

“What was _that_?” Connor asked Evan, frowning. “He was trying to be _nice_ and check on you. He was freaking out when you were in the hospital, and you just-“

“ _Fine_ ,” Evan snapped. “I’m an _asshole_ , okay?” He rolled over, putting his back to Connor.

“Ev-“

“Leave me alone, Connor,” Evan snapped. 

Connor sighed, but pressed his lips together. “Fine, be a brat. But I’m not going anywhere.” He settled back against the pillow, staring at the ceiling, worry nagging at him.

Evan, meanwhile, was blinking back silent tears.

~*~*~

When Heidi got home around 10pm, she brought a late dinner with her. She did her best to make small talk, but Evan was barely speaking. Connor tried to keep the conversation going for Heidi’s sake.

“So,” Heidi said suddenly. “How do you feel, bud?”

Evan paused mid-bite. He glanced slowly at Heidi, scowling. “Tired of being asked that.” He dropped his fork, shoved his chair back and abruptly stormed upstairs. They could hear his door slamming shut behind him. Heidi turned to Connor, eyes wide with worry.

“Has he been that way all day?” Heidi asked, eyes watery.

“I-“ Connor frowned after Evan, shaking his head. “He doesn’t want to talk about yesterday at all. And I get it; he almost died. He must be shaken up, especially since it happened while doing something he’s good at. I’m sure his ego is a little bruised. But.. Yeah, he’s been like that all day. Jared came over to check on him, and Evan completely snapped at him.”

Heidi frowned. “He’s probably just tired. And probably still in pain and shaken up, like you said.”

Connor shrugged. “Yeah.. Maybe.” He chewed on his lip, pushing food around his plate. “So, um...”

Heidi glanced at him, tilting her head in question. Connor hesitated; he wasn’t really sure _why_ he was bringing this up, or if it even _needed_ to be brought up. But he was curious. And he _really_ wanted to talk to Heidi about it, as weird as that was.

“We haven’t exactly talked about.. Um..” Connor shrugged, blushing. “You didn’t seem surprised, is all.”

“Oh,” Heidi said, understanding washing over her. “Well, I think I knew that very first day that I met you. I could just tell, with the way Evan behaved around you. It was obvious.”

Connor nodded. “Did you know he was-“

“He hadn’t told me yet,” Heidi admitted. “But I knew. I’m his mother. He likes to pretend I don’t know anything about him, but a mother always knows.”

Connor looked up at her, eyes wide. Was that true..? Did _his_ mom know? What about his dad? Was it a parental thing? Or just a mom thing? He’d been so afraid of coming out to them, and it was possible they already knew. Or his mom did, at least. Maybe. But if she did... And she hadn’t said anything... What did it mean?

“Connor?” Heidi asked gently, afraid of startling him.

He blinked, focusing on Heidi again. “S-sorry, I, um.. Spaced out..”

Heidi frowned. “Are you okay?”

“Is that true?” he blurted.

“Is what true?”

“That you knew before Evan told you?” Connor forced himself to say. “That.. That a mother always knows..?”

Heidi considered his question for a minute before leaning over the table and holding her hand out to him. He hesitated before placing his hand in hers. She gave him a comforting squeeze.

“You haven’t told your parents, have you?” she questioned.

Connor shook his head. “No.”

“Connor, I know I don’t know much about your relationship with your parents. But _as_ a parent, I can tell you that they _do_ love you. And they’re trying their best. I get the impression you aren’t close with them, and maybe you have your reasons for that. But I can promise you they’re trying. They may not be perfect – god knows I’ve made plenty of mistakes, trying to raise Evan as a single parent – but I think you need to give them more credit for that.”

Connor snorted a laugh, trying hard not to roll his eyes. 

“Hey,” Heidi said firmly, forcing him to look at her again. “I don’t know what you’ve been through, and I don’t know what they’ve done. But I just think it’s worth giving them the chance to _try_ to make it up to you. If they screw up again, then, you know what, you _are_ allowed to be upset with them or not talk to them or... whatever. But they might surprise you.”

“Maybe,” Connor mumbled, shrugging. “I just... We just haven’t been close for so long. It’s weird to imagine them being... on my side. And- and the idea of telling them I’m...” He swallowed, making eye contact with Heidi. “The idea of telling them I’m bisexual is _terrifying_.” 

Shit. Connor hadn’t said that out loud to _anyone_ before now. Evan, Jared, Zoe – even Miguel – all knew he liked guys, sure. But he hadn’t exactly gone into detail with them, hadn’t put a label on it. Heidi was the first person he’d actually said it out loud to.

“I can’t imagine,” Heidi admitted. “But I still think you need to give your parents a chance to know you – the _real_ you.”

Connor took a deep breath in then let it out, nodding. “I- You’re probably right.” 

“I don’t know if this helps or not, but I’m here if you need anything – even just moral support.”

All Connor could do was nod. He was afraid if he spoke, the tears would fall and refuse to stop. Heidi seemed to sense he was at his limit. She stood up and crossed to his side, pulling him in for a side hug and kissing the top of his head.

“Why don’t you go get some rest, okay?”

Connor nodded, standing. He paused, turning back to Heidi and hugging her properly. She wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight and rubbing his back. When he pulled away, he sniffled, embarrassed, before escaping back up to Evan’s room.

~*~*~

Connor startled awake the next morning. He glanced down at Evan, asleep in his arms for the second morning in a row. Connor smiled at him; he could get used to this. He almost closed his eyes again when it hit him that this was _the second morning in a row he'd woken in Evan's bed_.

“Shit,” he grumbled, pulling his silenced phone out of his pocket. The number of missed calls, voicemails, and text messages was dizzying. But the newest one from Zoe had him cursing.

**Zoe: Dad’s on the phone with his cop friend, filing a missing persons report. You better answer me already, Connor. We're all worried sick**

Connor sighed, shifting around so he could reply. Evan whimpered a protest, rolling over onto his back.

“Wassamatter?” Evan slurred, yawning and rubbing his gritty eyes.

**Connor: Tell dad he can stop, I’m fine. Coming home.**

“I have to go,” Connor admitted, chewing the inside of his cheek. “I’m sorry, my parents are freaking out. I’ll be back as soon as I can, okay?” 

Evan frowned. He wasn’t sure if he trusted himself alone. Connor must have noticed his hesitation.

“I can stay if you need me to. Or I can text Jared and have him come over.”

Evan winced at the suggestion. “Um. I guess if Jared wants to come over..? I owe him an apology, anyway.”

Connor nodded. “I’m sorry, I wouldn’t leave you if I could help it, but my dad is actually trying to file a missing persons report on me. So.” He sighed heavily, leaning down and planting a gentle kiss on Evan’s lips. “Want me to wait until Jared gets here, or..?”

Evan shook his head. “I’ll be fine for a few minutes, promise.”

“Okay. Stay in touch?” Connor stood, sending Jared a quick text to come over and stay with Evan. He shrugged into his hoodie, then grabbed his car keys off Evan’s dresser. Evan watched him go, feeling anxious for more reasons than he cared to admit.


	33. And He Broke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiii :) Shout-out to everyone reading this story. You're all amazing and I adore all of you! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter. There's... A LOT... happening in this one, so.. ;)

Connor sat in the driveway for several minutes, mentally preparing for the fight he was about to have with his parents. He would have stayed in his car forever, if it weren’t for Larry opening the front door, arms crossed and a look of barely suppressed rage on his face. Connor sighed. It was now or never. He got out of the car and reluctantly made his way inside the house, the front door slamming shut behind him as Larry followed.

When he entered the living room, Cynthia jumped off the couch and ran to him, pulling him in for a hug, gripping as tight as she could.

“Oh, Connor,” she cried. “We were _so_ worried!”

Connor sank into her hug, the stress and fear of the last few days finally hitting him hard. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled into her shoulder, struggling to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. 

“You’re _sorry_?” Larry roared. “Connor, you’ve been gone for _two days_. I was ready to file a missing persons report on you! Where the _hell_ have you been?”

Connor pulled away from Cynthia, frowning at his father. “Just ground me and be done with it. I’m too tired for this.”

Larry stared at him, a look of calm fury settling over his features. “I want an explanation this time. Now.”

“Connor, sweetie,” Cynthia begged, taking a step closer to him. 

Connor shrugged, too tired to try to argue or explain. 

“I’m tired of this behavior, Connor,” Larry snapped. “Are you high?”

“Do I _look_ high?” Connor sneered. “Do I smell like pot? Because I don’t think I do.”

Larry shook his head. “Two weeks. No, three. No.. The _rest_ of the summer. You’ll have a _strict_ curfew, and you won’t be going _anywhere_ unsupervised. Give me your car keys.”

Connor’s mouth dropped open. “Fuck you.”

“ _Connor_ ,” Larry said sharply, holding his hand out. “I’m _done_. Your behavior is _unacceptable_ , and I don’t know _how_ to get through to you anymore. Keys, now.”

Connor looked to his mom, eyes wide, begging for help. But she just shook her head, tears filling her eyes.

“Fuck you both,” Connor snarled, turning on his heel and making his way upstairs, stomping his feet a little harder than was really necessary. He knew he was acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum, when it was _his_ fault for thinking he could get away with constantly sneaking out and staying gone. But if his dad _actually_ grounded him for the rest of the summer _and_ took his car away, he’d never get to see Evan. He could only hope his dad would calm down later or tomorrow, and relax his punishment.

He paused in Zoe’s doorway. She was sitting on her bed, staring towards the hallway, like she was waiting for him. He stepped inside and dropped down onto the end of her bed.

“So..”

“So,” Connor huffed. When Zoe quirked a brow at him, he sighed. “I was with Evan. But before you get mad at me for just staying gone for so long, I have a _really_ good reason for it this time.”

When he didn’t elaborate, Zoe quirked a brow. “Are you going to tell me or am I going to have to guess..?”

“Evan was in the hospital,” Connor finally admitted. “He fell out of a tree at work, and he was pretty badly hurt.”

Zoe’s eyes widened. “Oh my god! Is he going to be okay?”

Connor nodded. “He has a broken arm, a bruised rib and stitches over his eye, but it could be worse. But Heidi had to work and she didn’t want Evan left alone and I, um.. I volunteered to stay with him.” He pressed his lips together, feeling his face heat at the memory of Evan curled up alongside him.

“And that’s making you blush because..?” Zoe asked suspiciously.

“ _Welllll_ ,” Connor said, drawing the word out. “Evan was high on painkillers and... Um. He sort of.... kissed me?”

Zoe shrieked, sitting up. “Connor!”

“And then he fell asleep and when he woke up... he thought it had been a dream.”

“If you tell me you didn’t correct him, and you’re _still_ pining after him, I’m going to slap you so hard-“

“No, no, I-“ Connor blushed. “I corrected him. And we, uh, kissed again?”

Zoe shrieked, flailing her hands. “So are you guys..?”

Connor shrugged. “I don’t know what we are at this point, he’s still kind of out of it from his accident, so we haven’t really had a chance to discuss it. But we kissed. And he slept in my arms all night.” He blushed again, covering his face with his hands. “His mom saw us, too. But Heidi’s cool, unlike our parents.”

“Maybe you need to give them a chance,” Zoe shrugged. “Maybe they’ll surprise you.”

Connor snorted. “Maybe mom, I don’t know about dad – did you _hear_ him yelling?” He frowned. “Have you thought about coming out to them? Or, at least to mom?”

Zoe shrugged. “Yeah, I don’t know. I’m a hypocrite, I guess, because I’m telling you to, but I’m not ready,” she admitted.

“You’re not a hypocrite,” Connor assured her. “It’s on _your_ timeline. But I think you might be right about me. I can’t keep sneaking off to Evan’s and thinking they won’t care.” He sighed heavily. “If dad doesn’t calm down and lighten up my punishment, I won’t get to see Evan _at all_ the rest of the summer. I _can't_ lose him when I’m _finally_ with him.”

“Well,” Zoe said slowly. “Alana‘s planning on coming over for my birthday. We were just gonna watch movies in the basement. What if you invited Evan and we all hung out? It would take the pressure off; it would just look like four friends hanging out. And then if you _wanted_ to tell them more...”

Connor frowned. “I don’t know. Your birthday is only a few days away and I’m technically grounded now. Plus, he _just_ had his accident - I don’t know if he’s up for it, but I’ll see.”

“I get it. I just-“ Zoe sighed. “I still owe him an apology for everything that happened. Maybe he’ll accept it now that you guys are together. I still feel awful.”

“It’s all working out, so don’t feel bad,” Connor shrugged, pulling her in for a hug.

Zoe nodded, hugging him back as tightly as she could. “I’m so happy for you, Connor. I mean, happy for the Evan thing. Not the grounded thing.”

“Thanks, Zo.” Connor sighed, a steely look on his face. “I don’t care what dad says, I’m going back to Evan’s tomorrow. I’ll ask him about your birthday then.” He stood, making his way to her door. He turned around, a look on his face like he was going to say something more. But then he opened her door and stepped out, making his way slowly to his own room. He collapsed on his bed, staring blankly at his ceiling.

His bed felt empty without Evan beside him.

~*~*~

“So.”

Evan glanced at Jared, a weight settling in his stomach. Jared had arrived within minutes of Connor leaving. They’d settled in the living room, mindlessly watching Netflix. Neither had said a word – until now.

“You and Connor. Finally,” Jared said, giving him the thumbs up. “Told you he liked you, dumbass.”

Evan flushed, narrowing his eyes. “If the only reason you agreed to come over was so you could make fun of me-“

“No, actually,” Jared snapped, pausing the Disney movie he’d put on. “I came over because you’re my friend and I actually _am_ worried about you.”

“Sorry,” Evan mumbled, staring down at his hands, picking at his cast.

“Evan.”

Evan jumped, glancing up at Jared. He shrank back, not liking the look Jared was giving him.

“So. You fell?”

“I- What?” Evan asked, eyes widening.

“You fell out of that tree?”

“I... Y-yeah,” Evan stammered. “I mean... Yes. I fell. What- My mom told you that, right?”

“She did,” Jared said, nodding slowly. “Because that’s what everyone told her. Because that’s what everyone _assumed_ happened. Is that _actually_ what happened?”

Evan paled. “W-why would you ask me that? Of course that’s, um, of course that’s what happened.”

“Are you _sure_?” Jared pressed. “Because I _know_ you, Evan. You haven’t fallen out of a tree since you were _twelve_.”

“So?” Evan snapped. “Accidents happen. I slipped, okay?”

“Accidents,” Jared echoed dully. “Right. You’re sure that’s all it was – an accident?”

Evan swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. “I-“

“Because if it _wasn't_...” Jared sighed, trying to calm down. “If it wasn’t, it’s okay. You’re okay, dude. We can talk to Heidi and-“

“Fuck you,” Evan snapped, jumping off the couch and stumbling away, putting as much distance between himself and Jared as he could. “Fuck you, Jared. You can _leave_. _Now_ , please.”

Jared stood, stepping closer to Evan. “Evan, you need _help_. Just say the word and I’ll-“

Evan pointed at the front door. “Leave. Now.”

Jared huffed in frustration. “I don’t think you should be alone right now.”

Evan blinked back angry tears, stomping to the front door and pulling it open. Jared gritted his teeth, but made his way to the front door; he knew Evan well enough to know that he wasn’t going to get anywhere with this today. 

“Just.. I’m here when you’re ready to talk,” Jared said quickly. “Don’t do anything stupid, okay?”

And then the door slammed in his face.

~*~*~

“Connor.”

Connor jumped, glancing at Cynthia. She stood tentatively in the middle of his room. He tensed, bracing himself.

“What, did dad send you in here to take my keys from me? And my phone, too, I’m guessing?” he sneered, turning to glare back up at his ceiling.

Cynthia shuffled closer. “Can I-?” she pointed at his bed.

He frowned, shrugging. “Whatever.”

“Connor,” she began hesitantly, sitting beside him. “Are you.. okay?”

“Am I- _really_?” he sneered.

“Connor,” Cynthia sighed, voice gentle but weary. 

Connor’s sneer fell away as it sank in just how tired his mom looked. As tired as he felt. He dropped his head back onto his pillow, staring at his ceiling to avoid looking her in the eye. He could feel tears welling up again, and he wasn’t sure if he could stop them. 

And then her hand was in his, squeezing gently.

And he broke.

He gripped her hand so tightly, she actually winced, but she didn’t pull away. He held on like his life depended on it, like she was a lifeline and he’d drift away without her anchoring him. 

“Connor, please,” Cynthia sniffled, scooting closer. “Please let me help you. Please let me in.”

He shook his head, but sat up and threw himself into her embrace. She wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close, rocking him gently as she rubbed his back.

“It’s okay, baby,” she murmured, kissing the side of his head. “It’s okay.”

It took several minutes before Connor managed to calm down. He pulled away suddenly, scooting back against his pillows, crossing his arms sullenly. But his sniffles – and the tears still rolling slowly down his face – gave him away.

“Connor, your father and I were _worried_ about you. You were gone for _two_ days. We thought something _terrible_ had happened to you. Please, talk to me. Where were you?”

When Connor didn’t respond, Cynthia stood, sighing. 

Another dead-end. 

Maybe, eventually, she would get through to her son. Maybe, eventually, he would open up to her. 

She turned, slumping in defeat as she made her way to his door.

Connor watched her go, nerves on fire. He thought about what Zoe had said. But telling them about Evan would change _everything_. Or maybe he was just being stupid and stubborn. Maybe-

“I was with a friend,” he blurted, before he could stop himself. When Cynthia turned to look at him, eyes wide, he slapped a hand over his mouth.

“A friend?” Cynthia asked, trying to keep her voice calm, to sound curious yet casual. If she sounded too eager, Connor would shut down. But if she didn’t act at least a _little bit_ excited for him, he’d think she didn’t care; it was a fine line to walk.

Connor stared at her, mouth clamped shut. Several seconds of silence passed before he slowly nodded. 

Cynthia sat back down, placing a hand on his knee. She couldn’t help but smile, the hopefulness in her voice obvious when she responded with, “Connor, that’s wonderful! Why didn’t you just tell us that in the first place?”

“Um.” Connor flushed, staring down at his nails and picking at the polish.

“If we’d known you were safe with a friend, we wouldn’t have been so worried,” Cynthia added. “What’s their name?”

“Evan.” Connor winced; saying Evan’s name out loud to his mom felt so weird. 

“Well, I’m happy for your, Connor. I really am. I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell us you were going to be spending a few days with Evan.”

“I-“ Connor hesitated, swallowing back his nerves. “I didn’t know I was, either. He, uh.. He was in the hospital.”

Cynthia’s eyes widened in shock. “Oh, Connor! Is he okay?”

“He works- or, interns, I guess - at Ellison and he was, um- he likes to climb trees and I guess he lost his grip and- and he fell. So. He broke his arm, bruised a rib...” 

Cynthia frowned, tilting her head in question. “The other day... when you ran out so suddenly. You were going to see him, weren’t you?”

Connor nodded. 

“Why didn’t you just say so?”

Connor opened and closed his mouth, but couldn’t find the words to explain, so he just shrugged. 

“Oh, Connor.” Cynthia sighed, tears welling in her eyes. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry your father and I have made you feel like you can’t tell us anything, even something _good_ , like this.”

Connor shrugged again, biting nervously at the inside of his cheek.

“How long have you and Evan been friends?”

“Oh, uh-“ Connor paused, licking his lips. He’d picked half his nail polish off, so he moved on to picking a loose string on his jeans. “Since March.”

Cynthia frowned, thinking back. So many things made sense now - more things than Connor was ready to talk about, clearly. 

“Well, thank you for telling me. I’ll talk to your father and see if we can reduce your punishment. You still stayed gone for two days without telling us where you were, but maybe we can do a week instead of two, okay?”

Connor opened his mouth, a question on the tip of his tongue, but he hesitated. He wasn’t really in a position to ask for favors. He pressed his lips together, looking down.

“What is it, sweetie?” Cynthia asked, brushing a lock of hair out of Connor’s face. He flinched, but didn’t pull away. “Talk to me.”

He took a deep breath, letting it out before looking up at her. “His mom- she’s a single mom and, um, well- she has to work. A lot. And she doesn’t really want him home alone right now, and he only has one other friend, and-“ He cut himself off, casting his eyes down again. “I-I know I have no right to ask for favors. But..”

Cynthia frowned. “Well, he could come here. That way you’d still be technically grounded - no driving, no phone - but he wouldn’t be-“

“He can’t drive,” Connor blurted. “And even if he could in general, he has a broken arm. I’d still have to go get him. And-and he’d probably be more comfortable in his own house than here.”

“I don’t know if your father will agree to let you go spend time at someone else’s house when you’re grounded,” Cynthia admitted, frowning. “I’ll see what I can do. I’d like to speak to his mom, as well. And you’d have to check in when you get there and when you’re on your way home.”

“Why do you have to speak to his mom?” Connor asked quickly, panic rising in his chest. “Heidi won’t mind, she’s cool.”

Cynthia quirked a brow. “You call his mother by her first name? 

“She insisted,” Connor mumbled. 

“Hmm,” was all Cynthia said, frowning at him. “Well, call me overbearing, but yes. I’d like to speak to her. You’re still my son and I’d like to know where you are and who you’re spending time with. It would just make me feel better.”

“You mean you don’t trust me, so you want to make sure I’m telling the truth,” Connor scowled. He should have known better than to think admitting he had a friend would suddenly change anything. 

“Believe it or not, Connor, I _do_ trust you. But it’s a mom thing.” She could tell he was shutting down again. She stood, kissing the top of his head. “I’ll speak to your father.”

Connor watched her go, blinking back tears. He felt drained, and he wasn’t completely sure why. 

He hesitated before sneaking after her, planting himself on the stairs, just out of sight.

“A _friend_?” Larry’s voice echoed up from the living room.

“That’s what he said,” Cynthia responded. Connor could hear the excitement in her voice. 

“How do we know he’s telling the truth? For all we know, this Evan could be his drug dealer,” Larry said dryly.

Connor gripped the railing tightly, gritting his teeth. Of course his dad didn’t believe him. 

“Larry!” Cynthia huffed, frustration in her voice. “At some point, you need to _try_ to trust your son. You didn’t see him; you didn’t see how hard it was for him to admit to me that he has a friend. _We_ did that to him, _we_ pushed him away, and made him think he can’t tell us anything. That’s on _us_ , not him.”

Larry scoffed at his wife. “I’ll believe it when I see this friend in person.”

“Well, you will,” Connor snapped, stomping into the living room. Larry and Cynthia startled, looking up at him. “He’s coming over for Zoe’s birthday.” He turned on his heel and stalked towards the front door.

“Where do you think you’re going? You’re still grounded!” Larry called after him.

“To Evan’s,” Connor snapped, glaring back at them. “You know, my drug dealer, _obviously_.”

He was in his car and peeling out of the driveway by the time Larry got outside. He stared after his son’s disappearing car, a strange feeling in his chest. He couldn’t pinpoint what it was, exactly, but it felt a lot like guilt.


	34. Ask Him What Happened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy. I'm SO sorry for the long delay. I hit a bit of writer's block. This chapter is a little short, but it was really fun to write and a few important conversations happen in it. Promise the next chapter won't take so long. Enjoy! <3

“Ev?” Connor called as he closed the front door behind him. He peaked into the living room. “Jared?”

No answer.

He frowned, making his way up to Evan’s room, where Evan was curled against his pillows, looking sullen and like he’d been crying.

“Hey,” Connor said cautiously, sitting on the end of Evan’s bed.

“Hi,” Evan said stiffly, avoiding eye contact.

“Where’s Jared?” Connor asked, placing a hand on Evan’s knee. He flinched away.

“We...” Evan paused, shaking his head. “His mom needed help with, um, things.”

“Sure,” Connor said slowly, not really believing him.

“Were your parents really mad?” Evan asked quickly, hoping to change the subject.

“Oh, um...” Connor winced. “About that...”

“What?” Evan demanded, anxiety spiking. After his fight with Jared, he wasn’t sure he could handle whatever Connor was about to say.

“My dad and I kind of had... a _huge_ fight. And then I kind of... blurted out the truth to my mom when she checked on me...”

“You mean...” Evan’s eyes widened, as he pointed between them.

“Not _that_ part,” Connor said quickly. “Just... about us being friends and that I was with you because you had just gotten out of the hospital.

Evan frowned, nodding. “Okay... There’s more though, isn’t there? What’s wrong..?”

Connor felt his heart skip a beat; Evan could already read him like a book. He licked his lips, rubbing circles into Evan’s leg absentmindedly.

“My dad didn’t believe I had a friend. He said you were probably my drug dealer. And I-I got mad-“

“Oh no,” Evan groaned. “They want to meet me to prove I’m real, don’t they?”

“Uh... kinda?” Connor ran a hand through his hair, sighing. “I sorta said you were coming over to hang out with me, Zoe and Alana for Zoe’s birthday, and they’d see you were real then?”

Evan paled. “I- But..”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” Connor said quickly. “Zoe invited you for real. She wants to make up for all the bullshit that happened. I was going to ask you if you wanted to; I didn’t mean to just, like, promise you’d be there.”

Evan took a few deep breaths to calm his breathing. He didn’t want to have a panic attack. He really didn’t.

“You owe me,” was all he finally managed to choke out.

“You’re the best,” Connor sighed, leaning forward and kissing him. When Connor pulled away, Evan scrambled closer, pulling Connor back in for another, longer kiss. When they finally broke apart, Connor was grinning.

“I really, um-“ Evan blushed. “I really like doing that.”

“Me, too,” Connor agreed, squeezing Evan’s leg.

~*~*~

The days leading up to Zoe’s birthday seemed to fly by. Cynthia had convinced Larry to reduce Connor’s grounding to a week, and he’d agreed to let Connor keep his car and phone, and have Evan over for Zoe’s birthday. Truthfully, Larry had agreed because he was curious to meet Evan. It made Connor nervous, but he hoped things would be better once he didn’t have to worry about sneaking around to hang out with Evan. 

He parked in Evan’s driveway, lost in thought as he made his way to the front door. He was trying to picture what it would be like to casually tell his mom he was going to hang out with Evan, when Jared approached him.

“Oh, hey,” Connor greeted. “What’s up? What happened to you the other day? I would have come back sooner if I’d known your mom needed your help with stuff.”

Jared frowned. “Is that what Evan told you?”

Connor nodded. “He said your mom texted you and needed you to come home. I would have come back sooner, if I’d known. Although I’m technically grounded but-“ He shrugged.

“Huh,” Jared nodded, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught movement in the front window of Evan’s house. He frowned, staring at Evan’s terrified face for a second before turning back to Connor. “Has Evan talked about his accident?”

“Not at all,” Connor sighed. “I think it scared him. He could have died-“ Jared let out a snort, cutting Connor off.

“Right. Maybe talk to him about it when you get a chance.” Jared glanced back at Evan, who must have realized he’d been caught staring, because the curtain fluttered closed. “Ask him what happened.”

“Why? He doesn’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to force him to relieve his accident.”

“Connor, can you please just trust me and do it?” Jared demanded.

Connor frowned, taken aback; Jared hadn’t spoken to him like that in months. “Okay, dude, fine. But not today. It’s my sister’s birthday and Evan is meeting my parents for the first time. I don’t want to upset him anymore than he probably is.”

Jared scowled, but nodded. Without another word, he turned on his heel and walked away. Connor watched him go, brow furrowed. When he turned around, Evan was hurrying down the front steps to him.

“Hi,” he said breathlessly, shifting onto his tiptoes to kiss Connor. He stumbled, falling against him.

Connor wrapped his arms around Evan, steadying him. “Excited to see me, huh?” He gave Evan a quick peck on the lips, then motioned them to get going.

They were halfway to Connor’s when Evan finally spoke.

“So what did Jared want?” He winced when his voice cracked.

“Just wanted to hang out,” Connor lied smoothly. “Told him our plans and he said another day was cool.”

Evan nodded, picking anxiously at his cast. “Oh.”

“You okay?”

Evan nodded again. “Mhm. Just anxious. You’ve talked so much about how much you don’t get along with your parents, so-“

Connor took his hand, squeezing. “My mom’s been trying. She might be a little over-bearing and excited to meet you, but she’s harmless. My dad... I don’t know what to expect from him. But if he’s an ass, we’ll leave, okay?”

Evan nodded, gripping Connor’s hand. He went back to staring out the window.

“I’m, uh..” Connor cleared his throat. “I don’t really need to say this, but you know I’m not ready for them to know I’m bi, so we’ll have to watch the PDA in front of them. Zoe and Alana are in the same situation, so...”

“I understand,” Evan said with a shrug. “Parents don’t need to know _everything_.”

Connor frowned, putting the car in park. “Right. So, are you ready? Seriously, we can leave at _any_ point if this goes south.”

Evan nodded, forcing himself to get out of the car before he changed his mind. He trailed a few steps behind Connor, mouth agape as he took in the size of the house. He stumbled into Connor’s back when he stopped to unlock the door.

“You good?” Connor asked. When Evan nodded, Connor motioned Evan inside, locking the door behind him. “We’ll head right to the basement; maybe we can avoid them for a little bit.”

Connor led the way, but his hopes were quickly dashed; both Larry and Cynthia were in the kitchen, preparing dinner.

“Oh! You must be Evan!” Cynthia gushed, grinning from ear to ear as she approached Evan. “It’s _so_ nice to meet you.”

Evan forced a smile. “Oh, um.. nice to meet- um. Nice to meet you too.”

He tensed when Cynthia hugged him. When she pulled away, she was beaming. Larry held his hand out to Evan, who winced at Larry’s strong grip.

“N-nice to meet you, too, sir,” Evan said quickly, before realizing Larry hadn’t actually said anything yet.

“So, you’re the friend my son has been spending time with,” Larry finally said.

Evan swallowed back his fear, nodding. Larry made a small, indistinct noise.

“Zoe and Alana are waiting for us,” Connor said, nodding for Evan to follow him.

As they slipped down the stairs, Evan heard Larry mumble, “could still be a drug dealer; you never know.”

“Hey!” Zoe and Alana chorused, waving at them. They were seated on the couch, a movie playing on the giant TV behind them.

“Hey, Zo. Beck.” Connor nodded, sitting in the other couch. He motioned for Evan to sit beside him.

Evan hesitated, glancing at the stairs before sitting, one whole cushion between them.

“You don’t have to sit _that_ far away,” Connor whined, patting the seat beside him. “We’ll hear them coming.”

“Oh. Um.” Evan glanced nervously at Zoe and Alana, who had snuggled back together. He glanced at Connor.

“It’s okay,” Connor assured him. Evan hesitated a moment longer before snuggling into Connor’s side. Connor wrapped his arm around Evan, kissing the top of his head. Evan blushed, dropping his head onto Connor‘s shoulder.

They watched in silence for awhile, until the sound of footsteps forced them all apart.

“Pizza’s here.” Larry placed it on the table along the wall, glancing at them all. His eyes landed on Evan and stayed there for a long time. Evan shrank into himself.

“Thanks, dad,” Zoe said firmly, standing and stepping into his path so his attention would be diverted away from Evan.

Larry frowned at his daughter, but nodded and headed back upstairs.

“Thanks, Zo,” Connor sighed, rolling his eyes.

Zoe shrugged. “Of course.”

Connor and Alana grabbed food, then sat back down. Evan glanced at Zoe, trying to grab his food quickly. But she stopped him when he tried to walk back to the couch.

“Hey, I just wanted to apologize again. For everything that happened.”

“It, um.. it’s fine. Really,” Evan assured her.

“I just hope you realize that I really wasn’t trying to make fun of you now. I’m SO happy for you and Connor.”

Evan stared at his plate for a long time before finally meeting her eyes. “I know. I’m sorry for how I- I’m sorry for my behavior. I was stupid.”

“Well, we’re both stupid. I went about helping Connor in the wrong way, and I’m so sorry.”

“Are you talking about me?” Connor called through a mouth full of pizza.

Zoe rolled her eyes. “Yeah, we‘re talking about what an emo boy you are.”

“Bitch,” Connor huffed, his tone light and teasing. “Can I have my boyfriend back, please?”

Evan squeaked. He would have dropped his plate if Zoe hadn’t grabbed it from him. He turned wide eyes on Connor.

Connor gulped his pizza down, turning to glance at Evan. “I-“

“Oh my god,” Zoe shrieked, grinning. “Is that the first time you’ve used the ‘b’ word?”

Connor nodded wordlessly, eyes fixed on Evan. Evan opened and closed his mouth, but he couldn’t find the right words to express how he felt. Except the longer he stayed quiet, the more worried Connor looked. Evan knew that look. He knew Connor was going to shut down if he didn’t do _something_.

So he walked over to him, his pizza forgotten, and sat in his lap, wrapping his arms around Connor’s neck and pulling him in for a kiss. Connor relaxed, letting himself melt into the kiss. His arms circled Evan’s back, holding him steady so he wouldn’t fall.

“Get a room,” Zoe snickered, placing Evan’s plate on the coffee table and snuggling beside Alana; they kept their focus on the TV, giving Connor and Evan as much privacy as they could.

“Sorry,” Connor said quickly, once they’d pulled apart. “I should have asked before I assumed. But.. Can I take that kiss to mean you’re okay with it? With being my boyfriend, I mean.”

Evan nodded, licking his lips. “Yeah. I’d- I’d like that.”

Connor grinned at him, leaning in for another kiss. But the sound of footsteps had them springing apart.

“How’s everyone doing?” Cynthia asked cheerfully. “Can I get anyone anything?”

Connor scowled at her, hating that she’d interrupted their moment.

“We’re good,” he said stiffly.

“Okay, well. Just let your father and I know when you’re ready for cake and we’ll bring it down.” She hesitated, her gaze lingering on Connor and Evan a moment longer, before she made her way back upstairs.

Connor sighed, shaking his head. “Well, talk about a buzz kill.”

Zoe and Alana snickered at him. He glared, sticking his tongue out at them. Evan giggled, curling up against him again, finally letting himself relax. Connor startled, glancing at him; he hadn’t heard Evan laugh much - if at all - in the last few days. He couldn’t help but smile down at his boyfriend.

Connor shook his head at the thought. Evan was his boyfriend. If you’d asked him even just a month ago if he thought _that_ would happen, he would have said no. But now, for the first time in a long time, things were going _right_ for him. He focused back on the movie, pulling Evan just a little bit closer.


	35. Breathe With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii :D So sorry this took so long, but I promise it was worth the wait ;) Enjoy!

“Are you guys ready for dessert?” Zoe asked after they finished their third movie. “I want cake.”

“You’re the birthday girl,” Alana said with a shrug. “Cake time it is.”

“Con, can you let mom and dad know?” Zoe asked.

Connor groaned. “Why me?”

Zoe pouted at him, snuggling closer to Alana.

“Fine,” Connor sighed. Evan whined when he went to stand, trying to pull him back down. Connor snickered. “I’ll be right back, Ev. Or you can come with me, if you want.”

Evan huffed in frustration. Connor leaned down and gave Evan a quick kiss on the forehead – which earned him a chorus of _awwwwww_ ’s from Zoe and Alana – then made his way upstairs. As much as Evan didn’t want to leave the safety of the basement, he also didn’t want to leave Connor’s side. So, after a moment of hesitation, he scrambled to follow. 

They found Cynthia in the kitchen.

“Zoe’s ready for cake,” Connor informed her.

“Great!” Cynthia said enthusiastically. “Can you let your father know? He’s in his office.”

Connor rolled his eyes. He really did not, in fact, want to go speak to his father. 

“Connor,” Cynthia said, her voice soft but firm. 

Connor huffed a sigh, but did as she asked. Evan watched him go, eyes widening with panic.

He was alone with Cynthia.

He glanced nervously at her.

“So! Evan, having fun?” 

Evan nodded, picking nervously at his cast.

“Does your arm hurt?” Cynthia questioned, frowning with concern.

“Wh- um.. No, no it doesn’t,” Evan said quickly.

“Connor told us what happened. Falling out of a tree! That must have been so terrifying.” 

“I... um. I mean, yes. It, um..” Evan swallowed, trying to push his panic back down. But he was ready to cry; Mrs. Murphy probably wasn’t _trying_ to interrogate him, but between Jared confronting him the other day, and then approaching Connor today...

“I can’t even imagine. You’re lucky you weren’t hurt worse.”

It was such an innocent thing to say. It wasn’t said maliciously or suspiciously. But for some reason, it was the last straw for Evan. His breath hitched in his chest and he started sobbing, dropping into a crouch beside the cabinets. If not for leaning against them, he would have fallen over.

“Evan?” Cynthia asked in alarm, eyes widening. “Evan, what’s wrong, sweetie?” She ran to his side, reaching a hand out, but he whimpered, curling into himself. 

“Dad’ll be right- Ev?” Connor asked, sucking in a sharp breath. He rushed to Evan’s side, crouching before him. Evan whimpered. “Hey, hey, it’s okay.” 

“I’m so sorry, Connor! I didn’t mean to upset him! I don’t now what happened!” Cynthia cried.

“Ev, look at me,” Connor said gently. Evan shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. “Ev, come on, look at me,” Connor repeated, his tone firm but gentle.

Evan finally glanced up at him with wide, panicked eyes, tears dripping down his face. 

“You’re okay,” Connor assured him. “You’re safe, okay?”

Evan whimpered, throwing himself into Connor’s arms. Connor held him close, rubbing his back, very aware that Cynthia was watching them. 

“Breathe with me, Ev, okay?” He said, taking a deep steady breath in. “In one, two, three; out one two three. Okay?” 

It took several minutes before Evan’s breathing went back to normal. He pulled away from Connor, sniffling an apology. 

“It’s okay. Let’s get you up, okay?” Connor said soothingly, taking Evan’s hands and pulling him to his feet. “Do you want to go lay down? Or go home?”

Evan sniffled, staring at the ground. He considered Connor’s question; he’d prefer to go home, but he didn’t trust himself home alone, and he didn’t think Mr. Murphy would let Connor stay with him when he was still grounded. “Lay down,” he mumbled.

“Okay, come on.” Connor nudged Evan in the direction of the stairs, staying behind him in case he lost his balance or stumbled. At the top of the stairs, he steered Evan towards his room, helping him get his shoes off and curl under the covers. 

“I’m sorry there’s no door; my dad took it as punishment,” Connor sighed, rubbing Evan’s arm. “You okay? Do you want to talk about it?”

Evan shook his head, struggling to keep his eyes open. “Tell Zosorry,” he slurred.

“Don’t worry, she’ll understand. Just sleep, okay? I’ll check on you in a bit.” He kissed Evan’s forehead. Evan was snoring before Connor had even made it to the hallway. He paused at the top of the stairs, feeling tense. He _really_ didn’t want to go back downstairs and face his mom after that. But he knew avoiding her wasn’t an option. He sighed, bracing himself before making his way back down to the kitchen, where Cynthia was waiting for him, eyes filled with worry.

“Connor, I’m _so_ sorry,” she said quickly. “I don’t know what happened. I was just trying to make conversation, I promise I-“

Connor held his hand up. “I know; it’s not your fault. He has severe anxiety; that happens sometimes.”

Silence fell between them. Cynthia looked like she wanted to say something, but it took several minutes before she finally said, “You handled that really well, sweetie. I’m so proud of you.”

Connor shrugged, leaning against the counter. “Yeah, uh.. I mean, I had to learn how to calm him down because his mom’s not home that much, and he has panic attacks a lot, so.”

Cynthia nodded. “Well, you’re a really good friend,” she said, emphasizing the word friend.

Connor frowned at her. She was staring at him as if she were waiting for something more. He thought back to what Heidi had said; that a mother always knew. But his heart started pounding in his chest at just the _thought_ of admitting the truth to her. His brain was telling him that there was no point; she knew they were friends now, and he didn’t have to sneak around anymore. So why rock the boat by saying more? Weren’t things good now? What if he was wrong and Cynthia _didn't_ suspect? What if he ruined everything by telling her? What if she _hated_ him for it?

“Connor?” Cynthia asked, eyes filled with – something. Connor wasn’t sure what, though.

“I-“ He paused, licking his lips.

“Yes?” Cynthia prompted, nodding at him to continue. 

Connor took a deep breath. “Mom... I’m-“

“Okay, cake time!” Larry said, stepping into the kitchen. 

Connor’s eyes widened. Cynthia watched as he crossed his arms, closing himself off. He glanced at her, then down at the floor. Cynthia scowled at her husband, watching as he picked the cake up and headed down to the basement.

“Connor-“ she tried, but Connor jumped, crossing the kitchen in three strides and hurrying down the basement stairs. Cynthia sighed in frustration, following her son and husband. 

“Where’s Evan?” Zoe asked as they all gathered at the table for cake.

“He wasn’t feeling well,” Connor said quickly. “He’s laying down. He says he’s sorry.”

Zoe shook her head. “He doesn’t have to apologize. We’ll save cake for him.”

Connor nodded. “I’m sure he’ll appreciate that.” He blushed when he realized Cynthia was staring at him. He looked away. 

Larry frowned at his wife and son, keenly aware of the way they were behaving. But he didn’t ask. He set candles up and, much to Zoe’s embarrassment, sang her happy birthday. She blew out the candles, and Larry handed slices out to everyone. 

Connor curled up on the couch, picking aimlessly at his piece. He startled when he felt someone beside him, and looked up to find his mom.

“We can talk later, if you want,” she said quietly, so no one else could hear.

Connor shrugged. “Nothing else to say,” he mumbled, stuffing a piece of cake in his mouth so he wouldn’t have to say anything else.

Cynthia sighed, reaching out a hand to rub his arm. He winced, pulling away. 

“Well, I’m here _whenever_ you want to talk. About anything.” She stood, kissed the top of his head, and walked away.

Connor watched her go, a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach.

~*~*~

Evan startled awake, sitting up quickly. It took him a minute to remember where he was. He settled back against Connor’s pillows and pulled the blankets higher. He breathed in Connor’s scent, instantly relaxing.

Until he remembered what set off his panic attack.

He picked nervously at his cast, glancing up at the doorway occasionally. He felt so _dumb_. Connor’s mom probably thought he was _pathetic_. And he’d probably _ruined_ Zoe’s party. 

Why couldn’t he be _normal_? Why did he have to act like such a _dumbass_ and _ruin_ everything? 

He blinked back fresh tears. It would be best if he went home and let everyone enjoy the rest of the party. They’d have way more fun without him, anyway. He swung his legs off the bed, jamming his feet into his shoes. The room spun when he stood.

 _Good_ , he thought bitterly. He deserved it for being such a mess. 

He was halfway to Connor’s door when Connor appeared before him. His eyes widened. Evan stepped back, stumbling.

“Hey,” Connor said gently, wrapping his arms around Evan and pulling him close. “You okay?” He led Evan back to the bed and made him sit down. 

“No,” Evan grumbled, turning his head so his face was against Connor’s chest. “I’m s-sorry for ruining Zoe’s party. Can you tell her that, please?”

“You can tell her yourself, but she’s going to tell you that you _didn't_ ruin anything.”

Evan sighed, pulling away. “I did. And your mom probably thinks I’m crazy.”

“Hey, she has _me_ for a son. Trust me, she’s seen worse,” Connor chuckled. He rubbed Evan’s back. “But, like, she really doesn’t think that, anyway. _No one_ thinks you’re crazy or ruined anything. I promise.”

“Okay,” Evan mumbled, staring at his lap.

“Hey,” Connor said firmly, cupping Evan’s cheek, forcing him to look up. “I mean it, okay? No one thinks that.” He pressed a kiss to Evan’s lips, still wet from crying. 

“Hey.”

Evan and Connor jumped apart, wide eyes turning to look up, but it was just Zoe.

“Shit, Zoe, don’t _do_ that,” Connor gasped, rubbing his chest. “I thought you were mom.”

“Maybe you should be more careful then. Or convince dad to give you your door back,” Zoe suggested, shaking her head at him. She turned to Evan. “You okay? We saved you cake.” She held it out to him. “I wasn’t sure if you’d want to come downstairs yet, so I brought it up here.”

I- you’re asking if _I'm_ okay?” Evan asked, reluctantly taking the piece of cake she handed him. “I’m the one who _ruined_ your birthday.”

Zoe snorted, shaking her head. “You absolutely did no such thing. I’m just glad you feel a little better. We’ll be downstairs watching more movies if you feel up to joining. No pressure though.” She smiled reassuringly at him before heading back downstairs.

Connor wrapped an arm around Evan as he picked at his cake with his fork. “You good? I can take you home, if you want.”

“I can’t stay?” Evan asked, panic edging his voice.

“Of course you can,” Connor assured him, kissing the top of his head again. “I just didn’t think you’d want to, after that.”

Evan fell silent. Truthfully, he didn’t know if he wanted to stay after what had happened. But his mom had texted and said she suddenly had to work an overnight and she hoped he was having fun at Connor’s. And he really didn’t want to go back to an empty house..

“Would your parents let you sleep over at my place?” Evan asked suddenly.

“Oh. Um. I’d have to ask,” Connor said hesitantly. “I honestly don’t know. I’m technically still grounded but they let you come over, so maybe? They might let you stay here, though.”

Evan bit the inside of his lip nervously. He’d never slept over at anyone’s house besides Jared’s. Every time he’d gone to a sleepover party, he’d panicked and had to go home early. 

“Or not,” Connor said quickly. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s- um. I just,” Evan sighed. “I just haven’t really stayed at anyone else’s house before. Just Jared’s. So I just- And you don’t have a door, so I just figured we’d have more privacy at my house, and... It’s- I’m fine. It’s fine. Really. I can just go home instead of getting you into more trouble, I’m sorry. My mom just suddenly had to pick up an overnight shift and there’s no one- I just didn’t want to be- But, it’s fine. This was _such_ a bad- I’m _so_ sorry. I just- I ruin _everything_ , I’m-“ 

He was halfway across the room when Connor grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him back onto the bed, forcing him to sit. 

“Hey,” Connor said gently, rubbing Evan’s arms. “Hey. You didn’t ruin _anything_ , Ev. I promise. You can stay the night. I don’t give a fuck what my parents say. There’s no way I’m sending you home to an empty house, okay?”

Evan gulped down a panicked breath, reaching out and resting his hands on Connor’s thighs to steady himself. His brain was screaming at him to argue more; to fight Connor and force him to take him home. But he _really_ didn’t want to be home alone, so he nodded.

“It’s okay, Ev,” Connor assured him, pulling him in for a hug. “I promise, it’s okay.”

Evan sank into the hug, burying his face in Connor’s hoodie. He felt Connor plant another kiss on his head, and then he was pulling away. 

“Let me go talk to my mom, okay? Eat your cake. I’ll be back.” He gave Evan’s arm one more reassuring squeeze before making his way down to the kitchen, where his parents were busy prepping Zoe’s big birthday dinner. Cynthia had agreed to let her get everyone pizza for lunch, but only on the condition that Zoe let her make a fancy dinner. Zoe had caved.

“Hey, sweetie,” Cynthia said, smiling tentatively. “How’s Evan doing?”

Connor shrugged. “Not great. Um.” He paused, shuffling nervously.

“What is it?” Cynthia asked. Larry finally looked up, frowning at Connor. 

Connor glanced at Larry, stepping back. “Um. I- Nevermind-“ 

“No, Connor, wait.” Cynthia stepped forward, placing herself right in front of him. She took his hand and squeezed. “What is it?”

Connor bit his lip, looking from Cynthia to Larry.

“Connor.,” Cynthia said firmly. She waited until he was looking at her again. “What is it?”

“I- I know I’m grounded. But Evan’s mom had to take an extra shift tonight, and- Can he spend the night?” The words all came out in a rush.

“Of course,” Cynthia assured him, cutting off a protest from Larry. “That’s not a problem at all, sweetie. I’ll set the guest room up for him. Or, I think we still have that air mattress in the garage somewhere.”

“Thanks mom,” he sighed, relief evident on his face. He glanced at Larry again before hurrying back up to his room.

“Cynthia, he’s _grounded_ ,” Larry reminded her, crossing his arms.

Cynthia turned, a stormy look in her eyes. “I’m aware, thank you. I’m not sending that poor boy home to an empty house, Larry. Not after what happened.”

“We might as well unground Connor, then,” Larry grumbled.

“Or you could do something useful,” she said coldly, “and go find the air mattress, just in case.”

Larry opened his mouth to protest, but the look Cynthia gave him stopped him in his tracks. He sighed. “After dinner. I know where it is. I’ll take it up to them.”

Cynthia grinned. “Perfect. Now, check the roast before it overcooks.”

~*~*~

The rest of the evening passed without incident. Cynthia, Zoe and Alana did most of the talking during dinner, which was a relief to Evan; he didn’t have any energy left to try to make conversation. 

After dinner, Connor and Evan joined Zoe and Alana for another movie. When it was over, they joined Larry and Cynthia in the living room for more cake while Zoe opened presents. 

“This was the best birthday I’ve had in awhile,” Zoe declared upon opening the final present.

“I’m so glad,” Cynthia beamed. She stood, gathering the garbage.

“Oh," Evan said, jumping to his feet to try and help, but Cynthia waved him away.

“You’re a guest, Evan, you don’t need to help,” Cynthia insisted. “Alana, are you spending the night?”

“If it’s not an imposition on you,” Alana said politely. “I’m taking Zoe for part two of her birthday celebration early tomorrow morning, so spending the night would be convenient.”

Cynthia nodded. “It’s not an imposition at all. I can set the guest bedroom up for you, and we’ll find the air mattress for Evan.”

“Evan’s spending the night?” Zoe blurted, glancing at Connor. He scowled at her.

“He is,” Cynthia said cheerfully. “We’ll make a nice breakfast in the morning before you go. Sound good?”

Everyone nodded their agreement. Zoe and Alana headed back downstairs to watch another movie, while Connor and Evan headed back up to Connor’s room. 

“Here,” Connor said, handing Evan some flannel pajama pants and a worn t-shirt. “Might not fit great, but it’s better than sleeping in your clothes.”

“Thanks,” Evan smiled, taking the clothes from him. 

“You can get changed in the bathroom, since I don’t have a door for privacy,” Connor chuckled bitterly.

Evan nodded, making his way into the hall. He narrowly avoided running straight into Larry. He mumbled an apology and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. Larry frowned after him before stepping into Connor’s room.

“Knock much?” Connor demanded, quickly crossing his arms to hide the still-healing cuts on his arms. He hadn’t cut in awhile, but it would still be obvious that some of the cuts were more recent than the others, and he didn’t feel like dealing with the fall-out from that. He glanced anxiously at the hoodie he’d just taken off and tossed onto his desk chair.

“Air mattress has a hole,” Larry said, ignoring Connor’s question. “Here’s the sleeping bag.”

Connor shifted nervously, keeping his arms tucked close to his body. “Just leave it and go. I’m trying to get changed.”

Larry frowned, but did as Connor asked. He hesitated, looking like he wanted to say something more, before turning on his heel and leaving. Connor puffed out a nervous breath, then finished changing. He was laying out the sleeping bag when Evan came back. 

“Sorry about this,” Connor apologized, nodding at the sleeping bag. “You can take the bed, if you want.”

Evan frowned. If they were at his house, they could both sleep in the bed... But he didn’t say it. Instead he gave Connor a quick kiss, then settled into the sleeping bag. 

“Ev-“

“I’m not making you sleep on the floor in your own house,” Evan huffed. “Besides, I’m used to sleeping on the floor – Jared always made me take the floor when I slept over. I’m fine.”

Connor sighed, but crawled into bed. “Fine. But if you need to switch places, let me know.”

It was still early, but both boys felt drained from the events of the day. 

“Hey, Ev?”

“Yeah?” Evan responded immediately, but he sounded like he was half asleep already. 

Connor glanced down at him; the only light in the room came from the glow of the streetlights, and he could just make out Evan’s face; his eyes were already closed.

Connor bit his lip. A million different thoughts were fluttering through his brain, but they all got stuck in his throat, so all that came out was, “Goodnight.”

“G’nite,” Evan mumbled.

Before long, Evan was snoring. 

“Ev?” Connor asked softly, testing to see if he was really asleep. Several minutes passed with no response. Connor was sure Evan was asleep. He glanced down at him, biting his lip. “I love you, Ev,” he murmured softly, staring at him for another minute before rolling onto his side and closing his eyes.


	36. Can of Worms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heeyyyyyy. Hope you're all well!!
> 
> First of all, HOLY CRAP I HIT OVER 10,000 VIEWS ON THIS FIC! Thank you so, so much to everyone who has been reading and enjoying!! Catch Me If I Fall is My Baby, and it makes me so happy that other people are enjoying it. Thank you times a million<3
> 
> Second, I'm SO sorry for the huge delay in posting this. I've been struggling with my mental health lately, and life has been crazy and stressful. I typically write and post late at night, but I've been really exhausted and falling asleep super early lately for some reason, which has been cutting into my writing time.
> 
> BUT, I'm REALLY excited to share this chapter with you. Some really important things happen *evil grin.*
> 
> TW for mentions of vomit - nothing graphic, but I know it bothers some people. It's also kinda angsty... You've been warned!!
> 
> Enjoy! <3 <3 <3

When Connor woke up, Evan was still sound asleep in the sleeping bag. He stared at Evan for a long time, worry gnawing at his gut. That panic attack had clearly taken a lot out of him. He just wished he knew what had caused it - not that there was always a reason, but Connor couldn’t help but wonder if something was bothering Evan; something he didn’t want to talk about. He thought back to what Jared had said, an ache in his chest.

He sighed, tiptoeing quietly out of the room and downstairs, where he followed the smell of breakfast to the kitchen. He froze in the doorway; Cynthia and Larry were both there. He tried to back away quietly before they noticed him, but his movements caught their attention and they both looked up at him.

“Morning, sweetie!” Cynthia beamed. “Breakfast will be ready soon! Why don’t you go wake Evan and let him know!”

Connor frowned. “I don’t know.. he’s pretty sound asleep.”

Cynthia’s smile fell, just a little. “Oh. Well-“

“I’ll try,” Connor said quickly. “I’ll see if Zo and Alana are up, too.”

“Oh, let them sleep,” Cynthia said causally, waving his offer away.

Connor quirked a brow at her. “So... let them sleep? But wake up Evan, who’s exhausted from a panic attack yesterday? Sure, makes sense.”

Cynthia had the decency to look embarrassed.

Larry, however, snorted. “A panic attack? Is that what happened? You said he didn’t feel well - I thought you meant he had a headache or something.”

“He _didn't_ feel well. And it was from a panic attack - you know, those things you always say I’m pretending to have. Is Evan pretending, too?” Connor asked coldly.

“Maybe he is. I don’t know him,” Larry shrugged.

“Larry,” Cynthia scolded, her eyes wandering to a spot behind Connor.

Connor turned, eyes widening. Evan was right behind him, fidgeting with his cast and looking like a kicked puppy. He glanced at Connor, mumbled something about heading home, and hurried upstairs.

“I swear to fucking god,” Connor snapped at his father. “I fucking hate you.” He turned on his heel and ran after Evan.

Evan was already dressed, struggling to tie his sneakers; between the cast and his shaking hands, he couldn’t manage it. He huffed in frustration, blinking away tears.

“Hey,” Connor said, sitting beside Evan on the floor. He quickly tied the laces, then rested a hand on Evan’s leg. “You okay? Ignore my father. He’s an ass.”

Evan sniffled, nodding. “Yeah, um. Yeah, I’m fine. Just... time to head home. My mom- or, um... Jared wants to hang out. So.”

Connor frowned at the obvious lie. “I’ll drive you, okay? Just give me a second to get dressed. I’ll be fast, promise.”

Evan hesitated before nodding. He stayed on the floor while Connor got ready.

“Hey, boys,” Cynthia said gently when they reappeared in the kitchen. Larry was nowhere to be seen. “There’s still some breakfast if-“

“We’re leaving,” Connor said shortly. “Going to Evan’s house.” He nudged Evan towards the front door.

“Connor-“ Cynthia called, hurrying to catch up.

Connor frowned at her, shaking his head, before leading Evan out to his car.

~*~*~

“So. Are you really going over to Jared’s? Or do you want me to stay with you?”

They were parked in Evan’s driveway, but neither had made a move to get out of the car yet.

Evan opened his mouth to respond, but nothing came out. He blushed, knowing he’d been caught in his lie.

“It’s fine, I wouldn’t have made you stay there any longer, anyway,” Connor assured him, placing a hand on his leg. “We could just hang out here and watch movies, if you want?”

“I mean.. Jared really did want to hang out, so- um. Yeah? So.. so maybe...” Evan shrugged. His nerves were fried. He wasn’t on pain killers anymore, so maybe a round of video games and Manischewitz would help distract him.

“Oh..,” Connor said, frowning. “Yeah, I could see if he wants to.” He pulled his phone out and sent Jared a quick message. Jared’s reply was immediate. “Yeah, Jared said we can come over. Wanna go in and clean up first or are you good?”

“I’m good, let’s go.” Evan got out of the car, and was already walking by the time Connor caught up.

“Hey, you okay? I’m sorry about my dad, but-“

“I’m fine,” Evan assured him, taking his hand and lacing their fingers.

It was the first time Evan had initiated any kind of PDA - even if it was something as small as holding hands. It made Connor grin.

Jared had unlocked the basement door so they could let themselves in. 

“Hey, losers,” he called from his spot on his favorite armchair. “How you feelin’, acorn?”

Evan scowled. “Could you maybe not be a dick for once?”

“Ouch,” Jared winced. “That hurt. Just like your ass after Connor’s-“

“Jared!” Evan yelped, blushing bright red. Connor scowled at Jared, gripping Evan’s hand tighter.

Jared snickered, but shut up after that. They played video games and indulged in junk food and Jared's Specialty Punch for hours. Evan let Jared win every game they played, hoping it would distract him and stroke his ego. Maybe if he was on a winning high, he wouldn’t try to bring up Evan’s fall in front of Connor.

“This is way too easy,” Jared said, after his fifth win against Evan. He sat back and sipped his drink. “I get beating Connor - he couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag-“

“Hey!” Connor scoffed, grabbing a handful of popcorn and throwing it at him.

“-but you’ve been playing against me for _years_ ; you usually at least win _once_ ,” Jared continued, pretending Connor hadn’t thrown popcorn at him. “What’s up? Got your head up a tree?”

Evan scowled at him, chugging half his drink, then grabbing the bottle for a refill.

“Hey, be careful,” Connor cautioned. He had refrained from drinking, but he was pretty sure Evan had had more than he should.

“I’m fine,” Evan mumbled. He hit the game controller to start another round. Jared shrugged, focusing back on the TV.

“Okay,” Jared said after three more rounds. “This is definitely way too easy, and it’s getting boring.”

“We could turn on a movie?” Connor suggested.

“Great idea, Connor!” Jared said enthusiastically. “What about that one from the 80s with what’s-his-name? John Cusack? Better Off Dead? What do you think about that one, Evan?”

Ev stared at Jared with glassy eyes. Connor wasn’t sure if it was from the alcohol or if he was tearing up.

“Kleinman, what the fuck?” He demanded. Jared just shrugged at him, an unreadable expression in his face. Connor frowned, turning to Evan in time to see him reaching for the liquor bottle again.

“Ev, you’ve had enough,” Connor said firmly, grabbing Evan’s glass out of his hands.

“No,” Evan grumbled, trying to grab it back. “Give!”

Connor shook his head, yanking it away, but Evan fell into him and it spilled all over the floor.

“Hey!” Jared snapped, jumping to grab napkins and clean the mess up.

Evan whimpered, curling into himself. “I’sorry.... can’t do none- can’t do noth- anything right.”

“It was an accident, it’s fine, Ev,” Connor assured him, helping Jared mop up the spill.

“Speak for yourself,” Jared grumbled. “If my parents see this, I’m dead. You know, Evan, dead. That thing you almost were.”

Evan stared at Jared with wide eyes.

“Enough, Kleinman” Connor scolded.

Jared glared at him. “You didn’t even bother talking to him, did you?” he questioned. “Like I ask for favors all the time? _One thing_ , Murphy. I asked you to do _one thing_.”

“I-“ Connor frowned. “There hasn’t been time. I was going to-“

“Well maybe do that when he sobers up,” Jared said, nodding at Evan. “Also, maybe take him home so he can throw up there instead of here.”

Connor frowned, but helped a whining Evan to his feet. Getting up the stairs was challenging, but they made it in one piece. Connor kept an arm around Evan to steady him as they made their way back to Evan’s house. Connor had barely closed the door behind him when Evan threw a hand over his mouth and made a very unsteady beeline for the stairs.

Connor sighed. He made a stop in the kitchen to grab several bottled waters and the bottle of aspirin, then headed upstairs. He dropped everything off in Evan’s room, then made his way to the bathroom, knocking gently before walking in. Evan was curled in a ball on the floor in front of the toilet.

“Ev?” Connor asked, kneeling beside him.

“Go away,” Evan groaned, curling into himself.

“It’s okay,” Connor said gently, flushing the toilet. He grabbed a towel, dampened it, then nudged Evan until he was resting his head in Connor’s lap. Connor gently wiped around his mouth. Evan closed his eyes, relaxing into Connor’s gentle touch. His stomach was still rebelling, though, and it wasn’t long before he was leaning over the toilet again.

Connor rubbed his back, cleaning his mouth each time. When a half hour went by without it happening again, Connor suggested they go to Evan’s room. “The bed will be more comfortable, unless you think it’s gonna happen again.”

Evan groaned, shaking his head. “Can’t move.”

“Okay,” Connor said, petting Evan’s head. “It’s okay. I’m gonna go get you some water so you don’t get dehydrated, okay?”

All Evan could do was groan as Connor gently lifted his head off his lap. He put a towel under Evan’s head, then disappeared. He was back before Evan could even blink.

“Can you sit up?” Connor asked, helping Evan lean against the tub. He protested when Connor tried to hand him a bottle of water, but eventually relented, taking small sips.

“Thanks,” Evan sighed, wincing when his stomach grumbled again. “You, uh. You didn’t have to stay. That was nasty.”

Connor scoffed. “You’re kidding, right? Wasn’t gonna leave you when you were _that_ sick.”

Evan rested his head against Connor’s shoulder. “Thanks,” he mumbled. He picked at his cast, lip trembling. Connor had seen him at his worst so many times, and he was still here. “Why are you still here?”

“Didn’t we just establish that?” Connor asked with a chuckle. “Not leaving you when you’re sick.”

“No. I mean-“ Evan bit his lip, shrugging.

“What?”

Evan shook his head. “Nevermind. Just... sleepy.” He lay back down, resting his head in Connor’s lap again. He really _was_ tired, but he also wanted to avoid conversation for as long as possible.

Connor frowned, but didn’t push. He knew he had to, at some point. But not now.

~*~*~

“Boys?” Heidi called, pausing outside the bathroom door.

Connor looked up from his phone. Evan was still asleep with his head in his lap.

“What’s wrong?” Heidi asked, kneeling beside Evan, resting a hand on his arm. He blinked sleepily up at her.

“Mom?” He asked, trying to sit up, but the room was spinning. He groaned, letting his head drop back into Connor’s lap.

“Food poisoning,” Connor said quickly. “I think it’s mostly passed, he’s just tired now.”

Heidi frowned, resting a hand on Evan’s forehead. “No fever.” She glanced at the two empty water bottles on the floor. “Well, it looks like he’s been in good hands, again.” She smiled, rubbing Connor’s arm before standing. “I can make some toast and scrambled eggs when you feel up to it. Just call me if you need me.”

Connor watched her go, then glanced back at Evan. “Think you’re good to get up?” When Evan nodded, Connor helped him to his feet. Evan quickly brushed his teeth, then let Connor guide him to his room. They curled up on Evan’s bed.

“Tired,” Evan sighed, resting his head on Connor’s shoulder and closing his eyes.

“Drink some more water, then you can sleep.” Connor uncapped a water bottle and held it out for him.

Evan grumbled, but sat up and sipped it. “Um. Thanks, by the way.”

“For?” Connor asked, shifting so he was sitting up.

“For telling my mom it was food poisoning.”

Connor nodded. “Yeah. Heidi’s cool, but I didn’t think she’d be cool if she knew you were drunk.”

Evan shook his head, staring at the water bottle. He picked at the label, slowly tearing it off. “No, um, probably not.”

“So, why _did_ you drink that much? Especially after the last time.”

“Oh god,” Evan groaned, closing his eyes. “That day you saw me- Um, you know...”

“Naked?” Connor asked, grinning.

Evan blushed. “Mhm.”

Connor snickered, kissing his cheek. “But seriously, Ev. What happened?”

Evan shifted away from him. “Nothing. Just.. lost track of how many I had.”

“I don’t believe you,” Connor frowned. “What’s going on? Something’s been bothering you. Jared said-“

“What?” Evan asked sharply, turning to glare at Connor. He regretted it immediately when the room spun. He groaned, dropping his head into his hand. Connor reached out to steady him, but Evan swatted him away.

“What did Jared say?” Evan asked, once he’d composed himself. “Because whatever he said isn’t true. I’m _fine_.”

“You’re not, and I wish you’d _talk_ to me,” Connor argued. “I’m _here_ , Ev. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. You can _trust_ me.”

Evan’s lip trembled. He _could_ trust Connor. He knew he could. But admitting the truth would open up a can of worms that Evan wasn’t ready for. 

“I’m _fine_ ,” Evan snapped. “And you can leave.”

“What?” Connor eyes, eyes widening. “Ev-“

“No,” Evan shook his head. “No, just go. Seriously.” He rolled over, putting his back to Connor. 

Connor blinked back tears as he stood. “I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk to me.” He paused at Evan’s door, glancing back but Evan still had his back to him. He sighed, making his way downstairs.

“Hey, sweetie. Leaving already?” Heidi asked. Connor paused in the living room doorway. She frowned at him, taking in the look on his face and the tears in his eyes. She stood and quickly crossed to his side. “Hey, is everything okay?”

Connor quickly swiped his tears away. “Yeah, fine. He’s just tired and I’m.. I need to head home. Bye, Mrs. H.”

Heidi frowned, watching him go.


	37. Empty Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :)

“ _Principito_?”

Connor startled, glancing up. “M? What’re you doing here?”

Miguel frowned, settling in the grass across from Connor. “I could ask you the same thing.”

Connor blinked, staring around the park. When _had_ he gotten here? Why had he even decided to come _here_ , of all places? He shrugged at Miguel, taking another hit off his joint.

“Don’t know. Don’t remember.”

“Okay...” He plucked the joint out of Connor’s hand, took a hit, then stubbed it out. “No more of that for you.”

“Hey,” Connor grumbled. “Wasn’t done with that.”

“Mhm. I think you were. How many did you have?”

Connor frowned. “Two?” His voice rose in question as he raised four fingers into the air, scrunching his face in confusion.

Miguel sighed. “Yeah, you’re totally gone. Why do you do this to yourself, _principito_? Come on, let’s get you home.” He pulled Connor to his feet, but Connor stumbled into him, giggling. Miguel wrapped his arm around Connor to steady him. “Klutz,” he chuckled, guiding Connor to his car and dropping him into the passenger seat.

“Hey,” Connor whined. “What about _my_ car?”

“We’ll come back for it,” Miguel assured him.

Connor sighed, rolling his eyes. “Mean.”

“Mhm, I guess I am,” Miguel grinned. “Back to your place or mine?”

Connor pouted, shrugging. “Guess I have to go home eventually.”

“Bad day?”

“You could say that,” Connor grumbled, resting his head against the window.

Miguel frowned, but didn’t question him; he knew Connor would talk to him when he was ready.

~*~*~

Evan awoke to Heidi gently calling his name. He blinked up at her.

“I made you some eggs and toast. You need to eat something, bud,” she insisted.

Evan sighed. He wasn’t hungry at all, but he sat up and reluctantly took the plate from her. She sat by his feet.

“How are you feeling?”

He shrugged, nibbling his toast.

“I was surprised Connor left,” Heidi remarked, trying to keep her voice light. Evan avoided eye contact, shrugging again and taking a bite of eggs. Heidi frowned, but didn’t push.

“I’ll be downstairs if you need me.” She patted his leg before standing and making her way out of his room.

He watched her go, his stomach twisting in knots. He’d been horrible to Connor. Connor had been so kind and gentle, and had stayed with him despite how gross and sick he’d been.

His thoughts turned to Jared. Jared had confronted him twice now. Had possibly said something to Connor. His only comfort was the fact that whatever he’d possibly said to Connor had clearly been vague, because Connor didn’t seem to know that he’d-

He shook the thought away. He didn’t want to think about it. All he could think about was the empty space on his bed where Connor should be. He didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts. He picked up his phone and typed out a quick message.

**Evan: I’m sorry I snapped. I was drunk and I’m sorry. Come over?**

Evan stared at his phone for a long time, but Connor didn’t respond. Evan blinked back tears. He’d pushed Connor away so many times, he wouldn’t be surprised if this was it. If Connor was done with him. He wouldn’t blame him. Evan was a mess - a broken, fucked up mess. Connor didn’t even _know_ how broken Evan really was. If he knew.. If anyone knew...

He stood, wincing when his stomach protested, and made his way downstairs, hoping to avoid Heidi - but she was in the living room.

“Hey, bud, feeling better?”

Evan shrugged. “I guess. Um. Gonna go- just need some fresh air.”

Heidi nodded. “Just stay in touch, okay? And be back by 11pm.

“Yeah,” Evan mumbled, making his way outside. He had no idea where he was going, but he just needed to clear his head - which was still pounding, thanks to his hangover. He winced, rubbing his temples.

His feet carried him all the way to Connor’s house, which surprised him, but a part of him was glad. Maybe there was a logical reason why he wasn’t answering Evan’s texts. Maybe he’d just been busy, and Evan could talk to him and apologize. Maybe-

There was a logical reason.

Evan’s breath caught when he saw Connor being pulled from a strange car by a ridiculously handsome guy. He looked familiar, but Evan couldn’t place where he knew him from.

All he knew was that Connor was clinging to him, and grinning.

Evan’s chest felt tight; he took a step back, shaking his head. He watched as the guy said something to Connor and nudged him forward. Connor stuck his tongue out, but made his way inside his house. The guy chuckled, turning to leave. His eyes caught on Evan, who was frozen like a deer in headlights. The guy’s eyes widened, then he frowned and took a step closer.

Evan bolted.

He’d never run so fast in his life. He thought he heard someone call his name, but he didn’t turn around; he ran as fast as his legs would carry him. When he got to Jared’s house, he pounded on the basement door until the door swung open.

“What the fuck- _Evan_?” Jared gaped, jumping aside as Evan slammed past him, stumbling down the basement stairs.

“Evan, what the hell is going on?” Jared asked, watching with wide eyes as Evan paced back and forth, picking at his cuticles. 

“I can’t- I just- I just.. I’m _sorry_. I shouldn’t have come over without messaging you first, I just- It was-“

“Whoa,” Jared said, trying to step into Evan’s path, but Evan dodged him and kept pacing. “What happened, dude? You’re scaring me..”

“Connor and I had a fight and he left and I went after him and he’s _cheating_ on me I knew this was too good to last what the hell was I thinking I _knew_ he’d get sick of me I just didn’t think it would be _this_ fast but I _knew_ -“

“Evan, holy shit, take a breath!” Jared demanded. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I saw him,” Evan snapped. “I saw him with another guy. He’s- They were- He was _holding_ Connor and Connor was _laughing_.”

Jared blinked, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. “Did you see them kiss? Did you see them fu-“

“Jared,” Evan snapped. “No. Just.. Connor was _smiling_ at him. And-and-“

“Ev, you need to chill. Connor _isn't_ cheating on you - he’s not the type to do that shit,” Jared said firmly. “This is probably just a misunderstanding, just like last time.”

Evan barked out a laugh, continuing his relentless pacing. “Yeah, I’m sure. Just a misunderstanding. _My_ misunderstanding. I mean, why _wouldn't_ he cheat? Why would anyone want _me_? Why would _Connor_ want me?”

“Why _wouldn't_ he?” Jared countered. “He _fought_ for you, Evan. He refused to give up, even when your dumbass brain had you convinced he hated you, and that he and Zoe were making fun of you. He refused to give up because he _likes_ you. He wouldn’t have gone through _all that_ just to cheat on you.”

“Nobody wants me,” Evan scoffed, his breathing becoming shallow as his panic attack slammed into him full force. “I’m a mess. Why would anyone want someone who’s such a- such a fuck up? Connor realized. He figured out what a fuck up I am. And he doesn’t even know the best part,” Evan laughed bitterly. “He’ll be relieved he got out when he did. When he realizes just _how_ broken I am, when he realizes what I tried to _do_ -“

Jared finally managed to step in front of him and stop him from pacing. He grabbed Evan’s arms firmly. “Evan. What did you try to do?”

“I-I-“ Evan was shaking like a leaf; Jared could feel it. He whimpered, shaking his head and trying to pull away, but Jared held tight.

“Evan,” Jared said again, trying to keep his voice firm and steady. “ _What did you try to do_?”

“I-I didn’t-“ Evan was sobbing now, and his legs refused to hold him up any longer. He hit the ground, taking Jared with him, as he was started to hyperventilate.

“Evan, I need you to breath,” Jared said firmly. “Try to breathe or you’re going to pass out.”

Evan tried, but he couldn’t. The room was spinning. He blinked back tears. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Suddenly, Jared’s arms were around him, holding him. “Breathe with me.”

At first, Evan tried to pull away, shocked. But he felt drained, and he let Jared hold him. He focused on Jared’s breathing, on the rise and fall of his chest. It took several minutes before Evan’s breathing evened out. He pulled away from Jared, mumbling an apology.

Jared sighed, sitting on his butt and crossing his legs. “You didn’t fall, did you?”

Evan stared at the floor, picking at his cast. He wanted to deny it. Wanted to keep living his lie. He knew what would happen once he confessed. But he was tired.

So he shook his head.

“It’s okay, dude,” Jared said gently. “You’re gonna be okay.”

Evan snorted, shaking his head. “I won’t. Everyone will hate me when- if I tell them, they’ll-“

“You just told me and I don’t hate you,” Jared pointed out. “I’m _worried_ about you, Ev. I’m fucking terrified that you’ll try it again unless you get help. But I _don't_ hate you.”

Evan glanced up at him. “How did you know?”

“Because you’re Evan Hansen. You don’t _just_ fall out of trees.” Jared bit his lip. “And because you’re my best friend. I know you. Even if I don’t always act like it..”

Evan swiped tears off his face. “I’m not.. I’m not ready to tell anyone else. Please don’t make me.”

“Evan-“ Jared sighed, shaking his head.

“Please, Jared,” Evan begged. “Please.”

Jared sighed. “Fine, but under one condition.”

Evan paled. “W-what..?”

“Talk to Connor.” When Evan started to protest, Jared held his hands up. “Not about _this_ , if you’re not ready - although I think he’d get it and be there for you; so would your mom - but you need to confront him about tonight and who that guy was.”

Evan shook his head. “I can’t. I can’t handle it if he’s- I can’t.”

“I’m telling you he’s not. He wouldn’t. Connor wouldn’t do that to you.”

When all Evan did was shake his head, Jared rolled his eyes and shoved his hand in Evan’s pocket, pulling his phone out.

“What- _Jared_!” Evan yelped, grabbing for his phone, but Jared kept it just out of reach.

“Holy fuck, dude, he’s left you like twenty text messages and, like, ten missed calls and voicemails.”

Evan’s eyes widened. “He’s- he must be,” Evan swallowed, slumping against the couch. “I’d be desperate to break up with me, too,” he mumbled.

“Fuckin’ drama queen,” Jared huffed. He sent Connor a text, letting him know Evan was at his house and the basement door was unlocked. “There.”

“What did you do?” Evan cried, eyes widening.

“He’s on his way here. And you’re _not_ leaving, so don’t even think about it. If you refuse to stay here and let him explain, I’ll tell Heidi the truth about your fall.”

Evan’s shoulders slumped. “So you’re blackmailing me?”

“I guess that’s the correct word, yeah,” Jared shrugged. “But you won’t listen otherwise and I’m _not_ letting this turn into what it was the last time.”

Evan’s lip trembled, but he stayed slumped on the floor, picking anxiously at his cast. Jared stayed with him, keeping an eye on him in case he tried to bolt.

Fifteen minutes later, they heard the basement door close, and what sounded like two sets of footsteps coming down the stairs.

Jared stood, frowning at Connor before glancing at the guy with him.

“Ev,” Connor sighed in relief. He stepped forward, but stumbled into Miguel, who grabbed him to steady him. Connor sank into his touch, grateful he’d agreed to come with him to do this.

Evan flinched, scrambling to his feet. “I- I can’t do this,” he sniffled, trying to run past them, but Jared reached the door before him, blocking it.

“He’s high,” Miguel explained. “He’s a klutz when he’s high.”

“Hey,” Connor grumbled, glaring at him.

Miguel shrugged. “Sorry, _principito_ , but you are.”

Evan blinked back tears. This was too much. He stepped backwards, shaking his head. “If-if you’re going to- Just.. don’t-“

“He thinks Connor’s cheating on him with you,” Jared blurted, knowing Evan was going to crack if this wasn’t resolved – and fast.

Miguel blinked at him. “Yeah, I was worried that was what he thought when he ran away without letting me explain.”

“Noooooo,” Connor whined, pulling away from Miguel and stumbling to Evan. “I would _never_ , Ev. You have to believe me.”

“I saw you- you- and he-“ Evan shook his head, trying to steady his resolve. “It’s okay, Con. I get it. I’m- it’s fine. Really. I know I’m- I knew this would- it’s fine. I’m fine.”

“We’re _not_ together,” Miguel said, exasperated. “He’s _not_ cheating on you. We used to be a thing a few years ago. We’re just friends now. Believe me, he won’t shut up about you. It’s kinda gross.”

Connor nodded. “Yeah, what M said.”

“M?” Evan asked, remembering the text messages Connor had received from someone named M back when they had gone on their road trip. He frowned. “Wait.. You’re the one who picked us up when we got suspended.”

Miguel nodded. “That was me, yeah. Miguel. Nice to _officially_ meet you, Evan. And-“ he glanced questioningly at Jared.

“The insanely cool Jared Kleinman, at your service,” Jared said, holding his hand out. When Miguel took his hand and shook it, Jared couldn’t help but blush.

Miguel smirked, nodding. “Nice to meet you.” He held on to Jared’s hand a lot longer than was necessary.

“So-so... You’re _just_ friends?” Evan asked, swaying on his feet; he was starting to feel the after-effects of his panic attack. His eyes felt heavy.

Miguel nodded. “Promise. Now can I take you both home? He needs to sleep off his high, and you need to sleep off whatever’s happening right now.”

“Evan’s house is a couple houses down from here, I can help you get them there,” Jared said quickly.

Miguel smirked at him, but nodded. Miguel helped Connor up the stairs, and Jared helped Evan. They stumbled along down the street.

“Will Evan’s mom be home to keep an eye on them? We probably shouldn’t tell her Connor’s high, but... He needs to be checked on to make sure he’s okay,” Miguel said, as they neared Evan’s house.

“She should be,” Jared shrugged. When they reached Evan’s front door, Jared knocked. It took a minute, but Heidi finally answered. She took in the sight before her, eyes widening.

“Jared, what-“ She stepped aside, closing the door behind them.

“Promise I’ll explain after we get them upstairs,” Jared assured her, leading the way to Evan’s room. He dropped Evan down onto his bed, then motioned for Miguel to do the same with Connor.

“Look up the term ‘disaster bisexual’ and you’ll see their pictures next to the definition,” Jared huffed, shaking his head. “Let’s go, they’ll be fine now.”

Miguel frowned at him, but followed him back downstairs.

Heidi was still standing in the foyer, arms crossed. She stared anxiously at Jared.

“Those two dumbasses had another misunderstanding,” Jared said dryly.

“Language,” Heidi sighed.

Jared winced. “Sorry, Mrs. H. Anyway, Evan had a massive panic attack because of it, and Connor’s high. They both just need to sleep it off and talk it out.”

Heidi pinched the bridge of her nose, shaking her head. “Great. Thank you for getting them back here in one piece, Jared. And-“ She glanced at Miguel questioningly.

“Miguel. I’m.. An old friend of Connor’s.”

Heidi nodded. “Nice to meet you, although I wish it were under better circumstances.”

“Well, we’ll be going,” Jared said quickly. “Tell Evan I’ll talk to him tomorrow.” 

Heidi walked them out, thanking them again. 

“Well, that was interesting,” Miguel commented as they walked back to Jared’s. “She didn’t react exactly as I’d imagined she would when she found out Connor was high..”

Jared shrugged. “Heidi Hansen is the Best. She’s pretty chill.”

“Most parents aren’t _that_ chill about smoking pot. She didn’t even threaten to call his parents.”

“She knows he doesn’t have a great relationship with them,” Jared explained. “She won’t tell them anything unless she thinks he’s gonna hurt himself. She’ll just have a conversation with both of them when they wake up, probably.”

Miguel nodded, humming. “Well. I’m glad they’re in good hands.” He paused beside his car, glancing up at Jared. “So.. I guess I should...?”

“You can hang out for a bit,” Jared blurted. He blushed. “I mean.. You don’t _have_ to, if you’re busy. But I’ve got a pretty killer selection of movies and video games, so...”

Miguel smirked. “Sounds great.” He trailed behind Jared, admiring the view as they made their way back down inside to the basement.


	38. Stop Running

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :D 
> 
> ;)
> 
> Enjoy <3

Evan groaned, eyes opening slowly. The sun coming through his curtains was too bright. His head was pounding, his mouth was dry, and there was a weight on his chest.

He thought he was having another panic attack, until he realized the weight was Connor. At some point in the night, he’d curled into Evan’s side. His head was on Evan’s shoulder. He’d tangled his legs with Evan’s, and his hand was fisted in Evan’s shirt, gripping so tight that his knuckles had gone white.

Evan frowned. He’d never seen Connor look so tense in his sleep. Usually, being asleep was the only time that Connor ever relaxed. Seeing him like this broke Evan’s heart. And it was his fault. He’d freaked out about Miguel and, instead of confronting them like a mature, sane person, he’d turned tail and ran. He’d worried Connor. He’d upset Connor. Connor didn’t deserve this. It was just another notch in the “Evan’s a shitty person and should have died when he let go” column of Evan’s brain.

Evan sighed, wrapping his arms around Connor and rubbing his back, planting kisses on his head. It had the desired effect; Connor slowly unclenched his fist and let out a contented sigh.

Evan wasn’t sure how much time passed - twenty minutes? A half hour? An hour? - but eventually, Connor’s eyes fluttered open. He stared up at Evan, confused and groggy, until the events from the day before hit. He tried to scramble up, mouth opening with an apology, but Evan held him tight and shushed him.

“I’m the one who should apologize,” Evan said, planting another kiss on Connor’s head. “I’m so sorry, Connor.”

“But if I’d told you about Miguel sooner-“ Connor’s argument was cut off by another kiss.

“I’m sure- I’m sure you had your reasons,” Evan admitted reluctantly, brushing a lock of hair off Connor’s face and tucking it behind his ear. “I’m a dumbass and, um, well, I probably would have freaked out anyway, even if you’d tried to explain.”

Connor sighed, finally sitting up and crossing his legs. He grabbed Evan’s hand and laced their fingers, stroking the back of Evan’s hand with his thumb.

“I _don't_ have a good reason - I’m just a coward. I was worried-“ Connor shook his head, finally making eye contact with Evan. “He’s my ex. And he still means a lot to me. He’s a good friend. And I- I was just afraid that- He’s a good-“

“Connor,” Evan interrupted, squeezing his hand. “He’s your friend?”

Connor nodded. “A really good friend.”

“Then that’s all I need to know,” Evan shrugged. “You don’t have to tell me anything else unless you want to. We’re all allowed to have secrets.”

“Oh?” Connor teased, hoping to lighten the mood. “And what kind of secrets are _you_ keeping, Evan Hansen?”

Evan’s eyes widened and he looked quickly away. A certain 40-foot fall tree had taken up residence in his thoughts.

“Wait, you’re _blushing_. I was kidding but you’re _blushing_. Do you have a secret salacious past no one knows about? It’s always the quiet ones..”

Evan rolled his eyes. “Shut up, oh my god.” He huffed out a breath, slapping Connor’s arm.

Connor was shaking with laughter. “You do! You totally do!”

Evan tried to laugh it off, but a frown tugged the corners of his lips down. “No, I didn’t mean- Connor, um..”

Connor frowned, sobering. “Hey, it’s okay. Whatever it is.”

“It’s not,” Evan muttered, blinking back tears. “Um, I just... I-“

“Ev, whatever it is, I’m _here_ ,” Connor reminded him. “I promise I’m here and _nothing_ you say will change that.”

“See, but, that’s not true,” Evan argued. “Because- because if you knew, if I told you-“

“I’d be here for you, no matter what,” Connor interrupted.

Evan couldn’t hold back his tears any longer. They flowed freely.

“Ev,” Connor sighed, pulling him in for a hug. Evan sobbed into his hoodie, wrapping his arms around Connor and clenching the fabric in his hands.

“You’ll hate me,” Evan cried, his voice muffled against Connor’s chest.

“What?” Connor demanded. “Absolutely fucking not, are you kidding me? I could never _hate_ you, Ev.”

“You will. You should,” Evan mumbled, sniffling as he pulled away from Connor’s embrace. He didn’t deserve to be held and comforted. He didn’t deserve Connor’s hugs and kisses. “I hate myself.”

“Evan,” Connor said firmly, gripping Evan’s hand tighter when he tried to pull that away, too. “Is this about.... Does this have to do with whatever Jared’s been hinting at? The thing I should ask you about?”

Evan looked up, eyes wide, before quickly looking back down.

“He said I should ask you about your fall,” Connor pressed, heart suddenly beating hard in his chest. “Is this about your fall?”

Evan flinched, chin trembling.

“Evan, look at me.”

Evan closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to steady his nerves, before looking up at him.

Connor let go of Evan’s hand to unzip and yank off his hoodie. He held his arms out, palms up. “You know what I’ve tried to do. Not once, like everyone thinks, but twice.” When Evan’s eyes widened, Connor nodded. “Everyone thought the first time was an accident. I told them it was. They believed me because it was easier to accept than the truth.”

Evan glanced down, picking anxiously at his cast. “You know, don’t you?”

“I... think so,” Connor said slowly. “But I want to hear it from you.”

Evan shook his head, scooting away from Connor. He couldn’t do it. He didn’t know why - Connor had basically just told him that he knew anyway, and that he understood. Of course he understood, if he’d tried to.... and twice. But Evan just couldn’t do it. It was bad enough that Jared knew. But Connor-

Evan suddenly jumped off the bed, mumbling something that sounded like “bathroom,” but Connor was faster; he was off the bed and blocking Evan’s bedroom door before Evan could even process what had happened.

“Evan, stop running from this. Stop running from _me_ ,” Connor snapped. He didn’t mean to snap. He knew Evan was in a fragile place. But being gentle wasn’t working, and he was positive he knew the truth now. But Evan had to say it himself, out loud.

“I’m not- I’m not _running_ from anything, okay? I just- I lost my grip. That’s all. I don’t know why- Jared’s just over-thinking it, okay?” Evan huffed. He started pacing his room, just like he’d done the night before at Jared’s. His mind and heart were both going a mile a minute. “I don’t know- whatever he said to you, it’s- he’s- I’m _fine_ , Connor. There’s nothing to- I can’t believe you’d believe _Jared_ over me.”

Connor frowned. Evan was deflecting, trying to make Connor question what he suspected. It wasn’t going to work. He wasn’t letting this go. It was eating away at Evan, and he’d never start on the road to recovery until he admitted it.

“I mean, you say you _love_ me, but you believe _him_? I just- I can’t- He doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Evan rambled on. “I _fell_. I lost my grip and then I just- I fell, so. Just because he _thinks_ I’m such an expert climber, that doesn’t mean- Accidents _happen_. I’m not- I wouldn’t _do_ -“

Evan was working himself up to a panic attack. Connor stepped in front of him and gripped his arms. He could feel Evan’s entire body shaking with nerves and barely-controlled panic. He was shaking so hard, his legs refused to hold him up any longer, and they slowly sank down to the floor.

“Evan, I _do_ love you. That _won't_ change, no matter what you tell me. But I’d prefer if you tell me the truth.”

Evan shook his head, fear in his eyes. But he slowly deflated, his brain admitting defeat; Connor knew, anyway. He just wanted Evan to admit how broken he was out loud. Then he would look at him with disgust and then he’d walk away and he wouldn’t look back. It was inevitable. Even if Evan didn’t tell him, Jared would. Jared had already threatened to tell Heidi. Everyone would know soon anyway.

“I’m going to ask you _one_ more time,” Connor said gently. “Did you fall, or did you let go?”

“I- I- I let go,” Evan choked, staring down so he wouldn’t have to see the look of disgust on Connor’s face, or see the moment when Connor stood and walked out the door.

But it never happened.

Connor pulled Evan in and held him close. “You’re okay, Ev. It’s going to be okay. I promise. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but it’ll all be okay.”

“I don’t know,” Evan admitted, shaking his head. “I don’t know how.”

“Because you’re not alone in this. You have me, you have Jared.” He paused, knowing Evan wasn’t going to like what he said next. “You do have to tell your mom and Dr. Sherman the truth, though.”

Evan pulled away. “Absolutely not. They’ll lock me up and throw away the key.”

“They might not,” Connor reminded him. “Outpatient therapy exists. Especially if they don’t think you’re going to try again.”

Evan shifted, staring down at his carpet and picking at the fibers.

“Are you?” Connor asked, feeling like someone had sucker punched him. “Ev?”

“I don’t know, you’ve tried twice - Did _you_ know you were going to try again?”

Connor frowned, reaching for Evan’s hand, but he pulled away. “I know you’re scared, Evan, but don’t make me the bad guy here. I’m trying to _help_ you.”

“By forcing me to tell my mom?” Evan snapped, glaring up at him. “What if- what if I forced you to tell your parents you’re gay? Or I threatened to tell them for you? How would _you_ feel?”

Connor reeled back, eyes widening. “Evan-“

“Yeah, doesn’t feel so good, huh?”

“Stop it,” Connor scowled. “Stop turning this around on me. I know what you’re trying to do but it _won't_ work. I won’t let you push me away or make me back down. You need _help_ , Evan.”

Evan’s lip trembled. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, dropping his face into his hands. “I’m so sorry. I can’t- I can’t believe I said those things to you. I don’t know why-“

Connor hushed him, pulling him onto his lap and wrapping him in a hug. “You’re scared. I get it. I know you didn’t mean it.”

“Doesn’t make it okay that I said it. I just-“

“Lashed out?” Connor kissed the side of his head. “Said things you didn’t mean to push someone away? Believe me, I’ve done it all, I’ve said it all. But I meant it when I said nothing you say to me will scare me away or make me leave.”

Evan rested his head against Connor’s chest, breathing in his comforting scent. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. I promise you’ll get through this. I’ll help you.”

Evan nodded. He still didn’t believe everything would be alright. But he had Connor. Connor was on his side. Connor had seen the worst parts of him and hadn’t left.

Evan shifted in Connor’s lap so he could kiss him. “Thank you.”

Connor smiled and nodded.

“Can, um...” he bit his lip, reaching up and playing with the ends of Connor’s hair. “Would it- I just..”

“What?” Connor asked, holding him tighter. “Talk to me.”

“Can we, um- it’s just been a long couple of days, and- can we wait to tell my mom? I- I will, I promise, okay? Just.. not yet?”

Connor frowned. “Okay. But let’s not wait too long. You really- I’m worried about you, Ev.”

Evan nodded, rubbing a lock of Connor’s hair between two of his fingers. “Yeah, I’m- we won’t wait too long. I just... need a few days.”

Connor nodded. “Yeah, we can do that.”

Evan sighed, finally relaxing into Connor’s arms. “Thanks.”

Connor kissed him in response.

“We should get some breakfast,” Connor said after a few minutes. Evan whined and held on tight. Connor chuckled. “We can cuddle after breakfast, promise. But I’ve got the post-high munchies, and I’m sure you’re hungry after that panic attack.”

Evan sighed but nodded. He climbed off Connor’s lap and stood, helping him to his feet. When they walked into the kitchen, Heidi was there, sipping coffee and scrolling through her phone. She glanced up at them.

“Well, good morning.”

Evan jumped, stepping partially behind Connor. Would she be able to tell he’d been crying again? Would she ask about yesterday? He couldn’t face any of those questions, not after everything he’d been through the last few days –especially knowing he would have to tell her about his fall soon. 

“Morning,” Connor replied, after glancing at Evan and receiving a panicked look in return. He motioned for Evan to sit while he gathered what he needed to make them pancakes and bacon. “Would you like some breakfast with us?”

“I have to leave for work,” Heidi said apologetically. “But thanks for the offer, sweetie.” She frowned at Evan, who was avoiding eye contact. “How’re you feeling, bud?”

Evan shrugged. “Better, I guess.”

Heidi hummed suspiciously, glancing at Connor. “And you?”

Connor shrugged. “As good as can be expected.”

“Uh-huh.” Heidi took a sip of her coffee. She glanced at each of them in turn. “So.. Are you going to tell me about last night?”

“Just had a, uh, misunderstanding,” Connor shrugged, flipping the pancakes. “Evan, um... Sort of... met my ex last night? I, uh... think you met him? Miguel?”

Heidi blinked at them. “And what about that meeting caused such a great misunderstanding that Evan had a panic attack and you got high...?”

Evan blushed. “Mom, can we not? It’s- It’s over and done and, um, and I’d just rather- Can we not talk about it, please?”

“Fine. We’ll talk later, when I get home. I don’t have class, so I’ll be home around 8pm. You can get your stories straight by then, I’m sure.” Heidi dumped out the rest of her coffee, gave them both a goodbye kiss on the head, then left.

Connor finished cooking their breakfast and plated it. He placed one plate in front of Evan, the other across from him, then grabbed silverware and syrup, and something for them to drink. When he sat, Evan looked white as a sheet.

“You okay?” Connor asked worriedly.

“I- She’s going to ask us about last night again,” Evan mumbled, poking his pancakes with his fork. “I just.. I don’t want to think about it again - _ever_ again.”

Connor frowned, forking a fluffy piece of pancake into his mouth. He chewed for a minute, taking his time considering his response.

“We could go over to my house later,” he suggested. “I know it’s not a great alternative, but at least you won’t have to answer questions from your mom that way.”

“I don’t know..” Evan hesitated. “After what your dad said the other day...”

“According to Zoe, my mom screamed at him for an hour after we left. I _don't_ think he’ll say anything this time.”

Evan startled, looking up at Connor with wide eyes. “Really? She- she defended us? Is that.. Does your mom usually-“

“Stand up to my dad? No. But.. I don’t know, something’s... different.. with her lately. She seems to be .. I don’t know,” Connor shrugged, eating more pancake to avoid answering.

Evan frowned. “Well.. if YOU don’t mind spending the day at your house, then- then yeah, I’d um.. I’d like that. I’ll tell my mom your mom invited us for dinner, that way she can’t accuse me of purposely avoiding her.”

Connor quirked a brow at him. “You’re going to lie to your mom? Isn’t that, like, a bad idea? Given everything that’s happened lately?”

“Maybe,” Evan admitted. “But it’s not like she’ll talk to your mom and find out I’m lying. And it’s the only way to keep her from accusing me of dodging her. I’ll just say it would be, um, like, rude to say no to your mom.”

“I guess.. I don’t really like it, but I get it,” Connor admitted. “Let me just text Zoe and see what the mood is like over there, and then we can decide what we want to do.”

Evan nodded, watching Connor as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. Zoe’s response came quickly. Connor exchanged a few more messages with her, then pocketed his phone.

“Dad’s been hiding in his office all day. Apparently he and my mom had another fight about- something. Zoe won’t be home, though – she and Alana are going to be out all day. So it’ll just be my parents and us. Are you okay with that?”

Evan hesitated but nodded. “Better than facing my mom.”

Connor nodded. “Okay. We can hang out here for awhile and maybe go there after lunch. That way we don’t have to deal with them _all_ day. Sound good?”

Evan nodded. He helped Connor clean up the kitchen, then they collapsed on the couch. Evan didn’t have the brain power to chose a movie, so he let Connor have control of the remote. He wasn’t even really paying attention to the movie; too many thoughts were zooming through his head for him to focus on anything else. He curled closer to Connor, closing his eyes when Connor started rubbing his back. He tried to focus on Connor’s steady breathing, to drown out all the voices screaming at him. He didn’t want to think about anything but the feel of Connor beside him.


	39. On the Edge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii..... Hehe. Enjoy :D

Heidi protested when Evan texted, saying Mrs. Murphy had invited them for dinner, and they were probably spending the night there, but she’d eventually relented on the stipulation that they talk tomorrow about what had happened.

“Ready?” Connor asked.

Evan glanced up at him, then his house. He took a deep breath and nodded. Connor came around the car and held his hand as they walked to the front door. When they reached it, he leaned in and wrapped Evan in an embrace, kissing him passionately. When he pulled away, Evan was grinning goofily up at him.

“What was _that_ for? Not that I don’t love your kisses..”

Connor snickered. “Wanted to steal a kiss before we have to pretend we’re just friends.”

Evan nodded. “Don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll have opportunities to sneak kisses,” he promised.

“Better,” Connor grinned. He unlocked the front door and stepped inside.

At the sound of the front door closing, Cynthia appeared, a big smile plastered on her face.

“Hi, boys!”

Evan tensed, hiding behind Connor. He still felt so stupid for his panic attack the other day. He was sure the Murphy’s thought he was, too.

“Hi, mom,” Connor said wearily, glancing uncertainly back at Evan.

“Evan, I wanted to apologize for the other day,” Cynthia said, stepping forward. “For whatever I said that upset you, and for my husband’s rude comments. I hope you can forgive us.”

“O-oh, um, yeah- it’s- it’s, um, fine. Really.”

Cynthia didn’t look convinced, but she didn’t press the issue, which Evan appreciated.

“Let me know if I can get you boys anything. And I can start dinner whenever you get hungry-“ she paused, looking uncertain. “If you’re staying for dinner, of course.”

“We are,” Connor informed her. “Evan’s also sleeping over, if that’s okay.”

Cynthia brightened instantly. “Of course! You’re welcome any time, Evan! I’ll have Larry get the air mattress set up; we replaced the old one.”

She bustled off. Connor tried hard not to roll his eyes as he motioned for Evan to follow him to the basement. He closed the door behind him so they’d have at least some sense of privacy - more than they would in his room, at least.

They collapsed onto the couch, Evan immediately curling against Connor’s side. Connor wrapped an arm around Evan and turned on a movie, planting a kiss on the side of his head.

They watched in silence for twenty minutes, but Evan’s brain refused to shut down and just let him enjoy the movie.

“Connor?” He finally said, after fifteen more minutes had gone by.

“Hm?” Connor paused the movie, turning his full attention to Evan.

“The other day, when I had that panic attack? It was- Your mom didn’t do anything wrong. I just... She was asking about my arm, and- and Jared had been trying to get me to admit the truth the day before, and then he approached you outside my house that day, and I just-“ He shook his head. “I was scared. That everyone was going to find out what I’d done and- and that everyone would hate me and-“

“Hey,” Connor scolded, pulling Evan onto his lap.

Evan squeaked, wrapping his arms around Connor to steady himself. “You- you really like doing that, don’t you?”

“Hm?” Connor asked, nuzzling Evan’s neck.

“Pulling me onto your lap”

Connor grinned at him. “I mean, yeah. You’re soft and warm and cuddly. Plus, can’t deny that the teenage boy in me enjoys it for... other reasons.”

“Oh my god,” Evan snickered, dropping his head onto Connor’s shoulder to hide his blush.

“But seriously,” Connor said after they’d both managed to stop laughing. Evan glanced up at him again. “You don’t have to explain, okay? I know what it’s like- what it feels like to be that... So we don’t have to talk about it unless you want to.”

Evan nodded, kissing Connor. “Thank you for being... you. But I just- I didn’t want you to think it was your mom’s fault. I know you want to make things right with her and- and I didn’t want you to be mad at her when it wasn’t her fault. I was on the edge already; anything would have set me off at that point. So.”

“Well, thanks for clearing that up. Can I make out with you now?”

“Wh- I-“ Evan spluttered, the question catching him off guard.

“Well, I feel like we haven’t really had a chance to properly make out. And I kinda want to,” Connor said, grinning impishly at him.

Evan bit his lip, fighting back a smile as warmth filled him. He leaned forward, pressing his lips to Connor’s. Connor eagerly returned the kiss, pulling Evan closer, one hand resting on his thigh. When Connor’s tongue flicked against his lips, he didn’t hesitate to part them. It felt weird at first, but eventually, Evan got the hang of it.

“Sitting sideways is really awkward,” Evan complained after a few minutes, pulling back. Connor huffed in frustration.

“Come back here,” he whined, trying to pull Evan back in.

Evan grinned at him, climbing off his lap, which elicited more whining from Connor. “Oh, stop being a baby, I’m coming back, just-“ When Evan sat back down, he was straddling Connor’s lap. “Much better.”

Connor quirked a brow at him, but didn’t hesitate to pull him back in, grabbing Evan’s ass at the same time their lips connected. Evan squeaked. Connor snickered at him, but didn’t break their kiss.

After a few minutes, they pulled apart for air, staring at each other with wide eyes and flushed cheeks.

“That was-“

The basement door creaked open. Someone was walking down the stairs. Evan gasped. In his hurry to get off Connor, he lost his balance and hit the floor.

“Ow,” Evan whimpered, struggling to sit up. He glared at Connor, who was shaking with laughter. “Ya know, instead of laughing, you _could_ help me up.”

“I’m sorry,” Connor snickered, pulling Evan up by his good arm just as Cynthia came into the room. Connor quickly dropped his hand.

“Oh,” Cynthia said, eyes wide. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d heard Connor laugh. “Sorry, I just- Thought you might want a snack,” she said quickly, holding up the tray she’d brought down.

Connor frowned at the tray. Chips and salsa and soda.

“Soda?” He questioned, glancing at Cynthia. “Since when do you allow us to drink soda?”

“Oh, well-“ Cynthia shrugged. “I know you and your sister like it, so-“

Connor frowned, watching her place the tray on the coffee table.

“Let me know if you boys need anything else,” she said, smiling at them before making her way back upstairs.

Evan waited until the door had clicked closed again before smacking Connor.

“Hey!” Connor laughed. “What was _that_ for?”

“For laughing at me,” Evan huffed, but he was grinning.

Connor rolled his eyes, patting the couch. Evan sat beside him again. He glanced back at the sodas, frowning.

“You okay?” Evan asked, resting his hand on Connor’s leg.

Connor shrugged. “I can’t remember the last time she let us have soda. It’s been, like, _years_. I’m just... confused.”

“Maybe she’s trying to show she cares, even if it’s in a small way like that.”

“Maybe..” Connor frowned. He shook his head to clear it. “Anyway, I guess we should just focus on watching the movie, and save the making out for your house.”

Evan blushed. “Yeah, that was, uh, a close call.”

Connor chuckled, wrapping an arm around Evan as he hit **Play** on their movie.

The movie was almost over when Connor suddenly paused it again.

“Y’know... Dinner will just be my parents and us. No Zoe buffer. You gonna be okay?”

Evan hesitated but nodded. “Yeah. I mean... your dad kinda scares me, but.. it’ll be okay. You know about my- that I actually, you know-“ he nodded at his cast. “And that was the thing making me anxious the last time. So.” He shrugged.

“If you’re sure. We could always go out for dinner. I mean, I owe you an official first date and all that.”

“I-“ Evan’s eyes widened. “You don’t have to-“

“Ev, we’re _dating_ and we haven’t even had a first date. So I _do_ have to,” Connor said, rolling his eyes.

“Oh- okay,” Evan grinned. “But, um.. we can do dinner here. We already told your mom we would. We can have an official first date another night.”

“As long as you’re sure. But I promise, if my dad says _anything_ to upset you, we can leave.”

“And then go home and face my mom?” Evan laughed nervously. “It’s so stupid. I don’t know why she even _wants_ to talk about what happened. It’s fine and done and- and I don’t want to talk about it.”

“She’s just worried about you,” Connor reminded him. “And you still have to tell her about-“

“I know,” Evan snapped. “I- I’m sorry. I just- I don’t- please don’t remind me. I know I do. “

Connor frowned. “Look, it’s better to just tell her now and get it over with. Then you can really start to move forward with your life. The longer you wait, the longer you draw it out. It’s not going to be an overnight process, even if they don’t send you into in-patient. They’ll still put you into _some_ kind of program, and extra therapy sessions. The sooner you start, the sooner you’ll feel better.”

Evan sighed, shrugging. “Can we not talk about it tonight? I’d rather not have another panic attack in front of your mom. And I will if you keep pushing this.”

Connor nodded. “I can ask my mom to get dinner ready now, if you want. That way you we can get it over with and then you can always have a panic attack for dessert.”

“You’re an ass,” Evan rolled his eyes, smacking his arm. “But I _am_ getting kinda hungry... we never did eat lunch before we left my house.”

Connor nodded. He stood, stretching. His shirt rode up, and Evan reached forward and poked his exposed stomach.

“Hey! That tickles!” Connor gasped, stepping out of Evan’s reach.

“Payback,” Evan grinned. Connor stuck his tongue out before heading upstairs.

“Hi, sweetie!” Cynthia greeted. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh,” Connor said, biting back the grin on his face. “Nothing, uh.. just a stupid movie. Um.. Evan’s kinda hungry, so..”

“I’m on it! Dinner will be ready in half an hour. Oh,” she added, as Connor was turning away. He hesitated, glancing anxiously back at her. “I’m so happy for you, Connor. Evan seems like a great friend.”

Connor blushed, dipping his head in acknowledgement before escaping back downstairs.

~*~*~

It felt like no time had passed, yet suddenly Cynthia was calling them up for dinner. Evan braced himself as they entered the dining room, where Larry and Cynthia were having a heated, whispered discussion. Connor cleared his throat, making his parents jump.

“Hi, boys!” Cynthia said cheerfully.

They settled in at the table, mumbling hello’s. Cynthia made idle chit chat for most of the meal, and Connor tried his best to engage in the conversation, which saved Evan from having to speak a lot, which he was incredibly grateful for.

Unfortunately, fate was against him; about halfway through the meal, Larry finally spoke up.

“So, Evan.”

Evan startled, nearly dropped his fork. He glanced up at Larry, hoping he hadn’t noticed.

“What do you like to do for fun?”

Evan noticed that Larry’s voice was strained, like he was trying to speak gently, which Evan thought was very strange and out of character for him.

“Um. Well. I- I like the environment. I, um, was apprenticing at- at Ellison State Park this summer until, well-“ he indicated his arm. He wasn’t sure if Larry knew about the tree incident, but Cynthia did. He hoped Larry had told her, so he wouldn’t have to answer awkward questions.

“I see. So, no sports?”

Evan opened and closed his mouth. This felt like a trap. Larry Murphy was _definitely_ a sports kind of guy. He looked like he’d played football in college. If he said he didn’t like sports, would he dismiss Evan as useless? Or weak? 

“No,” Evan finally admitted, because what was the point in lying? Lying would only open him up to questions about his favorite sport. “I mean.. my dad tried getting me to play soccer in elementary school. But I was awful at it, so I stopped.”

“He just let you quit?” Larry harrumphed, shaking his head. “Connor tried soccer, too. I wouldn’t let him quit, so he just kept scoring points for the other team until his coach kicked him out.”

Evan choked out a laugh. That was _such_ a Connor thing to do.

Connor grinned at Evan, shrugging. “Well, it worked.”

Evan laughed harder at that, which made Connor laugh, too. When they finally managed to calm down and look away from each other, they were met with a baffled look from Larry, and a big smile from Cynthia. Evan blushed, glancing down.

“My dad didn’t exactly let me quit,” Evan finally admitted. “He, um, just wasn’t around when I _did_ quit. So he, um, he couldn’t exactly stop me.”

“Not around?” Larry frowned. “Did he- is he-?”

Evan frowned, fidgeting uncomfortably in his seat. “No. No, he’s not-“

“Might as well be,” Connor said darkly.

“Connor,” Larry snapped.

“No, no he’s-“ Evan shook his head. “He left when I was- when I was seven?” He winced at the uncertainty in his voice. “So. Yeah.”

“Oh,” Larry said. He furrowed his brow. He wasn’t sure how to respond to that, so he changed the subject. “So how did you and Connor meet?”

Evan’s heart rate picked up speed. “I- um, we just-“

“School,” Connor filled in. “Got paired together on a project.”

Evan nodded. “Yeah, yup.” He felt Connor’s hand on his knee, grounding him.

Larry was frowning at him again, but his phone started ringing at that moment. Cynthia scolded him for having his phone on during dinner, but he waved her away when he pulled it out of his pocket and announced it was work.

“Work? At this time of night?” Cynthia frowned, watching him walk away. She sighed, standing to clean up the table. When Evan jumped up to help, Cynthia shooed him away. “You boys go relax, I can do this.”

After confirming that she was sure – multiple times - Evan and Connor escaped up to Connor’s room. It was still early, but they changed into pajamas before settling on Connor’s bed. They were quiet for a long time, just enjoying each other's company. But something had been nagging at Evan since dinner. So, after nearly thirty minutes of sitting in comfortable silence, Evan spoke up.

“Hey, uh-“ he paused, picking at his cuticles. 

Connor grabbed his hand and laced their fingers. “Stop that.” He kissed the back of Evan’s hand. “Talk to me.”

“Um.” Evan licked his lips. “Remember that first day we met? In the park? I was- I was up in that tree?”

Connor’s brow furrowed. He didn’t like where this was going... “Yeah, I remember.”

“I was-“ Evan cleared his throat. “I was going to jump that day. Let go. Whatever you want to call it.”

“Ev-“ Connor pulled him into a hug, holding tight. 

Evan buried his face in Connor’s shoulder, breathing in his comforting scent. He reluctantly pulled away, brushing tears off his face. “If you hadn’t shown up when you did... Well.”

“Evan, look at me.” When Evan looked up, Connor was crying, too. “I wasn’t in the park that day just to smoke.”

Dread filled Evan’s stomach. “Connor..”

“I had a bottle of sleeping pills in my pocket,” Connor continued, as if Evan hadn’t spoken. “And a razor blade.” Connor paused, raking his hand through his hair anxiously. “I’d already failed twice. I wanted it to fucking stick that time.”

Evan grabbed Connor’s hands, squeezing, bracing for the question he was about to ask. “I didn’t follow through because you were there and asked me if I could climb down on my own or if I needed help. My- my plan had been interrupted. But.. But I left before you. You- You still could have... What made you- I mean, I’m obviously glad you didn’t, obviously, I’m so sorry, I just-“

Connor silenced him with a kiss. “Because the boy I had a crush on for four years had finally spoken to me. And I was hoping it would happen again.”

“Four- Wait. _Four years_?”

Connor blushed, nodding. “Yeah.”

“Wow,” Evan mumbled, trying to process this new information. 

“So,” Connor said quickly, “What I’m trying to say is, I get it. I mean, you knew that already. But I’m saying it again. I get it. I guess we saved each other that day. I just wish.. I wish I had realized that day I dropped you off at work. I wish I’d stopped you from walking away. Wish I’d said _something_ to keep you from trying again.”

Connor’s voice was so small, so sad. This time, it was Evan who pulled Connor in for a hug, rubbing his back soothingly. 

“It’s not your fault, Connor. Please don’t- don’t blame yourself for this. I was just in a really- in a bad place. But... it doesn’t matter, okay? Because I’m fine. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Connor wrapped his arms around Evan, burying his face in Evan’s chest. Evan could feel him shaking with silent tears. He held Connor close and kissed the top of his head over and over, promising that he was there, he wasn't going anywhere, and everything would be okay.

~*~*~

The hallway carpet muffled Cynthia’s footsteps as she slowly backed away, eyes wide with horror at what she’d just overheard. 


	40. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiii I'm FINALLY back with a new chapter! Thanks for your patience! I took some time to write a few chapters ahead for the first time in forever, and I feel like I have a really great handle on what's happening next, and where this fic is going. And I'm REALLY happy with the direction it's going. Although, oof, sorry but... All aboard the Angst Train Express again! Hehehe :D Enjoy! <3

Connor woke up first the next morning. A glance at the clock told him it was later than he thought. Which made sense. He and Evan had stayed up late into the night, talking and snuggling. It has been nice to just.. hold him.

He glanced down at the boy occupying his thoughts. Evan looked at peace for the first time in a long time. Confessing that he’d let go had taken a weight off his shoulders. Connor picked at his nail polish, realizing that he felt lighter after confessing, too - both about the first day they’d met, and his long-time crush.

He carefully tiptoed around Evan, making his way downstairs to the kitchen. His stomach was grumbling, and a quick bowl of cereal would hold him over until Evan woke up and they could have a proper breakfast.

“Oh, Connor,” Cynthia greeted when he entered the kitchen. Her voice sounded cheerful, but hesitant, and her eyes looked watery.

“Uh, hi.” Connor wasn’t sure why, but the way she was staring at him made him feel like he was being scrutinized. He tried to think back to dinner the night before; had he done something or said something stupid? He didn’t think so, but-

She didn’t say anything else, just watched him as he moved around the kitchen, grabbing everything he needed and sitting at the table.

“Evan still asleep?”

He glanced up as she sat across from him. “Yeah, we were up late, uh, watching movies.”

Cynthia nodded. She didn’t say anything else, but Connor felt her gaze on him as he finished his cereal. He glanced questioningly at her, but she just smiled at him.

“Mom, what-“

“Hey, Connor? I need- Oh, um, sorry..” Evan paused in the kitchen doorway, eyes widening at the sight of Cynthia.

Connor glanced at him. “Hey, I didn’t think you’d be awake yet.”

“I-“ Evan glanced at Cynthia, biting his lip. “My mom called me. She kinda wants me home. For that, um- for a thing. So. Um. I can- I can walk if you’re-”

“Oh, don’t be silly,” Cynthia said, waving him off, not unkindly, “Connor will drive you. It was good seeing you, Evan.”

“You, um, you too, Mrs. Murphy.”

Connor frowned at his mom, then led Evan back upstairs. They changed quickly, calling a quick goodbye to Cynthia as they left.

“You okay?” Connor asked, glancing at Evan, then quickly back at the road. “Is your mom..?”

“She wants me home so we can talk.” Evan made a face, picking at his cast. “I tried to lie and say your mom was making this big, elaborate breakfast, but she said if it hadn’t been made yet then your mom could adjust how much she makes and I could come home and eat there. She took the day off work and everything.”

“Like I said, better to get it over with than draw it out,” Connor shrugged, pulling into Evan’s driveway. “I know you don’t want to, but it’s going to be okay, Ev, I swear.”

Evan nodded nervously. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m just... scared.”

“Do you want me to be there?” Connor asked, turning to face him.

“I-“ Evan shook his head. “I want you there, don’t get me wrong. But I just think... I think I need to do this myself. But I’ll let you know how it goes.”

Connor nodded, an ache in his chest. He gave Evan a quick kiss, then waited until he was safely in the house before starting the drive home.

~*~*~

Evan stood by the door for a long time before taking a deep breath and heading into the living room. Heidi was waiting. She wasn’t even pretending to do work - just sitting and waiting. Evan’s hands were shaking as he sat on the couch next to her.

“Did you have fun at Connor’s?” Heidi asked.

Evan nodded. “Y-yeah, um. Sorry that it was a last minute thing.”

Heidi nodded. “So-“

“Mom-“ Evan said quickly, cutting her off. “Look, about the other night. It’s really not- it’s not something we have to talk about, okay? Connor and I- we just had a fight and he left. And when I went to apologize, he was, um. He was just getting home and I didn’t know who Miguel was. Connor and I are- this whole thing is still new and we’re still... not great at communicating and I didn’t know and I got the wrong idea. And because it’s so, well- I just-“ He sighed, frustrated. “I don’t know what I thought. But it’s been a- a bad couple of weeks with everything that happened and my mind just went to the worst case scenario and I panicked.”

“And Connor’s answer to all this was to get high?” Heidi asked.

Evan shrugged. “He smokes weed, mom. You know he smokes weed. This whole thing is- I mean, it’s new to him, too, and he thought- Look, I know you’re my mom and you want to know things about me and- and you worry about me. But I’m also growing up and you don’t need to know, like, everything about me. We just had- it was a misunderstanding. It was a misunderstanding, and we worked through it. I’m sorry we worried you. But it’s fine and we really don’t have to discuss this or make it a thing.”

Heidi frowned, rubbing Evan’s arm. “I _do_ worry about you Evan. That’s never going to change, no matter how old you are.”

“I know,” Evan admitted. “But sometimes I need to work things out on my own. And not everything has to be- it’s not always a big deal and we don’t always have to talk it out.”

Heidi wanted to argue, but she also knew he was right. He had one more year of high school, and then he’d be off to college. She had to start letting him make mistakes, learn and grow.

“Okay, fine,” she sighed, pulling him in for a hug and rubbing his back. “But I love you, and I’m here if you want to talk, okay?”

Evan nodded. “Love you, too.”

When Heidi finally let go, he excused himself and locked himself away in his room. He settled on his bed and pulled his phone out, but hesitated, glancing at the clock. He wanted to get this over with, but he also knew he had to wait a realistic amount of time, or Connor would be suspicious.

Finally, when an hour had passed, he picked his phone back up and started typing:

**Evan: Told her. She was really upset. Obviously. She’s making me an appointment with Dr. Sherman for as soon as possible, and she says she’s going with me and we’re going to discuss what happens next.**

**Connor: Really proud of you, Ev. I know it wasn’t easy**

**Evan: Can you just do me a favor and not bring it up in front of her? She was really upset and I just can’t handle seeing her that upset again**

**Connor: Yeah, of course. I understand.**

**Evan: Thanks. Can you tell Jared, too, so he leaves it alone? I just want to deal with this in therapy and be done with it**

**Connor: Sure. Whatever I can do to help**

**Evan: Thanks, Connor. I don’t know how I’d do this without you**

**Connor: Told you I wasn’t going anywhere. I’m here for you, Ev. Always**

Evan blinked back tears, sending one last heart, then silencing his phone. He hated lying to Connor, but he just couldn’t tell his mom the truth. He just couldn’t.

~*~*~

Connor sighed in relief. He felt so much better knowing Evan had told Heidi the truth. He could get the help he needed now.

He frowned down at the fresh cuts on his arms. He had been doing so well, hadn’t cut in weeks, but the urge to had overwhelmed him out of nowhere... He sighed, quickly cleaning and bandaging the cuts, then he messaged Jared to see if he could go over and talk. Logically, he knew he could just text him and explain, but this felt more like something he should do in person. And it got him out of the house for a bit.

Jared's reply was quick:

**Jared: Sure. Basement door’ll be unlocked. Just text when you get here before you come in.**

Connor sent an okay, then made his way downstairs. Cynthia was reading in the living room. Larry was still at work, and he vaguely remembered Zoe saying something about going out with Alana. The house felt very quiet with just him and his mom there.

“I’m-“ Connor paused, not sure how to explain where he was going. “I’m going to a friend’s house.”

Cynthia glanced up at him curiously. “Evan?”

“No.. Jared Kleinman. He’s a friend of Evan’s. He, uh- we’ve been hanging out a bit because of Evan, and he’s got some cool video games. So.”

Cynthia smiled. “Oh, Connor, that’s great, sweetie. I’m so happy for you.”

Connor couldn’t help but smile tentatively back at her. “Thanks, mom.”

“But before you go.. Can we talk about something?”

“Oh..” Connor took a step back, glancing at the front door, then back at his mom. She patted the couch. He carefully sat beside her, eying her wearily.

“Connor...” Cynthia hesitated. “I love you so much, and I’m so happy for you; you’ve come so far in the last few months and you’re doing so well and you’re _trying_. I can see how hard you’re trying. You’re getting along with your sister, you have friends. And I’m so happy that we’re-“ She waved vaguely between them, tears forming in her eyes. “I’ve missed you, Connor. I feel like I finally have you back. And I’m worried- I don’t know how to bring this up without upsetting you, or pushing you away again. But I need to talk to you about something important.”

Connor tensed. He couldn’t figure out what this could possibly be about, but he could see the worry and fear on her face; she was terrified he’d go off on her, scream and throw shit like he used to. He knew that was what she was thinking. He could see it in her eyes.

“I can’t make any promises,” Connor admitted. “But.. I’ll try to- to hear you out.”

Cynthia smiled, brushing a lock of hair off his face. She held her hand out, and he let her take his hand in hers.

“I promise you, I wasn’t eavesdropping; I was coming to check on you and Evan last night, and-“

“Oh.” Connor pulled away, eyes wide with fear. He stumbled to his feet, backing away from her. “Fuck.”

Cynthia stood, approaching him slowly. “Connor-“

“No. _Fuck_.” He raked a hand through his hair, pacing back and forth. He was trying so hard not to lose it, but his heart was pounding in his chest. What had he and Evan said, exactly? How much had she heard? “I don’t know what you _think_ you heard-“

“Connor, please, try to calm down.”

Connor could tell he was starting to hyperventilate. He hadn’t had a panic attack in months - and the last time it had happened, Cynthia had comforted him. Now she was the one _causing_ it.

“What did you hear?” Connor asked sharply, trying - and failing - to calm his breathing.

“I heard Evan’s confession,” she started, choosing her words carefully. “That he let go. That he didn’t just fall.” She took a small step closer to Connor, who had stopped pacing. He was frozen, eyeing her wearily, like a deer trapped in headlights.

“He must have felt... very alone,” Cynthia continued. “And very hopeless. No one should ever have to feel that way. No one should ever have to feel like there’s no other way out. Connor, _you_ shouldn’t have to feel that way, either.”

Connor was silent for a long time. When he was finally able to speak, his voice was small and childlike. “You heard my confession, too. That I’ve- tried twice.”

Cynthia nodded. “Yes. And that you would have again, had Evan not been there that day.”

Connor had no idea what to say. Had no idea what this meant. He felt numb, and so, so scared. He stepped forward hesitantly, and she held her arms open so he could collapse into them. She walked them back to the couch and sat them down, and she rubbed Connor’s back while he sobbed.

It took a long time for his panic attack to subside, for the sobbing to taper out into sniffles. But he finally managed to calm down. Only then did he realize what this meant.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Connor snapped, pulling out of her arms, eyes wide with panic again. But when he jumped to his feet this time, Cynthia held firm, gripping his hand in her own.

“No, Connor,” Cynthia said firmly.

“Get the fuck off me,” he snapped, tugging so hard, he yanked her to her feet. She stumbled, but refused to let go. “I’m _not_ going back to that place! I won’t!”

“What place, Connor? Talk to me, sweetie,” Cynthia begged, struggling to hold onto him, to keep him from running away.

Connor shook his head frantically, scratching at her hand with his nails, clawing at her, desperate for her to let go. He had to leave. He had to get out of there. He had to.

“Connor,” Cynthia gasped, wincing as small dots of blood formed in the tracks his nails made. “Talk to me, Connor. What place?”

“That hospital,” Connor growled, finally yanking hard enough to slip free, but Cynthia was fast; she grabbed his arm, fingers circling the wrist he’d cut earlier. He hissed, recoiling.

“The- the psychiatric hospital?” Cynthia questioned, eyes widening. She almost lost her grip, but she managed to hold on, grabbing his other hand, too. “Connor, I _don't_ want to send you away. I want to help you! Please let me help you!”

“Dad will send me away,” Connor argued. “I won’t go!”

“Connor, stop fighting me, please!” Cynthia begged, struggling to hold on. “Please listen to me!”

Connor was tired. He was _exhausted_ , actually. He understood now why Evan slept for hours after a panic attack. He sank down to the floor, slumping in defeat. Cynthia knelt before him, running a hand through his hair.

“I won’t let that happen, Connor. I don’t think it needs to.” She swallowed hard. “Do you- do you still feel like you want to- like you want to hurt yourself?”

Connor hesitated. He _had_ just cut for the first time in weeks. But he didn’t want to die. For the first time in a long time, he _really_ didn’t want to die. So he shook his head.

“Then I don’t think you need to go away again, sweetie,” Cynthia said firmly. “But I _do_ think it’s time we explored therapy and medicine.”

Connor looked up, startled. He’d wanted that for so long. He was so tired of the fads and the diets and the herbs and natural remedies and the yoga retreats. He just wanted good old-fashioned therapy and medicine. But asking for such a thing had seemed so impossible. Except, maybe it wasn’t...

Cynthia must have seen something in his eyes because she nodded. “I know, Connor. I know we should have done that a long time ago. We went about this whole thing the wrong way, and I’m so sorry. But I-“ she cut off, swallowing back the tears still falling. “Hearing you tell Evan that you’d tried twice - not once, like we thought - and that you almost did again- I just.. I can’t lose you, Connor. I love you. I can’t lose you.”

Connor frowned. He was _so_ tired. His vision was blurry from crying, and his body felt so heavy. So instead of answering her, he shifted positions, curling up with his head on her lap. He closed his eyes and fell asleep, right there on the floor of the living room.

And that was how Larry found them when he came home an hour later.


	41. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii. Hope you're all well! Next stop on the angst train is here, so enjoy! :D <3

Evan stared down at his phone, biting at his cuticles. If Connor were here, he’d tell Evan to stop and he’d kiss Evan’s hand.

But he wasn’t here and he hadn’t answered any of Evan’s texts in hours. Which was really unusual, and really worrying.

After staring at his phone for another half hour, Evan couldn’t sit still any longer – he was worried and anxious and he didn’t know what to do. So he sent a text message to the only other person he could think of who might be able to help calm him down.

 **Evan:** Can I come over?

 **Jared:** Sure. Basement door will be unlocked

Evan pocketed his phone and made his way downstairs, calling out a quick “heading to Jared’s” before letting the door slam behind him. Letting the door slam was probably childish, but he was kind of annoyed with his mom, and he hoped the door slam conveyed that.

The basement door was unlocked, as Jared promised. So he let himself in and made his way downstairs; he felt a weird sense of dread because he wasn’t sure if Connor had spoken to Jared yet or not. He was mentally rehearsing what he would say either way as he walked down the basement stairs, but it all flew out of his head when he hit the bottom stair and took in the sight before him.

Miguel was sitting on the couch beside Jared, an arm around him, while Jared rested his head on Miguel’s shoulder. They were playing video games, and Jared was winning, as usual. But he was also laughing at something Miguel was saying.

When the shock wore off, Evan cleared his throat nervously. They glanced up at him, pulling apart and sitting up. Jared paused his game.

“Sorry, I- you could have told me you had company. This could have- I could have- I can go,” Evan stammered, backing towards the stairs.

“Evan,” Jared said impatiently, “I wouldn’t have said to come over if I didn’t mean it.”

“Oh," Evan mumbled. He glanced at Miguel, then away.

“I’m just surprised Connor’s not with you,” Jared added. “I figured you were both coming.”

Evan shrugged. “I haven’t heard from him since he dropped me home a few hours ago. Didn’t he message you?”

Jared frowned. “Yeah. He asked if he could come over, but he never did. What’s going on...?”

“I- oh. Um. Nothing... Just, he, um-“ Evan glanced at Miguel again, then the floor.

Miguel frowned at him.

Great. He was making a fool of himself in front of Miguel. Again. Miguel was going to think he was an idiot, that he wasn’t good enough for Connor. He might even tell Connor he could do better. Evan’s chest felt tight.

He glanced at Miguel again, and he wasn’t sure what Miguel saw there, but he gave Jared a look. Jared quirked a brow, nodding.

“So,” Jared said. “I’m just gonna go.... order us food. And shower. And maybe nap. And-“

“We get it, _pendejo_ ,” Miguel said, waving him off with a quick kiss to the cheek. “You’re giving us time alone to talk.”

Jared blushed, glancing at Evan before standing and heading upstairs, taking them two at a time.

“You want to talk to me about Connor,” Miguel said, deciding it would be better to be blunt.

Evan hesitated but nodded. “Is it- is it that obvious?”

Miguel shrugged, motioning for Evan to sit beside him. “I’ll answer what I can, if it makes you feel better. But some things are for Connor to tell you, not me.”

“Yeah, I- that’s fair,” Evan admitted. He picked at his cast for awhile, avoiding eye contact.

Miguel sighed. “I’m not going to bite, Evan.”

Evan flinched but nodded. “I just... Um. When did you- when did you guys-“

“Meet?” Miguel questioned. “When we were fifteen. We went to the same boarding school for ninth and tenth grade, until Connor got kicked out.”

Evan thought back, remembering how Connor had suddenly re-appeared at school in September of their junior year, looking rumpled and angry and with bags under his eyes.

“Why was he kicked out?”

Miguel sighed. “My fault. Connor took the fall for my weed.”

Evan frowned. “When did you start, um, dating?”

“I don’t know,” Miguel shrugged. “It was never a thing we discussed. It was more.. casual. One day we were friends, the next we were friends who kissed. A lot.”

“Oh,” Evan murmured, picking at his cuticles until they started bleeding.

“We’re over, Evan,” Miguel reminded him. “We hung out a little after he got kicked out, but we had a... fight. Near the end of the summer. And he stormed out and never looked back. I hadn’t spoken to him in months when he called me to come bail you guys out that day.”

“What was the fight about?” Evan asked, finally looking up at Miguel.

Miguel looked guilty. And sad. “You know about his scars, yeah?” When Evan nodded, Miguel continued. “The first time I saw them, it was an accident. And he wasn’t ready to talk about it and I tried to push. He got scared and ran.”

“Oh,” Evan mumbled. Then frowned again, glancing up at Miguel with a slight head tilt. “An accident? How would it happen by accident? Connor won’t take that hoodie off for anything.”

Miguel blushed, looking less than confident for the first time since Evan had met him. Evan furrowed his brow in thought, wondering what could possibly make him blush like- oh.

Oh.

“Oh,” Evan said out loud, as he realized what Miguel was implying. “You guys, uh- you’ve had-“

Miguel hesitated before nodding, and Evan looked away, mumbling another, “oh.”

“I probably just said too much,” Miguel admitted. “That should have been for Connor to tell you.”

Evan shrugged. “It’s... fine.”

But it clearly wasn’t fine, and for some reason, Miguel was able to read him like a book, even though they barely knew each other.

“Don’t get any ideas,” Miguel warned him. “Connor isn’t the kind of person to pressure anyone about anything, and you just started dating.”

Evan shifted uncomfortably, nodding like a bobble head. But the idea had already planted itself in Evan’s mind, taking root.

“Do you-“ Evan cleared his throat, trying to change the subject. “Have you guys.. hung out a lot? Lately? Like... the last few months?”

“A few times,” Miguel admitted, choosing his words carefully. “Mostly back when you two were pining idiots and he was scared he was going to ruin your friendship if he admitted he liked you.”

“Oh,” Evan frowned, trying to process that. “So- so he went to you for, like, advice and stuff?”

Miguel nodded. “And to smoke. Because he knows he’s safer getting high with me than out in a park somewhere.”

“Yeah...”

“Evan,” Miguel sighed. “Don’t. I mean it. We’re just friends. It’s obvious how much he loves you.”

Evan blushed, opening his mouth to respond, when Jared came back downstairs.

“Got that out of your systems?” Jared asked, squishing himself between Evan and Miguel so he could snuggle close to Miguel.

Evan couldn’t help but snort out a laugh. Jared always did this. He always fell hard and fast, every time. This time was no exception Evan stood and headed for the basement stairs.

“You can stay and watch movies with us,” Jared said.

“No, you two look... like you want some alone time,” Evan said, rolling his eyes affectionately when Jared took that opportunity to swing his legs over Miguel’s lap. “Case in point.” He glanced at Miguel. “Thanks.”

They watched Evan go, then settled back in to continue their video game. But Miguel had a weird feeling he’d said too much, and that was the only thing he could focus on. So Jared kept winning, until Miguel threw his remote control down and said he was bored, giving Jared an impish grin.

~*~*~

When Connor woke up, he felt like he was hung over. Except he knew he hadn’t smoked in awhile. So why did he feel like such shit?

And how had he gotten to his room? The last thing he remembered was being downstairs, talking to his mom-

Shit.

It all came crashing down.

His mom had overheard him and Evan talking about their suicide attempts. And she’d confronted him. And he’d had a panic attack. And she’d comforted him.

And she’d mentioned therapy and medicine.

Connor refused to get his hopes up, though. Larry would never agree to let him do therapy and medicine again. He’d been against it the first time, and he was less likely to agree this time.

He felt completely on edge, and completely drained. He needed to figure out a way to get out of this mess he’d made. He’d been stupid and careless; he should have taken Evan down to the basement. They would have been able to talk in private, without risk of being overheard.

He was fucked now. As soon as Cynthia told Larry, Connor would have a one-way trip back to the psych ward. He refused to go. He stood on shaky legs, stumbling across his room. He yanked his duffel bag off the top shelf of his closet, accidentally knocking a ton of other shit down. It crashed around him, narrowly avoiding his head. He threw some clothes and essentials into the bag, then grabbed his phone and keys and shoved his window open.

Before he could get a leg up, a hand clamped around his arm and pulled him back.

“Connor, what are you doing?” Larry demanded, eying the duffel bag.

“Get the _fuck_ off me,” Connor snarled, trying to yank free. “I’m _not_ going back there, and you can’t make me!”

“Back where?” Larry questioned, tightening his grip. Unlike Cynthia, he had the strength to hold on without much effort.

“That place!” Connor snapped, as Cynthia came running in behind Larry, looking concerned.

“What was that crash? Connor, baby, what’s wrong?”

“He’s trying to run away,” Larry informed her, yanking Connor’s duffel bag out of his hand and tossing it aside.

“Oh, Connor,” Cynthia sighed, stepping closer. But Connor lashed out, flailing his arms wildly.

“No! I’m _not_ going back! You can’t- I won’t go!”

“Connor, calm down,” Cynthia begged. “We want to _help_ you. We’re _not_ sending you away.”

Connor choked out a laugh, slumping in defeat. “Sure.”

“Connor,” Larry said firmly. “Look at me.”

Connor scowled, blinking back tears. He glanced up, looking from Larry to Cynthia and back.

“We’re not sending you away,” Larry said.

“Sure,” Connor sneered again, giving another half-hearted yank, but Larry held tight.

“I spoke with your mother,” Larry said, ignoring Connor’s comments. “And we’re _not_ sending you away. We’re going to find you a therapist.”

Connor immediately stopped struggling, eyes wide. He glanced at Larry, then Cynthia, who nodded at him.

“How can I trust that?” Connor argued. “How do I know you aren’t just saying that to calm me down, and then you’ll still send me away?”

“You’re just going to have to trust us,” Larry responded. He finally let Connor go, trusting that he wouldn’t try to run.

Connor sank down onto his bed. “That’s hilarious,” he huffed, staring at the floor.

“Sweetie, I know you’re scared,” Cynthia said gently, sitting beside him and running her fingers through his hair. “But I promise you, we’re not sending you away. We’re getting you the help we should have a long time ago. I’ve seen how much you’ve changed in the last few months, how hard you’re trying.”

Connor blinked back more tears. “I am. I know I’m still a fuck up, but I’m _trying_. And I don’t- I don’t want to die. I haven’t tried to- not in months. In- well, you know,” he mumbled. “You heard what I told Evan.”

Cynthia pulled Connor close, kissing the top of his head. “I know.”

Connor froze, eyes widening as a horrifying thought occurred to him. He and Evan had discussed something else that night. 

Connor had admitted he’d had a crush on Evan for years.

Cynthia _must_ have heard that, too, right? She must have.

He was going to throw up.

But if she _had_ overheard it, why hadn’t she brought it up yet? What did that mean? Was she so disgusted, she wanted to pretend she hadn’t heard it? Or, by some miracle, had she not heard that part? Had she been so distracted by the other stuff that she had missed that part of his confession?

Connor had no clue, but he wasn’t going to bring it up. He couldn’t. Especially in front of Larry. But also, not at all.

“Sweetie?” Cynthia asked, frowning in concern. Connor was shaking. She wrapped her arms around him to ground him, and he tensed at first, trying to pull away, before melting into her side.

“Why don’t you lay back down, baby? I’ll bring you some water and food in a little bit,” Cynthia promised, kissing the side of his head. When she went to stand, though, he clung to her, refusing to let go.

“Uh,” Larry said awkwardly. “I’ll just.. I can get that.” He turned and left the room.

Once he was gone, Connor broke down again, turning his head into Cynthia and sobbing into her shirt. He was shaking harder. She held tight.

“It’s okay, Connor, it’s okay,” she murmured. “I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.”


	42. I'm Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :D

Evan still hadn’t heard from Connor. The last time they’d spoken was the day before, when Evan had texted him. He didn’t want to get paranoid. He didn’t want to worry.

But he was worried.

Thankfully, Heidi was at work all day, or she’d definitely question the fact that he hadn’t eaten all day, and had spent most of the day pacing his room and biting his cuticles until they bled.

When the morning came and went, and it had officially been 24 hours since he’d last heard from Connor, he couldn’t take it anymore. He quickly dressed, grabbed his wallet and phone, and left the house. It was a long walk, but he’d done it before.

Connor’s car was in the driveway, which made Evan wonder if maybe Connor was deliberately ignoring him. Maybe Evan had done something. Maybe he’d said something that had upset Connor. Maybe Miguel had spoken to him and told Connor that Evan was an idiot. Maybe Connor was just sick of Evan’s bullshit - which, fair.

But then his anxiety did a 180, and he started to worry about Connor. Because not everything was about him, and what if this was about Connor? What if Connor was hurt or injured- what if he had tried to hurt himself?

Evan knocked harder on the door than he meant to, and Mrs. Murphy looked startled when she opened the door. Her expression softened when she realized who it was.

“Oh, Evan,” she said. She smiled but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “How are you? Is Connor expecting you?”

“Um.” Evan swallowed, taking a step back. “Not.. I mean- sorry, no. I shouldn’t have just shown up like this, I’m so sorry.” He backed away again, shaking his head. “Sorry-“

“Evan,” Cynthia said gently, resting a hand on his arm. He flinched but didn’t pull away. “It’s okay, sweetie. Connor’s asleep, but you can come in if you’d like.”

He hesitated, staring nervously at the driveway, then over Cynthia’s shoulder, into the house.

“No one else is home,” she assured him. “Come in.”

Evan hesitated another minute before stepping over the threshold. Cynthia closed the door behind him, motioning for him to follow her to the kitchen.

She got them each a glass of water and they sat at the kitchen table.

“Is everything okay?” Cynthia asked. “You look a little pale.”

“Oh- um.” Evan sipped his water to avoid answering, shrugging instead.

Cynthia frowned at him. “Evan, I know we don’t know each other very well. And I’m sure Connor’s probably told you some colorful things about us. But I’m here if you need to talk about anything.”

Evan shook his head. “No, he- I mean. I’m sorry. I just.. I shouldn’t be here. I just hadn’t heard from him and I got worried and- I should go. Really. I’m so- I shouldn’t have bothered you.” He stood so quickly, he almost knocked his chair over before steadying it, blushing with embarrassment.

“Evan, please sit,” Cynthia insisted. He hesitated, but did as he was told. “Connor- he’s had a rough few days.” She paused, frowning. “I know you’re aware of his mental health issues. And that’s he’s-“ She took a deep, steadying breath. “About his attempts.”

Evan swallowed the lump in his throat, but nodded.

“Well. He and I-“ Cynthia hesitated. She now knew, first-hand, about Evan’s anxiety. And she had a feeling outright telling him that she’d overheard their conversation wouldn’t go over well, so she chose her words carefully. “We had a conversation. And I’ve convinced his father to let him try therapy and medicine again.”

Evan’s eyes widened in shock. He knew how much Connor wanted that, but never thought he’d get it. “Oh- that’s.. that’s great, Mrs. Murphy.”

Cynthia nodded, eyes watery. “But, as I’m sure you know, Connor doesn’t open up or trust easily. And the conversation.. Well, it caused him to have a panic attack... Two, actually. The whole thing took a lot out of him, and he’s sleeping right now. That’s why you haven’t heard from him. But I’m sure he’d be very happy to see you. You’re welcome to go up and see him.”

Evan chewed on his lip, nodding. He definitely needed to see Connor now. He had to. Connor had been there for him; now he needed to be there for Connor.

He thanked Mrs. Murphy for the water, then made his way upstairs, pausing in Connor’s doorway. The room was dark, but Evan could just make Connor out, curled into a ball under his covers. Evan knelt beside the bed, placing a hand gently on top of Connor’s.

Connor startled, relaxing only when he realized it was Evan.

“Ev,” Connor croaked, tears immediately filling his eyes.

Evan climbed over him, settling along the wall. Connor rolled over, burying his face in Evan’s chest. Evan wrapped an arm around him, pulling him close.

“It’s okay, Con,” Evan whispered, kissing the top of his head. “I’m here.”

Connor cried until he had no energy left to cry, and then he fell asleep in Evan’s arms. Evan refused to let go.

~*~*~

Connor had a massive headache when he woke up. Probably from all the crying, he realized. His brain still felt fuzzy, but he vaguely remembered everything that had happened.

He was also curled up to Evan in his bed in the middle of the day with no door.

And his mom had possibly overheard him say he had a crush on Evan.

Fuck.

He sat up quickly, which was a bad idea because the room started to spin. He reached out blindly to steady himself and ended up smacking Evan in the stomach.

“ _Shit_ ,” Evan gasped, sitting up. “What happened?” He rubbed his gritty eyes, blinking up at Connor.

“Sorry, I just got dizzy and-“ Connor shrugged sheepishly.

“It’s fine, I don’t even remember falling asleep.” Evan yawned, crossing his legs under him and placing his hand on Connor’s knee. “You okay? I was so worried.”

Connor started to nod, but hesitated. “I- I don’t know, honestly. It’s been- I don’t know.” He glanced anxiously at his door-less doorway.

“Do you want to take a walk?” Evan asked suddenly.

Connor nodded, looking relieved. He stood, quickly changing out of his pajamas and into jeans and his hoodie. He slipped his shoes on, then followed Evan downstairs.

“Oh! Connor,” Cynthia said, smiling hopefully when they popped into the kitchen. “How are you feeling?”

Connor shrugged, looking away. Not knowing whether or not she’d overheard him tell Evan about his crush was making him more anxious than anything else that had transpired.

“We’re going for a walk,” Evan announced, when it became clear Connor wasn’t going to say it.

“Have fun! Dinner’s at six, if you’re staying.”

“I hadn’t thought about it-“

“Well, you’re welcome to stay,” Cynthia said warmly. Evan said a quick thank you, then he and Connor headed out the front door. Once they were a block away, Evan grabbed his hand and laced their fingers.

They walked in silence until they reached a small park not far from Connor’s house. They sat beneath a tree, Connor laying down and placing his head in Evan’s lap. Evan stroked his hair, letting his fingers gently scratch Connor’s scalp. It felt so good, so relaxing; Connor didn’t want it to end, but he knew he had to tell Evan what happened. His mom knew about their attempts, and maybe about their relationship. Evan had a right to know and be prepared.

So, reluctantly, he sat up. Evan frowned, lacing their fingers again.

“Talk to me,” Evan said gently.

Connor pulled his hand away, picking anxiously at the grass. “You’re going to hate me.”

“I could never hate you, Connor.”

“You will,” Connor sniffled. “Fuck.” He swiped angrily at his tears.

“Connor, look at me,” Evan said firmly. Connor shook his head, his tears falling harder. “Con, come on.”

Connor finally looked up, and Evan could see the fear and guilt in his eyes.

“You’re starting to scare me. Please talk to me.”

“I-“ Connor leaned forward suddenly and kissed Evan, hard.

Evan wrapped an arm around him, returning the kiss. 

Connor pulled back, sighing. “Sorry, had to do that before- you’re not going to want to talk to me after this. So.”

“You’re wrong. Nothing could make me stop talking to you.”

“My mom heard us,” Connor blurted.

Evan looked like Connor had slapped him. “Wh- what? Heard-?”

“She heard us talking about our suicide attempts,” Connor said, tears streaming down his face. “She confronted me. It’s- I mean. It’s what made her finally convince my dad I needed therapy and medicine. But she heard us. And- shit, I’m so sorry Evan. I’m so sorry. I know you don’t want to talk about it anymore and I don’t know if she’ll even say anything to you or not but-“

Evan was trying _really_ hard to focus on his breathing, to not panic. Connor needed him to be calm, needed him to be the rational one this time.

“Okay, okay, let’s- Try to breathe, Con,” Evan said firmly. He scooted closer, taking Connor’s hands in his and squeezing. “Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe your mom _needed_ to know how bad things were, and how many times you’ve tried to- Maybe she needed to see you were getting better, too. I mean, hearing what she heard _did_ convince her to talk to your dad about therapy and medicine. And you’ve wanted that for a long time, right?”

Connor nodded. “Yeah, I guess. But- I don’t know. I just wish she hadn’t overheard about your attempt. It’s just not her business, you know?”

“I know, but if her hearing what she did means you get the help you need and want, then-“ Evan cut off suddenly, eyes widening with panic. “Wait, you don’t think she’ll tell us we can’t be friends anymore, do you? That I’m not a good influence because I’m- you know.”

Connor shook his head. “No way. She wouldn’t have even let you in the house if she was going to do that.”

“Okay, so maybe this is good then. Maybe this was, like, meant to happen.”

“I-“ Connor swallowed back his panic. “There’s something else.”

Evan stared blankly at him, dread forming a pit in his stomach. What else could there possibly be..?

“I don’t- she hasn’t said anything. But she might- I mean, if she heard everything else, then she might have also heard me admit that- when I said- that I had a crush on you.”

Connor didn’t think it was possible for Evan to go any paler than he already was. But he looked white as a sheet now.

“Oh,” he said quietly, licking his lips. After everything Connor had said about his parents and not wanting to come out to them... “Well. She hasn’t said anything, right? So- so maybe she didn’t hear.”

“Or she did and she hates me and she’s trying to pretend she didn’t,” Connor snapped. He dropped his head into his hands. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t- I’m sorry. This is my fault, not yours.”

“Connor, it’s no one’s fault. It happened and we’ll deal with it. And I’m sure she doesn’t hate you. She was being really nice. She wouldn’t be nice if she hated you. Maybe she _did_ hear, but she’s pretending she didn’t so you can tell her in your own time. Maybe- have you considered just talking to her about-“

“No,” Connor said quickly. “No, Ev- I know I was an ass about you telling your mom about your fall. And I know I’m being a hypocrite now, but I just can’t. I can’t. Please don’t make me.”

Connor was shaking again. Evan pulled him in and hugged him, rubbing his back.

“Okay, it’s okay. You don’t have to if you aren’t ready. I just hate that you’re so stressed about this. And finding out if she knows could make it-“

“Worse,” Connor said bluntly. “It could make it worse. I just- Look, maybe I’m being irrational. My family- I know they’re trying. Even my dad. He wouldn’t have said yes to therapy if he wasn’t trying. And maybe you’re right. Maybe my mom heard but she’s giving me the chance to tell her myself. Maybe she knows and she doesn’t hate me, but- I just... If there's a chance she _didn't_ hear- I just... I’m not ready to tell them this. I’m just not.”

“It’s okay,” Evan assured him, giving his hand a squeeze. “I get it.”

Connor buried his face in Evan’s chest, trying to take a deep breath, but he was still shaking. Evan held Connor for a long time, rubbing his back, kissing everywhere he could reach without letting go.

“It’s getting close to dinner. Are you ready to face your parents again?” Evan asked, brushing Connor’s hair off his face and tucking it behind his ear. “I’ll be by your side, if it helps.”

“It definitely helps,” Connor said, sounding relieved.

Evan helped him to his feet and they started walking, hand in hand.

“And if it helps, I can tell them about my experience in therapy.” He frowned, going quiet for a minute. “Do- do you think your mom told your dad about my attempt, too?”

“I don’t know,” Connor admitted. “She might have. Just.. Don’t bring that up unless you want to, though, okay? Because I’m really not sure if he knows and if you don’t want him to know-“

Evan squeezed Connor’s hand. “It’s okay. If talking about it helps you, I’ll do it. I’ll be fine.”

Connor stopped them in the middle of the sidewalk and threw his arms around Evan, hugging him tight. “I don’t know what the fuck I’d do without you.”

“You don’t have to find out,” Evan assured him.

~*~*~

Dinner with Larry and Cynthia was awkward and stilted. They kept eyeing Connor, then each other, like they didn’t know what to say or how to bring it up - or if they even should with Evan there. Connor looked like he was in physical pain, like he was going to throw up. Sometimes, Evan knew, the anticipation was worse than whatever you were dreading.

So he cleared his throat, drawing the attention off Connor and onto him. A small part of him was ready to break down and panic, but he also knew this would help Connor. And he needed to help.

“I- um. If- if you have any questions about, like, therapy or anything..” Evan shrugged, eyes darting from Larry to Cynthia, finally settling on Cynthia because she had kind eyes. “I’m not- obviously not an expert. But if it helps. If asking helps-“ he gestured at Connor. “I’ll- I want to help if I can.”

There was a long silence after he spoke, and he wondered if he’d made it worse. Connor was staring at him with wide eyes, like he couldn’t believe Evan had volunteered to do this. Evan couldn’t believe it, either.

Surprisingly, though, Larry spoke up. His gruff voice in the sudden silence startled Evan, who jumped, flinching as he turned to look at him. Larry frowned when he noticed how nervous Evan looked, and actually seemed to make an effort to speak gently.

“How long have you... been in therapy?”

“Oh, um,” Evan chewed his lip. “Since the middle of sophomore year.”

“And you still tried to-“ Larry paused, looking sheepish. “Sorry.”

So Cynthia _had_ told him about Evan’s attempt. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

“No, it’s- like I said, if this helps... Um, yeah, I still- well. Therapy helps? And medicine helps? But, um. It’s not perfect and it’s still- it takes time and effort and hard work, and some days still just. Completely suck. But it helps a lot. I’m sorry, I know that’s weird and maybe not- it’s not what you want to hear? But it’s not a complete, immediate fix. But it helps.”

Larry looked thoughtful. Under the table, Connor grabbed Evan’s hand and squeezed gratefully. Because he’d just said the thing Larry needed to hear - and understand - the most.

“And what did your therapist say about-“ Larry gestured at Evan’s cast.

“Oh, he- um. I have an appointment tomorrow, actually. I- He didn’t- I just told my mom a few days ago. So. I don’t know yet,” Evan said quickly, avoiding Connor’s gaze as his heart rate increased.

“You didn’t tell me that,” Connor said, almost accusatorially. Evan flinched, and Connor tried to soften his tone. “I just. I could drive you, if you want. For moral support. If you want.”

“I- Yeah, my mom is taking me. She’s, um. Sitting in on the session. So. But thanks.”

Connor frowned. It made sense, but he wanted to be there. He knew Evan was terrified, and he wanted to be there for him.

Larry and Cynthia were staring at them when they looked away from each other. They asked a few more questions, and Evan answered to the best of his ability. By the end of it, though, he felt drained, and announced that he should get going.

“It’s still early, though,” Connor argued. “We can watch a movie and I can drive you home later.”

“I just- early appointment,” Evan shrugged, not meeting Connor’s eyes.

“Evan.. Please?” Connor didn’t even care that his parents were right there. He didn’t want Evan to leave yet.

Evan finally relented, and they escaped down to the basement - no way was Connor making the same mistake as he had the other day. He made sure the basement door was firmly closed.

“Why didn’t you tell me you had Dr. Sherman tomorrow?” Connor asked, once they’d settled on the couch.

“I- I don’t know,” Evan sighed. “I just- I’m scared? I don’t know what he’s going to say or what’s going to happen.”

Connor pulled Evan into his arms. “It’s okay, Ev. He’s going to help you, you know that, right? And I’m here no matter what happens.”

Evan nodded, pressing his face into Connor’s shoulder. “I should be the one comforting you, after everything that’s happened. I suck.”

“You don’t suck, stop that,” Connor scolded. “What you did up there for me? I just.. I could tell my dad was _actually_ listening to you. Do you know how- how much that helps? You have no idea-“ Connor choked back tears. “Seriously.”

Evan pulled away long enough to kiss Connor, then snuggled back into his arms. They turned on a movie and watched it in silence; neither boy had the energy to talk after the emotional rollercoaster that was dinner. When it was over, even Connor finally agreed it was getting late, and offered to drive Evan home. 

Both Larry and Cynthia were in the living room when they passed by.

“Connor,” Larry called, a question in his voice.

Connor paused. “I’m just driving Evan home and then I’ll be back.”

When Larry nodded, Evan followed Connor outside and into the car. The drive to Evan’s was quiet, but Connor held Evan’s hand the entire time.

“Keep me posted tomorrow, okay?” Connor asked as he pulled into Evan’s driveway.

“Yeah- I’ll. Yeah.” Evan gave him a quick kiss before hurrying into the house, Connor frowning after him.


	43. Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi hey enjoy this major angst train chapter <3

Connor was restless the next day. Evan hadn’t disclosed what time, exactly, his appointment was. Morning melted into afternoon, and all he could do was sit on his bed, staring at his phone, waiting for Evan to message him and let him know how it had gone.

“Connor, baby, I know you’re worried about Evan but staring at your phone won’t make him suddenly call,” Cynthia reminded him.

Connor glanced up. She stood in his doorway, looking worried.

Connor sighed. “I know.”

Cynthia stepped into the room, sitting at the end of his bed. “How are you? I know a lot has happened the last few days, and-“ she frowned, patting his knee.

He shrugged, “Still... processing.”

Cynthia was silent for a long time. “Hey,” she finally said, “why don’t we go shopping? Just, spend some time together? We haven’t done that in ages, and maybe it’ll distract you until you hear from Evan. And I promise I won’t make you talk about anything you don’t want to.”

Connor really, _really_ didn’t want to. But his mom looked so hopeful, so he reluctantly agreed.

~*~*~

Evan had bitten every cuticle until it bled, and he still hadn’t thought of a good enough lie to tell Connor later. He wanted to google it, to see what happened when you told your therapist you had tried to kill yourself. But he was worried his mom would see the search history, even though he knew logically he could erase it.

He leaned back against his pillows, wondering if he could just get away with avoiding Connor for the rest of the day, but he knew Connor would worry and maybe even just show up unannounced.

A text from Heidi interrupted his thoughts.

**Heidi: Class canceled. Going to go food shopping and then bring home an early dinner. Any preferences?**

**Evan: Chinese?**

Heidi sent an affirmative, and Evan went back to worrying about what he was going to tell Connor.

~*~*~

“This is the last stop, I promise,” Cynthia assured Connor, as they headed into the grocery store.

Connor groaned, rolling his eyes. “That’s what you said the last three stops.”

Cynthia laughed. “You sound like a sullen teenager.” She paused, before saying softly, “it’s nice.”

Connor grimaced, feeling guilty. He’d been such a problem child, his mom actually _appreciated_ him acting like a typical sullen teenager. How pathetic.

They shopped in companionable silence, with Cynthia making light conversation as they went. They were almost done when they rounded the corner and bumped carts with someone.

“Oh, sorry!” The woman said quickly.

“Pardon me,” Cynthia replied. “I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

“No, no, neither was- oh! Connor!”

Connor blinked in surprise. “Heidi?”

“Connor, don’t be rude,” Cynthia scolded, as she realized who they’d run into. “Call her Ms. Hansen.”

“Oh, it’s fine,” Heidi assured her with a smile. “Connor’s a great kid.”

“Thank you,” Cynthia said, smiling a watery smile. “It’s so nice to officially meet you, Heidi. Evan is such a lovely young man. We love having him over.”

Heidi grinned - until she caught the look on Connor’s face. “Everything okay, Connor?”

“I just... I thought you were taking Evan to his Dr. Sherman appointment today? Was it earlier?” Connor asked, dread pooling in his stomach.

Heidi frowned. “No, he doesn’t have an appointment today. And he’s been taking the bus, since I’ve been working a lot.”

Connor’s jaw clenched. Evan had lied to him. He hadn’t told Heidi the truth.

“Connor?” Cynthia asked uncertainly, eyes wide with worry.

He shook his head at her, hoping she understood his silent plea. Then he glanced at Heidi. “Oh. I must have gotten the day wrong. Sorry.”

Heidi quirked a brow, opening her mouth to question him.

“Can we go home? I don’t feel well,” Connor suddenly blurted, glancing pleadingly at Cynthia again.

“Of course,” she assured him. “It was nice meeting you, Heidi.”

Connor followed Cynthia to the checkout, painfully aware that Heidi was watching them go. He barely made it to the car before he let out a frustrated scream, kicking the tires. 

“Connor!” Cynthia cried, hurrying to his side and grabbing his arms. “Sweetie, calm down!”

Connor took a deep breath, shaking his head. “Sorry, I’m- sorry.”

Cynthia helped him into the car, then quickly loaded the groceries into the trunk. By the time she was back in the car and pulling into traffic, Connor had gotten his anger under control.

Now he was just scared.

Evan had lied. He hadn’t told Heidi the truth.

“Connor, what’s going on?” Cynthia asked, glancing at him, then the road.

“Evan lied. He- _fuck_ ,” he growled, slamming his fist against the glove box in front of him.

“Connor!” Cynthia cried, and Connor could hear the tremor in her voice. He was scaring her.

“I’m sorry- just. I’m sorry.” Connor ran a shaking hand through his hair. “I need you to drop me off somewhere.” He rattled off Jared’s address, then texted him that he was coming over, that it was an emergency. Jared replied a minute later, saying the basement door would be unlocked.

“Connor..?”

“Evan lied,” Connor said hollowly. “He told me he was going to tell his mom the truth about his fall and he didn’t.”

“What are you saying, Connor?” Cynthia asked, although she had a feeling she knew.

“His mom thinks his fall was an accident. She doesn’t know he- she doesn’t know it was intentional. That he tried to-“

Cynthia reached over and rubbed Connor’s arm soothingly.

They drove in silence until they reached Jared’s house.

“Where are we?” Cynthia asked, frowning.

“Jared Kleinman’s house. He’s known Evan for, like, ten years. He’ll know what to do.”

Cynthia nodded, frowning at Connor in concern. “It’ll be okay, sweetie.”

“Yeah, I don’t know.”

Connor mumbled a thank you for the ride, then got out of the car and made his way inside the house. He paused at the bottom of the basement stairs, blinking in confusion.

“M?”

“Hey, _Principito_ ,” Miguel said sheepishly.

Connor stared at them for a long time. He wanted to be happy for them. He _was_ happy for them. But all he could think about was Evan, and how scared he was for Evan.

“Evan lied,” he blurted.

“What?” Jared asked, frowning. “About what?”

“He said he was going to tell his mom the truth. He said he _had_. He said he had an appointment today to see Dr. Sherman and tell _him_ the truth, and Heidi was going with him to discuss next steps, and I just ran into her in the supermarket. She had no clue.”

“Fuck,” Jared snapped, sitting up. Miguel rubbed his back soothingly.

“What do we do now? Do we confront him?”

Jared frowned, then pulled his phone out and sent a text message to someone. It was a tense, quiet minute before he received a response.

“Heidi’s on her way here. We’re telling her. I’m done waiting for Evan to do it.” Jared stood, motioning them to follow him upstairs to the living room.

Miguel sat between them on the couch so he could squeeze both their hands comfortingly.

“I lied to get Heidi here so she wouldn’t worry while she was driving,” Jared said quickly, looking ashamed.

Miguel gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. Jared sank into his side. None of them spoke after that, waiting anxiously for the knock on the door, signaling Heidi’s arrival.

Jared pulled the door open.

“Hey, Jared! Long time no see!” Heidi said with a smile. “Please thank your mom for this - Evan’s been, well. I think your mom’s brisket is just the thing to- Oh! Connor, how are you? And... Miguel, right?”

Heidi looked at them with a puzzled look on her face, frowning as Connor stood and approached her, Jared standing slightly to the side for moral support.

“I have to tell you something,” Connor managed to say, after staring anywhere but Heidi for a long time.

Heidi looked resigned, like she was bracing for the worst. “Does this have anything to do with what you said at the supermarket?”

Connor nodded. He was starting to shake, his nerves on fire.

“We tried to get him to tell you-“ Connor started.

“I even threatened him,” Jared offered, stepping closer. “He promised he’d tell Connor and then he promised he’d tell you.”

“And then he told me he _had_ told you,” Connor said bitterly, blinking back tears. “But he clearly hasn’t. So.”

“Connor, what is it? Talk to me,” Heidi begged, glancing anxiously from Connor to Jared and back.

“He lied,” Connor blurted, the tears he’d tried to hold back falling freely now. “His fall- it wasn’t an accident. He- he let go. He let go and he was trying to- to-“

Heidi’s mouth dropped open, and she shook her head like she didn’t want to believe it. But she pulled Connor into a hug because Connor was starting to sob.

“It wasn’t just once,” Connor said once he’d managed to calm down. “He tried a few times but- but he was always interrupted and couldn’t. And then he finally did it and-“

“What?” Jared asked sharply, frowning at Connor. How had he not known that part?

Heidi shook her head, blinking back tears. “He- I didn’t- I didn’t know. I’m such a terrible mother. I should have known.”

“You’re not a terrible mother,” Connor snapped. He felt bad snapping at her, but he refused to let her blame herself. “Take it from someone who’s also tried to- to- It’s not your fault. He- I mean, I can’t speak for him. But I just figured- I figured I was a burden and my family would be better off without me. And I always hid it well. They never knew, either.”

Heidi pulled Connor into an even tighter hug, feeling dazed and hurt and like her world was falling apart, like the ground was falling out from under her. But she kept that all inside; she needed to be strong for Connor and Jared. And for Evan. Especially for Evan. Evan needed her, and she couldn’t fall apart. Not now. Not yet. Later – She could fall apart later, once she was sure he was safe. But not yet.

“We’ll come with you,” Jared said. “We’ll confront him with you. It’ll be harder for him to lie if we’re all there.”

Heidi hesitated. This should be her problem, her responsibility. She was the adult, the mom. But Jared was Evan’s friend, and Connor was his boyfriend. He’d admitted the truth to them already, and maybe they could convince him to open up to her. So she nodded.

Jared assured Miguel he could wait there for him, and he and Connor followed Heidi back to her car. They drove in silence to the Hansen house, then paused at the front door. Heidi was frozen, like she didn’t know what to do.

She finally shook herself out of her daze and unlocked the door. “Let me do the talking, at least in the beginning, okay?”

Once Connor and Jared had agreed, she opened the door and led the way up to Evan’s room. He was still on his bed. He sat up when he saw Heidi.

And then Connor and Jared walked into the room, blocking the door.

Evan paled. “What’s... what’s going on? Did I miss a hang-out or something?” He tried to laugh it off, but his voice caught in this throat.

“Evan,” Heidi said, carefully sitting down beside him and reaching out to grab his hand. “Evan, we need to talk.”

“I- about what? There’s nothing to talk about.” Evan’s mouth went dry, and he glared at Jared and Connor. “What did you tell her? They’re lying, mom. Whatever they said-“

“Evan,” Heidi said soothingly. “Baby. Please talk to me.”

Evan shook his head, yanking his hand away. “No. What the f- what is this? An intervention? For what?”

“Evan, please calm down,” Heidi said gently.

“No,” Evan snapped, jumping to his feet. “No. I don’t know what they said but whatever it is, it isn’t true.”

“If it’s not true, why are you getting so defensive?” Jared questioned, and Connor was _really_ glad Jared had said it and not him.

“I- because- Because you’re _ambushing_ me,” Evan huffed, glaring at them. He jumped off the bed when Heidi tried to take his hand again, inching toward the window. Jared wasn’t sure exactly what he thought he was doing, but he moved quickly to block the window, just in case.

“Ev, we just want to help you. We love you and we want to get you the help you need,” Connor said gently. He wanted to move to Evan’s side, to comfort him. But he had a feeling Evan didn’t want him to come anywhere near him, and he was afraid to move away from the door, in case Evan tried to make a break for it.

“I’m _fine_ ,” Evan insisted. “I don’t know why- this isn’t- I don’t know what they told you, mom, but I’m- I’m fine.”

“Evan, you’re not fine,” Heidi protested. “You’re not fine, and I should have seen that you weren’t fine, and I’m so sorry. Evan, please, just talk to me.”

Evan backed away from them, shaking his head, until his back hit the wall and he was cornered. He was literally backed into a corner and it was his own fault.

“You told me you’d told your mom the truth,” Connor said suddenly, sounding hurt and maybe a little betrayed. “You said she was going with you to Dr. Sherman’s today.”

Evan opened and closed his mouth, shaking his head. “I- No. I never said that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m- I’m not- I’m _fine_. You can’t send me away. I won’t go. I’m _fine_.”

“Baby, you’re not _fine_ ,” Heidi argued, her voice desperate. “You- you tried to-“

“No,” Evan said, voice flat. “I fell. I lost my grip and- and I-“ He cut off, suddenly sounding very tired and defeated. His back was pressed against the wall, and he let himself slide down to the floor, knees against his chest. He dropped his head down onto his knees and started sobbing.

Connor walked quickly to his side, dropping down in front of him.

“Evan, look at me.”

Evan wearily lifted his head. Connor laced his fingers with Evan’s.

“I know you’re scared. I know you don’t want to go to in-patient. I know how you feel because I’ve been where you are, and I’ve done the in-patient stuff, and it sucks. But you need help. Even if you aren’t- aren’t actively suicidal anymore-“

“I’m not, I swear I’m not,” Evan said quickly. Then he realized that admitting that meant he _had_ been, so he’d just basically admitted to Heidi that he _had_ let go of that tree branch. He looked up at her with wide, terrified eyes.

Heidi knelt beside Connor, taking Evan’s other hand in hers. She blinked back tears.

“I’m so sorry,” Evan finally managed to say, his voice shaking. “I’m such a- I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I’m like this.”

“Stop that,” Connor scolded. “Stop apologizing, Evan. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Evan couldn’t help the hysterical laughter that bubbled out of him. “I did. I always do. I can’t do anything right. I can’t- I can’t even _die_ right. I wouldn’t be a burden to any of you if I’d just managed to _die_ right.”

Heidi let out a horrified gasp, pulling Evan into a crushing hug and refusing to let go, no matter how much he struggled and protested.

“Evan, I need you to listen to me,” Heidi said, once she was able to compose herself. “You are _not_ a burden. I love you. You’re my _son_. You mean more to me than-than anything in the world, and I need you to know that. I need you to believe that.”

Evan was crying again. He didn’t want to be but he was and he couldn’t help it. He fell forward into Heidi’s arms again. She held him tight and rubbed his back.

When he finally stopped crying, Connor helped him to his feet, keeping an arm around him to steady him.

“I’m going to go call Dr. Sherman. I’ll be right downstairs if you boys need me.” She rubbed Connor’s arm gratefully, then gave Jared a hug before heading downstairs.

“Sleepy,” Evan mumbled, dropping his head against Connor’s chest.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Jared said, taking a step back. “Thanks, uh, for telling me about this,” he said, motioning towards Evan.

Connor shrugged. “You’re his friend. You deserved to be here for this. I should have listened to you sooner-“

Jared held a hand up, shaking his head. “He’s in good hands now.”

“Tell Miguel I said hi,” Connor said, somehow managing a small smile despite how badly he wanted to cry. He was scared for Evan, but he was still happy for Jared and Miguel, and he had to acknowledge that. “And also, if you hurt him, I’ll hurt you.”

Jared couldn’t help but laugh, though it cracked on the way out and was stiff and short. “Noted. Just.. keep me posted on what happens, okay?”

Connor nodded, watching him go. He helped Evan change into pajamas, then tucked him into bed.

“Stay,” Evan begged, eyes filling with tears again.

“Not going anywhere,” Connor assured him, settling beside him and wrapping Evan in his arms. “Promise.”


	44. Poker Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii everyone :D Hope you all had a wonderful holiday season! 
> 
> Major TW for this chapter for talk of suicide, suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts, etc. Please be safe! 
> 
> Please note: I did a bit of research for this chapter, but not a ton. Mostly, I did what fit the plot. So I apologize if it's not accurate to what would really happen irl, but I hope you still enjoy it <3

The incessant ticking of the clock was driving him insane.

“Evan?”

That’s what clocks _did_ , but it was just grating on his nerves for some reason.

“Evan?”

He just wanted to run across the room, rip it off the wall, and stomp on it.

“Evan!”

Evan jumped, blinking up at Dr. Sherman.

“I asked you a question.”

Evan blinked, glancing at Heidi, who was watching him like a hawk, concern in her eyes. Then he glanced back at Dr. Sherman.

“I’m- Sorry, can you- what was the question?”

Dr. Sherman frowned. “I said, do you know why we’re here today?”

Evan pressed his lips together, fingers playing anxiously with the hem of his shirt. He shook his head, then paused. He’d gotten so used to lying about it, it was an automatic response. He sighed, then nodded.

“Can you tell me, out loud and in your own words, why we’re here?”

Evan scowled, feeling tired and frustrated. Dr. Sherman knew why they were there; Heidi had told him when she’d called. Why did he have to say it if they all knew?

He must have said that last part out loud, because Dr. Sherman stared at him for a long time before writing something down, then saying, “I need you to say it out loud. I need to know that you understand what you tried to do, and why you’re here.”

Evan glanced anxiously at Heidi, who took his hand and squeezed, giving him a reassuring nod. He scowled, yanking his hand away and staring down at his lap again.

“Evan?”

“I know,” Evan snapped. “This is just- this is stupid. I don’t need to be here. This isn’t- we don’t need to- I’m _fine_.”

“It’s stupid that you tried to take your own life?”

“No,” Evan huffed. “I mean- I didn’t- it’s stupid that we’re here, having this conversation.”

“Why?”

Evan shrugged, staring stubbornly at his lap.

“Would you rather be somewhere else?”

Evan snorted, but didn’t offer any other answer.

“Would you rather be dead?”

Evan jumped, looking up at Dr. Sherman with wide, startled eyes.

“Was that really necessary?” Heidi demanded, blinking back tears. This time, when she offered her hand to Evan, he gripped it tightly.

“It was meant to elicit a reaction, which it did,” Dr. Sherman explained.

“That’s- I-“ Evan spluttered. “No, I wouldn’t rather be dead.”

At least that was the truth. Although, to be fair, Evan had only truly realized it in that moment.

“An honest answer,” Dr. Sherman confirmed, because of course he knew Evan well enough to know when he was and wasn’t lying.

Evan scowled down at his lap again.

Dr. Sherman sighed. “Evan, we aren’t going to get anywhere if you don’t talk to me. Your mother and I just want to help you.”

“By sending me away?’ Evan snapped, angry tears filling his eyes.

“Why would we send you away?”

Evan hated how calm Dr. Sherman sounded. He was always so calm. He also hated that he’d backed himself into another corner by saying that.

Heidi could feel Evan shaking. She tried to pull him closer, but he pulled away.

“Evan, why would we send you away?” Dr. Sherman repeated, giving him one of those piercing looks, the kind that Evan knew all too well.

“If you thought- if I said I-“ Evan huffed again, glancing at the clock. The incessantly ticking clock. It was really getting on his nerves.

“If you said you- what?” Dr. Sherman pressed.

“Nothing. Nothing. I didn’t do _anything_ ,” Evan finally snapped, standing and pacing the room frantically.

“Evan, please,” Heidi pleaded.

“Lying won’t do you any favors, Evan,” Dr. Sherman said firmly.

“I’m not lying,” Evan insisted, still pacing.

“Evan, you told me you-“ Heidi’s voice caught in her throat. “You told Jared and Connor, too. We know you’re lying now. Please, just-“

“How do you know I wasn’t lying then?” Evan argued. “You can’t- you’re just assuming-“

“Why would you lie and tell your friends you tried to commit suicide if it wasn’t true?” Dr. Sherman questioned.

“They _ambushed_ me,” Evan snapped. “They wouldn’t- I tried to- They wouldn’t-“

“Evan,” Heidi said hesitantly, biting her lip. “Mrs. Murphy heard you admit to Connor that you had tried before, too.”

Evan froze, looking like a deer in headlights.

“How do you know that?” He asked, stomach clenching with nerves.

And then he wanted to kick himself. Because he’d basically just admitted that he HAD tried to kill himself.

Shit.

“Mrs. Murphy reached out, to offer her support, if I need anything,” Heidi admitted. “She told me she heard what you said.”

Evan felt like he was going to throw up. “I- I just- I didn’t-“ He shook his head. His legs were shaking, but he didn’t want to sit beside Heidi again. He slowly sank to the floor, resting his head on his knees.

“Evan, look at me.”

Evan reluctantly looked up at Dr. Sherman, tears streaming down his face. “Please don’t- don’t send me away.”

Dr. Sherman frowned at him. “Evan, I’d like to talk to your mom alone for a minute. We’ll be right outside. Do you think you’ll be safe alone, or would you like my secretary to sit with you?”

Evan hesitated. “I’ll- I’m fine.”

Dr. Sherman frowned at him for a minute before motioning Heidi to follow him outside into the waiting area.

They were gone a long time. Or, it felt like a long time. Evan remained on the floor, too tired to move.

They were going to send him away. Lock him up and throw away the key. He just knew it. He finally had a life worth living – he had friends (he included Zoe and Alana in there, even if he wasn’t sure they considered him friends), he had a boyfriend who loved him, and he and his mom were basically in a better place than they’d ever been. And now he was going to lose it all. Lose everything. All because he wasn’t a better liar. Didn’t have a good poker face. 

He should have been better at lying to Jared. It all went back to admitting the truth to Jared. If he’d just lied, this wouldn’t be happening right now. He’d be home with Connor, hanging out and watching a movie. Or maybe they’d be at Jared’s, playing video games. 

No. 

It went back further than that. It wasn’t that he should have been better at lying to Jared. He should have just been better at dying. If he’d died right, they wouldn’t be here right now. They’d all think he had fallen, that it had been an accident. This wouldn’t be happening right now. He wouldn’t be seconds away from getting locked up in the crazy house.

Wait.

He frowned, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes. He couldn’t think thoughts like that while he was sitting in the middle of his therapist’s office. First of all, he didn’t still feel that way – he didn’t still want to die. Second of all, what if he accidentally thought those things out loud? Like earlier, when he’d accidentally said something out loud rather than to himself?

He started biting his cuticles to keep his mouth busy. If he was biting his cuticles, he wouldn’t be able to say anything dumb.

He flinched when the door opened and Dr. Sherman and his mom finally reappeared, accidentally tearing away a chunk of skin from his middle finger. Blood blossomed as he watched them take their seats again. He glanced up wearily at them.

“Evan, I’m going to ask you something. And I need you to be honest with me - no deflecting, no lying. No more games. Can you do that?”

Evan swallowed, his throat feeling dry. But he was tired - so, so tired. So he nodded.

“Do you want to kill yourself?”

“No!” Evan shouted. “No, I- no.”

Dr. Sherman stared at him for a long time. “But you did want to a few weeks ago?”

“I-“ Evan sniffled, but nodded miserably.

“And you actively did try to kill yourself by letting go of that tree branch?”

Evan flinched, choking back a sob. “Y-yes.”

“Do have the urge to hurt yourself now? I need you to be honest with me, Evan.”

“I don’t,” Evan said firmly. “I swear I don’t.”

“What’s changed since then?”

“Why does it matter?” Evan snapped, curling into himself. “I don’t- I’m not going to-“

“Evan,” Heidi said gently, patting the couch. “Please.”

He bit back another protest, grudgingly getting up and sitting back on the couch.

“My question does matter, Evan,” Dr. Sherman assured him. “So, what’s changed in the last few weeks?”

Evan licked his lips. His mouth felt like sandpaper. “I’m-“ he sighed, staring at his lap. The truth was, he had Connor now. But he knew that would sound like he was dependent on Connor, like all his hope was pinned on Connor. And maybe that was partially true. But it was more than that.

“I can’t- I don’t know,” he finally said. “I just... I’m in a better place with-with my friends, and my mom, and- I just don’t want to anymore.”

Dr. Sherman frowned. “Your mom said you mentioned, just last night, that you couldn’t do anything right - couldn’t even die right. And if you had, you wouldn’t be a burden to anyone anymore.”

Evan looked to Heidi with wide, betrayed eyes.

“I’m sorry, sweetie, but you did,” Heidi said, voice trembling. “And that scared me.”

“I-“ Evan paused, swallowed. “I meant that. I did. But I- I still don’t want to- I don’t want to kill myself now, I swear.”

“I believe you,” Heidi said softly, brushing away tears. She glanced at Dr. Sherman.

Dr. Sherman nodded at Heidi, then wrote some more things down.

“Okay, Evan,” he said after awhile, glancing up. “Based on what you’ve said - if you’re being honest with us - I don’t think we need to admit you to the hospital for a psychiatric hold or in-patient treatment.”

Evan sagged against Heidi, feeling relieved. When she wrapped her arm around him, he let her.

“Here’s what I _do_ recommend, though. I want to see you three times a week for the next three months. After that, we’ll re-evaluate how you’re feeling and I’ll consider going down to twice a week. I also want you to go to group therapy once a week.”

“G-group therapy? Why?” Evan snapped. “I don’t- Can’t I just do our sessions? Why do need group, too?”

Dr. Sherman stared at him for a long time. Evan hated when he did that; he felt like Dr. Sherman could see right through him when he did that.

“Because,” Dr. Sherman finally said. “I think it will be beneficial for you. We’re also changing your medication. You can stay on your current anti-anxiety medicine, but I’m adding an anti-depressant.”

Evan made a face but didn’t argue.

“I also want you to create a safety plan, just in case. My secretary will have information on how to create one, along with a prescription for your new medicine, when you go to make your next appointment. Now, Ms. Hansen, would you please step outside while I have a few more words with Evan?”

Heidi looked like she wanted to argue, but instead she stood, giving Evan a quick kiss on the top of the head, before heading out to the waiting area.

Evan shifted uncomfortably, glancing at Dr. Sherman suspiciously.

“So, Evan, I just wanted to check in with you before you go, see if there’s anything you want to say without your mom present.”

Evan opened and closed his mouth a few times before shaking his head.

“Are you sure? I promise, whatever you say won’t change my decision. I’m not trying to trap you or trick you. I just know, sometimes, it’s easier to be honest when your mom isn’t in the room.”

Evan frowned, staring at Dr. Sherman with narrowed eyes.

“I promise, Evan,” Dr. Sherman repeated. “Whatever you say won’t change my decision. I won’t suddenly decide to send you to in-patient unless you tell me you’re actively suicidal.”

“What if-“ His voice cracked. He stopped, cleared his throat. “Is it... _hypothetically_... what if someone... um. Had thoughts of suicide but-but didn’t actually want to die? Just... kept thinking- about it and being dead, and, um- and was still convinced everyone around them would- that they’d be better off without them?” He paused. “But, like, they really didn’t want to die anymore... _really_. They just- just kept thinking about it.”

Dr. Sherman stared at him again, that unnerving stare. “Well, _hypothetically_ , that would be called passive suicidal ideation. Thinking about it, but not actually wanting to do it, or not having a plan for doing it. But it’s something that needs to be taken seriously, since the line between passive suicidal ideation and actually being actively suicidal is very thin.”

Evan ducked his head, chin trembling. Fuck. He shouldn’t have said anything. Despite Dr. Sherman’s promise, he was going to send Evan away. Evan just knew it.

“Evan.”

Evan looked up nervously.

“You need to be honest with me. Are you actively thinking about killing yourself? Do you have a plan to do so?”

“ _No_ ,” Evan said quickly. “I swear.”

“Would you be honest with me - or your mom or friends - if that changed? Would you tell them if you suddenly felt like you were going to try to kill yourself again? Even if it meant hospitalization?”

Evan hesitated. He really really _really_ didn’t want to be hospitalized.. But he had people in his life who cared about him, who would be devastated if he- He glanced up at Dr. Sherman, nodding.

Dr. Sherman frowned at him, staring at him for a long time again. Finally, he spoke.

“I want you to work on your safety plan, and I want you to be ready to discuss it in our next session. Okay?”

Evan nodded.

“I also want you to take my card. I’m going to write my cell phone on the back. I want you to put my cell phone number into your contacts, and keep my card in your wallet. I don’t do this with many patients - usually I tell them to call 9-1-1 if they feel they’re in immediate danger of hurting themselves. But I’m going to put myself on-call 24/7 for you. I know your mom is a single mom, and she works a lot. If you’re ever in a situation where you’re alone and can’t reach out to those on your safety plan, I want you to reach out to me. Promise?”

Evan hesitated before taking the card, nodding. “I- yeah. Thank you.”

Dr. Sherman nodded. “As I’m sure you know, you don’t have to tell your mom anything we’ve said since she left the room. But I highly encourage you to. She deserves to know, so she can be prepared to help you.”

Evan really had no intention of telling his mom about his suicidal thoughts, but he nodded.

“Alright, I’ll see you next time, Evan.”

Evan made his way, on very shaky legs, to the waiting area. Heidi had already finished handling everything, so she led him out to the car.

They didn’t speak for most of the trip home, but Evan could hear Heidi sniffling, like she was trying to cry quietly. He couldn’t bring himself to look up or ask.

“Connor wants you to let him know if you want him to come over, or if you would like to go there. I can drop you off if you want to go there.”

Evan finally looked up, startled. His heart sank when he saw tear tracks on his mom’s face; he’d been right, she was crying.

“How do you know that?” Evan asked, eyes wide with shock.

“He gave me his number last night, after we- well, after we ambushed you,” she said dryly. “He wanted to hear from me that you’d actually gone to your appointment and told the truth.”

Evan flushed with embarrassment and anger. “He didn’t trust me to tell him?”

“Well, honey, you did lie to him,” Heidi reminded him.

Evan stared at his lap with shame.

“I don’t mind if you want to go there, get away from me for a bit,” Heidi said lightly, though Evan could hear the strain in her voice. “I know this wasn’t easy.”

“I-“ Evan paused. “Yeah. Can- yeah.”

Heidi nodded, stopping at a stop sign, then turning left, towards the Murphy house, instead of right, which would take them home.

“Mom?”

“Yes, sweetie?”

Evan bit his lip. “When you spoke to Mrs. Murphy, did you- did she say anything about- about maybe hearing Connor confess he’d, um, had a crush on me? For awhile?”

Heidi glanced at him with a furrowed brow, then back at the road. “No. Is that something Connor said when you two had that conversation?”

“Yeah,” Evan admitted. “But she hasn’t brought that up to Connor at all. And- well, you know how he is- he thinks she hasn’t brought it up because she’s- um. Disgusted? And she wants to pretend she didn’t hear it.”

Heidi sighed. “I very much doubt that. Maybe she’s just giving him the chance to tell her when he’s ready.”

“That’s what I said,” Evan shrugged. “I- well, I told him he should just talk to her about it. Because he’s really stressed out about whether or not she heard.”

“That’s great advice, Evan, I’m proud of you for telling him to do that.” Heidi frowned. “I’m sure he said no, though, right?” Evan nodded, and Heidi sighed again. “He has to do it in his own time, though. When he’s ready.”

Evan nodded. “I know. I just...” he shrugged helplessly.

“I still feel bad about the way I handled it with you,” Heidi admitted. “I should have pretended like I hadn’t heard Jared.”

“No,” Evan said quickly. “Seriously, it- it took the pressure off and made it easier. I wish Connor could have something like that happen, too.”

Heidi rubbed his arm comfortingly. He shifted uncomfortably, then texted Connor to let him know they were almost to his house. He got a black heart emoji in response.

They pulled into the Murphy driveway a few minutes later.

“Let me know if you’re staying the night, okay? I took all of today and tomorrow off, so I’m here, okay? I’m here when you’re ready to talk about this.”

Evan nodded. He was out of the car and ready to slam the door when he paused and glanced up at her. “I love you.”

She smiled softly. “I love you, too, bud.”

She didn’t pull away until Connor opened the front door. And as soon as she did, Evan threw himself into Connor’s arms.

“Hey,” Connor sighed, wrapping Evan in a tight embrace, pressing his lips to his head.

Evan buried his face in Connor’s hoodie, breathing in his familiar, comforting scent. He didn’t want to let go, but any second now, Connor’s parents could walk up behind them, so he reluctantly pulled away.

Just in time, too, because Cynthia poked her head out of the living room at that point.

“Oh! Evan! We’re seeing a lot of you these days, huh?”

“I- I can go-“

“Don’t be silly! I meant that in a good way,” Cynthia waved him off, offering him a warm smile. “It’s- it’s nice, seeing Connor happy, and you clearly make him happy.”

Connor blushed, ducking his head. “Mom,” he huffed.

“I’m allowed to be happy for you, Connor,” she said firmly. “Dinner will be ready in an hour, okay?”

They nodded, then escaped to the basement.

“Do you want to talk about your appointment?” Connor asked as soon as they had settled onto the couch.

“Not really, but-“ Evan shrugged. “Dr. Sherman is making me create a safety plan, and if you’re- if you don’t mind, I wanted to put you as one of my emergency contacts if I’m- if I’m not doing okay. So, I mean, if I’m going to do that, I feel like you deserve to know what happened at the appointment.”

Connor took Evan’s hand in his. “I absolutely want to be on your safety plan. But you still don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. Obviously Dr. Sherman didn’t feel you needed to be hospitalized, though, or you’d be there now.”

Evan leaned forward and kissed him. “Thank you. For... everything. For sticking by me, even after I lied to you. I- I’m so sorry about that.”

“You were scared,” Connor shrugged. “I get it, believe me.”

Evan nodded, feeling suddenly, overwhelmingly tired. “Can we nap? And then talk about this? I’m just.. so tired.”

“Of course,” Connor said, sprawling out on the couch. Evan tucked himself along the back of the couch, partially on top of Connor. He closed his eyes when Connor wrapped an arm around him, rubbing soothing circles into his back.

“You’re the best,” Evan sighed, eyes fluttering closed.

“That’s because you bring out the best in me,” Connor assured him. Instead of answering, Evan let out a small snore. Connor chuckled, kissing the top of his head.

It wasn’t long before Connor fell asleep, too.


	45. The What-If's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy this mostly fluffy, fun chapter while you can. More angst to come, so... :D

Connor jolted awake, confused and disoriented, until he looked up, making eye contact with Zoe.

“What happened?” He asked tiredly, glancing at Evan, still asleep and lying half on top of him.

“What happened is, I’ve clearly missed a _lot_ the last few days,” Zoe said, quirking a brow.

Connor rested a hand on Evan’s back, rubbing his gritty eyes with the other. “Yeah.”

“Yeah, that’s all you’re gonna say? I overheard mom and dad say something about you and therapy?”

“Not now, Zo, please?” Connor begged, glancing at her. “Later, I promise. It’s- it’s been a long few days.”

Zoe frowned, but nodded. She glanced at Evan, a soft smile on her face. “He really loves you.”

Connor smiled, planting a kiss on Evan’s forehead. “I love him.”

Zoe grinned. “I never thought-“

“Connor? Zoe? Evan? Dinner’s almost ready.”

Connor looked at Zoe with alarm, Cynthia’s voice getting louder as she descended the steps to the basement.

Zoe jumped to action, running as fast as she could to intercept their mom before she could round the corner.

“Coming, mom! Oh, I forgot to show you the cute dress I got while I was out with Alana!”

Connor sagged in relief when the basement door clicked firmly shut again, then rubbed Evan’s back, kissing his forehead.

“Hey,” he said softly. “Ev? Time to wake up, okay?”

Evan whined, burying his face in Connor’s hoodie. Connor couldn’t help but grin at how damn cute it was.

“Ev,” Connor said again, shaking him a little.

Evan huffed, finally opening his eyes and glaring at him. “No. You comfy. And warm.”

Connor planted another kiss on his forehead. “Time for dinner, then we’ll cuddle more, okay?”

Evan sighed, but carefully climbed off Connor, letting his fingers trail along the strip of skin poking out from where Connor’s shirt had ridden up while they’d slept. Connor shivered, taking the hand Evan offered to help him stand.

They kissed again, and Connor pulled Evan into a hug before they made their way upstairs.

Cynthia, Larry and Zoe were already seated. Once Connor and Evan joined them, they dug right into food and light conversation. Cynthia asked Zoe if she and Alana had fun the last few days.

Zoe blushed, nodding. “Yeah, we did. Just lots of shopping and movies and all that. She’s leaving in a few days for her big family summer vacation, so I won’t see her for a week. So.”

“I’m glad you girls had fun!” Cynthia beamed. She glanced at Evan and Connor, her grin widening. “I’m so happy for all of you. It seems like it’s been a pretty great summer so far.”

The rest of dinner was uneventful, with the most shocking thing being that Larry sat through the whole thing without work calling him and stealing him away. Connor couldn’t remember the last time that had happened.

After dinner, Larry even sheepishly offered to help Cynthia clean up. She looked surprised, but smiled gratefully.

Connor and Zoe exchanged a baffled look, then they and Evan escaped back down to the basement.

“Okay, now you _have_ to tell me what’s been going on. Because.. what _was_ that?” Zoe asked, eyes wide with shock.

Connor shrugged. “I have no idea. That was.. so weird.”

“What am I missing?” Evan asked, sounding a little cranky. 

“Dad hasn’t offered to help with dinner clean up in, like, years,” Zoe told him, before turning to look at Connor. “Wonder if it has something to do with how mom convinced him to let you do therapy and meds...”

Connor shrugged, glancing anxiously at Evan, then back at his sister. Evan shifted uncomfortably, staring at his feet.

“Okay, now what am I missing?” Zoe asked, frowning at them.

“Mom... overheard a conversation she wasn’t supposed to hear. And it.. She felt like she needed to talk to me about it.. So. So it...,” Connor shrugged helplessly.

Zoe frowned at him, then Evan. “Wait... she didn’t... About-?” Zoe’s eyes widened. “She knows about you two?”

“I don’t know,” Connor said tightly, not wanting to think about that. “It was- I don’t know if she heard that. But it was about... it was something else.”

“Then what-“

“It was me,” Evan blurted. “It was my- it was something I said.”

“What could you have possibly said..?” Zoe questioned. “I mean, my parents have fought about Connor and therapy for _years_. I don’t understand-“

Evan cleared his throat. “I, um. She heard me- I said-“

“Ev, you don’t have to,” Connor said quickly, glancing at Zoe. “Can you not?”

“What did I do?” Zoe asked, looking hurt.

“She heard me talk about my suicide attempt,” Evan said quickly.

Zoe’s mouth dropped open, but no words came out. She glanced from Evan to Connor.

Evan was shaking, but doing his best not to hyperventilate. He relaxed a little when Connor wrapped him in his arms.

“I- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to- you didn’t have to tell me,” Zoe apologized.

Evan shrugged, closing his eyes briefly when Connor planted a kiss on his head. He sighed, glancing at Zoe again. “It’s- I’m fine. I have to get used to saying it, I guess, since my therapist is making me go to group therapy. So.”

“I’m sorry she overheard that, but- thank you. If it means Connor can finally- You’ve wanted this for years, Con.”

Connor nodded. “I wish it hadn’t happened the way it did, but...”

“But maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe it was meant to happen this way.” Zoe frowned. “What did you mean, you weren’t sure if mom knew about you guys, though? What..?”

Connor sighed. “She- uh, she might have overheard me telling Evan I’ve had a crush on him for years. But.. she hasn’t said anything about hearing it. So. She probably hates me now and wants to pretend she didn’t hear it,” he shrugged.

“Connor,” Zoe scolded, shaking her head. “I doubt she _hates_ you. You should just- maybe you should just talk to her about it.”

“No,” Connor said firmly. “Either she heard it and she wants to pretend she didn’t because she hates me, or maybe by some miracle, she didn’t hear it. In which case, I don’t want to bring it up.”

Zoe frowned. “You’re stubborn.”

“Okay, so you’re gonna tell her about you, then, right?” Connor snapped.

Zoe took a step back, eyes wide.

“Connor,” Evan chastised, squeezing his hand to calm him down.

Connor deflated. “I’m sorry. I just... I can’t. Can we drop it?”

Zoe nodded solemnly, suggesting they turn on a movie and just relax.

Halfway through the movie, Evan fell asleep against Connor, snoring lightly. Zoe shifted so she could face them, looking sad.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know- I shouldn’t have pushed earlier.”

“I know,” Connor sighed, running his hand gently along Evan’s arm. “But he’s right - probably good for him to get used to talking about it.”

“When did he-“ Zoe paused, shaking her head. “Sorry, not my business.”

Connor frowned, running his fingers along Evan’s cast, then glancing meaningfully at Zoe.

“His... he jumped?” Zoe gasped, tears filling her eyes. “Oh, Evan..”

“I dropped him off at work that day,” Connor said softly, pausing to make sure Evan was still snoring. “I knew he was acting weird and I didn’t try to stop him, or question it. If I had-“

“You can’t- you can’t blame yourself, Connor,” Zoe said firmly.

“I just... I don’t know,” Connor sighed.

“You can’t,” Zoe said again. “It happened, but he’s still alive. He’s here. And you’re together and happy. That’s all that matters. Don’t think about the what-if’s.”

Connor couldn’t help but let out a soft laugh. “When did you get so wise?”

Zoe smiled, shrugging. “I just- you’ll drive yourself crazy for no reason.”

“I already _am_ crazy,” Connor reminded her. “The resident freak, remember?”

“You know you’re neither of those things,” Zoe frowned. “And senior year will be different, I just know it. You and Evan have each other, and Jared Kleinman seems like he’s trying to be a better friend to Evan. Maybe you guys can be friends, too.”

Connor snickered. “Friends with Jared Kleinman, who could have predicted that?”

Zoe rolled her eyes. Then she frowned. “I still think - and please hear me out, okay? - but I still think you should tell mom about-“ She gestured at him and Evan. Connor opened his mouth to argue, but Zoe hurried to finish before he could say anything. “I just think.. I know you’re imaging the worst. But maybe it’s not what you think. Maybe she did hear you, but she’s pretending she didn’t so you can go to her when you’re ready.”

“That’s what I said.”

Connor and Zoe startled, glancing at Evan.

“Have you been awake this whole time?” Connor asked.

“Oh.. uh...” Evan cleared his throat, then let out a small, fake snore.

“You little shit,” Connor said, but he was snickering. He smacked Evan’s arm playfully.

Evan grinned, sitting up.

“I-“ Zoe blushed, looking away from them. She tried to remember everything she and Connor had said, everything Evan might have heard. Her mind briefly flashed to that day in the car, and how everything had gone wrong. How she had almost ruined everything. Had she said anything stupid this time? Anything that Evan could possibly take the wrong way?

Evan seemed to realize her mind was whirring a mile a minute. He reached out without thinking and squeezed her hand to get her attention.

“It’s fine, Zoe,” he assured her. “Everything you guys said was fine. I’m not mad or upset. I’m not gonna, like, have a panic attack, surprisingly. Now that everyone knows – or, the people who matter most to me know - I guess it’s just... I mean, I guess it’s still a big deal that I- that I tried to.. But you all know and none of you hate me and-and- I guess it just. It’s like I can breathe now, you know?” 

Zoe nodded, tears in her eyes. “You- I’m included in the people who matter to you?”

“Oh,” Evan blushed, shrugging. “I mean, yeah? I, um.. I know we got off to a bad start. But that was- that was mostly my fault. I was just in a bad, um, head space? I was...” He frowned, licked his lips. “I was already thinking about- about, you know..”

Connor laced their fingers and squeezed. He wanted to tell Evan that he didn’t have to finish that sentence, that they understood what he was trying to say. But he knew Evan needed to say it, so he pressed his lips together.

“I was already thinking,” Evan said, closing his eyes, “of k-killing myself... So.” He swallowed, glancing anxiously from Zoe to Connor and back. “So.. Yeah, I have no idea how I’m going to say that in group therapy,” he admitted, slumping against Connor.

Connor wrapped him in a side hug. “You won’t have to right away. They usually let newbies get acclimated before they force you to talk.”

Evan nodded, sighing. “I guess that helps. But I- I don’t want to do group. I just.. It was hard enough telling people I know. How am I supposed to tell people I don’t know? I don’t like speaking in front of groups. I just..” He felt his chin trembling. 

“I don’t think Dr. Sherman would force you to try group if he didn’t think it would be beneficial,” Connor said gently. “And I don’t think he’d force you to _keep_ doing group if you tried it and _really_ hated it. Give it a few weeks and see how you feel, yeah? And who knows, maybe it’ll surprise you and you’ll really enjoy it.”

Evan snorted. “I don’t think so, but- but I’ll give it a try. I can’t make any promises, though.”

“You know,” Zoe said suddenly, “sometimes it’s _easier_ to talk to strangers than people you know. Because you don’t have to see those people outside group, so there’s no judgment. And if they _do_ judge you, well, who cares? Because again, you don’t have to see them ever again.”

Evan nodded. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense. It just.. Still sucks.”

Connor kissed Evan’s cheek. “This conversation calls for more junk food. I'll be right back.”

Evan watched him go, then turned back to Zoe. There was a time when he would have been terrified to be left alone with her. Now he felt.. Fine. Comfortable. Safe, even.

Zoe picked herself up from the floor and stole Connor’s spot on the couch beside Evan.

“So. I don’t think I’ve said this yet, and I should have said it sooner. But I’m really glad Connor has you. He needs someone on his side. And you being in his life has made... _such_ a difference. He’s happier and-“ She blinked back tears. “And I missed him so much. It’s- having him back? It’s just.. I never thought I’d get my brother back. So. Thank you.”

Evan stared at her, eyes wide. “I love him,” he said simply, shrugging. “I’ve just... been there for him. He’s done all the rest.”

“But you helped. Knowing he had someone who believed in him, someone who encouraged him to try? You helped.”

Evan smiled softly. “Thanks.”

Zoe nodded. “Uh.. Would it be weird if I hugged you right now?”

Evan shook his head, pulling Zoe into a hug. When they broke apart, Evan could see Zoe had tears in her eyes.

“Alright, what did you guys talk about while I was gone?” Connor asked, settling back on the couch beside Evan.

“You and what a pain in the ass you are,” Zoe teased.

Connor flipped her the bird, but he was grinning as he pulled Evan into his side.

“Wanna watch another movie?”

“Yeah,” Zoe said happily. “You pick.”

Connor grinned wickedly as he scrolled through Netflix. “You just gave me _way_ too much power.”

“Nothing dumb,” Zoe said, rolling her eyes. But she was smiling.

“And nothing with zombies,” Evan begged. He didn’t mind horror movies, but he hated zombies..

“Fine, take all the fun out of this,” Connor huffed. He ended up picking a Disney movie, which seemed to make both Evan and Zoe very happy.

As they settled in to watch, Connor couldn’t help the feeling of contentment bubbling up inside him.


	46. Side Effects

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiii. Things are.. Gonna start happening.. Enjoy! :D
> 
> PS: Sorry if this isn't my best editing job.. Dealing with a bad headache but really wanted to get this one out for you all. Hope you enjoy!! <3
> 
> TW for mentions of vomiting. Nothing graphic - no worse than the Drunk Evan chapters. Also for a lot of suicide attempt talk.

July melted into August. Evan started his new therapy schedule with Dr. Sherman, plus group therapy - which he hated more than anything - and his new meds. Connor had also started therapy and medicine.

Evan was used to trying new meds. He’d been on several different anti-anxiety medicines over the years, and had even been on and off a few antidepressants before. So this new one didn’t bother him much. He was a little bit sleepy and nauseous, and he lost his appetite for about a week. After that, he was mostly fine.

Connor, on the other hand, had only been on medicine once, after his first suicide attempt when he’d been hospitalized. He didn’t remember much about it.

He was starting to wonder if he’d purposely blacked it out.

Evan held his hair back as he threw up into the toilet, losing the toast and butter he’d tried to eat for dinner.

Connor groaned, curling into a ball on the floor and pressing his cheek against the cool tile. He could hear the toilet flushing, felt a cold washcloth against his face, then Evan’s hand rubbing circles into his back.

“You don’t have to do this,” Connor reminded him. “It’s disgusting.”

Evan scoffed. “You took care of me twice when I was drunk. You really think I’d leave you alone to deal with this?”

Connor sighed, forcing himself to sit up. His stomach was doing flip-flops. “Okay, but those were two separate occasions and only lasted a few hours each time. This has been, like, everyday this week. It’s so gross.”

“Still not leaving,” Evan shrugged, sitting with his back against the tub, legs crossed under him. “This won’t be forever, Connor. Your body will get used to the meds and you’ll feel better.” He held his hand out and Connor took it, gripping tight.

“I guess at least it’ll pass before school starts, right? I can only imagine the rumors people would start if crazy Connor Murphy started running out of class to puke,” Connor said softly, scowling at the floor.

“I’ll punch anyone who calls you that,” Evan huffed.

Connor choked back a laugh. “I’d love to see you punch someone, Ev. You’d probably apologize for it and offer to bandage them up.”

Evan snickered. “Shut up.”

Connor opened his mouth to snap back a retort when he gagged and leaned over the toilet again, just in time.

Evan sat up on his knees, gathering Connor’s hair up and rubbing his back.

“Evan? Connor?”

Evan glanced up as his mom poked her head in the bathroom, looking concerned.

“New meds,” Evan explained.

Heidi frowned. “How long has this been going on?”

“Just a few days,” Evan said. “Maybe three?”

“Week two of the medicine?” Heidi guessed. When Evan nodded, she sighed. “It’ll pass. I know it’s an awful feeling, but it’ll pass. Have you told your parents about it?”

Connor pulled a face, and Evan was sure he was gonna puke again, but he just shook his head.

“No,” Connor said firmly. “I haven’t and I won’t. If they knew, they’d probably take me off them and refuse to try anything else.”

Heidi frowned again. “Why don’t you get cleaned up and I’ll make you some tea to settle your stomach?”

Connor tried not to groan out loud. He didn’t want to eat or drink _anything_. But he knew Heidi was trying to help, so he nodded. Heidi smiled softly at them, then made her way downstairs.

Evan helped him to his feet. He mumbled a thanks, then rinsed his mouth with water before brushing three times, trying to get the taste out of his mouth. He took Evan’s hand and they made their way downstairs.

Heidi had three mugs on the table, and was pouring hot water into them. She smiled at them as they entered the kitchen. They sat in silence for a few minutes, letting their tea steep, then made small talk while they drank. 

When their tea was almost gone, Heidi spoke again.

“Do you want me to talk to your mom? Explain the situation?”

Connor hesitated. After their run-in at the supermarket – and everything that happened after - his mom had reached out to offer Heidi moral support, and the two women had become fast friends. It didn’t bother Connor, necessarily; he knew Heidi worked a lot and didn’t have a lot of people she socialized with – especially other parents. It was probably nice having another mom to talk to. But it kind of felt like his two worlds were colliding, and it made him feel out of control.

On the other hand, it would be nice if Heidi could explain the situation to his mom in a way that would keep Cynthia from freaking out and pulling him off meds altogether. Maybe it was an irrational fear that she’d do that, but Connor couldn’t help but worry; this therapy and medicine thing was so new, and he felt hopeful for the first time in a long time that maybe he’d be okay. He didn’t want that taken away from him.

So, reluctantly, he nodded.

“Do you want to be a part of the conversation?” Heidi asked.

Connor felt his lip tremble. Things with his parents were getting better, but it all still felt precarious, like one wrong move would destroy all their progress, however small it was. They still tiptoed around him, still spoke to him like he was a frightened animal about to bolt or snap or bite. Maybe he deserved that.

But Heidi.. From the beginning, Heidi had treated him like ... like a _person_. Like an _adult_. Like he wasn’t going to go off the deep end at any moment. And he really appreciated that, more than he’d ever be able to put into words. The fact that she was giving him the choice to be a part of the conversation – a conversation that affected him greatly – meant a lot to him. 

“I don’t know,” he finally admitted. “Maybe?”

Heidi nodded. “I could invite your parents for breakfast tomorrow, and we could all talk.”

“Not my dad,” Connor said quickly. When Heidi frowned at him, he sighed, running a shaking hand through his hair. “I know- I know he’s trying, but my mom had to force him to let me start therapy. If he thinks the medicine isn’t working, _and_ it’s making me sick...”

Heidi nodded, reaching out and rubbing his arm. “I understand. I can just ask your mom to come over then, okay? We can explain it to her, and once she understands, she can explain it to your dad.”

Connor slumped in his seat, nodding. “Thanks. I- thanks.” He bit his lip, trying not to let the tears fall. He felt Evan’s arm go around his shoulder and he leaned into it, turning to press his face into Evan’s side.

“Thanks for the tea,” Connor said, after they’d sat in silence for a few more minutes. “I think it helped.”

Heidi smiled. “I’m glad. I’ll clean this up. Why don’t you boys go take it easy?”

Connor nodded gratefully, mumbling a thanks before following Evan back upstairs.

“Do you want to take a bath?” Evan blurted as they passed the bathroom.

Connor gave him a confused look. “A bath?”

Evan blushed. “Yeah, um. Sometimes a bath is, I dunno, relaxing? When you don’t feel well.”

“I haven’t taken a bath in... a really long time,” Connor admitted. He frowned, contemplating it, then shrugged. “Yeah, sure. I’ll try anything.”

Evan nodded, leading the way into the bathroom. He pulled out the peppermint-scented bubble bath his mom used when she had migraines, and helped Connor get the water on and hot. He poured in a generous amount of bubble bath, then stepped back.

“There ya go,” he said quickly, blushing as he gestured vaguely at the tub. “I’ll, uh- just let me know if you need, um, anything.”

He turned to leave, but Connor caught his arm.

“I- Um.” Connor blushed, staring at the spot where his hand held Evan’s arm. “Can you.. can you stay? I- I don’t-“ He swallowed back his embarrassment. “I don’t want to be alone right now.”

Evan blushed but nodded. “Yeah- I- Yeah, of course.”

Connor licked his lips, watching as Evan closed the bathroom door, then sat on the closed toilet lid. He deliberately covered his eyes with his hands.

“Just let me know, uh- when to open.”

“You can look, I don’t care,” Connor blurted. His voice was too loud, and cracked a little bit in the middle. It must have startled Evan because he uncovered his eyes and looked up.

“I mean,” Connor stammered. “I mean, I’ve seen you twice so, y’know, it’s not- I mean, it’s only fair-“

“That was an acc- wait. Twice?” Evan frowned, his blush deepening.

Connor shrugged sheepishly. “Your first day at Ellison. We overslept and you were freaking out and ran upstairs. I couldn’t figure out way was wrong, so- so I came to check on you and-“ He couldn’t help but grin.

“Oh my god,” Evan groaned, dropping his head into his hands. But Connor could see his shoulders shaking with laughter. He glanced back up at Connor, shaking his head. “But, like- okay, those were _accidents_ , Con. I’m not, like, entitled to your body or whatever, just because you saw me. You don’t have to-“

“I know,” Connor said quickly. “I just- I really don’t want to be alone. And- and I- I trust you. So.”

Evan nodded, fingers playing nervously with the hem of his shirt. “O-okay. But I can- I mean, any time you want me to leave-“

Connor nodded. “I know.”

Connor took a breath, then quickly stripped down. He could feel Evan’s eyes on him, and surprisingly, he didn’t feel nervous or embarrassed. He felt.. safe.

He stepped carefully into the bath and sat, shivering when the warm water enveloped him. He let out a contented sigh, his eyes slipping closed as he breathed in the soothing scent of peppermint.

~*~*~

Connor fell asleep almost as soon as he was submerged in the hot water. Evan watched him carefully to make sure he didn’t slip down into the water, or startle awake and get hurt.

His cheeks were still flaming from seeing Connor naked. It was different than the times Connor had seen him; it was deliberate. Connor trusted him enough to show all of himself - literally and figuratively. He trusted Evan enough to be vulnerable in front of him.

It made Evan’s heart pound on his chest, made his palms sweat. He never thought anyone would like him like this, never thought anyone would be able to tolerate him enough to be with him. But Connor did. Connor loved him. Connor trusted him.

Evan leaned forward, brushing a lock of hair out of Connor’s face and tucking it behind his ear. He dipped a finger in the bath water to make sure it was still hot, then leaned back, drinking in the sight of his boyfriend.

~*~*~

“Hey, Con, wake up,” Evan said gently, resting a hand on his shoulder.

Connor stirred, blinking his gritty eyes.

“The water’s getting cold, you should probably get out before you go all pruney,” Evan said with a soft smile.

Connor sighed, nodding. He held a hand out to Evan, who helped him stand, but Connor slipped and fell into him.

“Shit, you okay?” Evan asked, wrapping his arms tightly around him.

“Dizzy,” Connor admitted, burying his face in Evan’s shoulder, eyes squeezed shut against the spinning room.

“Shit, you’re probably, like, dehydrated and- and you need to eat. You threw up everything you ate today.”

Connor nodded into Evan’s chest. “Probably.”

“Step out carefully, okay?” Evan reminded him, holding tight as Connor did as he was told. He didn’t want to let Connor go, so he walked them backwards until he could reach a towel. He pulled back just enough to wrap it around Connor’s waist.

“Got your shirt all wet,” Connor frowned, blinking slowly, like he was suddenly very tired. Which, Evan realized, he probably was; new meds will do that to you.

“Psh, just a shirt, not a big deal,” Evan said, waving him off. He took Connor’s hand. “Are you steady enough to walk to my room?”

Connor nodded, and Evan held his hand as they opened the door and stepped out into the hall-

-only to run into Heidi.

She quirked a brow at them, taking in Evan’s wet shirt and Connor’s state of undress.

“Everything okay?” She asked cautiously.

“Connor took a bath,” Evan blurted. He blushed furiously. “He’s, uh.. dizzy? From not eating. I was gonna help him get-“ He paused, because admitting he was going to help Connor get dressed meant he was going to see Connor naked – again. Since it was obvious to Heidi that he’d already seen Connor naked once. And he did _not_ need his mom thinking about what that all implied. So, he rephrased. “-get him to my room, then make him something to eat.”

“Uh-huh,” Heidi nodded. “Well. Get Connor.. settled... and then come on down to the kitchen.”

Evan blinked a few times, trying to shake off the embarrassment, then walked Connor to his room. He helped him dress in flannel pajama pants and at shirt, then tucked him into bed before, reluctantly, making his way downstairs.

Heidi was making scrambled eggs and toast. She glanced up at him when he entered the room, but didn’t speak.

“So,” Heidi said, as she plated the eggs. “Do we need to have a conversation?”

“What?” Evan stammered, eyes widening. “N-no?”

Heidi glanced at him, quirking a brow again. “You sure?”

“Positive,” he said firmly, and he knew he was blushing again.

Heidi nodded slowly. “Mhm..” She handed him a plate and two bottled waters. “Let me know if that changes.”

He stammered out a mumbled reply, then hurried upstairs. Connor was sitting up in bed, but he looked ready to fall asleep. Evan hurried over, sitting beside him and holding the plate of food. His mom had included two pieces of buttered toast and two forks so they could share.

“I’m really not hungry,” Connor mumbled, taking the fork Evan handed him. “I don’t- I’ll just throw it up again.”

“Maybe you won’t,” Evan said. He was relieved, at least, that Connor sounded more alert than he had a few minutes ago. Maybe the wake bath had just relaxed him and he’d been groggy. “And you need to eat before you pass out.”

Connor sighed, but took a few tentative bites of egg. He sipped his water, then put his fork down.

“Just a little bit of toast?” Evan prodded.

Connor sighed again, sounding frustrated, but he relented and ate some toast, then took a few more sips of water.

Evan wanted to get him to eat more, but he knew better than to push. He ate what he could, then promised Connor he’d be right back. He took the plate back downstairs, grateful that Heidi had gone to bed. He dumped the food into the trash, dropped the plate into the sink, then hurried back to his room.

He quickly changed out of his wet clothes into pajamas, then crawled into bed. Connor immediately curled into his side and closed his eyes.

Evan tried not to think about the embarrassing encounter with his mom. Instead, he focused on Connor. He rubbed Connor’s back and kissed his head until his eyes grew heavy with sleep, drifting off before he could even process how tired he actually was.

~*~*~

Connor woke up first the next morning, feeling groggy, but warm and safe in Evan’s arms.

He also realized, much to his surprise, that he hadn’t thrown up last night’s eggs and toast.

Maybe he was feeling better. Maybe he didn’t need to have Heidi talk to his mom about this. Why make nothing into something, right?

But then the doorbell was ringing, and Heidi was cheerfully greeting Cynthia.

“Evan! Connor! Breakfast will be ready soon! Cynthia’s here!” Heidi called up the stairs.

Evan stirred, wrapping his arms tighter around Connor.

“Why does this feel like a bad idea?” Connor mumbled.

Evan gave him a reassuring kiss. “It’ll be fine. My mom will make it fine.”

Connor nodded. He stood carefully. The room spun, and Evan had to reach out and grab him to steady him.

“I feel helpless,” he grumbled angrily. Evan kept an arm around him all the way down the stairs.

“You’re not,” Evan said firmly, giving him a quick kiss. “Are you okay to walk without he-“

“Yes,” Connor snapped. “I’m fine to walk.”

Evan pressed his lips together, letting his arm drop from around Connor’s waist.

“Sorry,” Connor mumbled, shame bubbling in his stomach.

“It’s fine,” Evan assured him, kissing his cheek. “C’mon, let’s go.”

Evan let Connor go first, staying close in case he stumbled. But they made it to the kitchen without incident.

“Morning, boys!” Cynthia greeted, a giant smile on her face as she helped Heidi prepare pancakes.

Evan mumbled a hello, shifting from foot to foot. He still wasn’t sure how he felt about his mom and his boyfriend’s mom being friends - especially since Cynthia didn’t _know_ about the boyfriends part. For a second, a flash of anger went through him at that thought.

And then, as quickly as it had come, it was gone, and he felt ashamed. Connor wasn’t ready to come out to his parents, and he had to respect that. It just hurt that they had to hide their relationship whenever they were around Connor’s parents.

“You boys sit,” Heidi insisted, taking in how unsteady Connor looked. “We’ve got this.”

Connor was grateful. He sat, sipping the glass of water in front of him. Evan placed a hand on his knee under the table.

Cynthia helped Heidi bring the food over. Heidi went back for coffee for her and Cynthia. As they settled in and plated their food, Cynthia glanced around at everyone, a suspicious glint in her eyes, like she knew this wasn’t a social call.

Connor took one pancake and the smallest amount of syrup he could get away with, taking small, tentative bites. He hadn’t thrown up the eggs last night, so he hoped he would be able to keep the pancakes down, too.

“So, I hear Connor’s started therapy and medicine,” Heidi said after awhile, trying to keep her voice light.

“Oh,” Cynthia said, nodding. She looked uncomfortable discussing this over breakfast, but she forced a smile, glancing at her son. “He did.”

Connor tried to smile back, but his stomach was doing flip-flops - from nerves or nausea, he wasn’t sure.

“I’m really happy for you, Connor,” Heidi remarked, smiling brightly. “This’ll be good for you.”

Connor nodded, grabbing Evan’s hand - the one still on his knee - and squeezing. “Yeah, I’m- yeah.”

“And, Evan? How are you doing, sweetie?” Cynthia asked, clearly wanting to be supportive.

“Oh, I’m- Yeah, I’m okay. My new medicine made me kind of sick, but it passed pretty quickly,” he said, giving his mom and Connor a meaningful look.

Cynthia frowned. “It made you sick?”

Evan nodded. “Just nauseous,” he said dismissively. “I lost my appetite for a few days, and then- I mean, I’m fine now. This one medicine I was on a few years ago was worse. The side effects. Until, I mean- it just took getting used to it. It happens with a lot of antidepressants. But your body gets used to it.”

Cynthia frowned, her gaze sliding to Connor, who was struggling to take another bite of food. “Oh.”

Connor glanced uncertainly at her, putting his fork down. He took a deep breath, opened his mouth, paused. He stared down at his plate, pressing his lips together. He didn’t want to be sick. He felt like he was going to be sick. He swallowed a few times, trying to tamp down the feeling.

“Oh, Connor,” Cynthia sighed, as the truth dawned on her.

Connor glanced up at her, then slapped a hand over his mouth and bolted for the stairs.

“Shit,” Evan grumbled, running after him.

Cynthia glanced at Heidi, eyes wide with worry.

“It’s just a side effect of the medicine,” Heidi assured her. “It should pass in another few days. But if it doesn’t, you can speak to his doctor about changing the dose or the medicine itself. But you’ve got to give it time to work itself out; changing his medicine prematurely could make him slide backward.”

Cynthia frowned, nodding. “Was he-“ She bit her lip, considering her words. “Is this why you invited me over? To tell me about this? Connor- he wasn’t going to tell me?”

“He was scared,” Heidi admitted. “He.. He thought you and Larry would take him off medicine entirely if you knew it was making him sick. He knows you had to convince Larry to let him go on medicine in the first place..”

Cynthia’s lip trembled. “Oh, poor Connor. I don’t- I don’t know what to do to convince him I’m on his side. He still won’t fully trust me.”

Heidi placed a hand on Cynthia’s. “He will. Just keep showing him that you’re there for him, and he’ll believe it.”

“I should go check on him,” Cynthia said softly, standing.

Heidi jumped to her feet, but Cynthia was already standing and making her way upstairs.

“Shit,” Heidi grumbled, chasing after her.

“Connor? Sweetie?” Cynthia called, as she reached the upstairs landing. She heard noises coming from the door on the right. When she poked her head in, it was to find Evan holding Connor’s hair back while he threw up into the toilet.

“Oh, Connor,” Cynthia frowned, blinking back tears as she stepped up beside her son, rubbing his back.

Evan startled, glancing up at her, then at Heidi in the doorway. His eyes were wide with shock.

When Connor was done, he fell back into his mom’s arms, sniffling. She stroked his hair and held him, comforting him.

Evan tried to step back, to give them space, but Connor grabbed his hand and refused to let go. Evan blinked in surprise, eyes darting nervously between Connor and Cynthia. Thankfully, Cynthia didn’t seem to notice. And after a minute, Connor let his hand go.


	47. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ;)

It took a few more days, but eventually Connor’s body started to slowly get used to the medicine. He was keeping food down, though he still felt a little bit nauseous and very, very tired. He slept for the better part of the week, usually with Evan by his side.

By the beginning of the third week, he finally felt like himself again. And he was tired of being cooped up in his and Evan’s houses. He wanted to _go_ somewhere.

“Where?” Evan asked, sounding a little startled, when Connor brought it up.

Connor shrugged, then realized Evan had his head in Connor’s lap and couldn’t see him shrug. He kept running his fingers through Evan’s hair.

“I dunno... What about that bookstore I took you to a few months ago? Remember? The hotel? The single bed?” He grinned at the memory.

“Oh my god,” Evan groaned, sitting up. “That was so- I mean, don’t get me wrong. The bookstore itself? Spending time with you? That was.. Amazing. But I was _so_ terrified I was gonna fuck everything up, especially when I woke up and was practically _spooning_ you.”

Connor grinned at Evan’s blush. He reached for his hand and laced their fingers. “I know. I almost told you how I felt that morning.”

Evan frowned, looking a little annoyed. “Why didn’t you?”

“The second I tried, you ran and hid in the bathroom,” Connor said dryly. “Plus, like, I was terrified you didn’t feel the same way and would hate me.”

Evan winced, feeling guilty. “I almost told you, too. How I felt, I mean. On the car ride home.”

Connor nodded, chewing the inside of his cheek nervously. “Why didn’t you?” He asked, parroting Evan’s question back at him.

“Um,” Evan blushed, staring at Connor’s bed, picking a lose string on the comforter. “When you handed me your phone to turn some music on? I-“ He swallowed, licked his lips. “I didn’t mean to snoop, I swear. But.. I saw Miguel’s text to you.”

“Oh,” Connor said, frowning.

“Yeah, and- and I didn’t know who he was to you and the text was kind of suggestive and I- I also just, like you said- I was nervous you didn’t feel the same way and I’d ruin our friendship.”

“Well,” Connor shrugged. “We’re past having to worry about that. So let’s not think about it.”

He fell silent, a frown still on his face.

“What is it?” Evan asked after awhile, his grip on Connor’s hand tightening for a second.

“It’s stupid,” Connor said softly, hesitantly, shifting so his hair fell into his face, hiding it.

Evan brushed Connor’s hair back. Tucked it behind his ear. “I’m listening.”

“I-“ Connor paused, licking his lips. “I really want you and Miguel to be friends.”

Evan was quiet for so long, Connor finally glanced up at him. He couldn’t quite read the expression on Evan’s face.

“Obviously you don’t have to,” Connor said quickly. “It’s probably weird to ask you to be friends with my ex. It’s just.. Miguel is really important to me. And so are you. And I just really... it would be cool if we could all hang out, y’know?”

Evan nodded. He wasn’t sure show he felt about being friends with Miguel. But- “You know Jared and Miguel are- something?”

Connor smiled ruefully. “I know. I already told Jared if he hurts M, I’ll kill him.”

Evan tried to laugh. “I’m sure Jared loved that.”

“Well, I also told him I’m happy for him.” Connor frowned. “I haven’t really had time to tell M I’m happy for him, though. It all went down right when everything- exploded?”

Evan nodded. “Yeah, I know..” He swallowed his nerves, glancing at Connor’s doorless doorway, then back at Connor. “I, um. Please don’t- don’t h-hate me, but- but Miguel and I... we talked. A little? At Jared’s house. And- and he told me....” He paused, staring at his and Connor’s entwined hands. He couldn’t look Connor in the face when he said this. “He told me you guys had, uh- had.. _you know_ ,” he blushed bright red, couldn’t make himself say it.

“Oh,” Connor said, frowning. “I, uh- Not sure I want to know how or why that came up. But, uh-“

“I’m not,” Evan started, paused. “I’m not r-ready to- to-“

“Hey,” Connor said firmly. He waited until Evan was looking up at him to speak again. “Don’t even think about that, okay? You’re ready when you’re ready. No rush. No pressure. Okay?”

Evan hesitated but nodded. His shoulders sagged, like he’d been carrying the weight of that conversation between him and Miguel for a long time. It made Connor’s heart ache.

“Seriously,” Connor said firmly. “I mean it, Evan. I love you, okay? When you think you’re ready, we’ll talk. But don’t- What M and I had was different. Was- He’s my friend and he’s so important to me. But he’s not _you_. And you matter more to me than anything in this world. Not gonna fuck this up by doing anything you aren’t ready for, okay?”

Evan nodded, shifting so he could curl up against Connor’s side, legs over his lap. He rested his head against Connor’s chest and Connor wrapped him in a hug, kissing the top of his head.

“I’d- It would be nice to be friends with Miguel,” Evan finally admitted. “He seems cool, and I know he’s important to you. Besides, if he and Jared are together, I’ll be seeing a lot of him, anyway.”

Connor smiled softly, planting another kiss on Evan’s head. “Cool.”

They were silent for a few minutes. Then Evan shifted off of Connor with a sigh. “We should be more careful,” he said reluctantly, nodding towards Connor’s doorway.

Connor frowned. “Yeah. I guess.” He cleared his throat. “Anyway, did you wanna go to the bookstore, then? It’s early and we could actually get there and have a few hours to look around and still be able to get home at a decent hour. I doubt either of our parents would appreciate if we stayed gone overnight again.”

“Yeah,” Evan agreed. “If they let us go at all,” he said, voice a little sad. “My mom hasn’t really let me go anywhere besides here and to Jared’s since- Well. Since she found out the truth.”

“Well, I’ll be with you,” Connor reminded him. “It’s not like you’ll be alone, so. Let’s go ask my mom if it’s okay and if she says it is, your mom probably will, too.” He paused, frowning. “Am I the only one a little weirded out that our moms hang out now?”

Evan huffed out a small laugh. “Glad it’s not just me. But it makes my mom happy, having another mom friend to talk to. She’s always kinda been friendly with Mrs. Kleinman, I guess, but they don’t really hang out the way she and your mom do.”

Connor nodded, standing and holding out a hand to help Evan to his feet. “Yeah. I guess it’s cool. Just weird.”

They made their way downstairs, where they found Cynthia and Larry both sitting in the living room reading. It seemed like they were spending more time together, like they were both making more of an effort in their marriage. It made Connor’s heart twist. He was happy for them, but he still felt like there was this giant distance between him and his dad, and he was always worried everything was going to come crashing down.

“Hi, boys,” Cynthia said, giving them a giant smile when she noticed them. Larry glanced up but didn’t say anything.

“Hi,” Connor said awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot. “Um. We were wondering if- Uh-“ He paused, suddenly feeling stupid, positive they were going to say no. He still wasn’t used to asking for things from them.

“Connor?” Cynthia asked gently, nodding at him to continue.

“There’s this- this bookstore? It’s, like, two hours from here and- and it’s pretty cool. Evan and I went there once, a few months ago, and it- since I’m finally- we’ve been cooped up for so long and summer’s almost over, and-“

“And you want to go,” Larry said.

Connor startled, looking at his dad with wide eyes. He nodded.

“Two hours is a long drive,” Cynthia pointed out worriedly. “And Evan has group tomorrow.”

It was Evan’s turn to startle. How did Cynthia know his therapy schedule?

“Is it okay with your mom?” Cynthia asked, glancing at Evan.

“I- I haven’t asked yet,” Evan admitted sheepishly. “We thought-“

“If I said yes, she would agree?” Cynthia asked, quirking a brow. She smiled softly at them. “If it’s okay with her, it’s okay with me. But you have to promise to stay in touch and not be gone too late.”

Evan and Connor nodded quickly, then stepped into the kitchen so Evan could text Heidi at work and ask for permission to go. It took a few minutes for her to reply, then some back and forth while she asked questions.

It felt like forever, but finally - finally - Heidi said it was okay with her as long as it was okay with Cynthia, and as long as they were home at a reasonable hour. She reminded Evan that he had group the next day, and that he couldn’t miss it. She also reminded him she was working an overnight and asked if the Murphy’s would mind if he stayed the night with them, that she’d feel better if Cynthia actually _saw_ them come home and made sure Evan got to his appointment tomorrow okay.

“Of course you can spend the night,” Cynthia agreed, when Evan reiterated what his mom had said. “Be safe - let us know when you get there and when you’re on your way home.”

“Have fun,” Larry offered weakly.

Connor stared at his dad for a really long time, then offered him a tentative smile.

“We will,” he promised.

~*~*~

The drive to the bookstore was a _lot_ more relaxing this time around. They weren’t skipping school. Their parents knew where they are. And they weren’t trying to hide their feelings for each other.

Connor handed Evan his phone and he put on music that they could sing along to. They stopped at the same McDonald’s from the first trip, and Connor ordered two large fries this time.

“Don’t think I’ve forgotten what a fry thief you are,” Connor said teasingly.

Evan pouted, but as soon as he finished his fries, he started on Connor’s. Connor rolled his eyes, but he was smiling as he popped another chicken nugget into his mouth.

They didn’t hit a lot of traffic, and seemed to get to the bookstore faster than last time. It was crowded, which Evan didn’t love, but Connor stayed close to his side, wrapping his arm around Evan, acting as a barrier to the people shuffling around.

They each took a pile of books and comic books up to the cafe to look through. Connor got himself an iced coffee and Evan a hot chocolate, just like the first time, and they split a chocolate chip muffin.

When they left, it was still light out.

“Did you wanna walk around like last time?” Connor asked, as they put their purchases in Connor’s trunk.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “That would be nice.

As they walked, Evan drifted closer to Connor’s side, taking his hand. He smiled when Connor squeezed his hand gently.

“Do you remember, last time? When we were walking around and you held my hand for, like, a minute?”

Connor blushed, but nodded. “I was sweating bullets. I thought for sure you were going to slap me or tell me to fuck off.”

“Nope,” Evan said quietly. “I was actually really disappointed when you let go.”

Connor gripped his hand tighter. “Well, I won’t ever let go again.”

“Promise?”

Connor leaned in and kissed him. “Promise.”

~*~*~

Connor was disappointed when it started getting late and Evan suggested they head home. He could tell it was the last thing Evan wanted to say, but he was right; they had to get home at a decent hour or they’d be in trouble.

“Maybe, next time, we can stay the night at that hotel again,” Connor suggested, grinning at Evan.

Evan grinned back. “Yeah, that would be cool.” He frowned, leaning back in his seat. “If my mom ever trusts me enough to let me do something like that.”

“She trusts you,” Connor said firmly. “She’s just scared to have you out of her sight right now. But you’re doing really well, Ev. You’ve made so much progress and she knows that. She trusts you.”

“I guess,” Evan sighed. He took Connor’s phone and put some music on to fill the silence.

At some point, he must have fallen asleep, because suddenly Connor was nudging him awake.

“Sorry,” Evan mumbled, yawning. “Didn’t realize how tired I was.”

“I noticed you’ve been... tossing and turning a lot at night?” Connor asked cautiously. “And.. crying out in your sleep?”

Evan blushed. “Oh, s-sorry..”

“Don’t be sorry. Just- are you okay? You usually sleep better than that when we’re together.”

“Fine,” Evan mumbled. “We should get inside.”

Connor frowned after him. Evan was lying. Something was wrong. He sighed, climbing out of the car and trailing after him. He didn’t want to push right now, but he’d ask Evan about it later.

“Hi, boys!” Cynthia greeted as they made their way into the kitchen. “How was the bookstore?”

“Great,” Evan said, managing a smile. “It’s such a cool store, and the town is so fun.”

Cynthia beamed at them. “I don’t know if you’re hungry, but dinner will be ready in twenty minutes. You should let your mom know you’re home safe, Evan.”

Evan nodded and followed Connor to the basement, texting his mom as soon as they were sitting on the couch.

They spend the twenty minutes before dinner just... being together. Cuddling and kissing and talking about how amazing the day was. Connor wasn’t ready to ruin the moment, so he didn’t ask Evan what was wrong. He would. Just.. later.

At dinner, Larry actually made an effort to ask about their trip some more, ask what books they bought. Connor felt a weird, tentative hope blooming in his chest. His dad was actually trying. Actually making an effort. The first real effort he’d made in years.

Connor hesitantly said that to Evan as they changed for bed later that night.

“He’s trying,” Evan said, smiling at Connor. “I’m happy for you, Con. I know you didn’t think you’d ever be able to repair your relationship with your dad but he’s trying. It’ll happen.”

Connor nodded, staring down at Evan in the sleeping bag and hating how far away he was.

“It just feels so... tenuous,” Connor confessed. “It’s just... hard to be hopeful when it feels like it could all fall apart at any minute.”

Evan leaned up on his elbow, frowning up at him. “I know it’s scary, but don’t focus on what you can’t control. Focus on what you can, and everything else will fall into place.”

Connor snorted. “You sound like my therapist.”

“Well,” Evan shrugged, grinning. “I guess therapy _has_ been helping, then.”

“Yeah, it has,” Connor admitted. “Progress, right?”

“Right,” Evan agreed, lying back down. He yawned. “G’nite, Con. Love you.”

“Love you, too,” Connor said, staring at his ceiling for a long time, long after Evan started snoring.

Connor still couldn’t shake the dread in his gut. He fell into a fitful sleep.

~*~*~

Connor woke up to the sun shining through his window and Evan curled up alongside him, wide awake and staring down at him

“Hey,” Connor yawned, shifting onto his side and resting his hand on Evan’s hip.

“H-hi,” Evan stammered. “I’m- um. I’m sorry that I’m... here.”

“Here?” Connor questioned, stifling another yawn. 

“In your bed. Instead of, you know, in the sleeping bag. I just-“ He paused, stared down at the space between them.

“Evan... Talk to me,” Connor said gently, squeezing Evan’s hip. “You haven’t been sleeping well, have you?”

Evan bit his lip. Shook his head. “N-no.”

“Talk to me,” Connor said again, more insistently. “I’m here.”

“It’s-“ Evan sighed, glancing up at Connor. “The new meds kind of give me- I had a nightmare. I’ve.. They happen a lot. Like, every night.”

Connor wrapped his arm around Evan, pulling him close. He could feel Evan press his face into his shoulder. When he pulled back, Evan had tears in his eyes.

“How long has this been going on?”

Evan shrugged. “Um. A f-few days?” At Connor’s frown, Evan sighed. “A week.”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Connor asked, hurt in his voice. “I could have helped. I don’t know what I could have done, but I could have helped. I could have- We could have told Heidi. She could have spoken to Dr. Sherman for you. He can adjust your dose, or try a new medicine, or-“

“I thought they’d stop,” Evan admitted. “I thought it was just a- a weird side effect and it would go away. And then it didn’t, and you were so sick, and I didn’t want to worry you and-“

Connor cut him off with a kiss.

“You need to tell me these things, Evan. It doesn’t matter if I have stuff I’m dealing with. You _matter_ to me, and you need to tell me things. That’s, like, how relationships work, right? We need to communicate.” 

“I know,” Evan sighed. “I know. I just.. Next time, okay? I promise I will next time.”

Connor nodded. “And you need to tell your mom and Dr. Sherman, okay? Because not sleeping is really bad for your mental health. It could set you back, and I know you don’t want to jeopardize your progress.” 

Evan shook his head. “No, definitely not.” He paused, frowned. He scooted closer to Connor, who draped an arm across Evan’s hips. “No one has walked by, I had a plan if I heard someone coming, so-so we’re-“ 

Connor cut him off with a kiss. “They’re probably downstairs having breakfast. We’re good.”

“Aren’t you worried that-“ Another kiss cut him off.

Connor shook his head. “Nope.” He squeezed Evan’s hip. “More worried about you.”

“Oh,” Evan frowned. “I’m fine, seriously. Nightmares aren’t the worst thing, right?” He shrugged. “I’ll mention it to Dr. Sherman at my appointment on Monday. But I’m hoping they just go away on their own. I don’t want to have to switch to a new medicine so soon into this.”

“I know,” Connor said, wrapping his arm around Evan and pulling him closer. “I know the idea of changing your meds this early on is probably scary. But you can’t not sleep. It’ll make it worse, and you’ll start having _those_ thoughts again and- and I can’t lose you, okay? I can’t.”

Evan must have seen the fear in Connor’s eyes, because he brushed Connor’s hair off his face and tucked it behind his ear.

“I know. I promise I’ll talk to my mom and Dr. Sherman,” Evan assured him. 

Connor nodded again, blinking back tears. He curled closer to Evan, pressing his face against Evan’s chest. Evan rubbed his back, planting kisses on his head.

“I love you,” Connor murmured against him, pressing a kiss to Evan’s chest.

“I love- Shit.”

“Shit?” Connor snorted. “You love shit?”

“C-Connor..” Evan’s hand had stilled on his back, and he was trying to pull away.

“Hey-“ Connor protested, wrapping his arm around Evan to keep him close.

“Connor,” Evan said, more insistently, staring at something over Connor’s shoulder.

Connor frowned up at him, finally noticing the panic in Evan’s voice. He glanced over his shoulder, and nearly rolled out of bed.

Larry was standing in Connor’s doorway, staring blankly at them.


	48. Maybe One Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiiiii :D I'm sure everyone hates me after that cliffhanger, hehe. Sorry about that! But I worked really hard to make this chapter worth the wait, so enjoy!!! ;) <3

Larry stared at them for a long time, expression blank. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, fishing for something to say, but all that came out was “breakfast.” He hesitated, then turned and walked back downstairs.

~*~*~

Connor was hyperventilating.

He was _aware_ he was hyperventilating, but he couldn’t seem to stop it from getting worse.

“Connor, hey,” Evan said gently. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.”

Connor shook his head. It wasn’t okay. It would never be okay. He closed his eyes, trying to steady his breathing, but all he could see was the blank look in his dad’s eyes.

“Connor, look at me,” Evan said, his voice firm this time. “Can I touch you?”

Connor frowned, finally looking at Evan. He didn’t need permission to touch Connor. Why was he asking for permission?

“Connor?”

Connor nodded his consent. Evan took Connor’s hand in his, squeezing tightly. He used his free hand to brush away the tears on Connor’s face.

Wait.

Tears?

When had he started crying?

Was he having a panic attack? Was that why Evan had asked if he was okay with touch?

“Come here,” Evan said, pulling Connor into a hug. He rubbed circles into Connor’s back, planting gentle kisses on his cheek and the side of his head.

Connor pressed his face into Evan’s shoulder. He could feel Evan’s heart racing in his chest, but his breathing was steady. He did his best to mimic Evan, to breathe in and out with him. It took about ten minutes before he felt like he could breathe normally again.

“Connor.”

Connor stared blankly at his doorless doorway for several seconds before looking at Evan again.

“I’m so sorry, I- I know you weren’t ready for your parents to know,” Evan said, screwing his face up like he was trying not to cry. “I’m so sorry, this is all my fault, I-“

“What?” Connor said, voice cracking. “It’s- this isn’t your fault. Why would you say that?”

“If I’d stayed in the sleeping bag..” Evan frowned, eyes filled with guilt. “I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s- Evan, no,” Connor shook his head. “No, it’s not your fault, okay?”

Evan nodded, but he didn’t look like he believed Connor. He took a deep breath, kissing the back of Connor’s hand. “I know you’re scared. I know this wasn’t how you wanted them to find out. But-“ He paused. Reconsidered his next words. “I’ll do whatever you want to do. If you don’t want to talk to them right now - if you want to leave and go to my house - we’ll go. But you’ve been so stressed out for so long about this.. Your mom _might_ have overheard us talking that day, but your dad _definitely_ saw us kissing. So.. maybe we should just. Go downstairs and face them. Running away won’t change what happened, but it’ll make you stress out more, and maybe you have nothing to be stressed about. Maybe it’ll be okay.”

Connor sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Why do you have to be so logical?”

Evan smiled softly, leaning forward and giving Connor a kiss. “Too many years of therapy, I guess.”

Despite how badly he was shaking, despite how scared he was, Connor couldn’t help but crack a smile. He leaned forward and let Evan hug him again. He loved Evan’s hugs. Evan was so warm and soft and solid. His hugs made Connor feel grounded, safe. He breathed in Evan’s comforting scent.

“Ready?” Evan asked after a few minutes.

Connor sighed. “I mean, not really. But.. I guess.”

“Do you wanna get dressed first, so we can make a quick getaway if we need to?”

Connor chewed nervously on his lip. “That’s probably not a bad idea.”

They dressed, and Connor let Evan pull him into another hug.

“I’m here, okay? I’ll be by your side the whole time,” Evan reminded him.

Connor nodded into his shoulder. He stepped back, took a deep breath, then made his way into the hallway and down the stairs, Evan trailing slightly behind him. He paused outside the kitchen, just out of sight. He could hear his parents whispering, but couldn’t make out what they were saying. Were they talking about him? Planning on kicking him out? Saying how disgusting-

Evan poked his back, startling him from his spiraling thoughts. Connor glanced at him, and Evan gave him an encouraging smile. Connor nodded, then carefully stepped into the kitchen. He didn’t announce himself; just stood there, waiting for them to notice him.

Larry looked up first. He frowned at Connor, but said nothing. Connor couldn’t read the look on his face.

Cynthia turned around, eyes widening when she saw Connor and Evan.

“Connor-“ she said, taking a hesitant step forward. Larry was still staring blankly at him, and- and Connor lost his nerve, flinched away from them.

He couldn’t do this. He didn’t want to hear his mom say she was disgusted by him, didn’t want to hear his dad tell him that they were sending him away, that he was going to be someone else’s problem, because that’s what they did when they didn’t know how to handle him, they just sent him away and this time wouldn’t be any different than all the other times because- because why would it be?

He shook his head, trying to shut his brain up. But it wouldn’t shut up, and he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t. He turned and ran - right into Evan, who grabbed Connor’s arms and squeezed.

“Hey,” Evan said quietly. “It’s okay, okay?”

Connor shook his head, blinking back tears. Evan could feel how much he was shaking. He tried to pull away from Evan, but Evan held tight.

“Connor, look at me.”

Connor sniffled, but did as he was told.

“I’m here,” Evan reminded him. “You’re safe, okay?”

Connor sniffled again, but nodded.

Evan took Connor’s hand, squeezed, then nudged Connor back around so he was facing his parents again.

“Oh, Connor,” Cynthia sighed, tears streaming down her face. This time, she didn’t hesitate; she hurried to his side and threw her arms around him.

Connor tensed, then melted into the hug. She rubbed his back and told him she loved him. Connor started crying harder, soaking his mom’s shirt in tears and snot. She held on until Connor’s sobs turned to sniffles. She pulled back to kiss his cheek and wipe away his tears, smiling gently at him. And then she turned and pulled Evan into a hug.

Evan stared at Connor over his mother’s shoulder, eyes wide with surprise. But he reciprocated the hug.

Connor was so focused on his mother and boyfriend that he hadn’t noticed Larry beside him until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He flinched, glancing nervously at his father.

Larry opened and closed his mouth a few times. He sighed, shook his head, then pulled Connor into a hug. Connor was so shocked, he tried to pull away at first. But Larry held on, and eventually, Connor wrapped his arms around his dad and pressed his face into his shoulder, sniffling.

“I love you, Connor,” Larry said gruffly, his voice cracking with emotion.

Words Connor hadn’t heard in a very, very long time. Not from Larry. Connor started sobbing again. He didn’t want to, but he couldn’t help it. He’d been so scared for so long-

“I love you, too, dad,” he managed to choke out.

The hug lasted longer than the one Cynthia had given him. Connor was clinging to his father like a little kid, and he knew he should be embarrassed or something, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He never thought he’d feel so safe in his father’s arms, but he did, and he didn’t want to let go.

It felt like it took forever, but Connor finally stopped crying and pulled back, only to discover his dad had tears in his eyes, too.

And then, to everyone’s surprise, Larry pulled Evan into a hug.

Cynthia looked like she was going to start crying again, and the smile on her face was tentative, like she wasn’t sure what to do next. So, she settled on doing the most Mom thing ever, and reminded them that breakfast was ready, if they still wanted to come eat.

Evan glanced at Connor, trying to convey with his eyes that he’d do whatever Connor wanted to do.

Connor hesitated but nodded, and they all settled around the kitchen table. He couldn’t really believe this was happening; he was eating breakfast with his parents and boyfriend - and his parents _knew_. And the world hadn’t ended. His dad had _hugged_ him, and told him he _loved_ him. He just.. couldn’t wrap his mind around that.

Cynthia kept up a stream of mindless chitchat the whole time she scooped food onto their plates, the whole time they ate, even after they were done eating. Connor felt weirdly grateful for it because he honestly didn’t think he had enough brainpower to keep up an intelligent conversation right now. 

“Oh,” Cynthia said suddenly, glancing at her watch in alarm, then back up at Connor and Evan. “You boys better get going or Evan’s going to be late for group.”

Evan blinked, glancing at the clock. “Oh.. yeah. Okay.” He stood, holding his hand out to Connor. Connor hesitated, painfully aware that both his parents were watching them. He swallowed his nerves and took Evan’s hand, letting Evan help him up. He mumbled a quick goodbye to Larry and Cynthia, then let Evan lead him out the door and to the car.

“You okay?” Evan asked, frowning at him.

Connor shrugged, staring blankly at the wheel. 

“Are you okay to drive?” Evan asked nervously.

Connor blinked up at him. “Oh.. Uh, yeah. I’ll... Yeah.”

Connor pulled carefully out of the driveway, forcing himself to focus on the road and not on everything that had just happened.

~*~*~

Connor was still so lost in his thoughts, even over an hour later, that he jumped a mile when Evan knocked on the window after his session was over. He quickly unlocked the doors and Evan climbed in.

“That was fast,” Connor commented, trying to keep his voice light.

“Not really,” Evan sighed. He hated group. He _really_ hated it. “You doing okay?”

Connor shrugged, picking at his nail polish. “I... have no idea. I’m just.. It’s weird.”

Evan took Connor’s hand to stop him from picking at his nails. “I know. But.. It went pretty well, right?”

“I guess,” Connor said, frowning. He shook his head. “Can we go back to your place and just chill? I just.. my brain is screaming at me right now, and I just..”

“Of course,” Evan said immediately. “My mom’s working and then she has class after, so we’ll have the place to ourselves.”

~*~*~

They picked up food on the way back to Evan’s, then settled in to eat and watch Netflix. Evan kept checking in, asking if he was okay. Connor was barely with it enough to answer him.

Halfway through the second episode of whatever they were watching - Connor honestly couldn’t focus enough to even figure it out - Evan paused the show, shifting on the couch so he was facing Connor.

“Talk to me,” Evan said gently, taking Connor’s hand into his.

“It’s just... weird,” Connor admitted, shrugging helplessly. “I don’t- I never thought I’d get to this point, y’know? I never thought my family and I would be on speaking terms, or that I’d be close enough with them again to share things about myself, and to have them accept those things. I just.. A part of me wonders if I’m dreaming. I keep waiting to wake up, back in a world where my parents and I don’t talk and Zoe hates me, and where-“ He paused, swallowed back the tears threatening to fall. “Where you and I aren’t- Because I still can’t believe you’re talking to me. That you’re _mine_. Or- I mean, not _mine_. Shit, sorry, that was so weird and possessive and-“

Evan shut him up with a kiss. “Connor, stop. You’re not dreaming and I _am_ yours. And you’ve come _so_ far these last few months. You’re a good person - an amazing person. And I love you.”

Connor didn't want to start crying again, but he could feel tears falling down his face. Evan pulled him into another hug, and Connor broke. He cried into Evan’s shoulder, and Evan just held him and kissed him and told him he loved him, that everything would be okay. 

Evan pulled back long enough to kiss Connor, then wrapped his arms around him and just held him.

Connor threw an arm across Evan’s stomach, curled up with his head on Evan’s chest, and promptly fell asleep.

~*~*~

Evan shook him awake two hours later.

“Hey,” Evan said gently. “Sorry to wake you, but your phone just went off with, like, three back to back messages.”

Connor frowned, staying as curled up to Evan as he could while digging his phone out of his pocket.

“Shit,” he mumbled, sitting up. “We forgot to let my mom know we were coming back here after your group session. She says she’s not mad, just worried.” He quickly messaged her back, letting her know he was sorry and they were safe at Evan’s.

He frowned at her next message.

“What?” Evan asked, worry in his voice.

“She, uh. She knows your mom is going to be home late, and she says we should come back there so we aren’t home alone here.”

It was Evan’s turn to frown. “We’re alone here all the time. She’s never cared before.”

“Yeah, that was before she heard us talking about our suicide attempts,” Connor reminded him, raking a hand through his hair.

“Oh,” Evan said, playing with his cast.

“Maybe I- Maybe I should go home alone for now.”

“What?” Evan asked, eyes widening. “Why? Did I- did I do something? I-“

“No,” Connor said quickly, before Evan could spiral. “No, not at all. I just... I’m-“ He paused, trying to figure out exactly how to word what he wanted to say. “I feel like I need to talk to my parents and- I think I need to do it alone.”

Evan frowned. “I can come with you. I don’t want you to have to do this alone.”

“I know, and I love you for that," Connor said gently. “But I need to do this, even though it might end badly. I just.. I need to do this.”

“You really think it’ll end badly?” Evan asked, voice sad. “Even after how great your parents were this morning?”

Connor shrugged. “Things don’t usually end great for me. So I’m just.. waiting for the other shoe to drop, I guess.”

“Connor,” Evan sighed, shaking his head. “I hate that you think that way. But I get it.”

Connor kissed Evan, long and hard, trying to convey everything he couldn’t put into words right now.

“Promise you’ll check in, either way? Promise if it goes bad, you’ll come back here and not- not do anything stupid?”

“I promise.” Connor hugged him tight, then stood.

Evan watched him go. He knew Connor needed to do this. But that didn’t mean he had to like it.

~*~*~

Connor stared at the front door for a long time before taking a deep breath and going inside, closing the door quietly behind him. He hesitated, trying to steady his nerves, then stepped into the living room. Cynthia was reading on the couch, but she looked up when she heard him and smiled.

“Hey, sweetie,” she greeted. “Is Evan with you?”

Connor shook his head, making his way nervously into the room and sitting beside her. “No. I... I just needed to, um-“ He shrugged. He didn’t know how to explain that he needed to do ‘this’ - whatever this was - alone.

Cynthia nodded, like she understood, even though he couldn’t explain it. Maybe she did understand, though. Maybe it was, like, mother’s intuition or something.

She took his hands in hers and gripped them tightly. “Connor.” She waited until he was looking at her. She could see the fear lingering in his eyes, and it broke her heart. “I love you so much, Connor,” she said firmly, making sure to maintain eye contact with him the whole time she said it. “I always have and I always will.”

Connor’s chin trembled. He nodded, opened and closed his mouth. But nothing came out.

“I’m so sorry we didn’t make you feel safe enough to tell us before now,” Cynthia continued, when it became clear Connor wasn’t ready to speak. “I’m so sorry for everything. We failed you, Connor. For so long, we failed you. And we could have lost you because of that. I promise you- Going forward, I promise I won’t let that happen again. We won’t fail you again, okay?”

Connor sniffled, trying so hard not to cry. He nodded, letting Cynthia pull him in to her arms and hold him tight. She rubbed his back and kissed the side of his head, then pulled back.

“I’m so happy for you, Connor,” she continued, gripping his hand again. “Evan’s a lovely boy. And he clearly makes you happy.”

Thinking about Evan finally made the tears fall - but they were happy tears. He smiled, nodding. “Yeah. He’s... he’s the best. He just.. He gets it? And he’s not- No matter what I say or do or tell him, he doesn’t make me feel- He just gets it and he’s there for me. He gets it in a way no one ever has, not even Miguel, and he was-“ Connor cut himself off, eyes widening. What the fuck was wrong with him? Why the fuck couldn’t he shut up? Why had he said all that? He never rambled like this. What the hell had gotten into him..?

But his mom was smiling at him. “I’m glad you have Evan, sweetie. I’m glad you have someone who understands.” She paused, biting her lip. But she couldn’t help herself, so she asked, “Who’s Miguel?”

Connor blushed. “Um. He’s, um. My ex? From- from- I met him, uh, when I was at Hanover?”

Cynthia nodded, staring at him. Connor couldn’t read the look on her face. He swallowed, staring at the floor.

“Can I-“ She paused, considering her words. “How long have you known you were..?”

Connor looked up at her, eyes wide. He should have expected that question, but for some reason, he was caught off guard. “Bisexual,” he blurted, then cleared his throat because that wasn’t actually what she’d asked. “Uh.. since, I dunno, I was... I mean, I didn’t know what it meant, but I had a crush on a boy in my class when I was ten? And then, I guess I kinda figured it out when I was.. I dunno, maybe twelve?”

Cynthia nodded, looking sad. “You should have felt safe telling me. I should have made you feel safe enough to tell me. I’m so sorry, Connor.”

“Did you know?” Connor asked, before he could lose his nerve. “I mean.. Did you have any idea..?”

Cynthia squeezed his hand. “I... I wondered. I didn’t know for sure. I just... wanted you to come to me when you were ready.”

Connor blinked back tears, nodding.

“Does-“ Cynthia started, then paused. She looked embarrassed.

“What?”

“Nevermind, it’s silly,” she laughed, shaking her head.

“I- I’m okay with answering questions,” Connor said quietly. Because it was still weird to talk about this stuff with her, but she was trying. She loved him and accepted him and she was trying. So he figured he could try, too.

“Does Heidi know? About you and Evan?”

Connor blinked because.. that wasn’t what he expected her to ask. “Uh, yeah? But.. It was kind of an accident.” Cynthia frowned at him and he sighed, blushing. “After Evan.. When he broke his arm? I drove him home and stayed with him while Heidi was working. That was the day that- that we finally told each other we liked each other? And, um, Evan was really tired from everything that happened and from- from the pain medicine. And he kind of fell asleep on me-“ He was blushing so much, his face burned. “And then I fell asleep and then Heidi came home and- and we were still, like, asleep. Together.”

Cynthia was smiling at him, looking both amused and a little concerned.

“I- Sorry,” Connor said quickly. “I don’t know why- That was, like, probably way more than you needed to know. I just- I’m- I’m rambling, sorry.”

“Honestly, it’s been so long since we’ve talked - _really_ talked - that I- This is nice,” Cynthia admitted. “I _want_ you to talk to me, Connor. I want to be here for you.”

Connor sniffled, throwing himself back into his mom's arms again. She held him tight, so tight, and he loved it. He felt safe and loved. He never thought he’d have this again. Didn’t think he deserved it. But now he had it and he refused to let go.

Finally, he pulled back, sniffling. “I’m gonna, uh, go find dad?”

Cynthia smiled softly at him. She squeezed his hand. “Your father loves you. He’s trying.”

“I know,” Connor said. He took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. “It’s just.. Still hard? To talk to him.”

Cynthia nodded. “I know, baby. You’ll both get there.”

Connor stood, then made his way to his dad’s office, but the door was open and he wasn’t in there. Connor tried the garage next, to the same results. Frowning, he headed back inside and upstairs. He turned towards his parents’ room, when a noise on the other side of the hallway caught his attention.

He glanced up - and froze, eyes wide with shock.

His dad was putting his door back up.

Connor wasn’t sure how to feel about that, wasn’t sure what it meant. He couldn’t seem to get his feet to move forward, but he also couldn’t bring himself to just walk away. So he just stood there, watching.

Larry stepped back, opened and closed the door a few times. He nodded, then gathered his tools and turned around. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Connor.

Connor hesitated before finally forcing his feet to move closer to his room and his dad.

“I was just..” Larry gestured at the door. “You, uh. Just-“

“Thanks,” Connor said, voice cracking. He cleared his throat. “I- Thanks.”

Larry nodded, shifting awkwardly. “I’m- I’m sorry, Connor.”

Connor blinked. “For.. what?”

“Everything?” Larry asked with a self-deprecating laugh. “For not doing better by you the last few years. For- for not realizing you needed help. For brushing it off as- as-“

“Me being an attention whore?” Connor asked, voice hard. He regretted it immediately; Larry was trying, and Connor knew he was being an asshole. But he was still angry. He’d been discussing it with his new therapist, and she’d reminded him that he had to discuss this with his dad at some point, whether he wanted to or not, because if he didn’t, the anger would keep building and building.

Larry winced, but nodded. “Yeah. I’m- there’s no excuse for- for the way I handled everything. I’m just so sorry, Connor. I can’t- I can’t promise I’ll always get it right, but I can promise I’ll try.”

Connor blinked back tears, nodding.

Larry hesitated before taking a step closer to him, giving Connor plenty of time to step away if he wanted to. When Connor didn’t move away, Larry pulled him in for a hug, one that lasted even longer than the one they’d shared in the kitchen that morning.

“I’m happy for you, Connor,” Larry said when they pulled apart. “You and Evan- He makes you happy, doesn’t he?”

Connor blushed and nodded. He can’t help but smile because thinking about Evan makes him smile. “He does. He gets me and-” He pressed his lips together to keep himself from saying anything else, because it was one thing to over-share with his mom. But with his dad? He.. wasn’t ready for that. Not yet. Maybe one day. Maybe even one day soon. But not yet.

Larry pulled Connor in for another hug, clapping him on the back. “I’m glad, Connor. You- you deserve to be happy.”

Connor pressed his face against his dad’s shoulder, trying not to cry. He didn’t want to cry again. He really didn’t. But he never thought he’d hear his dad say those words, and it felt.. nice. Really nice.

“Anyway,” Larry said, pulling back and squeezing Connor’s shoulder. “Your mom said Evan’s mom is working late tonight?” Connor nodded. “Why don’t you see if Evan wants to come over here, then? Maybe I can convince your mom to let us bring in pizza for dinner.”

Connor opened his mouth to say that Cynthia had already suggested Evan come over, but his dad was trying and Connor didn’t want to take that from him. So he nodded in agreement and quickly texted Evan that he was coming back over to get him. Evan texted back immediately, like he'd been glued to his phone, waiting anxiously for Connor to message him. Knowing Evan, that's probably _exactly_ what he'd been doing. 

**Evan: All okay?**

Connor can't help but smile as he responds:

**Connor: More than okay.**


	49. Fight This Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiii. So so so sorry for the delay in posting. Partly, it's because I'm struggling a little bit with figuring out where to take things from here. I have several things that I know still need to happen before the fic wraps up, but I'm struggling with the _how_ of that. It's also partly because I'm on a new medicine for my headaches and it makes me very very sleepy, so I've been falling asleep really early lately, and that's cutting into my writing/posting time. I'm actually posting this at 6:15pm EST instead of my usual 1:30am EST because I know I'll end up being too tired later.
> 
> So, yeah. With that all being said, I've written this chapter and most of chapter 50 and I'm really happy with them, so I hope you enjoy! <3 
> 
> Also... Sorry not sorry for.. the return of the angst ;D

When Evan and Connor got back to Connor’s house, Cynthia greeted them with a big smile and told them she could order the pizza whenever they felt hungry.

“Thanks, mom,” Connor said, blushing when Cynthia’s eyes flicked down to their entwined hands. “Come on,” he said to Evan, tugging him towards the stairs.

Evan frowned, but followed. When they were out of earshot of Cynthia, he pulled Connor to a stop. “Aren’t we going to the basement?”

Connor grinned at him. “Nope.” He dragged Evan up the stairs and down the hall, then stopped outside his room.

Evan opened and closed his mouth. “You have a door.”

“I have a door,” Connor repeated, nodding. “My dad put it back up earlier. And we talked a little. It- it was good.”

“Oh my god, Connor,” Evan grinned, pulling him into a tight hug.

“Getting reckless again?”

Connor jumped, turning to face Zoe. “What?”

“Mom’s right downstairs, you know, and I don’t even know where dad is,” she said. And then she did a double-take. “Wait, you have a door.”

“Hi, do I know you? You look an awful lot like my sister,” Connor said dryly.

Zoe rolled her eyes. “Shut up. It’s just easier spending time at Alana’s.”

Connor opened his mouth to respond when Larry came upstairs with a laundry basket full of freshly washed towels.

Zoe glanced at Evan and Connor’s clasped hands, then back at their dad.

“Zoe,” Larry greeted. “I didn’t hear you come in. Your mom has me helping with laundry,” he admitted sheepishly.

“That’s a first,” Connor quipped.

“Hey,” Larry said indignantly, but he was smiling. It had been a long time since he and Connor had been able to tease each other without devolving into a screaming match. They still had a long way to go, but they were trying.

Zoe waited until Larry had disappeared into the guest bathroom before turning to her brother, brow quirked in question.

“Uh.. You kinda missed a lot?” Connor said, shrugging. “You’ve been spending, like, a _lot_ of time at Alana’s and.... Yeah, you’ve missed a lot.”

“Clearly,” Zoe said.

Connor motioned for her and Evan to follow him into his room, then closed the door. He almost felt like he was doing something wrong, like he was going to get yelled at for closing his door. He knew he wasn’t, but it was just.. Weird.

Evan sat on Connor’s bed, Connor beside him. Evan took his hand and squeezed. Zoe sat in Connor’s desk chair, staring at them expectantly.

“So, uh... I have my door back?” Connor said.

“Right, we’ve established-“

There was a knock at the door, a pause, and then it opened. Zoe jumped out of her seat, but Connor and Evan didn’t move.

“This was mixed in with the towels,” Larry said, holding a hoodie out for Connor to grab.

“Zoe, you’re up, would you mind?” Connor asked, amusement in his voice as he watched his sister, looking from him and Evan to their dad with a completely bewildered expression on her face.

Zoe turned to Larry, taking the hoodie. Once Larry had closed the door, Zoe threw it at Connor.

“What the fuck, Connor?” Zoe asked, eyes wide with shock.

“Uh. So. Mom and dad know about Evan and I?”

Zoe’s mouth dropped open. “You- you told them? And-“ Zoe glanced at Connor’s closed door, like she expected to see Larry standing there, then glanced back at them. “And they’re fine with it? They were- they weren’t-?”

Connor nodded. “Yeah, they-“ He took a shuddery breath. “It was good, Zo. Really good.”

Zoe couldn’t help it; she squealed and tackled them in a giant group hug. “I’m so, so happy for you guys!”

“Okay, okay,” Connor huffed, shoving her back. “We get it, thanks.”

“Sorry,” Zoe laughed, sitting back on his desk chair. “I just.. I can’t believe you finally told them. How’d you do it? What did they say? I want all the details.”

“By accident and no, you’re absolutely not getting the details,” Connor said firmly. Evan blushed, staring hard at the floor

Zoe quirked a brow at them. “Okay, so maybe I don’t want the details after all. But I’m just.. I’m so happy for you guys.”

Connor smiled tentatively at his sister, leaning into Evan’s side for comfort. “Me, too. It’s so weird, I-“ He paused, swallowing back the tears that came out of nowhere. Evan wrapped an arm around him, and Connor melted into his embrace. “I never thought I’d get to this place- this place where I’m- I’m happy. I have a boyfriend I love-“ Evan cut him off with a kiss and Zoe pretended to gag in disgust, but she was grinning at them. “And I know we have a lot of work to do still, but- but you and I are in a better place,” he said, smiling at his sister. “And mom and dad.. I never thought I’d have a civil conversation with dad about my boyfriend, oh my god,” he laughed.

Evan hugged him tighter. “You deserve it, Connor. You deserve the world.”

“You guys are so gross,” Zoe teased, rolling her eyes. “Did I hear mom say something about pizza for dinner?”

Connor nodded. “Weird, right?”

“Very. Guess we aren’t vegan gluten free or whatever anymore,” she said with a laugh. Then she frowned, furrowing her brow, and Connor could see several emotions flash across her face in the span of just a few seconds.

“Could, um- Can you come with me for a second?” She asked suddenly, looking nervous.

Connor frowned but nodded. He stood up.

“You too?” Zoe asked Evan.

Evan blinked in confusion, but nodded. He followed Connor and Zoe downstairs to the living room, where Cynthia and Larry were sitting together, reading. They did that a lot now; they spent time together and didn’t argue as much, and it was really great.

Cynthia and Larry looked up when they stepped into the living room, Connor and Evan a few paces behind Zoe, who kept glancing back at them.

“Hi,” Cynthia said, smiling at Zoe. She threw Connor and Evan a confused look, then glanced back at Zoe.

“Since Connor’s boyfriend is joining us for dinner, is it okay if I invite my girlfriend?” Zoe blurted.

Connor’s eyes widened and he couldn’t help but grin at his sister. He felt Evan reach for his hand and squeeze.

“Girlfriend?” Larry asked, while Cynthia smiled at Zoe.

“Um,” Zoe said, clearing her throat. “Alana?”

“Of course it’s okay, sweetheart,” Cynthia assured her.

Zoe nodded, then hurried back upstairs.

“Well, then,” Connor said, glancing at Evan, then his parents. “We’ll be upstairs till dinner.”

They were almost out of the room when Cynthia called after them, “door open, please.”

Connor glanced back at her. “What? Why? I just got my door back and I can’t even close it?”

Cynthia quirked a brow at him. “Door open, please.”

Connor’s eyes widened as he realized what his mom was implying. He huffed indignantly, then grabbed Evan’s hand and pulled him upstairs and back into his room. Evan was bright red when Connor finally turned to look at him.

“Sorry, shit,” Connor sighed. “That was beyond embarrassing.”

“Just a little,” Evan squeaked.

“Guess we’ll still have more privacy at your place than mine, even with my door back,“ Connor said, stepping closer to Evan and wrapping him in a tight hug.

Evan hugged him back, just as tight. “We can go to my place after dinner. My mom’s got class after work.”

Connor grinned into Evan’s neck, planting a kiss under his jaw before pulling away. “Sounds like a plan.”

~*~*~

They were sitting side-by-side on Connor’s bed, watching Netflix on his laptop, when they heard the doorbell ring. Zoe appeared in Connor’s doorway, looking slightly panicked.

Connor paused Netflix, sitting up and hurrying to Zoe’s side.

“Come downstairs with me?” She begged.

Connor nodded, taking her hand and squeezing.

“It’s stupid to be nervous, isn’t it?” She asked, as Evan came up beside them. “I mean, mom and dad have met Alana. And they know we’re dating now. So it’s stupid-“

“No,” Evan said firmly. “You’re allowed to feel however you feel. This is the first time they’re seeing you and Alana together now that they know, and that’s nerve-wracking. It’s different than them just _knowing_. When your dad caught us-“ He cut off, blushing.

“Caught you- what?” Zoe asked, a smile turning up the corners of her mouth, nerves forgotten. “Oh my god, I need this story, please.”

“Alana’s waiting,” Connor reminded her, face bright red.

Zoe nodded, biting her lip to keep from laughing. “Okay, but I still need this story. I think I feel a little better about my situation..” She trailed off, hearing her mom greet Alana. She threw one more look at Evan and Connor, then hurried downstairs. She could hear them behind her, and it made her feel better.

“Hey!” She said breathlessly, grinning at Alana, taking her hand and lacing their fingers.

Alana glanced at Cynthia, then Evan and Connor, then, finally, at Zoe. “Hey yourself.”

Zoe fought the urge to kiss Alana, right there in front of everyone. “Basement?” She asked instead, glancing at Evan and Connor, a silent invitation.

“If everyone’s hungry, I can order the pizza now,” Cynthia said suddenly, smiling at them all.

“Sounds great, mom,” Connor said, grabbing Evan’s hand and tugging him along after Zoe and Alana.

They closed the basement door behind them. When they reached the bottom of the stairs, they found Zoe and Alana making out on the couch.

“Brother in the room,” Connor said loudly, rolling his eyes as he dragged Evan to the other end of the couch and pulled him down onto his lap. Evan squeaked indignantly before relaxing back against Connor’s chest.

“Can you believe this is actually happening?” Zoe asked no one in particular, curling against Alana’s side. She glanced at Connor and Evan, smiling at them. “Like.. we’re out to our parents. Fully. I just.. Never thought that would happen.”

Alana pulled Zoe into a hug, kissing her softly. “I’m really happy for you.” She glanced at Evan and Connor, smiling. “And you guys, too.”

Connor tried to smile, but he felt.. weird all of a sudden. And he wasn’t sure why. He wrapped his arms around Evan from behind and rested his chin on Evan’s shoulder, feeling comforted; touching Evan always made him feel more Real, more grounded to reality. Evan held his hand, running his fingers across Connor’s knuckles.

They fell into silence, watching a random movie until Cynthia called down the stairs that the pizza was there.

Cynthia had set the dining room table, since it was bigger than the kitchen table. Evan and Connor sat on one side, Zoe and Alana on the other, and Larry and Cynthia at each end.

“It’s so good to see you girls,” Cynthia commented when they’d settled in. “I feel like we haven’t seen you in weeks.”

“Oh,” Zoe said, swallowing a bite of pizza. “Um.. just, spent a lot of time at Alana’s because.. y’know...”

The table fell silent, and Cynthia looked so sad. It was obvious what Zoe was trying to avoid saying - she and Alana hadn’t had to hide their relationship at Alana’s house.

“Well, hopefully we’ll see you over here more now,” Cynthia said with a warm smile.

Zoe nodded, blinking back tears. She glanced at Connor, smiling at him, then ducked her head so no one could see her crying. She felt Alana rubbing her back gently, and it helped.

“Did you hear that the Autumn Smile Apple Orchard is re-opening in two weeks?” Alana asked suddenly, trying to take the attention off Zoe.

“It is?” Cynthia asked, eyes sparkling. “Oh, you kids used to love that place! Remember that toy airplane you flew into a creek, Larry?”

“That was an emergency landing,” Larry reminded her, but he was smiling.

“Oh, I’m so happy they’re opening back up! We should have a picnic there when it does,” Cynthia said. “All of us.”

Connor blinked back tears. Because the orchard _did_ hold happy memories for him - some of the last happy memories he had before his brain betrayed him and everything went to hell.

He shifted uncomfortably, thinking about the way things had been before his mental health had taken a nose dive. How close he’d been with Zoe. How he’d idolized his father. How he’d been a “mama’s boy,” always following Cynthia around and trying to help her do things.

He felt a sudden tightness in his chest; it was suddenly hard to breath. He knew this feeling. He hated this feeling. He had to get out of there before anyone saw, before anyone noticed...

Connor mumbled “bathroom” then hurried upstairs, even though there was a bathroom on the first floor.

He closed and locked the door, taking a shaky breath as he leaned over the counter.

Everything was good and perfect. Things were going so well with Evan, with Zoe, with his parents.

Therapy was hard, but good. And something he’d wanted for so long.

So why did he feel... Not good?

He hadn’t had a panic attack in so long, but he knew he was having one now. Worse still, his skin felt tight and itchy, like his skin didn’t fit his body, like he was being crawled all over. He hated this feeling, hated that only one thing made it go away.

He reached into the bottom drawer, under the sink, digging around until he found his old blade. The one no one knew he kept there.

He hadn’t used it in months, but it was comforting to have it there, just in case.

He knew he needed to fight this feeling. He’d been doing so well lately. He had no reason to feel this way, right? Not anymore. He had things and people and-

His skin still felt tight. Too tight. He felt hit and flushed and shaky and-

“Connor?”

He startled, dropping the blade in the sink.

“Everything okay?” Evan called through the door.

“Fine,” he said. His voice cracked.

There was silence for a minute.

“You don’t sound fine.”

“I’m fine, Ev,” Connor said again, gritting his teeth. “I’ll be back down in a minute.”

More silence, then the doorknob rattled.

“Connor, let me in.”

“I’m... I’m in the _bathroom_ ,” Connor snapped. “Just go back downstairs.”

“Fine,” Evan said finally, reluctantly.

Connor could hear Evan’s footsteps retreating, then silence.

Connor sighed, hanging his head. He took a deep breath. Stared at the razor in the sink. He tried to put it away. He tried to fight the urge. He really did.

But he failed.

He blinked back tears as he cleaned up and put the blade away, his wrist throbbing.

He splashed cold water on his face, then headed back downstairs.

“Everything okay?” Larry asked, frowning at Connor.

Connor nodded, picking up a slice of pizza and chewing, but it tasted like cardboard.

~*~*~

“What’s wrong?”

Connor glanced at Evan, then back at the road, gripping the wheel. “Nothing.”

“You’ve been weird since you got up to go to the bathroom at dinner.”

“I’m fine,” Connor insisted.

“Remember when my new meds were giving me nightmares, and I tried to hide it, and you said I had to be honest and tell you things?”

Connor frowned. He knew Evan was right; he knew he should tell _someone_. But.. he’d made so much progress. If he told anyone that he’d... It would ruin everything. They wouldn’t trust him anymore. They’d think he wasn’t getting better, that he was going back to being the Connor he was before therapy and medicine and Evan.

He couldn’t deal with that. Couldn’t deal with the looks they’d give him.

“I’m fine. Promise, okay? I just.. My stomach... I just didn’t feel well and I didn’t want to tell you because that’s kinda gross and, like, over-sharing.”

“We’ve seen each other throw up,” Evan reminded him. “It wouldn’t have been over-sharing.”

“Okay, but that’s different,” Connor said, trying to keep his tone light. “That’s not the mental image I want you to have when you think about my butt.”

“Who said I think about your butt?” Evan asked, blushing furiously.

“So you _don't_ think about my butt?” Connor pouted.

“Okay, maybe I do...” Evan reluctantly admitted.

Connor grinned. “You think about my butt.”

Evan groaned, and Connor cackled, and the conversation was dropped.

But Connor still felt... off. And not good. And the urge to cut.. It hadn’t been satisfied, apparently. Because his skin still felt tight and itchy, and his brain was still screaming at him, and-

He shook the thought away as he pulled into Evan’s driveway, surprised to see Heidi’s car there.

“Doesn’t your mom have class?” Connor asked as they got out of the car and walked towards the door.

Evan shrugged. “Maybe it got canceled,” he said, opening the door, then closing and locking it behind Connor. “Mom?”

“In the kitchen,” Heidi called.

When they walked in, Heidi was playing a tray of chocolate chip cookies. From the smell of things, they were freshly baked.

“Hey, guys,” she said with a smile.

“Hey, don’t you have class?” Evan asked.

“Nice to see you, too,” Heidi chuckled, motioning for them to sit at the kitchen table with her. “Class was canceled and I haven’t seen you guys in a couple days. I know you had dinner at Connor’s, so I thought I’d make us some dessert.”

“Oh, thanks, mom,” Evan said. And he felt bad, because he knew he was grumbling. But he’d hoped for some alone time with Connor...

“So, you’ve been spending a lot of time over at your house,” Heidi said to Connor. “I take it things are better with your parents?”

Connor nodded, trying to smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “My, um.. My parents know about Evan and I. And it was.. they were great.”

“That’s wonderful, Connor! Oh, I’m so happy for you!” Heidi said, rubbing his arm soothingly.

Connor nodded, smiled, then stared down at the table, picking at his hoodie sleeve and trying not to focus on his throbbing arm.

Evan frowned at Connor. He knew something was wrong, and Connor wouldn’t talk to him. But maybe...

“Be right back,” he said, trying to give his mom The Look before he headed upstairs.

Heidi glanced at Evan’s retreating form, then Connor. “Everything okay, sweetheart?”

Connor glanced up at her, then back down, nodding.

“Connor.”

Connor glanced up at her again, trying to keep a poker face, but he could tell he was seconds away from crying again.

“You know you can talk to me,” she reminded him gently, taking his hand and squeezing.

“Yeah,” he said, trying hard to smile. “I’m fine. Just.. Feeling a little under the weather.” Not totally a lie.. “I actually think I’m gonna just...” He stood, just as Evan came back downstairs.

“Hey,” Evan said, smiling at Connor, then glancing at his mom.

“I’m not feeling great, so-“ Connor shrugged. “I’ll, uh- I’m gonna go. I’ll talk to you later.”

“We just got here,” Evan said, taking a step towards him.

Connor took a step back. “Yeah, sorry. Just.. I’ll message you later.” He turned and hurried towards the front door, but Evan caught up to him and grabbed his arm - the one he’d cut earlier. Connor hissed, yanking his arm free.

“Connor-“ Evan said, frowning at his arm, then back up at him. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he said firmly. “I’m fine-“

“You’re not,” Evan insisted. “And I really wish you’d trust me enough to talk to me.”

“I trust you, but there’s nothing to talk about. I’m fine.”

“Connor-“

“Ev, drop it,” Connor snapped. “I’m _fine_. I love you and I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

He knew it made him an asshole, but he slammed the door on his way out.

~*~*~

Connor was halfway home when he received a text from Zoe. He pulled over to check it.

**Zoe: Heidi called mom. Said something was bothering you, that you were on your way home. You okay?**

Connor cursed, dropping his phone onto the passenger seat. Instead of going straight at the next light he came to, he went right.

Connor parked and let himself in to Miguel’s house. He was relieved to find Miguel home and alone.

“Hey, _Principito_ ,” he said, sounding surprised. “Long time, no see.”

Connor sat on the floor under Miguel’s window. He pulled his knees up to his chest and put his arms around them.

“ _Principito_?”

Connor jumped as Miguel sat beside him. He glanced up at Miguel, then back down, lip trembling.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Miguel said gently, putting an arm around Connor.

Connor turned into Miguel’s side, hiding his face against his chest and letting himself cry.


End file.
